Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

A little outside the norm….

As a woman, I am strong and proud.  I am loud.  I am good at many things.  I am pretty.

At least this is what I hear from people who observe me.

As a woman, I feel weak, scared, unsure, and unattractive.

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When the shit hits the fan, I’m your girl.  I will do what has to be done.  I will accomplish feats not intended for humans, let alone a married mother of 4.  When the storm finally calms, I’m not anyone’s girl.  I don’t even want to be my own.  I fall apart.  I break down.  I doubt everything decision I made in the middle of the storm.  I over-think the things I did and said…and even thought.   My inability to find peace in past situations is extreme.  I rehash everything looking for fault so I can justify beating myself up mentally.  I twist and turn things to place blame on myself.

Perspective is a very strange beast.  Yes, beast.

When Dr. Evil was in a coma, I sat by his side.  I mean all the time.  I didn’t leave the hospital floor for 11 days.  When I finally did leave the floor I got a little more bold and went outside for a walk.  I started to find my current normal and was able to walk and get a glass of water and not fear he would be dead when I returned.  And if his counts changed while I was gone, I finally figured out it wasn’t my fault.  It wasn’t for lack of prayers.  It wasn’t for lack of support on my part.  It wasn’t …. anyone or anything’s fault.  It . Just . Was .

In all the time I was sitting I was afraid to read too much on-line.  Everything I read was devastating.  Everything I read was scary.  Everything I read….was awful.  So I stopped.  I started reading The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva religiously.  I even emailed her and she responded.   I started writing on Facebook to keep everyone informed – or so I told myself.  It was more because I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  I didn’t want to ‘retell’ the ‘story’ anymore.  This was my reality and people bothering me were screwing it up even more.

Then Evil Joy was hatched.  It was sort of ridiculous.  It was absolutely ridiculous – who makes fun of people when they’re in a come?  I’ll tell you who…

People who love them who are trying to survive.

I imagined him waking up and being extremely grateful to be alive and gushy with me.  Okay folks – when has Dr. Evil been gushy?  Ever?  I imagined him waking up and us having this amazing take on things – this second chance not to be wasted.  I imagined all sorts of things.  Except what happened.

He woke up.  He was confused.  He thought it was November 17th.  We didn’t even come to the hospital until November 20th.  And it was actually December 1st.

He couldn’t move his arms or legs.  I didn’t even think of these things.  I was just hoping his brain didn’t suffer from the infection the way his body was.  I was just glad he was awake.

He was fine. He learned to use his arms again, legs again, and returned to his almost normal self.  In amazing speed.  We initially were hoping to be home by Valentine’s Day.  Dr. Evil was released on Christmas Day.

Dr. Evil has never been a man of many words.  He said even fewer.  And he was grumpy.  And tired.  And working so hard.  He was affectionate with the spawn.  He was patient with other people.  He was polite sometimes.

I was trying to be happy and thankful and just glad he was alive.  He could be grumpy with me and not say thank you for anything and assume I knew these things.  Yeah…I’ve gotten over being a doormat through this experience.  Dr. Evil never thought of me as a doormat – I did.  He thought I understood he was appreciative.

Sorry dude.  I’m a girl who needs to hear things.  I need to hear that I look nice and I’m doing a good job with the spawn.  I need to hear I’m appreciated.  And not just in regards to being sick.  In life.  I need to hear these things on a regular basis.  Even after 16 years of marriage, 4 spawn, 2 houses, 4 dogs, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Some people are very sure of themselves and need no outside reassurance or praise.

I. Am. Not. One. Of. Those. People.

I’ve stopped wishing I was one of those people.  I’ve accepted I am who I am.  And it’s okay.  Except when it’s not.

…..

Evil Joy will return with the normal Evil Joy posts later today.  I felt like writing what I wanted to write and not trying to write something someone might want to read.   SO…. if this wasn’t your cup of tea – add some lemons and come back later.

19 Comments

  1. As funny as evil joy is…. It would be easy to get caught hiding behind it… We have to be human. We need to let it out and say how we feel. It’s good to be human and share those raw emotions. Maybe he will read your blog? Realize what you did for him??? And change? Be nice etc??

    • Dr. Evil really is a very sweet and caring man. He’s just waaaaayyy more introverted than I am and I crave more extroverted expressed emotions. I hope I didn’t give the impression he’s not…he really is special and I love him to pieces…..

      And I agree – it’s easy to be funny. I’m funny a lot. It’s scary to go outside that box……

      Thanks for reading! Will be thinking of you today as we return to Afton!

  2. I Love you Evil Joy!

  3. Hi EJ,
    Just stopped by, read your post and decided NOT to click Like… If feel if I’d do that, I’d give the impression to like the heartache and pain in it. We’ve got four children and a life to put back from scratch following our waking up from our religious delusion, and as new immigrants, too…

    I can’t pray for you, but I can sit here in silence and respectfully admire your determination. We wish you all the best we could wish to ourselves.

    Rom

    • Hey Rom – thanks for the reply. It sounds like you’ve dealt with quite a lot in the recent past. Good for you making it through to the other side. I too often struggle with liking a ‘hard’ post – never quite know what to do…..

      Good luck. I’m looking forward to reading more on your blog….

  4. Joy, I don’t often read your posts (not because I don’t love ya…just because my FB days are very limited these days). BUT, I love this post! Some of the feelings you have are SO MUCH like how I feel, but I would NEVER be able to put that feeling into words like you just did. Thank you for having a voice and expressing your true emotions!

    • Thanks for the reply Nicole! I’m hearing a lot of women are feeling this way and even a number of men. One friend told me sharing the load of insecurity makes it less heavy and she was right!

  5. You are stronger than you think, even in down times. You are amazing, and I’m better off now knowing you.

    • Teri – you rock. I think you’ve been my saving grace several times since we met. I thank my lucky stars you stopped by my FB page and I learned from you to head back to the pages that find you and find them!!! I’m so thankful for you!!!

  6. Joy, my heart goes out to you for all you went through over the past year. I want you to know that you are a truly amazing person, a wonderful mom, and the best partner I could have ever wished for for my little brother. Your love for him is truly a gift from God. Please don’t ever doubt yourself! You are on the journey that God chose for you and I truly believe that Brent recovered as fast as he did because of your love and prayers. Thank you so much for being a forever part of our family – Janet

  7. This is wonderful. Just wonderful. I think I might need to read it a few more times just to get the full scope of how much I relate to your thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

  8. Sounds like your “love language” is words of affirmation. You need that! Most people need it somewhat but some need it more. And you know what, there is nothing wrong with that. But we need to let others know what we need.

    I loved learning how Evil Joy came to be. Isn’t it interesting it was a trauma that your family was experiencing? I get that. My blog started after a couple of miscarriages and hit full gear once I had my 3rd loss.

    • I’m sorry you’ve had to experience your losses. It’s so hard. We had one loss. Devastating.

      It does strike now and again how odd it is that I’ve found something love doing because of experiencing a trauma.

  9. Hugs to you Evil Joy. That’s a lot to go through. Stay strong!

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