Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

New Form of Self Torture

Alright.  I’m just going to lay it on the line.

I’m hairy.

Yes, you read that right.  I have the male equivalent  of the 5 o’clock shade by 10 am on my legs and underarms.  And yeah…I have super dark hair.  Evidently the grays don’t start invading the areas of your body (other than your head) until later.

So…while out visiting a friend, I learned about Nads.  And how Nads actually rips hair from the its follicle and makes me ‘shout’ obscenities under my breath.

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Excitedly, I opened the package.  I looked in awe at the few supplies that were going to Change.My.Life.

I would no longer fear panty hose ripping.  (Well…like I ever did that before……)

I would no longer hide my face in shame at the park when Littlest said, “Mama – your legs are super prickly today.  Way worse than yesterday!”

I would embrace my man sized calves.  I would flaunt my smooth legs.  I would show off my tattoo of gibberish.

 

And…….

 

I tried it on my Second Eldest Spawn first.   On vacation.  Away from home.  (And from her brother who would have teased her without mercy.)

 

Yup.  I did that.  I’m not a coward.  She wanted to shave.  And I think she’s too young.  But she’s on a ball team with girls two years older than she and they all shave.

So she willing sat on a bathroom counter.  I put the warm goo on her legs.  Rubbed the strip on.

And ripped that shit off.

She did it.  She survived.  She didn’t cry.  She said, “By the time I’m 18, my hair should pretty much have gotten the idea to NOT EVER come back!”

We got home from vacay.  I decided it was time.  It was time and if I did that to my kid…..I could do it myself.  I mean, how bad could it really hurt?

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It could hurt like a fire filled hole of steaming lava coming up and eating your skin, laughing at you the whole time saying, “SUCKER!!!”.  How the HELL did Eldest Female Spawn not cry?!  Man…I had tears in my eyes.  They didn’t fall.  I held strong.  I remained stoic on the outside since Eldest Female Spawn was watching Scooby Doo and waiting to see what my reaction was.

Then….. after the 87th strip of hair I ripped off my man sized calves…it really didn’t hurt that much.  Or I was so numb to the pain that I was slap happy.  Not sure which, but I didn’t care because it didn’t hurt like the sting of fire ants on your bare feet but alllll over your legs.

And just think….people do this to other areas of their bodies.  Ummmm.   Not today sista.  It hurt my legs that much and my legs are exposed to the elements  – there’s no way I’m waxing parts that don’t see the light of day.  No way in bejebbers.

But…I didn’t have to shave much for 3 weeks.  (only those random areas I realized I missed…you know – the 1/8th inch strip up the inside of your knee…yeah…that part.)

And…it’s almost time.  To once again.  Willingly.

Rip. My. Hair. Out. Of. My. Skin.

 

EJ out – to put on pants to hid my 10am leg hair shadow.

 

So…I’m auditioning for Blogger Idol.  Please tell them you think I should be in the top 12.  Click here and just leave a comment saying you think I’m awesome like a rock star.

And…..Help a hairy girl out and vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  All you have to do is click on that juggling lady.

22 Comments

  1. You are FAR braver than I am. Give me a razor, some cream and bloody tissues stuck to my legs any day.
    Love and kisses,
    Super weenie

  2. Ok so I have a theory. Evil spawn has soft downy, never been shaved hair on her legs while you, and I, have big thick, strong, tough been shaved for 25+ years so the pain is exponentially greater. And she probably wanted it so bad she refused to complain….
    I love NADS…

    • I definitely think she wanted it that bad. And I told her I would STOP if she even thought about carrying on.

      And I love your rational – of course mine was worse – I’m an adult and all injuries are slightly worse in reality for us. Right?

  3. JennSomethingClever

    September 19, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Three weeks?? That might make it worth the effort. The pain, I’m not really worried about, but the painting each leg and all that… Ugh. I’m a very lazy person.

  4. OMG I can’t believe she didn’t cry. I tried at home waxing in High School and cried halfway through the first strip! And I still cry when I get waxed at the salon.

    She said, “By the time I’m 18, my hair should pretty much have gotten the idea to NOT EVER come back!” — keep dreaming, keep dreaming. 🙂

  5. I have waxed my stache – it sucks and requires repeat waxing. Not cool at all. Kudos to your daughter though! Thanks for hooking up 🙂

    • We’ve done it twice since the first time – and each time she is better and better – I only do it if she asks me to – totally her choice – but I think being on a ball team with older girls who I’m sure all shave influences her a bit!

  6. Once, after some wine, I put one of those wax things on my armpit…so much loud profanity. I only got it half way off. I walked around with that thing on until I found wax remover and medical assistance. Never again.

  7. That stuff is pure evil. I love that you tried it on your Second Eldest Spawn first. That’s classic.

  8. Thanks for hooking up my hooker!

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