Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: caffeine

KIWI PUMPKIN COFFEE

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now. At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them.

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I sit with my Keurig in pieces.  The insides of the machine look like a piece of medical equipment.  As THEY SHOULD.  CAFFEINE.  Caffeine.  My sweet nectar of life.  And the Keurig is holding my coffee hostage and I’m starting to loose my mind.  How?  Why?  What am I going to do?  My logical brain says you can drive to the nearest Star-ibou (we have a couple of chains up here – Starbucks, Caribou, Dunn Bros, plus all the AMAZING local places I love).  My emotional brain says, “I WANT MY COFFEE NOW!” image1I’m out of Diet Coke too.  And Diet Pepsi.  And Diet Dew. This is a caffeine emergency.  I don’t physically need it as in I’m not addicted to it. But I’m mentally addicted to my routine.  And my routine has been altered.  As uber type A this is a problem.  Until the caffeine requirement of the morning is met, I’m going to have a problem.  I can’t sit at my computer, write amazing, funny, and witty things until I have my beverage.

I load up into my car.  Even that routine is messed up.  Dr. Evil took my truck to the airport for the week.  It’s so much cheaper to drive his go-go compact car and with him gone the remaining family will fit inside.  (It only seats five…there are six of us.) As fall has arrived all things Pumpkin Spiced Flavored Scented Seeded Hinted have arrived.

As I sit at the drive through waiting for my NON-pumpkin flavored coffee I envision summer.  Kiwi scented candles decorating the counter of the coffee shop, “Jump Right In” by the Zac Brown Band playing on the radio.  I wonder if they’ve tried kiwi flavored coffee?  Would that even work?  Would any fruit work?  Strawberry, orange, lemon?  Something to ponder….

My chocolate nirvana is ready.  It’s basically hot cocoa with a bit of coffee added. See it’s more about the process than the actual caffeine.  It’s like heartburn relief to my brain.  One drink and I am soothed.  Time to head home and get to work.

As I walk into my house I see “True Blood Season 1” disks sitting in my pile of “stuff that doesn’t belong to me that I need to return.”  Yes, I actually have a bin labeled ” Stuff That Doesn’t Belong to Me That I Need to Return.”  (OCD much with the label maker?  Yes, yes I am.  And no… I don’t have a bin labeled “Stuff that Doesn’t Belong to Me That I Intend to Keep.”  That would be stealing.)  I look around my mud/laundry room and think to myself, “This room looks like Fangtasia after Bill stabbed the bartender to save Sookie.”

Discarded clothing caked in football mud, bling from preteen jeans, dog food dishes and shoes.  Burberry bags laying about?!?!  I mean really – I understand backpacks laying about – I don’t like it but I get it.  But do you know how much a BURBERRY BAG COSTS?!?!?!  WHY IS IT ON THE FLOOR!!!!?!?!  There are more shoes than any one household should have.  They are disheveled and everywhere.  Not in orderly pairs as I like them.  If a sonic boom passed through this room it would look better – maybe the boom would magically rearrange, clean and organize my mud/laundry room.  Who does that by the way?  Puts a mud room and a laundry room together.  As an entrance?  It was fine when we moved in and there only four of us – two of us being under the age of 5.  Now with six of us and four of the six being adult sized…..oh my.  Maybe the sonic boom could enlarge the room?  I mean if we’re going big, why not go SONIC BOOM big?

EJ out – to once again seek the caffeine for an altered morning routine.

My AWESOME words were submitted by The Momisodes.  If you’re not reading her, you missing out.  Do it – really – go check her out – follow her blog and read her on Facebook and Twitter.  She’s one of my favorites.  I feel pretty honored to have received her words!

The words she gave me : kiwi ~ fangtasia ~ sonic boom ~ keurig ~ Burberry ~ heartburn relief…….(Now I have to admit – I had to go and look up Burberry.  I so need to get out more…..)

Other amazing bloggers to read and follow – they participated in the “Use Your Words” post today – go see who got my words!!!

Baking In A Tornado

Spatulas on Parade

Stacy Sews and Schools

Follow me home

Battered Hope

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

The Momisodes

Someone Else’s Genius

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Crumpets an Bollocks

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

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Minions Required

 

Hey all my Evil Lovies.  I’ve been missing in action as of late.  Life is really keeping me….carpooling and ball game watching.  Mom of Evil Joy broke a hip so I got to hang out in Iowa for a bit.

  I promise to be back to a more regular posting schedule next week.  I miss hearing from all of you – whether or not you’ve missed me is yet to be seen!  Bwaahwahahahahaha!

So these past few weeks I’ve been noticing a trend.  

I’ve been spending a large portion of my life cleaning up my house while my spawn have been spending a large portion of their lives swimming, jumping on the trampoline, playing with friends and messing up my house.

You all know I’ve got issues with tidy spaces within my own house.  I like the beds made, the toys put away at night, and the weeds pulled.  

None of which has been happening. 

Enter Evil Joy.

Oh, you want to play with a friend?  Okay.  After you do these five chores.  

Oh it’s time for your friend to go home now?   Okay.  After you all spend 10 minutes cleaning up the messes you made.  I know it’ll make her late but that’s okay, I’m sure her mom would agree with me.  You don’t think so?  I don’t care.

I refuse to raise entitled little brats.  Granted we have allowed them – or rather made them – to be entitled, but my spawn will know how to work.  They will know what it feels like to do a good job and then enjoy the feeling that comes from completing a task.

I have to give credit where credit is due.  Yesterday two of the Female Spawn decided they wanted their rooms rearranged.  Again.  (They have a thing about changing up their spaces – no idea where they get their obsessions…no idea at ALL!?!)  I told Eldest Female Spawn she was capable of doing it herself.  She developed a plan, asked me about it and implemented it from start to finish. (Which I have to say, impressed me.  The plan and the asking before action.)  Second Eldest Female Spawn needs assistance with her plan but I told her she must maintain a tidy room and do her chores without me asking in order for me to help her complete the plan.   She cleaned her room (she shares with Littlest) by outlining tasks for herself and employing Littlest to do her will and they did a fabulous job.  (Now…IKEA – I need to put bunk beds BACK together tonight – I made them once upon a time and took them apart in November.) 

They did their part, now I have to follow through on mine.

And not to leave out Eldest Spawn.  The boy knows how to do his own laundry.  And does it.  Regularly.  Before he runs out of clean clothing.  He took it upon himself to do this task.  Asked for instructions on the washing machine and how much clothing to put in said machine.  I have to say I’m impressed.  He has an advantage many entering college don’t have….he knows how to do his laundry.  And how to put sheets on his bed.  How to clean a bathroom and run a vacuum.  Eldest loves to mow the yard and I’m glad he knows that but I’m more proud of the fact he can do his own laundry.   (And I don’t have to have clothing pin marks on my nose the rest of the day since he doesn’t mind his own stank.)

The thing is I love taking care of things for people, especially MY Little People.  But my little people need to help out here because otherwise I can’t do it all and then I turn all EVIL and it’s not fun for anyone.  Besides, I had four spawn for a reason.  

I needed minions.

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EJ out – to deal with the effects of giving up soda AGAIN.  When oh when will I learn just to say no to Diet Coke and Diet Dew?  Diet Pepsi and Diet Sprite?  The siren call of the diet pop is like music to my caffeine deprived ears.  But alas, I will stay strong.  I will do it.  I may be Evil Joy with an extra dose of Evil, but I’ll do it.

Help a girl out!  Click on the juggling lady there on the upper right.  One click is all that is needed to cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  If you’re on a mobile device, scroll all the way down and you’ll see the crazy juggling lady!  Thanks y’all!

 

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE – GIVE ME COFFEE

Evil Joy here with a post on caffeine addiction, the desire to like coffee, and the lack of said desire.

I, in my Evil Wisdom, have decided I drink entirely too much soda.  You have no idea….loads and loads.  Therefore, I declared soda off limits.  However, the reason I drink soda in the first place is I have an unhealthy love of caffeine.  

I LOVE ME SOME CAFFEINE.

Therefore, I must drink coffee.  I like tea a lot, but the kind I have is decaf and I refuse to buy more until I drink what i have….

So….drinking coffee, yes.  Liking coffee, not yet.  Praying to like coffee – you bet your arse.

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So send me some energetic vibes today as I will make it 24 hours with no soda.  I only made it until 4pm yesterday.  Today…I’m doing this thing.

EJ out – to doctor up my coffee – half and half and stevia it is.

Seeing as I’m struggling with this coffee thing already – you should take pity on me and vote for me by clicking on the TopMommy Blogs Juggling Lady – I’m going to change her up today to make it easier to see and figure out what to click.  Thanks!!!

 

(graphic source :themagazine.info)

Thanks…Really…Thank you….

Evil Joy here with a post on …. caffeine, drugs, and how I have to convince my Spawn I can drink soda and not be a druggie.

Really…thanks school.  For telling my spawn caffeine is a dangerous drug.  And since I drink soda I’m a drug user.

I know…it’s not the school.  It’s the interpretation of the statements made by my Spawn.  Particularly Eldest Female Spawn.

As I sit here, downing the second can of the sweet nectar of life – actually the most awesome of all sweet nectars…Diet Code Red Mt. Dew…I’m faced with explaining something to my Spawn that I in fact have an issue with.  Yup…I’m addicted to caffeine.  And yes, technically and scientifically it is a drug and I use it therefore I’m a caffeine user.

But now…to explain it to a spawn.  Really.  Here’s the explanation I feel like giving.  And may give yet…

I’m the MOM – you’re the SPAWN.  I am not using illegal substances.  I drink pop and english tea.  Everyday.  Multiple times a day.  Go play.

And as I forced Dr. Evil just now to read my post, he said, “Well then Grannie is a user too – anyone who drinks coffee is.”  (Funny how he picks my mom….right off the bat…)

Therefore are all places serving coffee beverages dealer-ships?

Did you know if caffeine came onto the market today it would be regulated?

Did you know it is in the best interest of my Spawn to leave my caffeine habits alone?  I know…spoken like a true addict.

Do I have a problem?  Hell yes…give me my soda and leave me alone until I’ve had some.

 

 

 

Ummmm..no…I’m not saying no to my caffeine.

 

Deep thoughts by EJ.  At 5 am.

 

EJ out – to drink some water to dilute the caffeine intake.

 

Send me some energy to fight off caffeine.  Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right to cast a vote for me over there.  I’m falling…I’m falling in the standings….help keep me in the top 10 Humor Blogs…..

 

 

(graphic source :theyankinoz.com)

Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Post….

Evil Joy here with a post on Evil Insomnia – and its Evil Counterpart – Evil Infomercials.

So I went to Eldest Spawn’s football game on Friday night.  (They won!!  First win of the season.)  It was chilly.  Nature called.  There was no one there to answer so I drove a mile down the road to the nearest gas station.  And decided I wanted a cup of coffee.  Now..I don’t drink coffee…I just wanted to hold on to it.  But lo and behold I decided to get the cappuccino stuff that masquerades as coffee.  And being the Evil Awesome Wife I am to Dr. Evil, I got him a cup of “real” coffee as he digs the nasty stuff.

Well, holding onto a cup of something to drink got to me.  I have this issue with liquids.  Have them near me, I will drink them.  Quickly. Multiple cups of whatever.  This is why I don’t often drink liquor because I tend to drink it like I drink everything else – too much and too fast.

So I downed that 20 oz cup-o-masquerading coffee.  And warmed up slightly.

Finally – time to head home.  Dr. Evil was leaving from the away game to catch a flight and a friend had all Female Spawn.  Eldest Spawn had to ride the bus back to school.  I was all alone and rocking on the way back to the middle school.  Feeling pretty energized given it was the end of the day, we’d run 10 miles that morning, Dr. Evil was leaving town, and it was Friday.

Didn’t think too much of it.  It was pretty nice out and I was happy to listen to what I wanted on the radio with the Evil Commentary of various spawn.

Home.  Shopping.  Home again.  Spawn to bed.  Cleaned the house.  Put away laundry.  Tried to go to bed.  Nope.  Nada.  Not gonna happen.

Okay…watched tv for a while.  Normally I go to sleep with the tv on for noise – especially when Dr. Evil is on travel.  So…tv on – boring show I’d seen before so I wouldn’t pay attention.  Finally…sleep arrived sometime after 11:30pm.

Until….

2:28am.

Wide.Freaking.Awake.

After attempting to read a book for a while, I started flipping channels.

Do you have any idea how many channels have infomercials on during the night.  And I saw ads for :

  • Insanity
  • P90X
  • The Food Ninja
  • Various Medical Devices
  • ProActive
  • Make Up
  • Body by Marnie (or something like that)
  • Time Life Carol Burnett Series
  • More cooking crap
  • Bo-Flex
  • Tred Walker (or something like that)
  • Perfect Brownie Pan
  • The Perfect Bra
  • The Slimmer
  • The Bullet

I’m sure I saw more.  I don’t watch them but was simply so amazed how many infomercials were on I went to the channel guide channel and started counting.  After 17 I gave up.  People must actually buy all this crap stuff.

Finally couldn’t take it anymore and flipped on NetFlix – Okay…movie.  “Sliding Doors.”  Seen it a million times.  Love it.  Should be able to zone out and go to sleep.

Nada.  Awake.

By now it’s after 5am.  I finally get some sleep sometime around 6:30 to 8.  Then the phone starts ringing.  Time to get moving.

And consider what product I can create to make an infomercial out of?  Whadda ya think?

  • Evil Joy’s Very Own Evil EyE Glasses (Just put them on to scare your spawn into submission)
  • Evil Joy’s Personal Guide to Style (How to pull off sweats any time and any where)
  • Evil Joy’s Never Empty Water Bottle (Simply open the top and put more water in it!  Amazing!)
  • Evil Joy’s Sweet Nectar of Life Instant Delivery and Refresh Service (aka Dr. Evil)

So note to self – no more fake coffee.  No more real coffee.  Not after 3pm – certainly not after 5pm.

EJ out – to make some yummy soup on this chilly day.  Better than coffee, right?

Warm me up with some Evil Love and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  Thanks!!!

 

6:42 am …. the School Bus is here?!?! ….

Evil Joy here with a non-caffeinated post.  Today’s focus : early bus time for 11 year olds (and 12 and 13 year olds).  And the fact that it interferes with my morning caffeine if I happen to get up a few minutes late…..

What the heck?  6:42 am.  5 days a week.  Noah has to be up and ready to board the School Bus at 6:43.  He leaves the front door at … 6:42 …. and hustles out to the end of the street to get on the bus.  Mind you, the end of the street is like a quarter mile away.  Occasionally I hear “Oh crap!” followed by running feet as the bus has made said approach a few minutes early – in which case Evil Joy screeches “Hurry it up – don’t miss the bus – I can’t take you today!”

In elementary school the spawn get on the bus slightly after 8am.  They go to bed early.  The get up early.

By middle school the eldest spawn would like to stay up and hang out a bit – exercise the right of being the oldest.  However, as he needs a lot of sleep to not join the Evil ranks, Evil Joy makes him go to bed at an unreasonably early time … namely the same time as his 4 year old sister (and 6 and 9 year old sisters).  “Totally not fair!” responds the spawn.

And you know what, Evil Joy agrees.  He should get to stay up a little later.  He is, after all, the Big Kid in the family.

However non-caffeinated morning Evil Joy does reassess the situation anytime Nice Mom Joy lets said spawn stay up late.  Said spawn is definitely going to join the Evil ranks if his lack of sleep continues.

The fact my children get up at the butt-crack of dawn is really a fact to be taken into account.  Having to wake Noah up at 6:20 is a nearly unheard of thing … until about 2 weeks ago.  We used to pay Eldest Spawn to stay in bed until 6am – if he could do it 5 days in a row he received a $1.  Over the course of a year I think he earned a whooping …. $3.00.

So early bus time – go suck a tree.  Quit interfering with my morning caffeine.  Evil Joy must be suppressed in the morning as little spawn go off to school.  We can’t have little spawn feeling like little evil spawn on their bus now can we?!?!

Evil Joy out – go find that sweet nectar of life called Diet Coke.

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