Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: depression

PTSD Sucks

My husband had surgery in mid December. He got hurt snowboarding. I didn’t deal well with any of it.

PTSD sucks. 

Seeing him semi-conscious pre-surgery with a nasal cannula, hooked up to an I.V., with blankets covering him to his chin put me back to a place I never want to return. His eyes were closed, his breathing was slow, and I was helpless.

It wasn’t the same thing. He was going to wake up and be just fine. Not have to learn to walk again. Not have to be in the hospital for weeks. Not come home and be helpless.

PTSD sucks.

My behavior was normal. Completely and totally normal. My mind remembered the fear and anxiety and my body reacted. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was testy and OCD about the house being tidy. I made sure everything was done and done properly and then would sit in my closet with the door shut and sob uncontrollably until one of the kids needed me. Finally my husband told me I was scaring the kids and needed to go to the doctor. That statement, “You’re scaring the kids,” punched me in the gut. The kids have always come to me with their problems and fears. Always me.

PTSD sucks. 

I went to the doctor. She assured me I wasn’t the awful human being I, in that moment, believed myself to be. She explained anger can be extreme anxiety. That my body was using muscle memory of a traumatic event and that was why I hadn’t been able to eat more than a yogurt a day in over a week. She told me….it was time to go back on anxiety meds for a little while. I sat there and cried, relived to hear I wasn’t going crazy, I wan’t going to be like this forever, and that I wasn’t an awful human.

PTSD sucks.

The sun didn’t shine in my world for a while. I was still upset and testy. I worried incessantly about my husband, his interpretation of rules, and his recovery. I quickly learned to keep that to myself as he’s an adult and unlike last time, he’s just fine. I was trying to control a situation that wasn’t mine to control. Letting go was, and is hard, but necessary.

Last week, I felt like myself for the first time since he got hurt. I didn’t plaster a smile on my face and chatter out of fear of anyone seeing through my act. Those closest to me knew better but respected my need to attempt to act normal. I smiled a real smile. Laughed without forcing it. I went snowboarding without guilt. I found my happy.

PTSD sucks.

You just have to see it through to the other side.

Double Dip…Stigma Fighters and Use Your Words

Today I’m double dipping.  I’ve got a post up that is important to me.

Not knowing exactly when it was going up ….. I also committed to Use Your Words.

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So today…I’m integrating these two.

 

You’re going to find highlights (and low points) of my ‘story’ today on a post at Old School/New School Mom in a series she has called Stigma Fighters.  I realize I’m sharing a very intimate part of my life with complete strangers. But that’s what fighting stigma is about.

When you deal with mental health issues, if feels as though your mind is broken.  And there is stigma associated with admitting there’s a problem.  It doesn’t make you a weak person.  It doesn’t make you a loser.  In fact, when you seek help it shows the world just how strong you can be.  And maybe, just maybe, you’ll give another the courage to do the same.  It could mean the difference between life and death.

You deal with your health issues when they seem simple – like a cold or a sprained ankle.  Why should keeping your mind healthy be any different?  Realizing you need help is hard.  I didn’t see it when I was in the thick of the worst.  It took Dr. Evil telling me something was wrong after I had my second child and a minor car accident.  My reaction was over the top.  Way over the top.

But I sought help.  And over the years I’ve learned to follow my instincts when I sense I’m not on a good path.   And I’ve learned to deal with many of the issues that cause me to trigger.

At the end of the day….I’m a happy, healthy person.  And I can say that now because I’m dealing with my demons.  I have issues, but who doesn’t?

And now….I’m working to break the stigma.   Check out the post over at Old School/New School Mom.

 

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

I’m using:               Highlights, complete stranger, mind, and follow your instincts

They were submitted by:          Confessions of a part-time working mom

 

YOU MUST READ her blog!  And all of the others!  I have SPOKEN.  And I’m the all powerful EVIL JOY.  Do as I command….or I’ll go EVIL ON YOUR ARSE.

(I had to throw that in….I’m normally sort of a cheeky blogger who is more humorous than serious…..don’t want people to miss that side of me!!!)

 

 

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

http://bakinginatornado.com                       Baking In A Tornado

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                Battered Hope

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/              Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com            Someone Else’s Genius

http://fbxadventures.blogspot.com                 FBX Adventures (In Parenting)

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/            Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/        Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.outmannedmommy.com                 Outmanned

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com           Evil Joy Speaks

http://www.healingtomato.com                        Healing Tomato

http://themomisodes.com                           The Momisodes
http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com              Juicebox Confession

Loud and Clear

Sometimes when I go to church I can’t find the meaning in the message.  At least not right away.

Sunday…I heard it loud and clear.

Hope.

Even when things are going badly, hope.

Hope is the miracle.

Maybe the prayers and pleadings were and are answered but maintaining hope through all the hard stuff…that is the miracle.

That’s the message I heard.

During dark times, hope glimmers.  It may be dim at times, but the glimmer remains and can be rekindled into a strong flame.

I was bawling during Mass today.  Father talked about maintaining hope during the worst.  He talked about the worst being job loss, death, illness, or fear.  We all prayed for those suffering from depression.   Then the Knights got up and spoke about what they do and how the support the community.  One of the many things they listed was financial support to families going through tough times.  And yes, they supported us, as did our church.  In addition to a sea of support we received from those surrounding us.

I’m finally starting to see the lighter side of things.  While I fully understood and appreciated the depth of support surrounding our family while Dr. Evil was sick, I am seeing the miracle in it all.  I’m looking beyond the fear for the first time.  People were helping knowing we had a long road to recovery.  They weren’t helping simply to quiet the fear of his possible death.

I’m very good at hiding when I’m all but short of sobbing.  I held the tears at bay until the end of Mass.  Eldest caught on – but he’s sensitive to my moods.  And he was right next to me.  He also knew I wasn’t going to talk about it right there.   He smiled and, as he’s learned from me, teased me until I laughed.   We went on our way to the grocery to get what we needed for our day.

 

This isn’t about believing in God or not believing God.  This isn’t about being Catholic or Methodist or Wiccan or Agnostic.

This is about hope.

This is about seeing that glimmer of light.   And being ready to chase it.

I’m ready.

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What gives you hope in the worst of times?

The graphic used is courtesy of Gina Valley.  You can find her on Facebook at : www.facebook.com/Gina-Valley.  Twitter @GinaValley.  And on her blog : www.ginavalley.com

Early Riser, Night Owl

Sunrise, Sunset

Sunrise Sunset….

I wish I slept like a normal person.  I will go days where I sleep no more than 2 hours a night.  Followed by days where I can’t stay awake past 8 pm and will sleep until 8 am…if the spawn shut the hell up and Dr. Evil doesn’t fluff the bedspread eight times…then follow it up with rearranging his pillows 84,000 times during his nighttime ‘get-comfortable’ ritual….which can occur anywhere from 9:30pm to 1am depending on what he’s got going on.

Then there’s the fun ones – the ones where I fall asleep too early – like 9pm – and am wide awake from 1am to 5am.  I get a lot of books read during this time.  I can’t do laundry during the night as the machines are over Eldest Spawn’s room and like me, he’s a light sleeper.  I can’t clean the kitchen because the dogs hear the water and come running like there’s a rabbit to chase….in turn waking up various spawn…who wake up other spawn…who still don’t get Dr. Evil to wake up…pissing me off even more (usually annoyed I can’t sleep but can’t get anything done to make the next day easier since I know I’m going to be tired)…making it harder yet to sleep.  Yeah…I get a lot of books read between 1am and 5am.  I try to stay off the computer because that’s a guaranteed no-more-sleep night….once I’m on….I’m sucked in.

I’ve given up caffeine.  I’ve tried melatonin.  I have a prescription to help – hate it.  I’ve tried Tylenol pm.  I’ve tried a beer.  I’ve tried wine.  I’ve tried abstaining from all of these things.  I’ve tried working out at night.  I’ve tried working out in the mornings.  I’ve tried complete darkness.  I’ve tried having a radio on.

Problem is – when I’m tired, I’ve overly emotional.  In the middle of the night…..when I don’t sleep I think about what could have happened.  I think about what did happen.  I find myself back in time – worrying about what was going to happen.  I occasionally fall asleep only to wake up in a cold sweat worried about the sounds the monitors are making in Dr. Evil’s hospital room.  Which one is it?  His heart monitor – dialysis machine?  The ventilator?  What is the sound?!?!  Oh yeah – it’s my watch alarm going off because it’s 5:45am.  I’m on the couch in my living room with a dog looking at me like I’m as crazy as I feel.

When this happens multiple nights in a row, I find a reason to NOT sleep.  I don’t want to dream about that.  

….Down comes a rested Dr. Evil followed by three spawn wandering down in random states of alertness.  Eldest Spawn meanders up from the basement.  And I seek my coffee.  STAT.  Or if my mood is really off – bring on the Diet Dew – or whatever brand of poison I have in the fridge.

Then…the migraines arrive.  Yay oh yah – happy day.  Because then….I have to go to bed.  I have to take some medicine.  I sleep usually about 12 hours after downing about a gallon of water.  And I just sleep.  Usually deep, deep sleep where I don’t remember my dreams upon waking.  Yeah – the migraine hangover headaches suck.  But at least I got some sleep and we can reset the clock again.

Theme Thursday’s theme : Early Birds, Night Owls…….  I went a little off the cliff with this one – I didn’t mean to – just sort of happened.

 

Go check out the other Theme Thursday awesomeness.  Jen at Something Clever 2.0  – along with The Next Step, The Insomniac’s Dream, and Mom With Her Running Shoes On host Theme Thursday every week.  They’re amazing and if you’re not following them – what’s WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?  Just kidding – but going follow them!!

Get Up and Go – Get Back Here!

Evil Joy here with a post on motivation.  And needing it to return to me.  At all costs.  At any cost.

SO…..it’s 2013.  We rang in the New Year with friends and family.  It was great.  Except it wasn’t.  That’s another story waiting to be told.

Now…the spawn are back to school.  Except the one that was sick.  But wasn’t.  Just over tired.

So now….finally we are having a ‘normal’ day.  Except I’m not.  Not sure why.  Just not.

 

Motivation – listen up.  I need you.  I need you bad.  I want you.  I want you bad.  (and yes, I’m aware my grammar sucks….)

Motivation – get your arse over here and make it plant in my brain.  I need to find you and keep you and hug you and hold you tight.

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EJ out – to find coffee – which will hopefully contain a smidgen of motivation.

 

Hopefully this motivated you to vote for me at TMB.  Click on the juggling lady in the upper right.  That’s all it takes.  Thanks!

 

 

(graphic source : http://www.behance.net/Pictomotom/frame/779271  Thom Lambert)

Seriously….

Evil Joy here with a post on the crap that continues to remind how close I am to falling off the edge of the cliff that is my sanity.

I do pretty well considering – Considering

  • I’m nuts
  • I’m a mom
  • I’m a mom to four spawn
  • I actually call my children spawn, children of the corn, spawn begotten of Evil Joy
  • I’m married to Dr. Evil
  • Dr. Evil was created
  • Evil Joy was created
  • I smooshed my dog with my truck
  • People I’m close to keep ending up in the hospital
  • People I’m close to keep moving away
  • Depression is something that haunts me regularly, along with its wonderfully Evil Counterpart Anxiety

I think I do pretty damn good considering I’m me.

But seriously – enough with the constant Evil Weird Things to remind me of why I even have this blog.  See, ambulances seem to follow me around and they induce crazy thoughts of panic and fear deep in my soul.  (I’m not exaggerating here people – you have no idea what the sight of an ambulance, let alone with its lights and sirens agoing…)  Then there’s smells – like bleach.  May I remind you I clean people’s houses for them so I can stay home with my spawn.  Yeah – I use bleach.  And once in a while if I’m not paying close enough attention I use too much bleach in too little of a space and have to step out so I can breathe.  Not being able to breathe goes hand in hand with smells – makes me think of Dr. Evil being intubated and the last thing he said to me before being intubated, “I just want to be able to breathe.  Oh yeah, I love you too.”

And now – seriously – I have one (or twelve) weakness when it comes to television.  I like Hank Med on USA.  I’m watching while cleaning up the kitchen.  And the guy on there goes into …wait for it….

EVIL FREAKING SEPTIC SHOCK!?!?!

What the hell?  Is the universe telling me to suck it up and get over it already?  Because believe me, there is nothing I’d like more than to not dread ambulances, smells, travel for and going to work (for Dr. Evil), and medical television shows (damn it – I like Hank Med!)  I’m sure there’s a lesson here – just have to be quiet and hear it – however, with 4 children of the corn spawn in my lair – I can’t hear much over the noise of life.  Maybe the lesson is to learn to deal with it versus keep trying to get over it and failing at attempting to pretend it never happened.

I don’t know.  I guess I’ll just…

“Keep Calm and Carry On”  (thanks Katie 🙂  )

EJ out – to read a book so I can pretend I’m ready to sleep.

Take a second and click on the juggling mom icon on the right – the click will cast a vote for my blog on the Top Mommy Blogs.  I’m bouncing in and out of the top 10 Humor blogs – help me out here – keep me on the cliff….”the cliffs of insanity”  (I really need to expand my movie quoting abilities.)

 

Grrr…….

This whole Top Mommy Blogs thing is getting under my skin.  I’m such a people pleasing overachiever non-rule breaking Evil Joy that losing votes…not not gaining, but losing votes is seriously adding to my already bummed out day.  

I wish I didn’t care….but I so do!  I want this blog to go somewhere and be something.  And I’m letting one website’s rating of me affect my day strongly (and no Dr. Evil, that’s not what’s got me down today).  So I’m going to go an entire day without checking.  Yeah right?  OCD anyone?  Not really……but…….

The day began with crazy little people, more little people, more crazies, cleaning the garage, feeding crazy little people, going to appointments, spastically cleaning up a bit before Dr. Evil got home, gardening only to find one MORE super hot pepper and 10,000 under ripe tomatoes, to rushing out the minute Dr. Evil got home only to miss registration for the Eldest Spawn by 5 minutes.  Five freaking minutes.  They auto lock the doors.  Note says “You’re welcome to stop back tomorrow between 12-6.”  Okay……so I had a hard time getting there by 6 today….what happens if tomorrow….oh well…tomorrow will be tomorrow.  It’s all good.

Seeing as the fridge was darn near empty I decided I should clean it before loading it with Dr. Evil’s Sams Club shopping trip on his way home from work.

Now…I’m hiding on the computer.  Seriously, hiding from everyone.  Next I’m going to sneak upstairs and fold laundry.  Then I can run away and not feel badly about disappearing for a bit.

So….I’m in a funk.  I need to get out of it.  I don’t like being in a funk.  I just sit and cry and walk around and cry….and just cry some more.  Then I get a headache.  Lovely.  WTHeck?!?!  I thought the extra running I’m trying to get in (which is like the one thing I truly do for myself – with no one else in mind) would lift me out of it, but nope.  Nada.  

Not yet.  

Tomorrow will be better.  I have spoken.

EJ out – to continue my hidden existence in the house …. 

Vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs if you want to…..I’m not sure how it works, but I’ll take a vote if I can get one…..

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