Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: Elf on the Shelf

The Outcome…Battle of the Seasons 2013

Schmucky Shmuck here with the final battle update on the Battle of the Seasons.  Regions the Elf and the Thanksgiving Decor have fought to the bitter end.  Who won?  Who lost?  Read on dear readers, read on.

The Thanksgiving Decor trapped Regions and the Elf.  I can’t say he didn’t have it coming.  But…did they pay him back…or did they go too far?

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They got him and they got him good!

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The Thanksgiving Decor got Regions the Elf to the top of the mantel by tricking Dr. Evil into helping.  And then….the unthinkable happened.

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Regions the Elf suffered impact injuries.  And once again, Burton Puppy was used to as a tool of Evil and dragged him around the house.

But….Regions the Elf….

Had the FINAL WORD.

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He was overheard saying, “Later suckers.  Enjoy the moth balls.”

And look at the smile on that cheeky Elf’s face.

This has been the final report by Schmucky Schmuck on the Battle of the Season 2013.  I’m sure there will be more battles to report on in my future.  Will the Thanksgiving Decor stay packed away?  Will Regions be haunted by his injuries?  Will Burton Puppy be forced to do more Evil?  Stay tuned.

EJ out – because really – after all that – I’m sort of done.

However….I’ve taken a huge FALL in the ratings of the Humor Section of Top Mommy Blogs.  If you could find it in your holiday hearts to click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon there on the right, I’d be in a more festive spirit!  Thanks!

The Battle Wages On….

Schmucky Schmuck here with a disturbing update on the events of the Battle of the Seasons.

Violence has broken out in the Lair of Evil Joy.  Injuries occurring on both sides.  Some of you may find the following pictures disturbing at best, appalling at worst.  View at your own risk.

The Thanksgiving Decor railed back again the premature placing of Santas.  Below are two of the casualties.  We have yet to find both arms to the Santa on the right.

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After such a vicious attack, the Santas and Snowmen retreated to the tops of the shelves.  Or did they?  Isn’t that where they live during the holidays?  The plot thickens.

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Things have gotten so bad Regions the Elf contacted his nemesis the Troll from the Pole (TM).  The Troll from the Pole (TM) came to visit overnight and brought epoxy as a temporary peace offering.  Although we all know epoxy is forever.  This could be the start of another epic battle.  Oh the drama!  Oh . the . drama!!

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At publish time we learned of a tragic event.  The Santas and Snowmen have gone too far.  They enlisted the malleable soul of Burton Puppy.  The dog who can’t resist chewing.  We fully believe this dog was manipulated.  However, he went too far.  Too far people, too far.  Again, the following image is disturbing.  View with extreme caution.

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Evil Joy was able to intervene and a temporary peace treaty was enacted.

Both members of the Thanksgiving Decor are repaired and in good health.  However, I can’t say good spirits. They are keeping their distance from Burton Puppy and are temporarily living on the fireplace mantel.

The Santas will be repaired by day’s end.

Let’s all hope for a peaceful outcome to the Battle of the Season in the Lair of Evil Joy.  No more ceramic-shed or glass-shed.  No more stuffing where it doesn’t belong.  Peace.  We must hope for peace.

This has been a news update from Schmucky Schmuck.  On location.  At the Lair of Evil Joy.

Troll from the Pole (TM) was used with permission from The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.  Please visit her blog – she’s awesome!

A Line has been drawn…

In the Snow.

Schmucky Schmuck here with breaking news from the lair of Evil Joy.

A standoff is occurring.  It may lead to the battle of the season.  Or rather the battle of the seasons.

After an attempt at a dictatorial takeover resulting in failure, Regions sought help.

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Regions the Elf is rallying the Christmas and Winter Decor out of storage early.  He’s gained support from Santas and Snowmen alike and is ready to attack.  To take over Thanksgiving.  And to chase away the Thanksgiving Decor.

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Thanksgiving Decor is not giving up easily.  They will not go quietly into storage.  From Thanksgiving Decor’s point of view the attacking forces appear great in numbers, but drunk in stature.

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The Thanksgiving Decor are small in number but freakishly tall.Screen Shot 2013-11-24 at 3.56.50 PM

Hope does exist.  The foes were seen racing together in toy cars.  Having fun by all appearances.

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And then we looked more closely. (The following scenes may disturb some readers.  View at your own risk.)

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After speaking with Thanksgiving Decor we learned their true feelings about Regions the Elf appearing before Thanksgiving is complete.

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Who will win?  Can there be winners in such a fight?  All seasons are to be celebrated and now…now we have fighting where fighting should not exist.  If you think Thanksgiving Decor’s feeling about Regions the Elf coming out early are intense, I strongly suggest dear readers you not mention Black Friday starting on the one day of the year dedicated to them.

Check back frequently for updates on the Battle Of The Seasons.

Regions….The Naughty Elf

FYI : This post is Not for children.

Today I was fortunate enough to be featured on ElfShaming.com.   Regions sure does ‘get around’ if you know what I mean….

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Regions showed up at Regions hospital when Dr. Evil was sick.  He tricked Evil Joy into buying him and bringing him to the hospital.  He had a dirty secret.

Regions had just finished his 7th stay at rehab for nurse nailing and drug abuse.  He is frequent flyer at local hospitals.  He just found a new one so they weren’t wise to his perverted, drug stealing ways.

He escaped the last rehab facility and sneeked into a large store one night – found the duct tape and some scissors and bound up the elf really meant to be in the box.  (We’re still searching for him…local authorities – the renowned Green Army Men – suspect Regions put him with the Halo figurines and they used him for target practice….)  Regions made sure he was the only box upright and undamaged on the shelf – he knocked the others down and dented the corners knowing holiday shoppers are looking for the “perfect” box.

Unbeknownst to Evil Joy, Regions had her pegged.  Evil Joy had been in this store just yesterday staring at the other Elf on The Shelf boxes….even picked up one.  Then put it back down.  Good fortune was shining on Regions.

Evil Joy ran in and purchased Regions.  She had no idea of the Evil in that box.  Regions was drooling with anticipation of the nurses bending over to tend to him and views he was sure to get.  The sponge baths…man, he was really ready for one of those.  And of course….the drugs.  He could only hope he could get his hands on some good ones this time – not the stool softeners like last time.  Not a pretty sight.

Regions was biding his time.  Just waiting for the right moment. 

Then it came.

Dr. Evil left for dialysis.  It was time.  He climbed up, hooked himself up to the leads and waited.  In walked the nurse.

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Shit.  In walked the MALE nurse.  With bath supplies.  Regions was in for a new experience. 

He was never so happy for Dr. Evil to be discharged on Christmas day.  Home to the lair of Evil Joy, Dr. Evil and their crazy spawn.  He thought possibly he’d found peace at last.

Until the dog got ahold of him and starting humping away.

He couldn’t get packed away soon enough.

Regions the Elf is currently in hiding in one of 15 twenty gallon plastic totes.  The authorities are looking for him in connection with a theft of a large quantity of non-skid hospital socks – and the before mentioned suspected Elf Homicide.  If you have any information, please contact Evil Joy directly.  Thank you.

Comparisons….

Evil Joy here with a post on similarities, differences, and the things interconnecting said comparisons.

 

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to share the important stuff of the last 2 weeks.  The stuff that truly matters to me.  And I’ve decided comparisons and pictures will tell some of the story.

 

So…to set the stage –

There's Good Fun Elves....

There’s Good Fun Elves….

And there's Scary As All Get Out Elves

And there’s Scary As All Get Out Elves….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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And ….

Movies I LOVE to watch over and over....

Movies I LOVE to watch over and over….

Movies I am TOO Scared to watch even once...

Movies I am TOO Scared to watch even once…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you see the pattern?

But….

While some comparison are black and while like the above, the following comparisons aren’t all good or all bad….

Thanksgiving weekend 2011 at Regions Hospital

Thanksgiving weekend 2011 at Regions Hospital

 

Thanksgiving Day 2012 with the cousins

Thanksgiving Day 2012 with the cousins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Awake ..... 2011

Awake ….. 2011

Awake ... 2012

Awake …. 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Getting the tree 2011....

Getting the tree 2011….

Getting the tree 2012....

Getting the tree 2012….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Decorating the tree 2011.... Dr. Evil still in hospital.....

Decorating the tree 2011…. Dr. Evil still in hospital…..

Decorating the tree 2012... with Dr. Evil....

Decorating the tree 2012… with Dr. Evil….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Love 2011......

Love 2011……

Love 2012.....

Love 2012…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As 02 Dec 2012 dawns, I recall 02 Dec 2011 with great clarity.  Dr. Evil was awake.  This was going to be his first full day of consciousness since 20 Nov 2011.   Fast forward a year.  Lots of crazy, scary, wonderful, awful, amazing, and terrifying memories…..

So here’s to another great year.  2011 had challenges and events beyond my dreams, nightmares, and everything in between.  I can’t change the past, so I may as embrace it.  I found strength in others I didn’t know existed – and strength in myself I never imagined.  I wish Dr. Evil hadn’t ever been sick, but if he hadn’t – we wouldn’t be who we are today.  So … while I’m not grateful for his illness, I’m so very grateful for the love, knowledge, strength, and memories of the last 12 months.

EJ out – to live today to its fullest.

 

If you liked reading my post, click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon to cast a vote for me.  Thanks…..

(graphic sources : imdb.com, senseofrightalliance.wordpress.com)

 

Protect Yourselves Thanksgiving Dolls….Regions has Escaped

So Regions is our Elf on the Shelf. He’s got a past. I’ll tell you about it next week. But I can’t let Thanksgiving Day go by without warning all those decorative dolls out there about his sick, perverted ways.

Damn that Regions. He came out of hiding. He’s still stuck on nurses….and would like to be literally stuck on a nurse….

And managed to corrupt the sweetest Thanksgiving decorations ever…my two brand new Native American Dolls.

It’s all started out innocent enough.

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Hey Friends. I’m Regions. Pose with me for a photo I’m taking on my internet connected computer. Oh – you don’t know what that is – no worries. Just pose.

Regions started pushing the envelope immediately.

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Hey Sweet Lady. You look sort of like a nurse with that cool hat thing on. Let me get a little closer.

Wanna visit my sweet cornucopia? I’ve got something here for us to smoke….we can make some love…Opps I meant peace….

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Little did they know Regions had spiked the smokes with some fun stuff he found at the hospital. Now the real shenanigans began….

Notice that little minx of an elf winking at you…..he knows he’s broadcasting….

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Not wanting either Doll to feel neglected, he made sure they enjoyed themselves immensely. And wow – did he give them an education this holiday season……

So the origins of your decorations may say China, but really, you came out of a place much like this one…..trust me…I’ve been to the hospital A Lot. Yes sweet thing, this is what all elves and Native American Dolls do together…..

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[I really just want the lady, but hey, I’ll do whatever I have to get a little.]

Let me help you out with that pumpkin there buddy. Can I cause you to have a little extra wood to support it with?

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He’s hoping he can use the broadcast to blackmail the Dolls into helping hide from the Renowed Green Army Men chasing him down due to various parole violations….

If you see Regions, put on a chastity belt to protect yourself and then notify Evil Joy immediately. Thank you. This has been an Elf Shaming. Repeat, an Elf Shaming of Regions the Elf.

You have to go check out ElfShaming. Seriously the best thing out there this holiday season. Be ready to pee your pants. Then check out Let Me Start By Saying. Awesomeness abounds this season.

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