Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: friends (page 1 of 2)

A Text Post : Brought to you by PMS

Last week I sent a request to Dr. Evil.

“PMS wants ice cream.  I have stated this so that you know it is PMS requesting ice cream and not me.  For future reference you may never EVER ask me if PMS wants anything.  I – meaning PMSing me – will let you know.  Would you please add it to the grocery list?”

I decided I was pretty freaking funny.  I was telling my friend from life and now closer friend because we work at the ski hill Gina about the above witty, brilliant message.  She asked me if I remember Kojak?  I don’t recall watching but remember the stories of a killer dog and being wary of dogs if I walked alone at night when I was a kid.

We started a text conversation as only two women can.  We were rolling with our respective laughter to the annoyance of those in our RL (real life) company.  It went something like this:

G : I grew up on one hour crime shows.  Maybe that explains why I want to kill everyone?

Me : Matlock, Trapper John MD, Mash

Me : Three’s Company, Oh..my favorite Hunter and Hunter

Me : All the Steven Segal movies

(I swear she was participating and I wasn’t simply badgering…there were some other things we were texting about…like my farting dog..that I’m leaving out.)

Me : Hogan’s Heroes.  Lawrence Welk.  I’ve seen all of those episodes.  God.  Help.  Me.

G : LMAO!  Quincy, Hart to Hart, Rockford Files.  #$#(& I can’t keep up because I’m laughing so hard.

Me : I was permanently scarred by watching the Sharon Stone movie with the ice pick with (removed for my protection).  Oh!  And ‘this is my brother Daryl and my other brother Daryl.”

G : I <3 Lawrence Welk

Me : Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Dallas.  We could make a board game out of this!

Me : Punky Brewster.  Saved by the Bell. More Mash Oh!!!  Flo.  The Kiss My Grits one!

G : Stop I’m going to pee my pants!

Me : I’m sure Trapper John MD can fix the bladder issues!

G : Hubs said we should start a stand up routine!

Me : Remember the Friday night movie.  Murder by the Camp Fire.  Sorority Sisters Gone Wrong.  Nowadays those sound like porn!!

G : I was a fan of the ABC after school specials.

Me : The more you know. Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle.

G : Maybe the ski hill would hire us!

Me : I’m so writing a blog post about this….

G : ….I’m laughing and ignoring my family.  Until Next time EJ!  Me love you long time.

Me : Hey G! Yes Joy?  Remember that one when Willis captured water outside for Kimberly to wash her hair and her hair turned green from the copper bowl?  Yes?  We just have green on the hills here at our ski hill!


Yeah….she’s a keeper.  Life is funny.  Just have to find the funny.  Some days it’s harder than others…but this day…the funny found me and is making me smile again today!

Any funny texts in your world?  I’d love to hear about them!

EJ out – to tackle something since I locked my keys in my truck.  While it was parked in my driveway.  Trapped at home.  With all the laundry!

MILFs and other fun topics

If the title if this post didn’t warn you, this post is intended for a mature audience. Or rather an audience over the age of 16. I just chose a random age. It’s meant for grown ups. Don’t read it with your children.

Get it? Got it? Good. Now on with it.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

All right stop, Collaborate and listen
MILFs are back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
MILFs with a breast pump daily and nightly
Will they ever stop? Yo – I don’t know
Turn off the pump The MILFs will blow
To the extreme MILFs rock a babe like a pro.
Light up a room and milk a boob like a pro.

A group of women got together last Friday. We had laughs. We had wine. Lots of wine.

We decided that we as women needed to celebrate ourselves. We started by going around the table and stating things we are good at.

“I’m a good friend.”
“I’m good at cleaning.”
“I’m getting better at taking care of myself so I can be a MILF.”


The conversation continued and the wine flowed like a river ….at least for me. I kept adding to my glass as did a new friend. Pinot Grigio. Or as I taught the ladies …. Greasy Penis. (My friend Snarkfest shared that with me. Easy way to remember when sending someone else out shopping for your wine. )

After we all made our way home and had a great night’s sleep the conversation continued via group text.

Here’s the list of hashtags we came up with :

Tonight was wonderful, awful, hard and beautiful.
The things we dealt with didn’t define us tonight. We just were friends drinking wine.

We were just women.
Laughing together.
Supporting each other.


Screen Shot 2014-04-20 at 3.22.00 PM

Advice…from a new mom

So I’m linking up at Theme Thursday.  I seem to mess this up every time I do this and forget to do what I’m suppose to.  (I’m sorry!!!)  Here’s the link to Theme Thursday.  Go check out what others are saying about this week’s theme : Advice  Thanks to Something Clever 2.0 for doing this!!!

I love when I go out with my Littlest Spawn.  She’s a doll face .. except when she’s not. Then she’s the devil incarnate.  She can scream and carry on with the best of them.  In the last year, this has subsided considerably but on occasion it still happens.

My favorite situation is when she is having a hard time with a new environment and I’m past dealing with it.  I’m more of the tough love kinda mama – not the cuddling type.  At all.  Ever.  (Sorry Spawn – suck it up – that’s the way it goes – not everyone wins – you’re fine – get over it)

In walks chic mom in her heels, skinny jeans, with her six month old baby dressed in the latest Gap line head to toe.  Who proceeds to give me advice.  For a child who is 4.5 years older than her first baby.  Advice she read in a book.  And her friend told her about.  And she saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

Yeah.  Bite me.

Depending on my mood, one of three things happens:

Mood 1 : Happy and Well Rested


Thanks.  I’m sure it’ll get better.  Have a great day.






Mood 2 : Normal Evil Joy – Tired, Slightly Frazzled, Running 17 Different Directions


Yeah, I know…my older THREE went through this stage too.  Later.







Mood 3 : Exhausted, Dr. Evil on Travel, Other Spawn Acting Up at Home, Last Thin Thread of Sanity Broken by This Woman


Look.  I appreciate you trying to give advice for a child you have no idea about.  Obviously the books you’ve read have made you think you’re prepared.  You’re not.  Just wait.  Wait until she can talk and walk and run away from you and pull over a display in the store.  Wait until she doesn’t like you.  I have THREE OLDER CHILDREN.  I’ve done this shit before.  Yeah – I swore – your baby can’t talk yet and I could say shit over and over again and it will not affect her because she’ll never ever see me again.  And yes, close your open jaw, I swore in front of my five-year old who knows better than to repeat it at all.  I was just like you lady – thought I had it all in the bag.  I don’t.  At least I’m smart and experienced enough to KNOW I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.  Good Day.

Yeah – Mood 3 – not one of my finer moments.  Thankfully I was in a different town and will most likely never see this woman again.  God, I hope not.

So I try hard to not give advice unless asked.  Even then I tread cautiously.  Are they really asking for advice or do they want reassurance everyone is as confused and clueless as the next parent.  None of our spawn came with manuals.  None of our spawn are alike.  Some advice is great …. but sometimes …. for the love of Pete …. bite your tongue.

Except – okay – the one and only time I don’t hold back is if I notice your spawn’s eyes aren’t properly aligned.  Eldest Spawn has strabismus and amblyopia caught at age 2.  He’s been patched, had and still has bifocals, and wears glasses to correct his alignment and vision.  If not caught early enough the damage caused can be more severe.  So…that’s the one time I know I’ve crossed the line….but if it helps just one kid……

EJ out – to drive in the Mother Loving Snow to see a visiting friend!!!!!

Take a minute and help a Mama out – click on the juggling lady located on the upper right.  Doing so casts a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!!!

(graphic sources : pinterest.com, casaazuldelaribera.es)

Evil Something or Other…



Burton Puppy had a little incident.  Actually…we don’t know what the heck happened.

Thursday he came in from outside because Shadow Dog can open the deck door by herself.  He jumped up on the couch next to Eldest Female Spawn doing her Girl Scout homework.  I was on my computer when she let out this horrid, blood-curdling scream.

Now…she’s known to have a bit of drama queen in her so I wasn’t the kindest.

Me...looking not so nice.

Me…looking not so nice.








“What in the world is wrong?  Why are you screaming like that?”

Then Littlest Spawn starts screaming and sobbing all at once.

I jumped up because two out of four crying like that means something may possibly…maybe….probably not…could be…up.

Holy Shit.  I don’t swear a lot (on here) but…wow.

There was a gaping hole in his side.  The fur was hanging next to flesh under this what looked like 4 inch wide tear/bite.  Honestly thought maybe something got ahold of him.

I yelled at Eldest Spawn : Catch Burton.  Hold him still.  Be careful.

Grabbed a beach towel and carefully threw it around him to hold him together.

Me to Eldest Spawn : Get in the truck.  Now.  Move it.

Me to Eldest Female Spawn who was sitting on the stairs rocking and crying : I know it’s scary honey.  You have to pull it together and watch your sisters.  I’ll call Daddy and he’ll be home as soon as he can.  I need your help.

We FLEW out of the driveway and down highway N.  I’m not proud of how fast I drove.  I sped.  A lot.  But I honest to God thought this dog was most likely going to die.  I called Dr. Evil.  He was just leaving work and more than 20 minutes away.

So who do I call?  Awesome Amy.  The conversation went something like this…..

Me : Hi.  I need your help.  Are you busy and what are you doing?

Her : Okay – what do you need.  I’m fine.

Me : Go get my girls.  Burton Puppy is hurt and they are freaking out.  Dr. Evil is about 20 minutes away and I don’t want them alone.

Her : Got it.  I’ll get them and bring them to my place.

Me : Thanks.  You’re the best.


Then I hung up.  I just hung up.   Called the clinic.  It went to voice mail at 4:59.  As I was barreling down the highway I decided I would go there anyways and surely someone would be there to answer the door.

We got in the parking lot at 5:01.  Lights off.  Dark.  Eldest Spawn ran around and banged on every surface we could to see if anyone was there.

No dice.  The message said to go to Woodbury…I thought he’d be dead if we went that far.  (He wasn’t exhibiting any signs of being in pain but was sort of quiet…do dogs go into shock?)

Eldest Spawn googled other vets in Hudson.  Luckily the first one we called was open and only about 3 minutes away.  Bring him right in, we’ll be waiting for you.

Flew in the drive.  Ran around and grabbed him from Eldest Spawn.  In we went.

They were so sweet there….I was a mess.  Remember the whole Fizzgig thing – well, the last time I was this frantic about a dog…I had run him over.  She looked at him and said “Oh, I see.”

The vet came in and looked at him more closely.  Said it was going to take some stitches to close him up but it wasn’t that deep.  He’d need surgery and they’d keep him overnight.  No worries, he’ll be fine.

And then he found his feisty self – she tried to take him from me and he was PISSED.


We left Burton Puppy there and I started to get shaky.  I praised Eldest Spawn.  He was so calm and responsible.  Held onto Burton Puppy all the way there and talked to him in this sweet, calm voice.  He was so…grown up about the whole thing.

Then I started crying.  Poor Eldest Spawn knew what I was thinking about.  He said, “Mom, Fizzy was old.  It was an accident.  And I really was only kidding when you thought I was mad about borrowing my snowboard.”

I had to laugh.  He was trying to cheer me up.  A kid.  A super kid.


We got to Awesome Amy’s and picked up the Female Spawn.  They were doing homework.  Man..that woman deserves a medal.  She is seriously amazing.  The girls got ready and we left for home so we could then leave for Girl Scouts.


Home to find evidence Eldest Female Spawn was making up bowls of cereal with glasses of milk for her little sisters.  She had set the table and was preparing to feed them when Amy arrived.  And she put on a movie the two littles liked a lot.  She so pulled it together.  Another amazing kid.  I’m so proud of her.


Burton Puppy will be fine.  He’s sporting the Cone of Shame and as Dr. Evil calls it his ‘wife beater’ t-shirt.  We’re hoping to prevent him from scratching at his 26 staples on the outside and internal stitches.  Poor dude.  There is a long cut.  The vet warned me over the phone the injury was larger than I thought because when I brought him in it was all bunched up.










The vet said it appeared he either was bit and pulled away or got caught up on something and pulled.  I really hope he got caught on something.  There is a dog that wanders our neighborhood a lot.  Animal Control is on a first name basis with him.  He can be sweet but he tried to nip at Eldest Female Spawn last summer.  Most likely he tried to go under our deck – he’s quite a bit larger than he used to be…was 6 lbs when we got him – now he’s a whopping 32…and got caught up on something.

As for Burton Puppy…this is what he thinks of his new ‘get-up.’

I will get you when you sleep.  Just wait.

I will get you when you sleep. Just wait.



Now to ensure I don’t send the Green Eyed Burton after you, you should click on the juggling lady on the upper left.  Doing so casts a vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs where I’ve again fallen drastically!  Help a girl out!

And check out my Facebook page….Evil Joy Speaks.  There’s some fun coming soon!

I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane….

So weird is my life….I love it.

The first time I ran a race of any distance (for me) – 9 miles – it was 2 years ago May.  In California.

It.Was.Amazing.  Bur Sur 9 Miler….amazing.  Beautiful.  Breathtaking.  My first ever girls’ trip.



Last May – life was still returning to ‘normal’ – no comments on our normal please – we’re all aware how abnormal our normal is…..

So…on with it.

Yesterday… I’m chatting with Snarkfest on Facebook.  She mentioned the Marine Corps Historic Half Marathon is Fredericksburg, West Virginia.  She invited me to come out.  On a whim.

With in 10 minutes – 10 minutes people10 minutes – I talked to Dr. Evil….found a frequent flyer flight, registered for the race, and confirmed the travel.

So I’m leaving on a jet plane to DC airport in May.  For another run of a little distance …. 13.1 miles!!  I’m so excited.

(Good timing in preparation for Grandma’s 26.2 mile run in June.)

See when Snarkfest and I started chatting a while back we found we have a number of similarities.  Our first half marathon times where within a minute or two of each other’s…..both had dental issues in our pasts…..(of all things…)  And we both immediately said that we should plan to run a race together some day.

And…wah-lah!  It’s happening people!


And I’ve declared May of every other year to be my destination race trip.  And I’m hoping Snarkfest will be my destination race partner!

EJ out – to run – have to get in shape for this thing!!!  Actually to run Eldest Spawn to a sporting goods store – his feet are larger than his baseball cleats from last year and he desperately “Needs” batting gloves.

Oh and Snarkfest and a bunch of my other favorite bloggers have a book out – you should buy it – all the cool kids have it.  You know you want it.  It’s pretty neat!

Here’s a link so you can buy the book, “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”


And since you’re in a click happy kinda mood – click on the flashing banner below to cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!!!!



Meeting of the Bloggers……

Evil Joy here with a post on changes, meanings, and meetings!

So when Dr. Evil was sick I was into bargaining.  Now I understand that bargaining with God is very wrong.  But at that point I didn’t care.  I would have walked across hot coals in order to make him better.  And knowing how much he likes long hair my thought process went something like, “God, if you don’t kill him off, I’ll grow my hair out.”

So…the last 15 months have been hair grow out time.  In these last 15 months…he’s gotten better, had a cold, turned back to normal.  And I’ve decided superstition and craziness can leave the Evil Joy Mind.  And that I HATE my long hair.  It irritates the snot out of me.  It takes too long to dry.  It gets in my mouth when I brush my teeth.  It gets in my eyes when I’m snowboarding down a new hill…causing me to wipe out.  Yeah – it was the hair – yeah yeah…that’s what it was.

Now … in the past when I’ve whacked my hair, it’s been impulsive.  It’s a 10 second decision followed by an immediate drive to the nearest place with an opening.



This time…I waited a week.  A week for me is like a year for most people.  I waited for my favorite hair lady Tracy to cut it.  She is the best!!!  Love love love her!  She knows what I want when I don’t even always know!  She’s great!


Tracy at Tangled

Tracy at Tangled

And….bye bye 8 inches of hair.  See ya later.  The hair has left the building.  It’s walked the plank.  It’s been kicked to the curb.  Bah-bye.


8 inches of hair….see ya!

As I was leaving my favorite Tracy…..I saw my favorite blogger I know IRL!  Skinny Jeans & Yoga Pants!  There to see the very same Tracy!!!  Great minds people…..we not only think alike….we rock.  Skinny Jeans is a crazy amazing styling lady.  I want to have funds and time to hang with her and shop at Hot Mama.  Some day…  Nonetheless…just seeing her brightens my day!  Here’s a link to her new hair!

Evil Joy and Skinny Jeans!

Evil Joy and Skinny Jeans!

As I was leaving I kept getting emails from Dr. Evil telling me he’d sent me a sprint message with a photo.  The photo didn’t load.  The romantic in me was hoping it was a photo of some awesome Valentines gift.  The logical person in me was unsure what it was because we’d agreed no gifts or cards.

Dr. Evil was trying to send me the photo he saw on Photo Stream of my hair cut.  Damn Evil Photo Stream.  I was hoping to surprise him.  Earlier in the week I mentioned I was thinking of getting my hair cut.  His response….”Not sure I’d notice.”  Not sure he understood I wasn’t talking about a little trim…..I was hoping to see the look on his face at first sight!


The picture Dr. Evil was trying to send me...of me.

The picture Dr. Evil was trying to send me…of me.


EJ out – to style my new hair.  And get my spawn out the door for school.  And to find a better picture to show y’all of my new hair do!




Get Up and Go – Get Back Here!

Evil Joy here with a post on motivation.  And needing it to return to me.  At all costs.  At any cost.

SO…..it’s 2013.  We rang in the New Year with friends and family.  It was great.  Except it wasn’t.  That’s another story waiting to be told.

Now…the spawn are back to school.  Except the one that was sick.  But wasn’t.  Just over tired.

So now….finally we are having a ‘normal’ day.  Except I’m not.  Not sure why.  Just not.


Motivation – listen up.  I need you.  I need you bad.  I want you.  I want you bad.  (and yes, I’m aware my grammar sucks….)

Motivation – get your arse over here and make it plant in my brain.  I need to find you and keep you and hug you and hold you tight.


EJ out – to find coffee – which will hopefully contain a smidgen of motivation.


Hopefully this motivated you to vote for me at TMB.  Click on the juggling lady in the upper right.  That’s all it takes.  Thanks!



(graphic source : http://www.behance.net/Pictomotom/frame/779271  Thom Lambert)

4 Kids – 4 Him – 4 Them

Today is a good day.  I’m running in the Brian Lautenbach Celebrate Life 5k Run Walk.

Colleen is amazing.  Her husband Brian had a stroke and passed away nearly 2 years ago.   They have 4 children who are the most unbelievably awesome children.


When Brian died, I was stuck in Iowa in a snowstorm.  I had taken my kids down for a visit and we didn’t want to try to make it home because the weather was so severe.  In fact parts of the interstate we needed to get back were closed due to high winds and drifts…and of course ice.  I just remember constantly checking Facebook and Caring Bridge to see what was happening.

I reached out to Colleen.  We’d always been friends, but I just felt drawn to her.  She is the most amazing woman.  Seriously.  I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like to talk to her.  You leave feeling full of life, hope, and love.  Some people can drain you or bring you down.  Not her – she is this vessel of endless positive energy – and she wants and does share it with those she encounters.  Amazing.

Then Brent got sick.  She was one of the first ones to call me and offer to come sit with me at the hospital.  I was afraid to rip open any wounds that had even started to heal by asking her to come to the hospital.  Plus I didn’t know what was going to happen.  I just didn’t know.  The first week – we just didn’t know if Brent was going to make it.

But he did.

And she remained my friend.  I stupidly worried she wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore.  That it would be too hard for her.  When in fact she comforted me time and time again.  I should have been the one there for her, but in usual Colleen amazing style, she took care of me when we were together.

Now I am beyond thankful to know her.  I can talk to her about what it was like when Brent was sick and she gets it.  I do my best to listen and be there for her.  We have a similar bond for part of our stories – one no one wants to have – but one has to treasure.

And she is smiling.  She is amazing and smiles and sends out positive energy to the universe.  She rocks.  Big time.

Did you get that I think she’s amazing?

Anyway – today is a wonderful day to celebrate life.  To embrace life.  To run and remember Brian and how much he loved life.

And to see Colleen and her children flourish and grow into the beautiful people they already are…..

4 Kids – 4 Him – 4 Them

Marleigh all decked out in her t-shirt!!

Catch For A Cure…

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to return to a slow pitch tournament I played in last year – was a little worried because as I’ve mentioned before…I sort of suck at ball.  (But to toot my own horn – I did waaaayyyy better this year than last!!!)

Catch For A Cure in Baraboo, Wisconsin.


Dr. Evil, being the Wonderful Evil Genius he is, towed the RV, we packed in the Spawn and had an amazing time.  Lots of fun ball – fun batting – fun drinking – fun jello shots (thinking that doesn’t fall under drinking since you have to sort of eat them…at least slurp them up).  But it rocked because….

the money raised supports women in the fight for the lives from breast cancer.  Supports the survivors.  Supports the research for a cure.

And supports all other cancers as well – I can’t even list all the types of cancer shown there  – childhood – leukemia – the list was incredible.

Women shared their stories.  Their lives with us.

Now…most all of these women and men grew up in the area together.  Some have moved away, others stayed.  Being allowed to be part of this was the coolest thing.  I’m a stranger to these women yet they welcomed me back with open arms.  Amazing.  I have never felt so included in a group in my life.

And a bonus – it was Amy’s friends and we talked Deb into coming….  And I have a feeling we’ll all be back next Labor Day to once again Catch For a Cure.

And besides – where else can you wear shirts saying things like :

  • For Tits and Giggles
  • Big or Small, Save them ALL
  • Boo-Bees
  • Wanna Squeeze My Rack?
  • A Smoosh a Day Keeps the Doctor at Bay

….and not get smacked by everyone who sees you!  It was awesome!  Next year will we take part in all activities as I’m envisioning a spawn-free, adults only, hotel staying weekend.  (Just putting it out there Dr. Evil – something to consider……start racking up those hotel points…..)

EJ out – to write another post – it is the first day of school after all.

I haven’t bothered you for a few days – so you can help me out here by voting for me at Top Mommy Blogs by clicking on the icon on the right.  Vote early, Vote often.  Hugs!

On the Road Again…

Just can’t wait to get on the road again!!

Okay – I admit it – I LOVE the RV.  I was so vehemently opposed to buying it that those words now leaving my fingertips must be blasphemy.  But nope…I’m loving the family time it gives us.  Admittedly I’m saying this before leaving – and being in the car with four or more Spawn – for hours.

But it’s time away together.  I can’t come in and blog.  I can’t come in and do laundry.  There’s no TV.  I can’t go garden and get lost in the weeds for hours.

Just family time.  I’ve missed family time this last year.  So focused on so many things.  At first it was Dr. Evil.  Then Dr. Evil and the Spawn.  Then Dr. Evil, the Spawn, and a broken wrist.  Then Dr. Evil, the Spawn, healed wrist, and baseball, softball, and machine pitch.  And Concessions.  You get the idea…

I was so busy I didn’t enjoy some things as much as I should have.  And by staying busy I couldn’t fall into the anxiety or depression or worry or whatever you want to call it that has haunted me since Dr. Evil earned his PhD.  And man, I have beeeeennnnn busy!  Except when I’m not ……

Today…I’m looking forward to focusing on the house for a few hours knowing I have three full days with my family.  And friends.

Can’t wait to leave!!!!!

Have a safe, fabulous Labor Day weekend.  Remember why we celebrate – a day off to men and women who work – celebrated in the US and Canada since 1894 (source: TLC Family).

Dr. Evil, Evil Joy, Eldest Spawn, Eldest Female Spawn, Second Eldest Female Spawn, and Little Spawn

EJ out – to wash my stinky running clothes (and myself) since I want to bring them with me!

If you don’t want a visit from my stinky running clothes, you should vote for me by clicking on the Top Mommy Blogs icon.  Do it – you know you want to!  Thanks!

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