Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: funny (page 1 of 10)

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee!

Mom. Mother. Mama. Ma. MOM! Mommy.

Moms. Somehow we have become mothers like our mothers before us. I understand the mechanics of how and deeply appreciate the why. But there isn’t an instruction manual.

If you buy a crib at IKEA it comes home with instructions in several languages. And the instruction set you mostly likely use is simply illustrated. But this new little PERSON – there’s no set instructional manual to follow. There are no S.O.P. – no step by step instructions. Just a few books and pamphlets from the hospital or doctor’s office.

My mom was there when my son was born – let me tell you it was a long process. She found a ride back to the hospital at midnight when they finally (after 72 hours of induction gone nowhere) to be there for Eldest’s arrival into this world via c-section. She was there for each baby after that too. And for countless other things. She has taught me to be a better person not only with her words but in her actions.

My mom has been such an integral part of my life I wanted to share it with you.

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee: The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We’ve Learned from Our Mothers put together by the amazing Crystal Ponti and the Blue Lobster Book Co. is out there waiting for you.

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Crystal gathered together talented writers and we all shared lessons and stories from our moms. I am more than honored to be included. Lessons include but are not limited to “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow,” “Wear clean underwear,” and “This too shall pass.”

Mother’s Day is around the corner and what better gift to present to my mom than a book.  And guess what – your mom will love it too!  Click on the link below or check out my home page to order.  Order it today and you’ll have it for Mother’s Day this weekend!!!

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee is available NOW. You can find the book on Amazon for Kindle or print and also B&N.com. Available soon on the Apple store. Spread the word about this perfect present for Mother’s Day…and every day.

And once again friends – thanks for sticking around. I’ve had several technical difficulties with my computer and this post was go out last week. My apologies to Crystal on the delay. Regular posting schedule to return!!!

EJ out – to work on fixing the rest of the issues with this lovely computer. (Maybe if I talk sweet to her she’ll work for me???)

Get it today!  Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee: The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We’ve Learned from Our Mothers.

Loom Bands….What Are They Good For?

There is a problem plaguing the United States. It is a serious issue with long lasting consequences.

Yes, I’m talking about loom bands. Or to the non-parent – little, colorful rubber bands. Millions…no BILLIONS of them. Everywhere. All over the floor of the house, car, garage, front steps, and in children’s bedrooms. This band contamination knows no boundaries. Nothing seems to curb the spread. Birthday parties and holidays only aid in their proliferation. Children are the main subscriber to the loom craze, yet parental figures with the cash are the ones enabling the purchase of these evil little round pieces of rubber.

Loom bands. What ARE they good for?

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Loom bands promote creativity. Children and adults alike are able to create works of art in the form of rubber band “jewelry” to give and share among all, and I mean ALL, of their loved ones. They are NOT intended for use in human hair, Barbie or other doll hair or for closing small bags. To use bands in such a manner creates a visceral response in those under 18 akin to a nuclear explosion.

As parents everywhere lament over wearing their child’s latest “bandwork” to the elegant affair they must attend, I am looking deeper. What happens to those band bracelets and necklaces? Where are they going? The bands rarely make an appearance in formal photographs and the jewelry cases I’ve personally observed contain only trivial items such as family heirlooms over 100 years old. Please note heirlooms are not to be confused with loom band works of art.

Is there a lost island of loom work residing somewhere hidden deep in the woods?

There’s absolutely no way any parent ever throws away or “un-looms” the brilliant pieces created by their beloved child. None of these bands will every show up in a land fill. I even checked my own garbage bin and can verify not a single rubber band is inside. (That’s because I put them in the recycle bin.)

I personally believe they are seeking their mothership. The Largest Ball of Rubber Bands. It currently resides in Florida and was created by Guinness Record holder Joel Waul♦. It weights just shy of 10,000 pounds. I believe all bands seek their leader and all freed bands are migrating towards Florida.

If you are holding any loom bands hostage, utilize them. Give them a purpose.  That way they will know they ARE good for something. If not….well…set them free. Allow them to seek their mothership in Florida. Maybe the new recruits can get that big ball of rubber over 10,000 pounds.

EJ out – to clean the brushes of my vacuum which are littered with loom band pieces…..

♦Source : http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/world-records/largest-rubber-band-ball/

A Text Post : Brought to you by PMS

Last week I sent a request to Dr. Evil.

“PMS wants ice cream.  I have stated this so that you know it is PMS requesting ice cream and not me.  For future reference you may never EVER ask me if PMS wants anything.  I – meaning PMSing me – will let you know.  Would you please add it to the grocery list?”

I decided I was pretty freaking funny.  I was telling my friend from life and now closer friend because we work at the ski hill Gina about the above witty, brilliant message.  She asked me if I remember Kojak?  I don’t recall watching but remember the stories of a killer dog and being wary of dogs if I walked alone at night when I was a kid.

We started a text conversation as only two women can.  We were rolling with our respective laughter to the annoyance of those in our RL (real life) company.  It went something like this:

G : I grew up on one hour crime shows.  Maybe that explains why I want to kill everyone?

Me : Matlock, Trapper John MD, Mash

Me : Three’s Company, Oh..my favorite Hunter and Hunter

Me : All the Steven Segal movies

(I swear she was participating and I wasn’t simply badgering…there were some other things we were texting about…like my farting dog..that I’m leaving out.)

Me : Hogan’s Heroes.  Lawrence Welk.  I’ve seen all of those episodes.  God.  Help.  Me.

G : LMAO!  Quincy, Hart to Hart, Rockford Files.  #$#(& I can’t keep up because I’m laughing so hard.

Me : I was permanently scarred by watching the Sharon Stone movie with the ice pick with (removed for my protection).  Oh!  And ‘this is my brother Daryl and my other brother Daryl.”

G : I <3 Lawrence Welk

Me : Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Dallas.  We could make a board game out of this!

Me : Punky Brewster.  Saved by the Bell. More Mash Oh!!!  Flo.  The Kiss My Grits one!

G : Stop I’m going to pee my pants!

Me : I’m sure Trapper John MD can fix the bladder issues!

G : Hubs said we should start a stand up routine!

Me : Remember the Friday night movie.  Murder by the Camp Fire.  Sorority Sisters Gone Wrong.  Nowadays those sound like porn!!

G : I was a fan of the ABC after school specials.

Me : The more you know. Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle.

G : Maybe the ski hill would hire us!

Me : I’m so writing a blog post about this….

G : ….I’m laughing and ignoring my family.  Until Next time EJ!  Me love you long time.

Me : Hey G! Yes Joy?  Remember that one when Willis captured water outside for Kimberly to wash her hair and her hair turned green from the copper bowl?  Yes?  We just have green on the hills here at our ski hill!

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Yeah….she’s a keeper.  Life is funny.  Just have to find the funny.  Some days it’s harder than others…but this day…the funny found me and is making me smile again today!

Any funny texts in your world?  I’d love to hear about them!

EJ out – to tackle something since I locked my keys in my truck.  While it was parked in my driveway.  Trapped at home.  With all the laundry!

A Simple Hairbinder

A simple hairbinder put me over the edge this morning.  A hair binder.  That’s all.  Just a hair tie. Not being able to find a hair binder made me so upset I started bawling.

Because … puke.

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Since Wednesday of last week – just six little days ago – I’ve cleaned the toilets in this house 2000 times.  I’ve wiped puke from the walls, the floors, the sides of beds, and cabinets.  I’ve spend hours on my knees scrubbing carpet.  I’ve washed every bedding item we own on the sanitize cycle – twice.  Every cup, plate or bowl touched has immediately been washed in the dishwasher on sanitize cycle with the sani rise cycle added.  I have vacuumed, sprayed with disinfectant and revacuumed every piece of fabric covered furniture we own.  Every light switch, television remote, device, smooth surface, rough surface, anything with any surface has been washed and rewashed.

No one can kiss anyone good night.  Well, air kisses are allowed from across the room.  New toothbrushes all around.  Twice.  And seriously, do NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT eating off of each other’s plates or I WILL GO BATSHIT CRAZY ON YOU!  It’s been a long week.

Wednesday (last week) started with one who loves and lives for drama telling me her tummy hurt.  I didn’t believe her because…well…I’m not the nicest of moms.  I’m me.  The “suck it up, you’re fine, go back to bed” mom.  Yeah…she showed me.  And while I’m thankful she made it to the bathroom, I do still wish she’d opened the toilet lid prior to losing her guts all over the bathroom.  And I mean All.  Over.  The.  Bathroom.

The next day I convinced myself it was food poisoning.  Because that’s a better reality than thinking about 5 more people in this family getting sick.  We stayed home together and it was nice to hang out.  I cleaned everything in the house just in case.

Friday dawned bright and early and I got up thinking, “Sweet – we are in the clear.”

Friday night happened.  I got sick.  And I was so sick.   Literally 3 minutes later another daughter was puking.  She promptly made a bed on our floor – standard operating procedure here for a sick kid – and went to sleep for 8 minutes.  When she woke up and puked again.  And again.  And again.  All night long.  Dr. Evil has a gift.  He can sleep through anything.  Or he’s a phenomenal actor.  Finally around 4 am I lost my temper and said “I need you to take care of her because I’m sick too!”  Saturday he ran the chaos that is our life.  She slowly got better and I got a little sleep.

Sunday dawned.  With a 50% attack rate my hopes for the rest of my family didn’t run high.  Dr. Evil, patient zero and Eldest snowboarded all day.  I hung here with the Littles.  I cleaned this house for five hours.  I scrubbed everything.  I got out the essential oils. I got out the Melaluca products.  I got out the bleach.  I was covering all my bases.

They got home and Sunday night happened.

Again, within 5 minutes of each other Littlest and Eldest were in my room, puking all over my bathroom.  Did I mention Eldest is a man sized boy?  (And seriously, I love they want to come to me.  But can they puke IN A TOILET!?!?!?!?  NOT NEXT TO IT, ON IT, ALL OVER IT……..INSIDE THE BOWL PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?!)

Sunday night there was no sleep to be had.  I moved us still sick people (did I mention at this point I still feel gross?) to the living room because Dr. Evil isn’t feeling well.  By Monday morning Eldest was so sick.  I started to worry in my way.  He didn’t listen to me and drank a large glass of water- poor kid was thirsty….and you guessed it….puked all over another bathroom.  He listened from then on.   Dr. Evil came home early from work to help me.  I hadn’t actually slept since Wednesday for more than 2 hours straight.  I went straight upstairs and crashed.  He woke me up at 6:30 pm and went to bed.  He was sick.  Not puking sick, but not feeling well.  I kept everyone who was still sick in the living room once again.

Yesterday dawned.  Finally.  We made it 3 hours with no one throwing up.  I started to feel positive.  I left the house long enough to drive those going to school to the bus stop and to rent a steam cleaner for the carpet.  (No one is ever eating blueberries, taco meat or black beans again EVER AGAIN in my house!)  I started all the sanitize washing yet again and got beds remade, pillows washed, dishes washed and put away.  All the blankets anyone touched, looked at, or thought about touching washed in extra hot water, rinsed three times and … repeat.  Dried on the highest heat setting in the dryer.

Then Dr. Evil texted me and said he’d be coming home after an early meeting.  To sleep.  Because he didn’t feel well.

Oh holy hell.

School got out and patient zero – aka Eldest Female Spawn – came home looking like she’d been hit by a truck.  Off to quick clinic.  Thank God the quick strep test was negative, she just has a nasty cold.  She’s home from school today.   But everyone else is at school or work.

Tomorrow I’m hopeful our house will be quiet during the day.  I have a lot to catch up on outside the house and honestly, I’m sick of cleaning my house.  I feel for those trapped in snow covered houses but I would trade the snow for puke any day.  I’m hopeful tonight everyone will sleep in their own beds, with no bowls beside their beds, or towels on the floor.  I’m hopeful for a normal night of dinner – bland though it may be – followed by a normal night time routine.  We won’t be going to Mass today.  I’m not going to risk it.

I’m hopeful I can sleep for a solid 6 hours without waking to someone saying, “Mom, my tummy hurts.”

I’m hopeful …. for an end to the puke.  And the start of healthy family.

EJ out – to wash my hands.  And buy more hair binders.

Side note…or bottom note.  I’ve been sort of absent here lately.  It’s been a trying winter.  Thanks for sticking around and I promise to do my best to bring some more funny on a regular basis.  I miss hearing from all of you!

Remembering My Youth

Here’s a question for you.  If you could be any age again for a week what age would you choose?

And you have to go back.  Thinking about the future is for another post.

So many choices!

Do I go back to when I was 4 and all of my siblings still lived at home and we a dog named Penny?  I don’t remember a lot of that time period except we had a lot of people in the house (my siblings and parents) and I got to go to work with my mom and roller skate in the hallways while she worked.

Do I go back to kindergarten on the very first day? I met my best friend that day.  She still is my best friend.

How about in 3rd grade when I got to fly to see my other best friend after she moved away?  My mom had her first flight as I had my first flight.  That was quite the week!

What about 5th grade when I stood up for myself for the very first time?  I clearly remember telling someone “I’m not fat, you’re being mean!”  From that day on, I felt empowered!

How about the middle school dance where my boyfriend took the whole “Sadie Hawkins” thing to a new level and when I arrived to pick him up (with my sister driving us) he had on more makeup that I did!  And a dress.  And earrings.  And heels.  And PANTYHOSE!

What about high school?  So much emotion and drama.  So many new experiences.  And I met Dr. Evil at band camp.  Yes…this one time…at Band Camp….I met my future husband.  I’m like American Pie and Megan Trainor all rolled into one.

What about the week when at 18 I moved to college in Rolla, Missouri?  Band camp, instant family, applied mathematics.

How about when we got married?  Still in college just 20 years old.  All the drama and excitement of that week.  Dr. Evil’s roommate wrecked his car the week before our wedding so we had even more excitement.  All the dresses, the tuxedos (they were lost for a day – all of them!), the family and friends.  The photos, the cake, our vows.

How about the day we moved from Rolla, Missouri to St. Paul, Minnesota?  Our first anniversary!  December 28, 1997.  It was FREAKING COLD!  But we got to stay in a nice hotel and eat at some fancy-schmancy restaurants courtesy of his new company.  Pretty cool digs for a 21 year old!

What about the day I started my new job?  I graduated in December and started my first real job in January.  After being up here for a year.  It was very intense.  But pretty cool.

But wait!  What about when we moved into the house we had built four months later?  That was super exciting!  All of my marching band friends helped up move!  The computer chair ride down the hill that ended in a crash.  Sleeping in the living room because they installed the wrong carpet in our bedroom.  Trying to light the pilot light on a gas stove with a match because we didn’t know how to use gas appliances.

Oh…but oh.  The excitement and pure joy followed by extreme terror of finding out I was pregnant.  I was just 23.  Married for 3 years, with a job, in a new house, and now…expecting a baby.  And oh so sick.  I loved every minute of it.

But the week I found I was pregnant with my second was pretty amazing too.  I’d experience that week all over again!

What about when we decided to take a leap of faith and move to Wisconsin, just across the boarder.  That was an exciting week – we found this house – our home.  The first day.  We found it and we looked no further.  We moved in and have made it ours.  The move was pretty exciting!  But honestly I don’t know if I’m up for that week.  We lost a baby that week.  I was newly pregnant and had a miscarriage.  I think I’ll skip that week.

How about when Eldest started kindergarten?  That was an amazing week.  We had a newborn in the house, a big 5 year and a little crazy 2 year old!  And amazing friends.  So much to do and see and I was really finding my feet here in Hudson.  That would be fun…..

But wait!!   2007 was pretty cool!  We had another baby, lots of family near by and lots of family from far able to visit a lot.  There are several weeks of that year I’d relive in a heartbeat.

I’ll kindly skip a few of the months in 2011 and 2012.

How about when I started blogging and met Snarkfest?  That was flipping cool.  And still is.  Or the week I got to fly out and meet her?  Or when my favorite stalker (met through Snarkfest) flew out here to hang with me?

But from what I’m writing here, I’m realizing I want to live today and enjoy the memories of all the past weeks in my life.  Why re-experience only one week from my past when I can cherish the memories of each and continue to make the most of today?

What about you?  Is there that one moment in time you’d love to relive?  Tell me!!

A HUGE shout out to Silence of the Mom for giving me this awesome prompt!  I am so glad to walk down memory lane recalling things I hadn’t thought of in years.

This has been a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.  My subject was “If you could be any age again for a week, which would you choose?”

Secret Subject Swap

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://themomisodes.com                                       The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://dinoheromommy.com/                            Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                        Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/             The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com               Evil Joy Speaks

http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com                    Juicebox Confession

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                       Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.silenceofthemom.blogspot.com           Silence of the Mom

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/                         Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com                         Climaxed

Hatchbacks Can Hide Things….

You all know I’m a little off, right?

Last Christmas Dr. Evil Santa bought all these little furbies into the house.  A Big one and THREE smalls ones.  They work together and with the iPad so of course it was going to be all fun and games.  Until they interrupt you at inopportune times (you can read about that here…..), go off in the middle of the night, react to the dog, or scare the snot out of you when you open a kitchen cabinet at 6am.

After weeks, hell, MONTHS of randomly finding a furby in my kitchen cabinets, I decided it was time.  Time for payback.

Payback for all the mornings of me getting up to make lunches for spawn while Dr. Evil got ready in peace.  Not that I wasn’t having a great time because I sort of do enjoy mornings with all four spawn home and puttering about the table trying to find breakfast and things for lunch and snack, for second lunch and third snack.  My spawn are actually hobbits.

The thing is I live in constant FEAR of where that little f(*)cker is going to be each morning.  It sometimes is in the lunchbox cabinet.  Sometimes in the girls bathroom towel cabinet.  Other times it’s stuck in the seasonings drawer.

But most times…it’s in the tupperware cabinet up high.  Where I can’t reach it without a step stool.  And it’s light sensitive so the little bastard goes off when I sleepily open the cabinet.  If any of you have met me in real life you know my reaction to being scared.  It’s enough to give those watching me a heart attack … or a good laugh.  I’m probably one of the jumpiest people alive.

Saturday morning after Dr. Evil kicked Evil Furby – the one that says “AAAhhhhhh ooooooolllll” and sounds like he’s swearing – laying in the upstairs hallway…. GENIUS struck.

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I called Littlest into my room.  Dr. Evil was down in the kitchen baking up an amazingly tasty storm.  I was folding laundry and sorting socks.

It.  Was.  Time.

“HEY Little!”  come here I whispered.  She ran in.  She could sense something good was going down.

“Go set this in the front seat of Daddy’s car.”  She runs out.  “WAIT!!!” I holler.

“Put it in the back.”  She runs off giggling.

AND DOES IT.

She skips back inside.  “Did you get it all the way in the back?  Like in the hatchback-back?”

“No.” HUGE grin breaking out on her face and she realizes my intent.

“Go put it all the way in the back!” I instruct my Evil Little Minion.

She happily trots off.

Saturday turns to Sunday.  Sunday turns to Monday.  I kind of forgot about our little AWESOME prank.  Dr. Evil did some errands on Sunday but he took the truck so his car remained motionless and quiet.

Then Monday dawns and Dr. Evil leaves for work.

I sit down to write something witty here and I can’t log in.  He’s updated the Mac and I don’t know what he’s done to my computer and I’m a little frustrated.  I call three times.

No answer.

I text.  Three times.

Nothing.

Then my mind starts up.  I’m a little nuts and very guilty by nature.  I create this scenario in my mind where the furby went off, he got in an accident due to distracted driving, causing a massive pile up on I-94 and it will be all my fault.

I text my friend and tell her my crazy thoughts.  She comforts me and says, “Get a grip.”

Finally he calls me.

“I’m almost to work and I stop and I hear this thing talking.  I look around and think what the hell?” he tells me.

I giggle.

 

And the true win???  He had to drive home with the Evil Furby going off in the back.

I got the following text….

“Furby is going out the window in 5-4-3-2-1.”

 

Maybe now Dr. Evil will quit putting furby places to startle me.   Most likely…he’ll keep doing it and I’ll need to hatch a new plan.  Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated!

EJ out – to brush some tangles out of spawn hair.  God.  Help.  Me.

 

 

 

 

Fartapocalypse

I have a thing.  This thing is important to me.  And apparently, only me.

Do. Not. Fart. Around. Me.

And more importantly…

Do. Not. Fart. At. The. Dinner. Table.

I’d prefer you didn’t belch, burp, toot, or shart there either.  Particularly the last one.

I was raised that farting, well, tooting, is done while you are sitting on the toilet.  Not while walking around.  Not on purpose.  Not in the presence of another person unless you completely can’t help it (and then you move quickly and look disapprovingly towards the person nearest the smell you created).

One does not fart on purpose at the table.  Any table.  One does not fart while sitting on a couch, chair, or in the car.  And if one, say an Evil Joy, has gut issues, you just don’t …. because a fart…could be so much more than just a fart.  So no.  Just no.

After a wonderful day free of farting and full of cooking by Dr. Evil and Eldest Female Spawn we gathered around the dinner table.

Home made pizza and then…the pièce de résistance…..homemade lemon sherbet and lemon blueberry cake with a cream frosting.  (I married smart people…..a man who loves to cook…AND…is good at it.)

Dinner was over and we were sitting around the table.  Finally, an evening at home together.  No one needed to be rushed to a meeting, practice, game, tournament, or lesson.  Just quiet…..and then…..

“BERLT!”  A sound emitted from Eldest’s bum.

I said, “Really???  We almost made it through dinner without anyone farting!  And you?  You never fart at the table.”

Followed by .. “BBEERRRLT!”

“Seriously Dr. Evil….”

and “BerrLT!” from Eldest Female Spawn.

“When you all shite your pants, I’m not washing them!”  Eldest quips in, “I do my own laundry anyways Mom!”

I stood up and said, “I’m done with you people.” And walked away.

And went to bed.

Today I did laundry.  I didn’t look too closely at anything.

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And I have no idea why I decided to represent a fart noise with “Berlt.”  But it worked.  You got the point right?

EJ out – to do yet another load of laundry.

Do me a solid and non-stinky – would you click on the juggling lady up there on the right to cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs?  One click is all it takes.  If you’re on a mobile device, simply scroll down aways and you’ll see that same juggling lady.  Thanks!!!!!

If You Take Evil Joy To A….

If you take an Evil Joy to a baseball game, she will pack her truck.

While packing her car, Dr. Evil will call, interrupt packing and say, “Hey, pick me up at work, we’ll leave a car here and then we can all go together.”

So Evil Joy gets all the spawn loaded up and hops in the truck and off they go.

While driving to get Dr. Evil, Evil Joy will realize she forgot to eat lunch.

So Evil Joy picks up Dr. Evil and off they drop Eldest for warm-ups.  Then they hit the convenience store.

While in the convenience store, Dr. Evil realizes he’s hungry.  So the Evil Spawnily goes to Wal-Mart where Dr. Evil finds a Subway.

Finally the Evil Spawnily arrives back to the ball field.  Where Dr. Evil eats his Subway in the truck.

So Evil Joy unloads the truck.   And realizes she only packed one chair.  For all six spawnily members.

So they all walk over and sit in the bleachers.

While sitting in the bleachers watching Eldest play, Evil Joy updates her Facebook and Instagram accounts with fabulous pictures of Eldest Spawn playing ball and witty comments from the corners of her brain.

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Instead of watching the game.

And when Evil Joy doesn’t watch the game, she gets a line drive foul ball to the forehead.

And when Evil Joy gets a line drive foul ball to the forehead she gets a trip to the ER and and CT scan.

When Evil Joy goes to the ER, she gets a little scared.  When she gets a little scared, Evil Joy talks the ear off of the wonderful woman who took her.

When Evil Joy talks the ear off of the wonderful woman who took her, Evil Joy makes a new friend.

And when Evil Joy makes a new friend, Evil Joy is happy.

Sooooooo…..Evil Joy goes to baseball and is happy.

 

Therefore baseball equals happiness.

 

End of story.

 

So, yeah….I was at a game last week and got smacked in the noggin.  Thanks for all the texts, emails and comments on Facebook – you guys are the best.  I’m good.  No fracture just a concussion hence Blog Silence for so long.  Dr. Evil did make me feel better by letting me know if I had been watching that particular play I most likely wouldn’t have had time to react and it would have hit my nose….so this one time technology saved my face.

And for the record, I do pay attention to the game.

Most of the time.

Except that one time….

 

Here’s the progression…..bawahahahahah!  Now I really REALLY look EVIL!  #dailymugshot

 

 

EJ out – to take Eldest to the last day of his first high school class.  Summer gym.  So he can take honors history or something like that.

 

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Help out a black and blue Evil Joy and click on the juggling lady there in the upper right corner.  If you’re on a mobile device you have to scroll to the bottom to see her.  One click on this page is all it takes.  You’ll be redirected to the Top Mommy Blogs website.  But you’re all done after that one click on THIS page.  So thanks!!!!!

Round the Dinner Table…..Round and Round We Go

Milk is a commodity in my household.  A serious commodity.   On Saturday we had run out of the cow version and the spawn were going through withdrawal by Sunday morning.  Dr. Evil took pity and went to buy milk, eggs and butter.  Because we are so not vegan in my lair.

Sunday night we gathered around the dinner table to enjoy a pleasant meal.  That meal time soon turned hilarious and involved Eldest Spawn blushing to a shade not before seen in nature.

Eldest Female Spawn (EFS) lifts up the milk carton and says, “Wow.  Look at this.  In less than 1 hour we’ve consumed almost a whole gallon of milk.”  I quickly piped in, “Not dad or me!!  It’s all on you guys!  We don’t drink milk.”

To which Dr. Evil says, “I wonder if there’s any correlation to breast feeding and liking milk.”  Again, I quickly spoke up.  “Humans are the only animals that drink milk past infancy and we don’t even drink our own milk.”  BOOM!  I dropped some KNOWLEDGE down on that there table.  Eldest Spawn (ES) said, “Really Mom?  Really?”

And I dug myself in deeper when replying to Dr. Evil’s next comment about boys and breasts and obsessions.  “Ummmm….girls are breast feed and we aren’t obsessed with our breasts or those of our friends.”

If you can’t tell, we speak pretty openly here at the lair.

ES was really starting to laugh.  Then all the Female Spawn started to giggle.  ES stated, “You don’t even know what you’re laughing at.”  To which Second Eldest Female Spawn (SEFS) bust a gut and pointed at her non-existent breasts and said, “You mean these things!?”

I spit my water out across the table.

I said, “You were all breast fed.”  And then to the only boy at the table breast fed by me, “And you….you were the one I had to cut off.  The girls were all done about the same time around a year.  You….15 months.”

And then that shade of embarrassment never before seen in public … was very present.  And he quickly got over being embarrassed.

And all of this was in good natured humor.  No one was singled out.  Or rather no one was left out.  We all giggled and laughed and had fun.

So there.  BOOM!  I gave you some knowledge today.

And here’s a reference I went to find to support the random facts I carry around in my brain.  Since I’m the Cliff Clavin of bloggers.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WellnessNews/story?id=8450036

Screen Shot 2014-04-03 at 8.14.07 AM EJ out – to prepare for the coming snowstorm by waxing my board so we can hit Afton Alps one last time!!!!

 

Help a knowledgeable mama move up the ranks at Top Mommy Blogs.  Click on the juggling lady there on the upper right…or if you’re on a mobile device, scroll down and you’ll see her at the bottom!

 

Baby It's Cold Outside….

Yeah Yeah Yeah – I know it’s cold outside.  It’s freaking freezing outside.  Literally.  Like -22 degrees Fahrenheit this morning.  (Yeah – it went up by 4 degrees by the time I took a screen shot.)

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I am aware of where I live.  I know we choose to live in the northern parts of the midwest.  However, regardless of where you live, even Antarctica, -22 degrees Fahrenheit is cold.  Damn cold.  And that’s the air temperature.  Don’t get me started on wind chills.  And how they’ve changed the way they measure wind chills in comparison to the olden days.  As in today’s -44 degree Fahrenheit wind chill is equivalent to -66 degree F back 10 years ago (or something like that).

At least if we have a good old fashion snow day where no one can get anywhere, we can simply bundle up our spawn, open the door, dig a trench, and kick them out.  When the spawn were younger I would bundle them up, get them playing and set a timer.  I’d lock the deck door so they couldn’t come in until said timer went off.  (Come on now, it was only about 20 minutes and they were dressed to survive the next ice age!)  And now that they’re older I’ll even take on treacherous roads to snowboard if there’s nice, new, fluffy snow. for me to fall on.

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But this cold.  This cold that keeps me from snowboarding and sending my spawn OUTSIDE to run off their boundless ENERGY?!  I mean really Mother Nature?  What’d we ever do to you?

I will be required to punch the first person to complain about the heat this summer if they are under the age of 60.  I say under the age of 60  because I’m not on the hook to follow through and punch one of my mom’s friends or something like that.  (And no.  I am Evil Joy but I would NEVER punch someone!?!  Well…probably not).

So even though I’ve complained about the cold, I guess we should all embrace this day.  Because, well, why not?!  Being mad about it isn’t going to change it.  I’m spending the day with friends and their children running around either my lair or theirs or both.  We’ll bake something, make a craft, do laundry, and drink coffee.  This is NOT the normal life of a stay at home mom – but when it’s too cold to do the normal running around with spawn in tow – why not make memories, right?!?!

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Carpe SNOW and ICE.

EJ out – to shower and dry my hair so it doesn’t become freeze-dried scariness.

I’ve seriously fallen off the wall on the Top Mommy Blogs.  Would take a minute to warm my frozen heart and click on the Top Mommy Blogs juggling lady up there on the right?  Thanks!!!!

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