Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: hilarious (page 1 of 2)

Top 10…..

Thursday rolls around every week and I think, “How the hell did that happen?”

Friday is coming.  I should be excited and happy.  However…trying to think of things to do with the kids when the weather is mucky and yucky…..I can think of lots of things.  None of them will be met with the happy sounds of “Yipppeee!  Great idea Mama!”

Cleaning the garage.  Picking up doggy doo-doo from the last few months.  Taking down all the Christmas lights.  Clearing out the dead leaves on the plants that will be growing again.

And on Saturday (I hope)….12 miles.  12 miles of running.

I’ve run this far before…more than once.  More than twice.  But I’m nervous – last weekend’s run sucked.  I literally bawled about the hills.  Which is stupid.  But it didn’t matter at mile 4 with so many more miles to go and soooo many hills left yet to run UP!  The down part of the hill isn’t even happy when you see the next hill heading straight up at the bottom of the current one.

I’m hoping for Saturday instead of Sunday.  I just like getting it out of the way before Sunday.  No real reason…just like having one more day to recover and like getting it out of the way.

And since running is taking over my brain – here’s my top 10 suggestions for running in WI in the spring.

TOP 10 SUGGESTIONS for running in Wisconsin in Spring

1.  Wear leggings.  Except don’t.  Okay – do, but wear shorts underneath so you can strip if the weather changes 15 degrees in the 20 minutes since you started.

2.  Run in loops.  Lots of small loops.  Because if the weather went up 15 degrees in 20 minutes  – it will surely drop 25 degrees in the next 10 minutes.  You’ll need to put those leggings back on.  Until you need to take them off again.

3.  Plug your nose.  Cow poop stinks.  It smells.  Bad.  Really really bad.

4.  Plan on getting the splashed look.  It’s in.  It’s impossible to escape when you run along a highway in the spring in WI.  My favorite splashes are from cars who won’t give you an inch when there’s NO oncoming traffic and they’re shaking their fist or giving you the finger as they drive past.

5.  Dogs.  Lots of dogs.  Most have invisible fence.  Except Millie.  She’s the farm dog.  Who will herd you the entire way on a 6 mile run.  And an 8 mile run.  And a 10 mile run.  Good thing we start and stop at home and she lives across the street/highway.

6.  Keep one headphone in and one out.  This is to hear the watch beep of the 5-1 I run (run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute – the whole way).  This is also so you can yell at Dr. Evil for making you run hills.  And so he’ll notice if you drop dead at the top of the 245th hill we just ran up.

7. Be prepared for dead things on the shoulder of the road.  As the snow melts, the horror is revealed.  It’s like the Walking Dead of animals…except they’re really dead, not walking, and really freaking gross.

8.  Watch out for tractors.  Yes.  Really.  Especially the ones with tillers attached.  You may think you’re running fast.  Until a tiller catches up.  Then you run faster.  Until you get tilled.

9.  Sand.  Sand is wonderful on the beach.  Sand is wonderful in a sand box.  Sand on a road is slippery.  Yes.  Slippery.  Carry band aids.

And finally

10. Smile.  Dr. Evil will take random pictures.  And after last year, hopefully he learned he should take pictures of my front…not this……

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Here’s some random running pictures from the last year….just ’cause.

EJ out – to chase the kids to the bus stop.

Thanks for helping me make the Top 25 Humor Blogs at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’m shooting for the top 10!  Click on the flashing juggling lady up there on the left (on mobile – click view full site and she’s at the bottom).  That’s it.  You’ll be redirected to Top Mommy Blogs.  You can close that window and every other window.  You’re done!  I excuse you from the day!

Have a great one!

It’s cold…and some other stuff…

So today we went out for a run.  Last Sunday we did 6 miles in the wind and it was freaking cold.  And I thought hilly.  Well – it was hilly.  Hard to not be hilly where we live.  It was about 35 degrees and sunny – but the wind had a BITE.

Today…time to make the donuts – I mean run again.  8 miles on the plate.  Sounds good.  We started out going downhill with the wind at our backs rather than running back home UP highway N with church traffic.  Down highway N – to Gilbert Road.  I love the names of the roads around here….Wilcoxson, Kinney, Gilbert, Tower (because there’s a ginormous tower on Tower Road)….  Actually felt really great.  I was pleasantly surprised how good I felt.  And after snowboarding yesterday and cleaning someone’s home for 4 hours!!

Then the dreaded TOWER Road Hill.  The never-ending-continuous – you think you’re up the hill and then your round a corner and – BAM – more freaking hill.  I HATE that part of Tower Road.

We made it up the most EVIL part of Tower Road.  And BAM – wind!

Wow – it got cold fast.  I usually sweat constantly.  Even when I’m cold.  So … running and getting warm for about 6 miles and then hitting wind like that – holy crap – FROZEN arm pits.  And other pits….we’ll leave it at that.  My water even froze!!!!

I needed to drink this.....brrrrr and grrrrrr...

I needed to drink this…..brrrrr and grrrrrr…

I had to get over my Evil Self Defeating Talk coming up the Evil Freaking Hill From Hell.  I got over it.  The hill and the talk.  And get my arse moving faster again because it was so freaking windy.  We made it home.

Where I took a super long, super hot, super steamy shower.  I’ve got on 4 layers on top and I’m still shivering!  Maybe time to drink some hot water.  (And yes, I know that’s weird, but it works and I like it!)

But you know the coolest (haha) think about this run….

  •  The gorgeous trees.
  • The quiet parts of the old county highways where little traffic comes.
  • The opportunities to notice hills and homes you normally fly past at 60 mph.
  • The interesting cracks in the road and the way the frost covers the black top.
  • The way the water freezes in patterns and how the sand on the road affects the patterns.

It. Was. Breathtaking.

And even more…I got thinking about how things will change between now and the end of June when Dr. Evil and I run Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth.  The trees, flowers, and birds (there are several eagle nests around here) and the differences that will be apparent.

Last week on our run I took a picture.  I know at some point again we’ll be in this same spot.  I hope to capture the changing seasons.

March 17th, 2013

March 17th, 2013

 

Here’s to a wonderful week.  I’m going to keep busy.  Dr. Evil is traveling.  I still get very nervous when he travels…but the spawn, their activities, and our life in general will keep me busy.  Especially since Dr. Evil was fixing the noise the dryer made and broke it for several days.  Now…laundry threatens to bury us.  Send me clean and bubbly thoughts!

EJ out – to drink some unfrozen, hot water.

SO….help me get back in the Top 25 at Top Mommy Blogs.  Click on the juggling lady.  Please.  Once a day.  Every day.  You can do it!

 

Also – buy this book!  I Just Want to Pee Alone.  You can get it on Snarkfest’s page (and others too…)

 

 

The Evil is Spreading….

No…not like that – there will never be more human babies begotten of this Evil Joy.

However when Dr. Evil puts the two little female spawn to bed…….

 

the dolls in the window multiply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thhhheeeyyyy’rrrrreeee  watching yyyyoooouuuuuuu.

 

EJ out – to ensure they don’t come to life and actually clean the spawn’s room while I’m away.  Cause if they did that – they could come to life – it’d be okay with me.  Seriously.

Take a minute and share the Evil Joy Love and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon at the upper right.  By doing so you cast a vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs.  I really do appreciate it.  Thanks!

Beware of Sleeping…

Sleep.  I write about sleep a lot – or rather lack there of.

Spawn contine to …

-keep waking you up

-keep you awake because they can’t sleep

-keep you awake because they sleep too well and you worry

-do things to other Spawn sleeping around them.

The photos showcase just how much you must consider whether or not you Need Sleep or Want Sleep.  And what happens when you Do Sleep.

 

Sleepers.  Beware.  You Have Been Warned.

 

EJ out – to practice softball = creating more fodder for posts.

Evil Competitive Joy

Evil Joy here with a post on being competitive……

So….I submitted my blog to Top Mommy Blogs….and I love I am able to share this on that site as well as just out there on WordPress.

However, since I’ve been fortunate enough to be on the site, I’m slightly obsessed with my ‘place’ in their blog listing….and until today…it’s always been going in the right direction….towards #1.  Right where I should be, don’t you think?  I do….Bawahahahahaha.

So…help me out here – all you have to do is click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the right hand side of my page to vote for me.  One click.  That’s it.  Seriously.  And if you’re viewing this on your mobile device, choose to view the whole site and then you’ll see the icon.

EJ out – to put the finishing touches on Eldest Spawn’s room before he gets back home.  I promise to post pictures….hopefully you won’t be permanently blinded by the colors…for one reason or another…..

Evil Thunderheads…and Other Random Thoughts…

Evil Joy here with a post on desire to swim with the Female Spawn and said desire being squashed by potential Evil Thunderstorms.

So…I am trying hard to make the most of this girly week.  With Eldest Spawn at BoyScout camp and Dr. Evil on travel (or at work all day), we females rule the house.  Even the dog is a girl…..

It’s been an interesting week with A here to watch the kids during the day.  I got a lot done but didn’t really hang with the Female Spawn as much as I’d like.  I’m working on the pesky project using my Evil Awesome Painting Skills….  As our dryer is still in pieces, literally, I’ve been trying to use the line.  But it keeps raining.  Free second, third and forth rise for my towels?  That works, right?  So I have a lot of wet clothing around.

And cleaning…for friends….lots and lots.  Figured I’d take advantage of A being here to get that done since Eldest Spawn is gone and can’t watch his Sister Spawn.  Trying to get a lot of it done this week so we can all enjoy the spontaneous trip to Iowa next week.

I guess it’s not too spontaneous if it’s not until next week…..Sunday…..

Anyway – I was thinking after all the stuff going on we’d hit the beach today.  Just us girls.  Dr. Evil has some stuff to do after work (READ CONCESSIONS) so I thought we’d just go hang…splash, build some sand castles…just be together.

WTHeck Evil Thunderheads….come on…seriously?!?!

Maybe tomorrow night…..and since Dr. Evil will be gone again, maybe pizza when we get home….hmmmm…this is starting to sound like a plan……

So…

Evil Thunderheads – produce rain today and leave tomorrow…rain rain go away…wait don’t …rain now and then go away…

Paint – almost done….pictures coming…

Random Thoughts – be done sharing….form into cohesive thoughts.

EJ out – to finish up the Viking stripes in Eldest Spawn’s room…..

Throw me some love – click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right – all you have to click one time…..that’s it……Thanks so much!!!!

Evil Stress…Baseball Style….

Evil Joy here with a post on baseball, gray hair, nail biting, and a quick aside.

Quick aside……I hate ticks.  I just pulled one off my ankle.  Seriously.  It’s 4am, I’m wide awake, and a tick feels the need to snack on me?!  WTHeck!?!?  Well…tick – see ya – I flushed your sorry arse down the toilet and will be making sure the Shadow Dog has her flea and tick treatment today – it’s a few days overdue …but only a few….Geeeessh…..

Okay…onto the Evil Gray Hair, Evil Nail Biting, and Awesome Baseball.

Baseball season … at the beginning of the season there is such excitement.  All the anticipation of what’s to come.  In the middle, cheering and lots of concession stocking.  Towards the end, there is…..

Tournament Week.

Eldest Spawn and Eldest Female Spawn (and Second Eldest Female Spawn….heck….all but Littlest Spawn) play Booster Rec League Ball.  The last week of the season the teams play each other within the league.

Second Eldest Female Spawn’s season ended last week as machine pitch doesn’t have

Tournament Week.

So…Monday – Eldest Female Spawn (kid pitch 1) has her first playoff game.  They won!!  Pulled out a victory in the bottom of the last inning.  Woot!  Woot!  So….their next game is Wednesday.

Tuesday….Eldest Spawn plays his first game.  As he’s older and more experienced in the ways of baseball, the game is a tad faster paced.  They throw so hard….oh my word.  Eldest Spawn pitches pretty well and plays a mean third base.  (Of course, I’m not at all biased…not at all….ummmm…yeah, right!)   And….they won too!!!  Woot Woot!!  So…their next game is…you guessed it…Wednesday.

 

Wednesday dawns…hot and muggy.  Eldest Spawn had football camp all morning, followed by a swim test for BoyScouts, followed by an afternoon ‘relaxing’ (while I moved an upright grand piano around my house…seriously).

Co-hort Amy takes Eldest Spawn.  We come a little later so Female Spawn won’t eat us out of house and lair via the concession stand while waiting for the game to start.

Just after Co-hort Amy picks up Eldest Spawn……Downpour of epic portions.

No lightning though.  Rain subsides and fields are prepped.  We take two cars because the spawn play at separate fields starting an hour apart.

Watching Eldest Spawn….wow…tight first few innings with no score from either team.  Evil Nail Biting commences.  Evil Gray Hairs starting to sprout.  Then … Evil Gray Hairs getting longer.  Nails are gone.  It’s now time for Female Spawn and Dr. Evil to head across town to her game.  Wait.  Email ding on phone…..

Eldest Female Spawn’s game is postponed!!  The fields aren’t draining fast enough…did I mention the downpour was Evil Crazy Fast and had Evil Crazy Big Rain Drops?

Sweet!  We all get to stay and watch Eldest Spawn play AND I get to see Eldest Female Spawn play tomorrow.  Divide and conquer has been divided and conquered.

And…the Redz (self-named team because they have red shirts)….. WON!!!!  Sweet!!!  And on to Saturday when bracket play continues.

Tournament Week

isn’t over yet!!!!!!!

So…ticks – bite me.  Wait – no – don’t do that – just don’t bite me.

Redz – keep on playing like the awesome team you are.

Burgundy Brigade – good luck tonight!!!!  I can’t wait to see you play!

Rain – rain rain, stay away, come back on Sunday.

EJ out – to find more sweet nectar of life Diet Mt. Dew as it’s 5am and I fear sleep has left the lair until tonight for this mama.

Sooooo…since you’re here and all, click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right of this page.  Throw me some Evil Love and vote for me!  Just one click, that’s all you have to do!  Come on – I made you giggle, right?  Atleast got a small smile out of ya, right?  Pay it forward and give me a click.  Thanks!

Evil Magic

Evil Joy here with a post on pure awesomeness. Sweet times with Sweet Spawn.

Today was special. Not sure why, but today…today was cool. Started out normal – with Littlest Spawn in bed with us at 5:30am. Got up – got laundry going – had the Evil Sweet Nectar of Life. Did a little cleaning…had a little lunch…decided time for the….

BEACH!!! Lake Elmo here we come!!!!

Had an Evil Blast with all the Spawn and Evil co-hort Amy and her band of H’s. We swam and dunked and sputtered. We rested on safety breaks, freaked out when they cleared the water for a missing child (found safe and sound), and utilized loads of Evil Sunscreen.

As Second Eldest Female Spawn had a machine pitch game tonight we stayed only two hours. Sent Eldest Spawn to truck to start it and rid it of the Evil Heat.

Loaded up Evil Amounts of Gear and Spawn. Then…….

The Evil Magic occurred.

Driving home on I-94 in rush hour “Some Nights” by Fun came on. All 5 of us were belting out Evil Tunage! Eldest Spawn said, “This is played way too much on the radio, but that’s okay because it’s actually a GREAT! song!!” I flipped the station when it finished, and low and behold – “Some Nights” was on again! We continued to sing. And sound pretty Evil Freaking Awesome!

And when it finished and I switched stations again to find it agan…we couldn’t – and boo’ed as a group.

A united group. How cool was that?!?

Spawn – you all rock. I rock. We all Rocked Together! Rock on!!!

EJ out – to buy “Some Nights” so we can Rock Out more often!

Evil Fibbing…..

Evil Joy here with a post on silliness, fun, and Evil Joy Speaking Loudly.

Yesterday was a good day.  We got to the Y while Eldest Spawn was at Raider Elite.  Got home.  Cleaned up the house.

The Spawn didn’t run fast enough or hide quickly enough to evade what they term Evil Whole House Pick Up.  I call it – Mom Is Sick Of Doing This All Herself and You Made The  Messes (or Atleast Some Of Them (as I’m sure to be argued with “I didn’t do that!”)) SO GET OUT HERE AND HELP ME!

At the completion of Evil Whole House Pick Up, Spawn went outside to play.  Mid afternoon I called them in for a break from the heat and to rest up for ball.

Eldest Spawn – he and the couch are friends.  He and his iPod are friends.  They were all friendly with each other, no problem.

Female Spawn….well…they were on Evil Silly Mode yesterday.  Now, I love Silly Mode.  It only becomes Evil Silly Mode when they destroy and then EVIL FIB about cleaning up said Evil Silly Mode Messes.  Then Evil Joy must speak, and Evil Joy will speak loudly if necessary.

But their giggles, uncontrollable from the sounds of it…..Love.That.

Here’s what they were up to :

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And yes, the bulk of their Spawn ‘bodies’ is made up of some of the blankets we own.  Only some.  (Which means we will be donating several as the cold season approaches.)  Additional ‘body bulking’ items included, but were not limited to :

1. Eldest Female Spawn’s robe

2. Middle Female Spawn’s robe

3. Littlest Female Spawn’s robe

4.  Sweaters

5.  Sweatshirts

6.  You get the idea….

Now keep in mind the temps hit near 90 degrees and the humidity was high for us Wisconsin Weenies.  Yet my Female Spawn layer themselves in sweat producing layers and have the best time of their lives…….until……

We got home from ball in shifts.  Eldest Spawn had a game at one location (with me and two youngest Spawn) and Eldest Female Spawn had a game across town.  Now, before we left for ball, I specifically asked, “Did you put the things you were playing with away properly?”  “Yes Mom, of course,” is the answer I received.

BUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZ.  Wrong Answer!

Upstairs was trashed.  I was Evil Joy and I was Loud Evil Joy.  Female Spawn knew they were in trouble because there was no whining – just working.  After 20 minutes, order was restored.  Now I’m not a clean house nazi – just ask anyone who knows me – my house is usually messy – with 4 Spawn, a dog, and life – I’m real, we live in our house, messes are made.  But after spending 2 + hours tidying – not actual dirt digging out cleaning – just tidying – I was Evil Annoyed at the mess.

Evil Joy did back off and Mom reappeared.  Stories were read, songs sung, kisses and hugs shared.

Spawn – listen here.  I love that you play and have fun.  It makes my heart sing.

I don’t love when you lie.  It’s wrong.  Don’t. Lie. To. Me.  You will be caught, found out, busted, whatever – it’s best you learn this now when the consequences are small but strong because as you get older ….. I’ll be more Evil if lying occurs.  Just sayin’

EJ out – to do some laundry.  Evil Laundry found while tidying……..

And…if you’d take 2 seconds to click the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the left…you ROCK!  You can vote once a day, everyday!  Thanks!

Evil Freaking Sleeping Positions….

Evil Joy here with a post on spawn and the weird positions in which they sleep.  When they actually sleep that is…..

So..Dr. Evil, Eldest Spawn and Eldest Female Spawn went to the theater for Spiderman.  I had my Evil Doubts about Eldest Female Spawn going.  Dr. Evil had her watch the trailers on the Mac to see if she thought she could handle it.  Of course she said yes.  Who wouldn’t?  Night out with Dr. Evil and only one other Spawn?  And to the Falls Theater – meaning treats will be bestowed along with a movie.  Heck Yeah!

I put two youngest spawn to bed (after making princess craft after princess craft….how did I get such Girly Spawn?!?!?!).  Sure enough.  In comes Eldest Female Spawn.  I’m in bed reading.

EFS : Can I cuddle with you?  I’m scared.  The movie was scary.

Me : No.  It’s bed time.  I told you the movie would have some parts maybe a bit much for you.

EFS : But the trailers, they didn’t show any of the truly scary stuff.  Totally not cool Mom.

Me : It’s bed time.  Good night.

Off to bed she goes.  And proceeds to wake me up so many times I finally Evilly Cave and tell her to make a bed on the floor in my room.

I wake up to find her in the following position:

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It must be noted under herself, she is sitting criss-cross applesauce.  It must also be noted she sleeps like this regularly.  WTHeck?!?!  It must also also be noted she is freaky flexible – she can put both feet behind her head and play her bum!  Arms, hips, shoulders – this Spawn is bendable!

So Spawn – as long as you sleep – you can twist yourself into whatever pretzel shape you’d like.  Just STAY OUT OF MY ROOM BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 11pm and 5am!!!  Got it?!  Good.

EJ out – to try to sit like that just to see if I can.  If no posts are made in the next 36 hours – send in reinforcements to untwist my limbs.

While you’re here – if you’d take a minute to click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the left – I’d love it!  All you have to do is click on it – I’m currently #27 in the Humor Category – would be sort of cool to move up a bit!  Thanks!!!!

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