Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: humor (page 1 of 7)

My Super Power

My super power is a big deal. I am DISHWASHER LOADING WOMAN. Hear me roar at my kids to “PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER!” on a daily basis – feel the pppooowwwer. I had no idea as a child that there was such a power and that I would be gifted this responsibility as such a young age. (Shut up. I’m youngish.)

For a normal human – or person under the age of 17 living in my house – the distance from the counter to the sink must be expansive. And from the sink to the dishwasher – INSURMOUNTABLE. I simply cannot fathom any other reason for the repeated leaving of dishes next to the sink. Not even in the sink where they would be hidden from the mom-eye…but on the counter. In plain view. Cluttering up my kitchen (which equates with making me crazy!).

I alone possess the amazing ability to expertly cover not only the distance from the counter to the sink but – wait for it – the counter ALL THE WAY to the dishwasher.  I know, I know. Back the truck up. It is in fact possible for dishes to make their way from the table into a dishwasher while touching the hands of only one individual. Such skill must be a gift. A blessing from the dishwasher detergent people. Truly – a miracle – only only handed out to very few. This amazing talent has been granted to my husband as well – and goes well with his super power – Supper Power (this mama doesn’t cook).

But…I have found the answer – the key to transferring this power to my children. Using 12 short words, said in a staccato speech patter, I can make magic happen. I am able to control their movements with the words leaving my mouth. If you want to borrow these words, feel free. I don’t have them trademarked or licensed….and you’re welcome to send your children to my house when you use them.

“Put your dishes into the dishwasher or go pick up dog poop!”

I Failed At Soup : A Tale Of Mush

You know when you try to a good thing? I tried.

I failed miserably.

Soup. I failed at soup. How does one fail at soup you ask? Let me tell you.

I should have known things would go south from the start. The chicken was simmering as I sautéed the vegetables. I prepared the spices and noodles – although my normal noodles were hiding so I grabbed the closest ones I could find. I got everything ready to assemble into the crock pot and quickly realized I had no stock, broth, or base. None.

Well crap. I guess a store run is in order.

I got the missing broth and finished making the soup – the same way I do every.single.time.  My family loves this dinner – we all eat it all – including the leftovers. It’s a standard fare in the winter – probably twice a month. Lucky for me (and the teachers) I decided to give it one last stir before packing it up for school. It smelled amazing but the color was a tad off.

As I stirred I realized I didn’t see the nice, firm noodles I was accustomed to finding. But I did find mushy, gross, floury like strings of stuff.

OMG – WHAT A CLUSTER!!

I now had an exceptionally large crockpot full of crap. Total and complete crap. It was terrible. I only had 20 minutes before I needed to leave and deliver the offending soup to school. What to do???

The fact that I have ton of children played in my favor. I tend to triple recipes….one for dinner, one for left overs, and one to freeze. There was still a pot of broth, veggies, and chicken left uncontaminated by noodles. I had just made a ton of brown rice for my lunches for the week. I grabbed that crockpot, threw in the rice, and packed it up for school. Good enough right? Let’s get this show on the road.

Dr. Evil was on travel and I was driving his beloved car. Let’s just say I thank God for those plastic, made to fit, awesome floor liners. The soup did NOT travel well. I finally got this soup concoction to school, cleaned his car up, and went to the gym.

I vow to never make soup for school again. Ever.

Sour cream in a container from the store?  Sign me up for that stuff.

 

 

 

Food for Music Brain

I can’t even begin to comprehend the amount of space occupied in my brain by lyrics to songs. Old songs, new songs, kids songs, church songs, camp songs. Songs I wish I could forget and songs I didn’t know I knew.

If only this amazing power of lyrical recall could be harnessed for good. World peace, furthering medical sciences, engineering new ways to bring clean water to those who need it?

Nope. I can sing along with pretty much any song I’ve heard since I was 5. It’s kinda ridiculous. And I sing each and every one I hear on the radio. If you have been around for a bit, you’ll recall I was a band member. Not choir. I scare people with my singing voice…and have found the latest way to torture my children. I sing when their friends are in the car! Loudly, I sing loudly, and car dance while I drive.

While driving Eldest home I was belting out the words to a Megan Trainor song “If Lips Are Movin.” Eldest shook his head and I asked why. He said the usual 14 year old boy response, “Nothing.”

Next a Taylor Swift song with the phrase, “Boys only want love if it’s torture.”

That’s when he said, “ENOUGH! That’s so not true. All these songs make guys sound so awful. Girls are way meaner than any guys I know! We don’t think that hard about stuff.” (I’m paraphrasing – was so excited to engage in actual conversation I didn’t get the exact words in my head.)

We had a real conversation about music and life. We laughed when I brought up the Ed Sheeran song “Thinking Out Loud.”  (You know…the one where he signs “I’ll love you till we’re 70.) I asked, “What the heck happens when you turn 71?” And Eldest spouts off, ” I guess Grannie and Grandpa are done for since they’re past that age!”

For the record I have no idea where he gets his sarcasm.  None at all.

Since then I’ve been listening to the words of the songs I sing. There are some really cool ones. Many are disturbing. Many are too sexy when I hear them come from the mouths of my Littles. I do let my children listen to “popular” music. I do sensor some songs but not all. They know which words not to sing. If they choose to sing those words, they don’t get to listen to that song anymore.

I love how we’re sharing our love of music and using it to spur conversations, learn lessons, talk about hard stuff. So far, regardless of the child, music has been the spark to start us talking. We bond over music. Sometimes all six of us will belt out a song together in the car. Other times I simply sing until I get smiles that lead to conversation. And I’ll do whatever it takes to keep our lines of conversation open.

Here’s to music and all the benefits it brings to our lives.

How do you connect with your children? Is there one thing that works across the board with all of them?

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee!

Mom. Mother. Mama. Ma. MOM! Mommy.

Moms. Somehow we have become mothers like our mothers before us. I understand the mechanics of how and deeply appreciate the why. But there isn’t an instruction manual.

If you buy a crib at IKEA it comes home with instructions in several languages. And the instruction set you mostly likely use is simply illustrated. But this new little PERSON – there’s no set instructional manual to follow. There are no S.O.P. – no step by step instructions. Just a few books and pamphlets from the hospital or doctor’s office.

My mom was there when my son was born – let me tell you it was a long process. She found a ride back to the hospital at midnight when they finally (after 72 hours of induction gone nowhere) to be there for Eldest’s arrival into this world via c-section. She was there for each baby after that too. And for countless other things. She has taught me to be a better person not only with her words but in her actions.

My mom has been such an integral part of my life I wanted to share it with you.

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee: The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We’ve Learned from Our Mothers put together by the amazing Crystal Ponti and the Blue Lobster Book Co. is out there waiting for you.

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Crystal gathered together talented writers and we all shared lessons and stories from our moms. I am more than honored to be included. Lessons include but are not limited to “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow,” “Wear clean underwear,” and “This too shall pass.”

Mother’s Day is around the corner and what better gift to present to my mom than a book.  And guess what – your mom will love it too!  Click on the link below or check out my home page to order.  Order it today and you’ll have it for Mother’s Day this weekend!!!

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee is available NOW. You can find the book on Amazon for Kindle or print and also B&N.com. Available soon on the Apple store. Spread the word about this perfect present for Mother’s Day…and every day.

And once again friends – thanks for sticking around. I’ve had several technical difficulties with my computer and this post was go out last week. My apologies to Crystal on the delay. Regular posting schedule to return!!!

EJ out – to work on fixing the rest of the issues with this lovely computer. (Maybe if I talk sweet to her she’ll work for me???)

Get it today!  Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee: The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We’ve Learned from Our Mothers.

A Text Post : Brought to you by PMS

Last week I sent a request to Dr. Evil.

“PMS wants ice cream.  I have stated this so that you know it is PMS requesting ice cream and not me.  For future reference you may never EVER ask me if PMS wants anything.  I – meaning PMSing me – will let you know.  Would you please add it to the grocery list?”

I decided I was pretty freaking funny.  I was telling my friend from life and now closer friend because we work at the ski hill Gina about the above witty, brilliant message.  She asked me if I remember Kojak?  I don’t recall watching but remember the stories of a killer dog and being wary of dogs if I walked alone at night when I was a kid.

We started a text conversation as only two women can.  We were rolling with our respective laughter to the annoyance of those in our RL (real life) company.  It went something like this:

G : I grew up on one hour crime shows.  Maybe that explains why I want to kill everyone?

Me : Matlock, Trapper John MD, Mash

Me : Three’s Company, Oh..my favorite Hunter and Hunter

Me : All the Steven Segal movies

(I swear she was participating and I wasn’t simply badgering…there were some other things we were texting about…like my farting dog..that I’m leaving out.)

Me : Hogan’s Heroes.  Lawrence Welk.  I’ve seen all of those episodes.  God.  Help.  Me.

G : LMAO!  Quincy, Hart to Hart, Rockford Files.  #$#(& I can’t keep up because I’m laughing so hard.

Me : I was permanently scarred by watching the Sharon Stone movie with the ice pick with (removed for my protection).  Oh!  And ‘this is my brother Daryl and my other brother Daryl.”

G : I <3 Lawrence Welk

Me : Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Dallas.  We could make a board game out of this!

Me : Punky Brewster.  Saved by the Bell. More Mash Oh!!!  Flo.  The Kiss My Grits one!

G : Stop I’m going to pee my pants!

Me : I’m sure Trapper John MD can fix the bladder issues!

G : Hubs said we should start a stand up routine!

Me : Remember the Friday night movie.  Murder by the Camp Fire.  Sorority Sisters Gone Wrong.  Nowadays those sound like porn!!

G : I was a fan of the ABC after school specials.

Me : The more you know. Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle.

G : Maybe the ski hill would hire us!

Me : I’m so writing a blog post about this….

G : ….I’m laughing and ignoring my family.  Until Next time EJ!  Me love you long time.

Me : Hey G! Yes Joy?  Remember that one when Willis captured water outside for Kimberly to wash her hair and her hair turned green from the copper bowl?  Yes?  We just have green on the hills here at our ski hill!

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Yeah….she’s a keeper.  Life is funny.  Just have to find the funny.  Some days it’s harder than others…but this day…the funny found me and is making me smile again today!

Any funny texts in your world?  I’d love to hear about them!

EJ out – to tackle something since I locked my keys in my truck.  While it was parked in my driveway.  Trapped at home.  With all the laundry!

The 12 Days of Christmas Evil Joy Style

On the first day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
A pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the second day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the third day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the fourth day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the fifth day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the six day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Six unmatched earrings
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the seventh day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Seven used tissues
Six unmatched earrings
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the eighth day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Eight wet mittens
Seven used tissues
Six unmatched earrings
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the ninth day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Nine different dinner orders
Eight wet mittens
Seven used tissues
Six unmatched earrings
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the tenth day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Ten empty toilet paper rolls
Nine different dinner orders
Eight wet mittens
Seven used tissues
Six unmatched earrings
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Eleven loads of laundry
Ten empty toilet paper rolls
Nine different dinner orders
Eight wet mittens
Seven used tissues
Six unmatched earrings
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my spawnily gave to me
Twelve tangled electronics cords
Eleven loads of laundry
Ten empty toilet paper rolls
Nine different dinner orders
Eight wet mittens
Seven used tissues
Six unmatched earrings
Five golden glares
Four pairs of dirty socks
Three beds to make
Two lunch boxes with smeared pudding
And a pile of dog yak to clean up.

EJ out – to giggle quietly at my awesome list.

This has been part of the Secret Subject Swap hosted by Karen of Baking in a tornado.

My prompt was submitted by the amazing www.spinstersnacks.com.

“Tell us about a lie you tell on a regular basis.”

So the lie part of all of that….is three beds to make. There are five!!! And I make them do it!!!!

Check out the other awesome posts from today!!!

You can find them at www.bakinginatornado.com!!!!

I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane….

So weird is my life….I love it.

The first time I ran a race of any distance (for me) – 9 miles – it was 2 years ago May.  In California.

It.Was.Amazing.  Bur Sur 9 Miler….amazing.  Beautiful.  Breathtaking.  My first ever girls’ trip.

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Last May – life was still returning to ‘normal’ – no comments on our normal please – we’re all aware how abnormal our normal is…..

So…on with it.

Yesterday… I’m chatting with Snarkfest on Facebook.  She mentioned the Marine Corps Historic Half Marathon is Fredericksburg, West Virginia.  She invited me to come out.  On a whim.

With in 10 minutes – 10 minutes people10 minutes – I talked to Dr. Evil….found a frequent flyer flight, registered for the race, and confirmed the travel.

So I’m leaving on a jet plane to DC airport in May.  For another run of a little distance …. 13.1 miles!!  I’m so excited.

(Good timing in preparation for Grandma’s 26.2 mile run in June.)

See when Snarkfest and I started chatting a while back we found we have a number of similarities.  Our first half marathon times where within a minute or two of each other’s…..both had dental issues in our pasts…..(of all things…)  And we both immediately said that we should plan to run a race together some day.

And…wah-lah!  It’s happening people!

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And I’ve declared May of every other year to be my destination race trip.  And I’m hoping Snarkfest will be my destination race partner!

EJ out – to run – have to get in shape for this thing!!!  Actually to run Eldest Spawn to a sporting goods store – his feet are larger than his baseball cleats from last year and he desperately “Needs” batting gloves.

Oh and Snarkfest and a bunch of my other favorite bloggers have a book out – you should buy it – all the cool kids have it.  You know you want it.  It’s pretty neat!

Here’s a link so you can buy the book, “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

 

And since you’re in a click happy kinda mood – click on the flashing banner below to cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!!!!

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Spawn Inductions….

Years ago, before Evil Joy and Dr. Evil earned their titles, Brent and Joy dated.  Brent was co-oping for a company in California and Joy flew out to drive home to Iowa with him.  (And everyone thought we were going to elope on the way home…but no….we didn’t.)

Several hours were spent in a little red Chevy with no air-conditioning driving across the salt flats, mountains and plains.  So many hours in fact Brent and Joy started to have fun with the various songs on the radio.  No MP3 players or iPods to get us home – back in the ‘good ‘ol days.’

Brent had these little stuffed Burt and Ernie dolls.  (They’re hidden away now so the dogs can’t eat them….)  Joy was punchy from the heat and started making Burt dance to Chumbawamba.  He “fell down…” and got back up again.  On the dash-board.  Several times.  And he was one hell of a dancer.

Given the fact Brent and Joy were driving in summer with no A.C. and a packed car…so full Joy’s seat was shoved so far forward even her short legs were smashed….

This was the funniest thing EVER.  Ever.  I mean, seriously, the funniest thing ever.

Imagine –  if you will – a 6 inch tall Burt doll falling down and getting back up again and playing the trumpet.  And drinking.  In time.  With the music.

 

Fast forward almost 20 years.

 

Using Spotify and listening to the 90’s station.  And Chumbawamba comes on. Evil Joy sees Beaker.  Miniature Beaker.  And Big Beaker.

Miniature Beaker has moves.  Serious moves.

So serious Big Beaker became enraged.  And ate Miniature Beaker.

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Miniature Beaker “fell down”…. never to get up again.

 

EJ out.  SkyZone and Snowboarding await…..

 

Take a minute and click the flashing banner – I’ve really really fallen off in the standings at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’d appreciate one click of your time.  Thank you!

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How I got my Spawn Kicked out of …..

Her Girl Scout troop.  Yes….this did happen.  Yes….I’m pissed.  Yes….I’m glad she’s no longer in this troop.  And Yes….I think it’s sort of funny….giggle giggle funny.

So a couple of years ago I found out a troop was forming in our school.  I sort of begged to get Second Eldest Female Spawn into this troop.  Eldest Female Spawn is in a kick-ass troop – super organized and – understanding – of my….let’s say…my inability to meet every deadline or assignment target with her..troop.  Based on my previous (and current) experience with Eldest Female Spawn (EFS) – I was sort of psyched to get Second Eldest Female Spawn (SEFS) involved.

Meeting times weren’t the best for me but as I didn’t have time to give to the group, I didn’t say anything.  I refuse to complain about something I am unable to help with.  If I had time I would be there and ready to help out!  Problem is I have two older spawn and one littler spawn…and a traveling Dr. Evil.  And 2 dogs.  And a partridge in a pear tree.

We made the meetings we could.  We did what we could.  We missed a lot of stuff.

Then Dr. Evil got sick.  One of the awesome moms just took over driving SEFS to and from meetings and took care of stuff.  The girls sold cookies and put one in her name so she could get a patch.  We bridged to Brownies.  She had a great time at Bridging.  I so didn’t fit in with the other moms…..oh well…it’s not about me…it’s for her.

Fast forward.  I sent in the registration form to the National place or whatever vs doing it locally because …we….missed that meeting.  Fall softball took precedence.  A leader thought I hadn’t registered took me off emails.  I told her I had and she confirmed with the higher powers that be and included me once again.

Another email came out.  Then another.  I don’t remember these emails.  I am guilty of not reading my mail often – I get like 100 messages a day.  I sometimes don’t log on.  I sometimes pretend I don’t have email and don’t look at it for days.  Or I look for the ones from the school…and the bank…and that’s it.  (and now for the ones from eviljoyspeaks@gmail.com).  I knew cookie time was approaching.

Then I got the email.  The one that said I was being a mean person if I thought I could not respond to emails or attend meetings and take cookies from another girl who did respond and mess with their goal.  If only I’d taken the time to read the emails.  Blah Blah Blah.

I.Was.Pissed.

I was informed the people running and Involved in the troop were making it a success.  I should look for another troop for my spawn to be a part of.

I calmly replied….while biting my tongue off.  “I would NEVER expect to take cookies from another child.  I am obviously too busy to be a part of this for my daughter.  Please remove us from all mailing lists and correspondences.”

I received a “thanks for understanding” reply.

Then…I lost it and sent the scathing email I was thinking about sending the first time.   Probably not my best moment…..

I had to tell SEFS she is no longer apart of her troop.  I told in her no uncertain terms it was not her fault, but mine.  I told her we can find a new troop.  I have spoken with EFS (and her leaders) and she said she’d love for SEFS to come to a meeting with her so she feels included.  EFS even suggested – before I said a word – SEFS should come with her to sell cookies so she would be happy.  SEFS was completely fine with all of this.  Which – in and of itself – speaks volumes to me.

Overall, I am happy with the outcome of this situation.  The leadership displayed – kicking a kid out of a freaking Girl Scout troop – is not something I want my daughter to model.  The leader was valid in her points about my lack of participation.  I openly admit that.  I am busy.  I am a mom.  I have to make decisions about which things are more important when I am running our lair on my own.  I am the only one able to drive.  Four Spawn.  Eldest Spawn’s activities have a slightly heavier weight if they are school related as he’s approaching high school in a couple of years.

But really – who gets kicked out of Girl Scouts?  (ummmm…I got kicked out of Blue Birds for setting a mini fire in the garbage can when I was 8 at summer camp with my friend Becky……she was doomed from the start via genetics.)

We Do ! We Do !

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Who? Me?

EJ out – to find another troop for SEFS!

Take a minute and click on the blinking banner below – doing so will cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’ve fallen waaaaay off in the running!  Help me climb back up the ranks in the Humor Blog category.

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And thanks to Anna Sandler for the idea to write this post.  Twitter @Anna_Sandler.

Rite of Passage

Evil Joy here with a post on changes. That are Rites of Passage.

All I can think of is the Brady Bunch. This one.

Eldest Spawn’s voice is changing.  Eldest Spawn had a mini ‘schmuck•stash.’

Note the ‘had.’  I’ve wanted to shave it off for a couple months.  So much so I asked my favorite doctor about it.

The conversation went something like this…..

 

 

Me:  I can’t stand the mini•stash he has.  It is making me crazy.

Doc: Shave it off.  Or have Dr. Evil help him shave it off.

Me: Won’t it come back in thicker?

Doc: No.  That’s an old wife’s tale.  Get rid of that puppy.

 

 

That’s all the encouragement i needed.

So a couple of weeks ago I planted the seed.

 

Me: Hey Bud.  Can we get rid of the fuzz?

Eldest Spawn: Yes.  Please!

 

*Happy dance*

 

I brought it up to Dr. Evil a few times.  Nothing was done about said schmuck•stash.

Finally tonight……I took matter into my own Evil Hands.

Told Dr. Evil ….. today.  This is happening today.  They all went snowboarding and once home, showered (absolutely required post snowboarding….the spawn are genetically related to Evil Sweaty Joy).  The bottle of shaving cream and razor made it into the kitchen.  Eldest Spawn came upstairs from his bedroom pod.

After asking Dr. Evil privately if he’d like to have this ‘moment’ with his only son …. to which he laughed and said “Nah…..you’ve shaved my face.  Go for it.”

 

Me: It is time.  You, me, or Dad?

ES: You.

 

Alrighty.  Two seconds later schmuck•stash was gone.

So was my little spawn.  *tear*

So Schmuck•stash….I won.  And so did you.

EJ out – to find pictures of Eldest Spawn when he was still a baby.

Vote fir me over at TMB.  Click once on the juggling lady.  Thanks so much!!!

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