Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: laundry (page 1 of 2)

Laundry Woes

 

It’s amazing how small things can push me over the edge. A few months ago with was the “not” loading of the dishwasher. This month dirty laundry falling next to the laundry bin is making me bat shit crazy.

Here’s the deal. I get that my kids are kids and therefore are inherently unconcerned with the tidiness of life. To make all things easier, I’ve added extra laundry bins throughout the areas of the house where they change clothes. There’s a bin in each of their bedrooms. There are three separate bins in the hall closet directly outside the bathroom (I know, I know…I’m dreaming thinking they’ll sort laundry). There are multiple targets, varying in size, throughout the house for which they may aim.  Yet time and time again they fail to hit that golden target.

You have to understand –  I’m the Laundry Queen. If you wear something Monday by Tuesday miday it’s washed, folded, and ready for you to put away. So if I see that same shirt back in the wash on Tuesday night, I know that 1- not only did you not do your chore of putting away your laundry , but 2 – you BLATANTLY threw clean clothing into the laundry. AND 3 – not even into the  bin but rather on the floor next to the damn bin.

I know I don’t have basketball players. My girls play softball. Softball requires accurate throwing and visualizing your target. Trajectory and force are involved (even if they don’t realize it yet, they’re building a great foundation for math and physics). My oldest girl is a catcher and fires the ball back to the pitcher or to second base – or any base for that matter – with such force and precision it amazes me. I KNOW she can hit a target.

SO WHY CAN’T SHE (OR HER SISTERS) GET THEIR LAUNDRY INTO THE LAUNDRY BIN???? wwwhhhhyyyyyyy?!?!?

Thank goodness they’re not boys aiming for the toilet. 

An Ode to Laundry

An ode to Laundry.

Oh laundry how I detest thee.

You stink. You smell.

You make me yell.

You procreate behind closed doors

And in the middle of the floor.

You collect into piles with the wet towel hiding in the middle

spreading BO to everything.

Oh laundry how I detest thee.

You simply disgust me.

The end.

Laundry and I are mortal enemies. It continues to wage battle at me. I continue to throw laundry detergent on it. I wash, I dry, I fold. I sort and put away. I leave piles of clean, folded laundry for each child. When I see it on the floor, that clean, folded laundry, I sport a second head and the voice of the devil telling them to “PUT IT AWAY PROPERLY!” And my oh my help them if they throw clean laundry into the dirty bin rather than put it away. That is a sin of epic proportion.

Where does all the laundry come from? This is a math problem. I can deal with that – BS in applied mathematics and all. If six people wear one outfit a day, take one shower a day, and wear one pair of socks a day how many loads of laundry should there be?

17. Yes. The answer is 17.

It’s geometry with the answer residing in separate yet intersecting planes causing the laundry to multiple at exponential rates. And the above load of crap brings the load total to 18.

So I’m off. To rotate the laundry as we say here in my lair. And to fold fitted sheets perfectly and shove them in a corner where no one can appreciate my genius skills. After this load we’ll be down to 19 loads to complete.

Until tomorrow when there’s 221.

EJ out – to sort some dirty socks.

#NaBloPoMo

#Laundrysucks

#washdryfoldPUTAWAY

#Ineedamaid

Approaching….the Day is Approaching….

Evil Joy here with a post on …. well … the creation of … ummm … me.  And the intense weirdness that is me.

See…I thought I’d be calmer as the ‘D’ Days approached.  You know what…I’m calling them “E” Days…for Evil Joy in case you didn’t follow.

This morning it started.  Eldest Female Spawn’s birthday is on Wednesday.  The first night, or E1 as I’ll refer to it, happened the night of her birthday party.  She asked for cupcakes for school – like the dog ones my Evil Awesome Amy made.  Dr. Evil and I both said, simultaneously, “No.”  Quickly followed by, “You can have cookies or something else – not dog themed.  Okay?”  I immediately flashed to day E3 – his words to me….and mine to him.

And the Evil Freaking Tears immediately gathered in my eyes.  Seriously, eyes…enough with the Evil Tears.  Enough already…enough.

Mom and Dad of Evil Joy are here visiting.  (Yes, I was spawned too….)  Mom of Evil Joy and I went out for breakfast.  The discussion turned to the events of last year.  The emotional interactions, the fractured relationships, the intense feelings of helplessness on both of our parts.  Evil Tears threatened both of us.  But neither of us gave it – take that Evil Tears.

And now tonight.  Dr. Evil got home from work.  I had dinner made (amazingly – I don’t do that often).  I went upstairs where he had changed out of work clothes into his flannel Vikings pants.

Evil Vikings Pants.  He lived in those for a while.  He has two pairs.  I washed them everyday and took them back to the hospital.  Every single night I came home, gathered the kids, made sure they had their homework done (and they always did – I have amazing friends – homework done, dinner consumed, best behavior on for me), and got them ready for bed.  We laid out the next day’s clothing, packed bags, and gathered the outfits they’d worn that day.

And I did one Evil Load of Laundry.  Every Evil Night he was in the hospital.

Well…after the first two weeks he was in the hospital.  I didn’t leave those first days.  The suggested I didn’t leave at first because they just didn’t know.

Damn Evil Tears.  Go away.

So…I guess I’m warning you all.  The next three weeks may be hard for me.  You may see it here.

You may not.

I. Don’t. Know.

Damn Evil Tears.  Please give me a break.

I’m thankful he’s here.  I so very beyond belief happy overjoyed thrilled thankful happy ecstatic joyful Dr. Evil is with me.  With us.

And I’m scared.  Life is very precious.  And it changes in a heartbeat.  Or from a virus, infection, multi organ system failure.  From things out of my control.

Evil Tears.  Oh well….Evil Tears maybe aren’t so Evil.

They just …. are.

EJ out – to shed the tears that obviously need to escape.

The Pants That Can Run…On Their Own….

Football season is official over for Eldest Spawn.  They had a great 7th grade year.  I don’t know the overall stats, but the improvement made during the course of the season was impressive.  Eldest Spawn played nearly 80% of every game – he came home tired, bruised, battered, with potentially sprained fingers, and very …. happy.

Eldest Spawn loves football.  I think if it weren’t for snowboarding coming quickly, he would be a little sad.

The last game was yesterday – they got spanked by the opposing team.  I will say in their defense (come on – it’s my spawn – of course there’s an explanation for said spanking) the other team is broken into heavy weight and light weight.  This year we didn’t do that.  So Eldest Spawn’s team (there are two grade 7 teams) got the heavy weights.  There were a couple of man child players – what I call kids who look like they are way too old for their body’s size and shape.

Anyway with the end of the season comes equipment check-in.  Today.  One day after the game.  Because there’s no school after today for the rest of the week.  (Fodder for posts will be in abundance I’m thinking….)

I’ve seen Eldest Spawn’s pants one – ONE – only one time since school started.

The day they were issued.

In August.

Now…October 16th they appear for the second time – I made him remove pads and put them in the machine.  I’ve washed them four times.  They still look like this….image what they looked like the first time through.

One last wash with extra hot water and extra amounts of stain remover.  I’m calling it good.  Not sure if I washed them so much to remove stains…or to remove stink for next kid who is blessed with these pants.  We had some really hot weather beginning of the season.  And he’s my spawn – we are genetically programmed to sweat enough for 5 people.

 

Do your spawn like to have their uniforms washed more than once a season?

 

EJ out – to clean the washing machine after having contact with the Evil Pants That Can Run… On Their Own.

 

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Evil Phrases I Actually Used…..

So…things that make you go MMMM…or WTHeck?  Did I really just say that?!?!

Baseball lends itself to the use of many phrases I never dreamed or nightmared of using.  Taking three Female Spawn to ball parks all summer long – twice a week and all weekend – created situations in which new ‘everyday’ phrases were employed.

Here is a list of the ones I can think off the top of my head….

1. We do not touch dog butts of dogs we don’t know.

2. Do not lick the baseball.

3. Do not pee in the grass – you are a girl.

4. Yes, you can have more candy – just leave me to watch the game.

5. We don’t put sunscreen there….

6. Here – play with my iPhone so I can watch the game – never mind it’s raining and there’s cement for it to fall on.

7. YES!!!  Only 5 more hours in the heat!

8. No, you can’t marry your new best friend.

9. No!  Do not kiss your new boyfriend (said to 6 and 4 year old).

10. Let your sister be the dog for once when you play kennel.

11. Stop trying to eat the sunflower shells out of the grass – there are no seeds in there.  (Never mind they’d been in someone else’s mouth!)

12. No – we don’t lick the door handle to the bathroom.  Gross dude!

13. Put your clothing back on!  (Shouted at 6 year old who happened to be sitting next to high school couple who immediately turned 50 shades of purple.)

14. Stop cheering for your brother like that – he doesn’t want you to sing his name and then try to kiss him!!!  And if you’re going to do it – spell his name right!

And my favorite –

15.  Of course we’ll do this tomorrow – it’s great!  It’s only suppose to be 95 degrees – it’ll be way cooler!

 

Any phrases you’ve said you never imagined utterly until you had Spawn?  Let me a comment – I’d love to hear them – maybe we can compare notes!

 

EJ out – to put Spawn to bed and read a book.  And do laundry.  And fold laundry.  And put away laundry.  I live and breathe laundry.  Bawahahahahaha.

Please take a minute to vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs by clicking on the icon on the right.  I appreciate it!

Also, check out “Ronan” on iTunes by Taylor Swift.  Amazing.  Simply.Perfect.

Nakey Butt…..

Another blast from the past…..

2004

So we move to Hudson.  Dr. Evil goes on travel to China.  A lot.  I get pregnant AGAIN.  (Just got over the miscarriage – and this one shows up – swear to my death she’s my immaculate conception…)  Eldest Spawn is 4 and attending preschool.  Eldest Female Spawn is 2 and sooo a handful.  She does not like clothing.  On her body.

At.All.

Ever.

I make her wear unders because quite frankly, I don’t want nakey butt on my furniture, carpet, car, bike seat, swing…anywhere.  Gross.

Winter approaches.  We’ve been following the advice of the pediatrician who said, “As long as she’s not going to be injured, ie frost bite, let her figure it out.  She’ll get cold enough one day and wear clothing.”  Dr. Evil and I hadn’t even introduced the idea of winter coats…it’s Wisconsin for crying out loud – colder than snot too.

Day in and day out she wears this one princess nightgown given to her by my brother (you know it’s my sister-in-law who got it….).   I literally would take it off of her when she was asleep and wash it, dry it and lay it next to her in the morning.

 

Uncle Goofball teaching Eldest Female Spawn his special face moves….

And before you say it – you have to understand – this is the same spawn who could make herself puke when she didn’t want to be somewhere…and did so often.  Very often.  Probably twice in every restaurant in Hudson.  Maybe more in some.  To the point of needing to have 3 root canals, 5 crowns, and 2 huge fillings just after turning 4.

We tried being forceful.  We tried time outs, taking away toys and playdates, even tried spanking.

Nothing worked.  She was always taking her clothing off.

So….we drop Eldest Spawn off at preschool.  It’s cold.  Very cold.  Cold enough even I had on a winter coat, not my normal shorts and sweatshirt since I was on my way to the Y.  We walk in.  Eldest Female Spawn is in her beloved Evil Princess Nightgown, flip flops, and a pony tail.  That’s it.

A very kind lady took me aside.  She told about their clothing program and asked if I would like to choose a coat for my daughter since she didn’t have one.  And anything else we were in need of.

Oh.My.Word.

I had to explain we were good.  She continued and assured me there was no shame in taking some help – especially for my spawn.  (and there soooo isn’t – if you need help – get it – especially for your children)

I finally showed her some pictures on my phone.  My friend Evil Seattle Seeking Gina stepped in and helped me explain the Evil Stubbornness present in this child.  She said she’d pray for us.  Very kind lady left us to the normal drop off talk among mothers and dads, grandmas and grandpas.   I’m pretty sure Eldest Female Spawn took off the nightgown at least three times and went streaking down the hallway.

Yeah….the kind lady got it.  She saw Eldest Female Spawn streaking by.  Multiple times.  I’m pretty sure she prayed for us each time.

I eventually did get her in a coat……

No worries though – Eldest Female Spawn is all about wearing clothing now.  Multiple layers.  Multiple outfits a day.  Making multiple loads of laundry.

What was I so upset about with the nakey stuff?  Less laundry is good, right?

EJ out – to go fold … yup ..  you guessed it … laundry.

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On the Road Again…

Just can’t wait to get on the road again!!

Okay – I admit it – I LOVE the RV.  I was so vehemently opposed to buying it that those words now leaving my fingertips must be blasphemy.  But nope…I’m loving the family time it gives us.  Admittedly I’m saying this before leaving – and being in the car with four or more Spawn – for hours.

But it’s time away together.  I can’t come in and blog.  I can’t come in and do laundry.  There’s no TV.  I can’t go garden and get lost in the weeds for hours.

Just family time.  I’ve missed family time this last year.  So focused on so many things.  At first it was Dr. Evil.  Then Dr. Evil and the Spawn.  Then Dr. Evil, the Spawn, and a broken wrist.  Then Dr. Evil, the Spawn, healed wrist, and baseball, softball, and machine pitch.  And Concessions.  You get the idea…

I was so busy I didn’t enjoy some things as much as I should have.  And by staying busy I couldn’t fall into the anxiety or depression or worry or whatever you want to call it that has haunted me since Dr. Evil earned his PhD.  And man, I have beeeeennnnn busy!  Except when I’m not ……

Today…I’m looking forward to focusing on the house for a few hours knowing I have three full days with my family.  And friends.

Can’t wait to leave!!!!!

Have a safe, fabulous Labor Day weekend.  Remember why we celebrate – a day off to men and women who work – celebrated in the US and Canada since 1894 (source: TLC Family).

Dr. Evil, Evil Joy, Eldest Spawn, Eldest Female Spawn, Second Eldest Female Spawn, and Little Spawn

EJ out – to wash my stinky running clothes (and myself) since I want to bring them with me!

If you don’t want a visit from my stinky running clothes, you should vote for me by clicking on the Top Mommy Blogs icon.  Do it – you know you want to!  Thanks!

Evil Plea…..

Evil Joy here with a post on a couple of things…

1.  Littlest Spawn : “Mom- did you just fart?”  Yeah…great.  I would like to go to the bathroom alone at some point in my life again, but for how….”No, I’m going to the bathroom.”  Littlest Spawn : “Yeah, sometimes when think I’m going to fart I actually poop a bit.  You’ve seen those unders.”

How can you not laugh?  She’s so freaking funny.  And serious at the same time.  And … too aware of all things around her – she picks up on everything….yikes.  I think I’m in trouble with this one…

Image

2.  This whole Top Mommy Blogs thing.  It’s making me mad.  I seem to have lost 10 votes overnight.  Not not gained votes, but actually gone down in vote totals.  And I’m more mad I care about it.  I wish I didn’t but I do.  Not only that, not nearly as many people are reading this blog.  WTHeck?  Am I boring you?  Am I not exciting enough?

It’s like a one sided relationship I’m trying desperately to save!  What can I do to keep you coming back?!  Come on!!

Tell me.  Please.  Leave me a comment about something.  Anything.  I write this blog for myself but I’m sort of loving the idea of spreading some smiles out there.  I want to continue to spread smiles..and spread them farther and farther.

So…a plea for comments.  A plea for votes.  A plea to spread smiles to you.

Sorta needy this morning, ya think?!

EJ out – for yet another crazy day – I’m sure the craziness will generate a post or six.

So….based on above #2 – please take a minute out of your day and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon.

Go vote for me.  🙂  And leave a comment on here too!  Come on, you know you want to…..

Dr. Evil is Dr. Evil-Fix It Man!!

Evil Joy here with a post on Dr. Evil and his amazing, money saving fix it skills!

So…remember the Evil Loud Sucky Dryer (Evil Sucky Loud Dryer….).  It was getting worse and worse.  And worse.  To the point of the Spawn being seriously upset when I had to use the dryer.  The noise was awful.  And Evil Fear kept me from running it when I was away from the house – what if the silly thing caught fire?

Dr. Evil took the dryer apart on Sunday.  I will admit I figured we’d be buying a new dyer on Monday.  He’s very smart but the dryer sounded so awful I thought it was bound for the Evil Dryer Graveyard.

My entryway/laundry room (a whole ‘nother post exists in those 4 words – who in their right mind designs a laundry room in the same space as the family entrance from the garage?  Not someone with four kids, four backpacks, four winter coats…..I digress) looked like this until late last night (Wednesday)…..

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Dr. Evil with his Evil Head Lamp on to fight the Evil Noise emitting from the Evil Sucky Dryer…..

Actually it was a bit worse for the dayS it was apart – the drum of the dryer was on the floor – and obviously – it’s nearly as large as the dryer.

Now…when Dr. Evil was earning his PhD, I’ve mentioned how messy the house was.  Well, hand in hand with that…I was so very very very behind on laundry.  Those same wonderful friends and family helped us out there too.  But they all agreed our dryer was so crappy, they took the wet laundry to their houses and did it there.  Two of them even tried cleaning out the piping running from outside the house in case it was blocked….may I remind you this was winter…in Wisconsin.  I was aware it wasn’t great, but unaware of how Evil Sucky it really was.

Life continued and the Evil Sucky Dryer got more Evil and More Sucky.  And Louder.  Way way louder.  Nails on the chalk board loud – and that’s sort of what it sounded like. And because it was so Evil Sucky, every load had to be dryer two full cycles to get it dry…and small loads because large loads would NEVER dry.  Forget more than one towel or sweatshirt at a time….No Way on that…  I even have a system where I was a load to be dried, dry it, wash another load to go on the line, restart dryer for first load, wash a third load and then the dryer is nearly finished.

So Dr. Evil took the Evil Sucky Dryer apart.  Into many pieces.  Lots of pieces.  I admit, again, I feared a new dryer purchase was in our future.  The number of pieces was reinforcing this fear.

Part of the issue was this : it was residing in the unreachable part of the lint trap – under in the housing….

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Nasty compacted lint stuck in a place you can’t get to unless you have a Dr. Evil to take your dryer apart…..

He also found the part he needed to order.  And to save what little is left of my sanity he paid as much for expedited shipping as the part.

The part arrived to an empty house.  Therefore, it went to the post office.  Grrrrr.  Luckily he was out and about early from work and could stop and get it.

Low and behold Dr. Evil was home, the part was here, and the Female Spawn were running around crazy while he went to work.  He needed a surgical assistant, yours truly, Evil Joy.  I got to hold the drum in my hand…well, with all of my fingers and lots of muscle – that stupid thing is heavy.

After lots of Evil Head Lamp using and Evil Screw Driving twisting, the Evil Sucky Dryer is now…….

Evil Dryer Working Amazingly Well!!!!!

So….EJ – have a little more faith in your man.  He’s smart, he’s awesome….He’s Dr. Evil!

Dryer – keep on working – God knows you’re going to be put through your paces as I haven’t done laundry in 6 days.

Lint – stay where you’re suppose to stay and quit making my Evil Dryer the Evil Sucky Loud Dryer.

Part making noise – stay lubricated – no more noise from you!

EJ out – to utlize my now Amazingly Awesome Evil Dryer.

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Evil Thunderheads…and Other Random Thoughts…

Evil Joy here with a post on desire to swim with the Female Spawn and said desire being squashed by potential Evil Thunderstorms.

So…I am trying hard to make the most of this girly week.  With Eldest Spawn at BoyScout camp and Dr. Evil on travel (or at work all day), we females rule the house.  Even the dog is a girl…..

It’s been an interesting week with A here to watch the kids during the day.  I got a lot done but didn’t really hang with the Female Spawn as much as I’d like.  I’m working on the pesky project using my Evil Awesome Painting Skills….  As our dryer is still in pieces, literally, I’ve been trying to use the line.  But it keeps raining.  Free second, third and forth rise for my towels?  That works, right?  So I have a lot of wet clothing around.

And cleaning…for friends….lots and lots.  Figured I’d take advantage of A being here to get that done since Eldest Spawn is gone and can’t watch his Sister Spawn.  Trying to get a lot of it done this week so we can all enjoy the spontaneous trip to Iowa next week.

I guess it’s not too spontaneous if it’s not until next week…..Sunday…..

Anyway – I was thinking after all the stuff going on we’d hit the beach today.  Just us girls.  Dr. Evil has some stuff to do after work (READ CONCESSIONS) so I thought we’d just go hang…splash, build some sand castles…just be together.

WTHeck Evil Thunderheads….come on…seriously?!?!

Maybe tomorrow night…..and since Dr. Evil will be gone again, maybe pizza when we get home….hmmmm…this is starting to sound like a plan……

So…

Evil Thunderheads – produce rain today and leave tomorrow…rain rain go away…wait don’t …rain now and then go away…

Paint – almost done….pictures coming…

Random Thoughts – be done sharing….form into cohesive thoughts.

EJ out – to finish up the Viking stripes in Eldest Spawn’s room…..

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