Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: parenting (page 1 of 6)

Laundry Woes

 

It’s amazing how small things can push me over the edge. A few months ago with was the “not” loading of the dishwasher. This month dirty laundry falling next to the laundry bin is making me bat shit crazy.

Here’s the deal. I get that my kids are kids and therefore are inherently unconcerned with the tidiness of life. To make all things easier, I’ve added extra laundry bins throughout the areas of the house where they change clothes. There’s a bin in each of their bedrooms. There are three separate bins in the hall closet directly outside the bathroom (I know, I know…I’m dreaming thinking they’ll sort laundry). There are multiple targets, varying in size, throughout the house for which they may aim.  Yet time and time again they fail to hit that golden target.

You have to understand –  I’m the Laundry Queen. If you wear something Monday by Tuesday miday it’s washed, folded, and ready for you to put away. So if I see that same shirt back in the wash on Tuesday night, I know that 1- not only did you not do your chore of putting away your laundry , but 2 – you BLATANTLY threw clean clothing into the laundry. AND 3 – not even into the  bin but rather on the floor next to the damn bin.

I know I don’t have basketball players. My girls play softball. Softball requires accurate throwing and visualizing your target. Trajectory and force are involved (even if they don’t realize it yet, they’re building a great foundation for math and physics). My oldest girl is a catcher and fires the ball back to the pitcher or to second base – or any base for that matter – with such force and precision it amazes me. I KNOW she can hit a target.

SO WHY CAN’T SHE (OR HER SISTERS) GET THEIR LAUNDRY INTO THE LAUNDRY BIN???? wwwhhhhyyyyyyy?!?!?

Thank goodness they’re not boys aiming for the toilet. 

When You’re Not ‘That’ Mom

When you’re not ‘that’ mom. The thoughtful, caring, happy-go-lucky, laid back mom. I’m not that mom. I’m the – I expect more, expect you to expect more, do your chores, suck it up and figure it out mom.  I don’t love sitting and chatting constantly but I do love hearing what you have to say. However if you start whining with zero intent of finding a solution – – this mama ain’t got time for that.

Often I observe other moms super excited to be at every single practice, every school event, every playdate. Even planning events or activities for said play dates on a  regular basis. I am not that mom. I’m too blunt. I enjoy my children’s activities but have a hard time hiding when I’m done – over it – or annoyed. I feel that by being authentic, I’m showing my children that it’s okay to be human. Demonstrating that that while I’m in love with being their mom, at times my brain is seeking something other than what we’re doing at the moment.

Even shopping. God. I HATE to shop. Recently I took one of my girls bra and underwear shopping. Most moms would bond over this. We did the first time – I think. I know she wanted to  – and I tried but —- but —- PICK A COLOR ALREADY. I don’t want to spend 45 minutes in a store stinking of perfume while you decide between blush and baby blue. Because child – that bra will be under a shirt and if anyone can see any part of the baby blue or pink, you’re not wearing the shirt properly….or out of my house!

I get jealous of moms that take/get such immense joy from each and EVERY LITTLE FREAKING thing their children do. I exist. I get through. I survive. I endure.

I don’t always enjoy.

However I do find pleasure in a lot of things. Seeing my children succeed, smile, laugh, and yell with glee. These things make my heart SING.

But honestly, there are times I cannot take sitting through one more..practice…concert…play…whatever.

I wonder – what am I missing? What am I missing out on by not being ‘that’ mom? I worry I’m lacking something – that my children will grown up wishing they’d had someone else as their mama. Am I enough as I am?

Then I remember. I’m the best me I can be. I’m working on being the most I can be. I’m the mom I am and I love my kids deeply and with an unwavering intensity. I love them in my authentic way.

 

my way

Little Lies…

THIS IS FOR ADULTS.  IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE ONE READING OVER YOUR SHOULDER SHOOO THEM AWAY.   MY VIEWS ON MYTHICAL CREATURES ARE DISCUSSED.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

….

Here’s a question for you.

Do you think it’s okay to lie to your children?  Ever?  Little white lies?  Big huge lies?

When my children ask me if Regions, our Elf on the Shelf, moves about by himself my answer always is, “What do you think?” Always the same question when it comes to Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.  I don’t say, “Yes” or “No” or “Maybe.”  I ask them and gauge their reaction.  I look to see if it’s time for a different discussion or if they’re happy where they are with their beliefs.

Tomorrow Eldest Female Spawn will be 12 years old.  She is receiving a cell phone as a present.  It was going to be a surprise.  I had it all worked up in my mind.

//ACT/

Setting : Living room.  Fire place blazing as snow falls softly outside picture window.  Family members sprawled about the living room on the couches and floor.  Dogs laying quietly by the birthday girl’s feet.  Mom holding camera and Dad reminding Mom to actually take pictures with the camera,   

Scene : Female Spawn has three presents from parents/siblings and a couple of cards from Grandparents.  She chooses the largest one on Mom’s urging.  And then….

“RING RING!!”

The smallest box starts ringing.  Eldest Female Spawn screams in delight.  She is thrilled and happy and gives us copious hugs.

Scene Note : Eldest Spawn is silently brooding.  He had to wait until he was 13.5 for a phone.  We placate him by explaining at least he’ll be free to snowboard without her as they’ll both have phones.

/END SCENE/ END ACT//

Obviously the above scene is some figment of my imagination as everyone saw the phone in the kitchen.  It stood out as it’s not an Apple product.  But free people.  And nice.  (We have awesome friends.)  At first we said Dr. Evil was fixing it for our friend.  They knew better and saw through our lie.

Then I got this text the next day. “DID YOU GET HER A PHONE?!?!?  She said she found one in Dad’s night stand.” from Eldest Spawn.  I call home immediately and rip Eldest Female Spawn a new one.  ONE DOES NOT SNOOP IN PARENTS’ ROOM – or any room – for that matter and a discussion of boundaries takes place.  We talk about respect and limits.  Again I adhere to Dr. Evil fixing the phone for our friend.

But in the end, it came out.  She’s getting a phone.  And she knows it.

She upped the ante.  Dr. Evil last night went to put some apps on it and set it up for her.  She’d already done it.  We were both flabbergasted at her behavior.  We moved the phone and left a note, “DO NOT LOOK FOR IT!!! : )  EVERY DAY YOU MESS IWTH IT IS ONE DAY LATER YOU GET IT!”

Someone questioned me on what our penance would be for lying to her about it being a gift.  I answered, “We have to live with her while making her wait.”  And trust me.  It is penance.

But it got me to thinking.  It is okay to tell little lies?  Is it okay to allow the magic of childhood to continue?  Is answering a question with a question okay?

The answer in my world.  Absolutely.

The world isn’t black and white.

What about you?  Do you think it’s ever okay to be less than honest with your children?

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EJ out – to get some kids out the door so they don’t miss the bus.  And I”m being truthful with them.  “MOVE YOUR BUTTS!  I AM NOT DRIVING YOU TO THE BUS STOP!”  Because if they miss the bus I’ll drive them to school, not the bus stop.  See, I can tell the truth.

If you could take a single click and vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs, I’d appreciate it.  Just click on the little juggling lady on the upper right.  If you’re on a mobile device, scroll all the way down and you’ll find her.

A Warning…..

See…I need sleep.  I crave sleep.  I desire sleep.  I yearn for sleep.  I am deeply in love with sleep.

 

 

I don’t get much sleep.

 

There are these things called spawn in my lair.  They see to it that I get interrupted every SINGLE EVIL LIVING night of my EVIL LIFE.  They tag team me.  They share the duty.  Rarely is more than one up at once.  Multiple spawn may awaken in one night – but in succession.  Never all at the same time.  Just one after the other, after the other.

On the off chance they all actually sleep through the night without getting up, opening their door, closing their door, closing the bathroom door, opening the bathroom door, opening their door, and finally closing their door….there are the furry spawn in our lair.

There are several deer, fox, other dogs, random cats, birds, and butterflies that MUST be BARKED at during the night.  Usually around 1:30 am.  Or 3:30 am.  Or 1:13 am.  Or any other time I am fortunate enough to be in a deep sleep.

I’m not even going to start on Dr. Evil’s snoring.  Just know Breathe RIght strips are on my shopping list.  (I’m pretty sure shin guards are on his shopping list as well.)

And insomnia – yeah – insomnia.  There are no nice words for not being able to sleep when afforded the opportunity.

 

As a public service announcement I am issuing a warning.  Actually several warnings.

Warnings from Evil Joy

  1. Do not ask me if I got enough sleep.  I will a.)tell you why I didn’t or b.)throttle you.
  2. Do not tell me you get a full night’s rest every night and can’t imagine what not sleeping is like.  I will just throttle you.
  3. Do not wake me up mid-nap.  I will a.)yell at you and not remember it or b.)throttle you.
  4. Do not give my spawn any sort of caffeine containing product.  Ever.  Never ever.  Never, never ever.  I will send them to your house at 3am and let them wake you up, keep you up, and annoy you.
  5. Do not cross Evil Joy today.  I am tired.  And grumpy.  And catching Littlest’s cold.

 

You have been warned.

Please advise my spawn, should you see them, to let me sleep.  I tell them all the time.  They tell me how wonderfully they’ve slept and I just smile, grind my ever sharpening teeth together, and give them a hug so they can’t see the look on my face.

 

EJ out – to await the opening of the clinic so I can take a sick Littlest in to see the doctor.  (And if they wake up me and they’re sick – I’m not EVIL!!!  I’m just mom.  Albeit a tired mom, but a loving, cuddly mom who takes care of those she calls spawn.)

 

Help a tired EJ out and vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’m moving up the Humor Blogs ranks but need your help to stay up there!  Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  If you’re accessing this on a mobile device, you may have to scroll to the end of the post to see the icon.  Thanks!!!

ANDDDDD – you can meet the amazing Michelle from You’re My Favorite Today and myself in only 16 days at Jake’s in Plymouth, Minnesota!!  Click here for more details.

Just…no…No.

Yesterday I read something that made me feel physically ill.  I quickly reposted on Facebook.  Then I saw a tweet from a mama asking me if what I posted was real.  I usually check things out right away.  This time I was so enraged, I simply hit ‘repost’ and was appalled.

I was praying it was fake.  I was praying I was going to owe this awesome mama an apology.  She has a four-year old son who verbalizes in the same way as this young man.  She was livid.  I was absolutely hoping I’d owe her the biggest apology….

Nope.  It was real.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/story/2013/08/20/autistic-boy-family-receives-euthanize-letter-ontario-newscastle.html

A most hateful woman wrote this disgusting letter and delivered it an autistic boy’s family.  Suggesting they euthanize their son and they should take “whatever non retarded body parts he possesses and donate it to science.”

(Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/disgusting-father-hate-filled-letter-euthanize-autistic-son-nuisance-article-1.1431505#ixzz2cbMxTVds)

My first response was anger.  And not anger – but hell filled hate.  Boiling rage.  Then…

I felt sick.  How many people were going to be affected by this?  How would his family ever get one evil person’s words out of their heads?

Then…

I decided.  Screw this.  This angry sad person is not going to have the last word.

Let’s take this letter and use it for good.  Let’s use it to educate people about ASD – Autism Spectrum Disorders – we can spread knowledge and love.

My children are not autistic.  I cannot possibly understand what parents of an autistic child deal with day in an day out.  What I can do is be there for them – in whatever way they need.  In this case, I hope I can bring a little peace into a sometimes chaotic world by trying to spread knowledge – not hate.

Today on Facebook the post of the Dalai Lama read, “If someone behaves negatively towards you, it helps to remember that he or she is a human being like you and to distinguish between an action and the person who does it. If counter measures are needed to prevent someone doing harm, it’s always better to do it with a calm rather than an agitated mind. If you act out of anger, the best part of your brain fails to function. Remember, compassion is not a sign of weakness.”

While I am not the point of feeling compassion for the woman who wrote and delivered this letter, approaching this blog post with a calmer mind and heart is a positive step.  Counter measures to me in this instance are to ask others to be aware.  Aware of their words, their actions, and their IMPACT on others.

What impact are you making today?

The Epistolarians

Today I have a guest post up on The Epistolarians.  Check it out.  And while you’re there…check out the rest!  Amazing site – amazing women.  Honored to be a part of it for one day!

The Epistolarians

Advice…from a new mom

So I’m linking up at Theme Thursday.  I seem to mess this up every time I do this and forget to do what I’m suppose to.  (I’m sorry!!!)  Here’s the link to Theme Thursday.  Go check out what others are saying about this week’s theme : Advice  Thanks to Something Clever 2.0 for doing this!!!

I love when I go out with my Littlest Spawn.  She’s a doll face .. except when she’s not. Then she’s the devil incarnate.  She can scream and carry on with the best of them.  In the last year, this has subsided considerably but on occasion it still happens.

My favorite situation is when she is having a hard time with a new environment and I’m past dealing with it.  I’m more of the tough love kinda mama – not the cuddling type.  At all.  Ever.  (Sorry Spawn – suck it up – that’s the way it goes – not everyone wins – you’re fine – get over it)

In walks chic mom in her heels, skinny jeans, with her six month old baby dressed in the latest Gap line head to toe.  Who proceeds to give me advice.  For a child who is 4.5 years older than her first baby.  Advice she read in a book.  And her friend told her about.  And she saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

Yeah.  Bite me.

Depending on my mood, one of three things happens:

Mood 1 : Happy and Well Rested

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Thanks.  I’m sure it’ll get better.  Have a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 2 : Normal Evil Joy – Tired, Slightly Frazzled, Running 17 Different Directions

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Yeah, I know…my older THREE went through this stage too.  Later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 3 : Exhausted, Dr. Evil on Travel, Other Spawn Acting Up at Home, Last Thin Thread of Sanity Broken by This Woman

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Look.  I appreciate you trying to give advice for a child you have no idea about.  Obviously the books you’ve read have made you think you’re prepared.  You’re not.  Just wait.  Wait until she can talk and walk and run away from you and pull over a display in the store.  Wait until she doesn’t like you.  I have THREE OLDER CHILDREN.  I’ve done this shit before.  Yeah – I swore – your baby can’t talk yet and I could say shit over and over again and it will not affect her because she’ll never ever see me again.  And yes, close your open jaw, I swore in front of my five-year old who knows better than to repeat it at all.  I was just like you lady – thought I had it all in the bag.  I don’t.  At least I’m smart and experienced enough to KNOW I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.  Good Day.

Yeah – Mood 3 – not one of my finer moments.  Thankfully I was in a different town and will most likely never see this woman again.  God, I hope not.

So I try hard to not give advice unless asked.  Even then I tread cautiously.  Are they really asking for advice or do they want reassurance everyone is as confused and clueless as the next parent.  None of our spawn came with manuals.  None of our spawn are alike.  Some advice is great …. but sometimes …. for the love of Pete …. bite your tongue.

Except – okay – the one and only time I don’t hold back is if I notice your spawn’s eyes aren’t properly aligned.  Eldest Spawn has strabismus and amblyopia caught at age 2.  He’s been patched, had and still has bifocals, and wears glasses to correct his alignment and vision.  If not caught early enough the damage caused can be more severe.  So…that’s the one time I know I’ve crossed the line….but if it helps just one kid……

EJ out – to drive in the Mother Loving Snow to see a visiting friend!!!!!

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(graphic sources : pinterest.com, casaazuldelaribera.es)

Don’t Mess with Mama Monday

Can you feel the steam exploding from my ears?  If not, trust me, global warming has taken a hit in the last 12 hours.

Photo on 3-25-13 at 5.07 PM #2

Eldest Spawn.  You are in a world of trouble.  I’ve been more angry in the past, but wow.  You took it to a new level today – a new deception attempt level.  Note the attempt.  Remember – it was attempted and squashed.  Let this be a lesson.

You blew it.  Big time.  By playing on my biggest fear and consideration for my spawn.

Puke.

Telling me you threw up so you wouldn’t have to go to school.  And then putting shredded wheat on the toilet and telling me there was some “splash back” from when you threw up.  And spilling your cereal on the floor.

You should know my Mom Spidey Sense was atinglin’ – I can smell a lie like a fart in an elevator.  (I think that’s a movie quote….).  I sat there, on the couch adjacent to you, talking to you, listening to the answers, the Mom Spidey Sense tingle getting stronger and stronger.

Then I flat out said, “I don’t believe you.”

You threw yourself dramatically on the couch.  Then about 20 seconds later, fessed up.  You weren’t sick.  You were worried about a test you forgot about.

Oh wow.  Seriously.

Then you had the EVIL AUDACITY to attempt to put it back on me.  “You expect perfection.”

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!  

In no uncertain terms I simply said, “I expect your best effort.”

 

Followed by, “Get your butt on the bus.  You can study during lunch, on the bus, or in-between classes.”

…..

Then I sent him out the door with the knowledge punishment would be coming, hard, swift, and….

creatively.

So far he has lost XBox, iPod, iPad, and Beats privileges for one week.  Oh and computer access other than for school work.  (we’re not spoiled at all….) And next he has to write out 5 punishments and I get to choose 1-3 of them depending on what he comes up with.  And call Dr. Evil (on travel this week) and tell him what he did.  And … he specifically tried to throw out the “Don’t blog about this.”  So….of course I am!

He has just read this.  Tried unsuccessfully to edit or delete parts.  I felt the need to sit on him and show him who is boss.

As you see, this Evil Mama reigns supreme.

 

I am seriously angry.  This is not something acceptable in my lair.  In a while, we’ll laugh about it.  Right now…he’s doing chores and will be doing more chores in the upcoming days.  And will think twice about ever telling me he’s sick again because unless I see puke leaving his body or he has a raging temperature – he’s going to school.  Every freaking day.

Schmuck.

 

EJ out – to get that list and have fun picking out punishments.

Take a minute and give this Evil Mama some support.  Click on the juggling lady to cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!

 

And go visit Snarkfest and buy “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

Happy Easter?

I’ve always been one to decorate my house for holidays.  I have 20 gallon totes labeled for most holidays.  Some holidays only rate one tote – Thanksgiving.  Others three – Halloween (but then some of the Halloween double for Thanksgiving).  Christmas of course – at least 12 totes.

Well, lately I’ve not been so big on decorating.  Clutter, mess, and I don’t know….just don’t want to.

Then yesterday.  Littlest Spawn and I were wandering around a store when we saw…these.

Quick warning – these may incite nightmares in some…well…everyone.

Take a carrot My Pretty!

Take a carrot My Pretty!

 

It can't be morning yet!  I still need to sleep off my hangover.

It can’t be morning yet! I still need to sleep off my hangover.

 

And what the heck?  Ancient Tinker Bell who went on a few too many benders?

And what the heck? Ancient Tinker Bell who went on a few too many benders?

So…when decorating for the holidays- whatever holidays you celebrate or observe …

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T BUY THESE THINGS unless you’re out to scare the bejeezus out of your spawn.  Then…buy more than one of each and set up a scene for them to wake up to and scare the living snot out of them…..hmmmm….I think I need to go shopping.

EJ out – to get ready to face below zero wind chill on the first day of Spring!

Click on that flashing, juggling lady there on the upper right.  Doing so casts a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Help me get back up in the standings….please!!!!

Also, check out my facebook page – Evil Joy Speaks exciting news about upcoming happenings.

Evil Toys are Taking Control….

A while back I wrote about our doll houses inspired by a  post from The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.  (And she’s a part of that new book all the cool kids are getting “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”)

Here’s a small recap of that…..through pictures….

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Y’all remember Evil Scary Baby Girl/Boy right?  She gave several of you nightmares…..

Well…they’re BAAACCCCKKKKKKKK!

And now…the Evil Spawn of the Doll House are ruling the world….Muwahahahahah!

Breaking New in the Lair of Evil Joy….beep beep beep …. you know…the sound of breaking news…….

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As you can see the spawn have gathered.  With their nanny.  And with the newly brain washed toys joining their Evil Little Posse.  I believe Evil Scary American Girl Doll is in charge.  I’m sure as hell not about to question her authority.

The Fairy God Mothers are currently trapped on a partition of the roof.  Their magic powers are inactive from this part of the roof.  They are helpless to stop what is happening in the main house.

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All animals have been banished to the actual roof.  Although they’d support the Evil Spawn I’m sure.  Probably just making sure they don’t go all zombie and eat the … wait…..you’ll have to read about that….  I’m certain the Evil Spawn will offer them food and water later.  The Evil Spawn don’t seem the type to let them bake to death in the sun.  Hello Kitty and the Easter Bunny seem pretty agile so if they do get trapped, I’m sure all will be rescued.  Plus, Littlest Spawn is an animal lover.

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The following pictures may be disturbing to some of my readers.  Parental guidance is required.

The carnage may only be properly described with pictures….Daddy #1 fought the hardest….he was the first to go over….

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After Daddy #1 was out of the way, all of the parental figures were ‘dealt with’ in a similar manner…..

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Take note of Pinkilicious cheering – she’s an Evil Little Bag.  And the toddlers are full of happy “I tossed my parents over the railing” smiles.  I’m fairly certain Evil American Girl Doll’s hair grows more poofy with each kill.

So watch out parental figure dolls.  You’ve seen what can happen with the spawn rule the doll house.

Just in case you’re wondering…Littlest Spawn and I had a belly busting laughing time tossing those parents over the edge.  Then the Little People ambulance came to rescue them…and bury them in the doll box.  Never to be heard from again.  Until she wants to play with them.

EJ out – to borrow Eldest Spawn’s snowboard without his permission.  We have fresh powder….can’t miss this opportunity!  My board is unavailable at this time so…..lucky for me he’s about the same height as me!!!!  His stance is wider, but I’ll live…and have fun!  Bawahahaha!

Take a minute and help me out!  Evil Joy has slipped to #34 in the Humor Blogs category – #34!!?!?!?!?!?  I was in the top 10 for a long time.  I need to get back there.  I want to get back…Please help me get back there!!!  Click on the flashing banner below.  I’m going to put the juggling lady back because it seems more IN YOUR FACE PLEASE VOTE FOR ME than the flashing banner.  Look for her return.  But in the mean time, click THE BANNER!  PLEASE!!!

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