The Top 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Ask Evil Joy to Pet Sit For You
I’m kind of the go-to-gal in my circle of friends if you need something done. Your house cleaned? No problem. Your kids need a hang out before school? I got that. Need a ride somewhere for you or your child? Sure! I’m probably heading that way today anyhow!
However, if you need a pet sitter, you should consider the following:
1. I have run over a dog. My dog. In my garage. I ran over his precious little head and killed him. I joked about taking a hit out on him or paying someone else to run him over. But I was the one. (And I firmly stand by my conviction he committed suicide. Really. I’m serious. Here’s a post about that….)
2. I recently took my child and two of her rats to the vet. We had the rats put to sleep. (They were sick beyond healing – like way past gone.) And I told her I buried them. But did I? I’ll never tell… except on Facebook where I admitted they may have left the property in a large truck … that comes once a week. (And here’s a post about that….)
3. Then we have the 30 gallon fish tank. And the fish that called that tank home. And when we moved, a fish so wanted to get away from me it committed suicide by jumping out of the transporting tank and flopped around in the moving truck I was driving. I knew it had jumped out but was unable to stop and save the little buddy. I was in rush hour traffic in a freaking moving truck.
4. Speaking of little buddies, there were the mice in my compost bin I murdered. I went to stir my compost and there was a mouse family living in there. I grabbed a pitch fork (yes, I live in the midwest and actually own a pitch fork) and started stabbing those suckers. Although to my credit as I stabbed them one after another I apologized, “I’m so sorry little buddy!” And then I flung its lifeless body out in the wild grasses beyond my invisible fence border. After all, I didn’t need the dogs bringing my little buddies into the house. (And here’s post about this….)
5. And then there’s the countless stuffed victims. All of the stuffed animals I have shoved and crammed into plastic garbage bags, depriving them of air and light, and carted off to Goodwill. They are the nameless ones. The truly innocent victims carelessly kicked to the curb by yours truly.
So if you need a pet sitter, call “Four Pups and Worm.” Not me. Don’t call Evil Joy. She kills pets. Of all kinds.
But you can trust her with your kids…. bawahahahahahahahahaha.
EJ out – to take care of my spawn. I mean really take care of them like prepping their lunch and brushing their hairs.
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