As a woman, I am strong and proud. I am loud. I am good at many things. I am pretty.
At least this is what I hear from people who observe me.
As a woman, I feel weak, scared, unsure, and unattractive.
When the shit hits the fan, I’m your girl. I will do what has to be done. I will accomplish feats not intended for humans, let alone a married mother of 4. When the storm finally calms, I’m not anyone’s girl. I don’t even want to be my own. I fall apart. I break down. I doubt everything decision I made in the middle of the storm. I over-think the things I did and said…and even thought. My inability to find peace in past situations is extreme. I rehash everything looking for fault so I can justify beating myself up mentally. I twist and turn things to place blame on myself.
Perspective is a very strange beast. Yes, beast.
When Dr. Evil was in a coma, I sat by his side. I mean all the time. I didn’t leave the hospital floor for 11 days. When I finally did leave the floor I got a little more bold and went outside for a walk. I started to find my current normal and was able to walk and get a glass of water and not fear he would be dead when I returned. And if his counts changed while I was gone, I finally figured out it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t for lack of prayers. It wasn’t for lack of support on my part. It wasn’t …. anyone or anything’s fault. It . Just . Was .
In all the time I was sitting I was afraid to read too much on-line. Everything I read was devastating. Everything I read was scary. Everything I read….was awful. So I stopped. I started reading The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva religiously. I even emailed her and she responded. I started writing on Facebook to keep everyone informed – or so I told myself. It was more because I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to ‘retell’ the ‘story’ anymore. This was my reality and people bothering me were screwing it up even more.
Then Evil Joy was hatched. It was sort of ridiculous. It was absolutely ridiculous – who makes fun of people when they’re in a come? I’ll tell you who…
People who love them who are trying to survive.
I imagined him waking up and being extremely grateful to be alive and gushy with me. Okay folks – when has Dr. Evil been gushy? Ever? I imagined him waking up and us having this amazing take on things – this second chance not to be wasted. I imagined all sorts of things. Except what happened.
He woke up. He was confused. He thought it was November 17th. We didn’t even come to the hospital until November 20th. And it was actually December 1st.
He couldn’t move his arms or legs. I didn’t even think of these things. I was just hoping his brain didn’t suffer from the infection the way his body was. I was just glad he was awake.
He was fine. He learned to use his arms again, legs again, and returned to his almost normal self. In amazing speed. We initially were hoping to be home by Valentine’s Day. Dr. Evil was released on Christmas Day.
Dr. Evil has never been a man of many words. He said even fewer. And he was grumpy. And tired. And working so hard. He was affectionate with the spawn. He was patient with other people. He was polite sometimes.
I was trying to be happy and thankful and just glad he was alive. He could be grumpy with me and not say thank you for anything and assume I knew these things. Yeah…I’ve gotten over being a doormat through this experience. Dr. Evil never thought of me as a doormat – I did. He thought I understood he was appreciative.
Sorry dude. I’m a girl who needs to hear things. I need to hear that I look nice and I’m doing a good job with the spawn. I need to hear I’m appreciated. And not just in regards to being sick. In life. I need to hear these things on a regular basis. Even after 16 years of marriage, 4 spawn, 2 houses, 4 dogs, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Some people are very sure of themselves and need no outside reassurance or praise.
I. Am. Not. One. Of. Those. People.
I’ve stopped wishing I was one of those people. I’ve accepted I am who I am. And it’s okay. Except when it’s not.
Evil Joy will return with the normal Evil Joy posts later today. I felt like writing what I wanted to write and not trying to write something someone might want to read. SO…. if this wasn’t your cup of tea – add some lemons and come back later.