Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Bragging Letter….

So…People I Want to Punch in the Throat has this amazing blog post (not just a post but the entire blog of course!!!) had this contest about entering either real or fake ‘brag’ letters.  I didn’t win but was fortunate to be listed among those submitting entries.  I am going to write a slightly real, slightly fake letter here.

Again – this is slightly real and slight FAKE.  Fake people.  Funny.  Fake.  For Fun.  Do not email me and slam me for this later.  I will unfriend your Evil Self and no longer pretend to like you.  I will then be forced to write a post and call you out on your Evil Lack Of Humor.

Merry Christmas 2012 from the Hedding Household!

This year has been a doosey of a year.  If any of you noticed or didn’t, we didn’t send out a single Christmas card last year or write any silly letter to go along with it.  I forced you all to read along with our trials, tribulations, and triumphs on Facebook and Caring Bridge and then on my blog…www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com.

In November of last year – 2011 – Dr. Evil decided to try to get away from the nagging of his wonderful wife and kick the bucket by contracting a staph infection that turned septic and caused kidney, heart, and liver failure, staph pneumonia, and rhabdomyolysis in his legs.  You know….there are easier ways to get a break from me.  After a 10 day stint on life support, he decided to come back and play again and only needed another 4 weeks in the hospital to learn to walk and take care of himself before coming home on Christmas Day.

December was sort of tanked because of Dr. Evil being sick.  A very sincere (and completely real) thank you from the bottom of my soul to all of those who helped us out in every way possible from bringing us meals, cleaning our home, shoveling our walk…..taking care of my family and those taking care of my spawn.  And for being there for me when I needed help more than I ever realized.  You.Are.Amazing.  I am forever thankful and will forever be paying it forward for all the good done for me and my family.  Thank you doesn’t begin to cover it.  But it’s all I got folks.  If I won the lottery, I’d be passing it out to all of you.  Thank you so very much.

January arrived.  Evil Joy learned much about at home nursing and how to administer IV meds for Dr. Evil.  And care for feet.  And hands.  And remove nails.  And dead skin.  And treat remaining skin.  And head pressure wounds.  Damn, I should get an honorary RN degree for this.  Or paid.  Paid would be good.

February was much of the same.  Dr. Evil improved and healed to the point of being able to go back to work part-time.  Dr. Evil’s wonderful co-workers threw an amazing benefit for us.  We have insurance but the bills are still pretty impressive and the benefit paid for a large portion of the unexpected bills and made up for Evil Joy not making any moolah while taking care of Dr. Evil.  And then…Evil Joy went out for a day of well deserved fun.  And broke the Evil Wrist.  Both bones.  Bubble wrap anyone?

March led to more of a return to normal life.  Naught rotten spawn, spring break in Chicago, Physical Therapy for Evil Joy and Dr. Evil both….  Chicago was a major return to normalcy for our family.  It really began the track of returning to the same old day in day out stuff.

April, May, June.  May sort of sucked.  Evil Joy ran over Fizzgig the Dog and killed him.  His poor little body is buried in our yard.  He is now known as Smooshie in our home because we have to laugh a little or Evil Joy cries about killing the damn dog.  (and yes, this really did happen)  Boosters again ruled our world.  Dr. Evil is very active in Boosters and the spawn all play Booster ball (except Littlest Spawn who is too young).  Both Eldest Spawn and Eldest Female Spawn broke several world records with their amazing ball playing skills.  The college recruiters are fighting over them already at the ages of 12, 10, and 7.

July held more of the same and the addition of a RV to the Hedding Household.  Evil Joy hates camping with a violent passion.  This is a nice middle ground to allow the family to remain in tact and for Evil Joy to actually enjoy sleeping ‘outside’ with air conditioning and heat.

August was fun.

September rocked because School Started and Evil Joy did the most amazing Happy Dance!  Dancing with the Stars is currently in negotiations with the now famous Evil Joy, begging her to become the next celebrity on their show.

October, November – all good.  Dr. Evil took Evil Joy away and they were Dr. Evil and Wild Joy and got tattoos and drinks in Key West.  Only one tattoo, but many many drinks.  Evil Joy decided to get Burton the puppy and all were forced to fall in love or Evil Joy was going to Evil Freaking Crazy on anyone who chose not to fall in love with Burton the puppy.

December has arrived and I’m pleased to say we’re back to our normal dysfunctional family ways.  Evil Joy dictated our family will snowboard from here forward (as she bought her board the day after breaking her arm….and is telling EVERYONE about that….just ask Dr. Evil.)

So…here’s to a great 2013.  We’re hoping for no more close calls with death, broken bones, or dysfunctional family relationships.  Hope you all have good luck in those areas as well.

 

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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Dr. Evil, Evil Joy, Eldest Spawn, Eldest Female Spawn, Second Eldest Female Spawn, Littlest Spawn, Shadow the Dog, and Burton the Puppy.

2 Comments

  1. Oh, very interesting story. Thanks!!!

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