Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Category: PTSD, PPD (page 2 of 4)

This is Progress.

It’s been a while since I talked about Dr. Evil being sick. I view this as progress and consider it a success. A couple of things have happened that took me “back” but I haven’t stayed there. Not back. Not anymore. Here’s what progress is for me….

A few weekends ago, I felt all the old ick resurface. Now I have the skills to deal with the feelings that slam me….but the emotions still take my breath away for a time.

Saturday the girls found the cane Dr. Evil used while recuperating. It made my skin crawl to see that thing. I know most view items like this as just that….a thing. For me, in that moment, that cane took me to helping Dr. Evil around the house, watching him struggle to walk, seeing him exhausted after walking three steps. The girls were playing with the cane, transforming it into a crutch and making pretend casts. I smiled and watched them play from a distance. I didn’t want to engage and inspect the “broken leg.”

Then they gave it to Dr. Evil and he leaned on it. I looked at him and said, “No. Don’t do that.” I walked away. I was instantly grumpy – my defense mechanism. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

And then…..it was okay.

Today the cane is still about in the house. I finally told the girls I would rather they play with it somewhere else. A year ago I would have thrown it away and cried. Today I asked them to move it and went on with my day.

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Life is good. We’re all good. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t thank my lucky stars for my family. Days go by where I don’t think about what could have happened – but didn’t.

This is progress.

Get Back To It

I hate sirens. M’kay?

I have heard more sirens, seen more ambulances, witnessed more medical personnel offering assistance, and observed people needing medical attention in the past few days than in several months combined.

I’m dealing. From the outside I’m doing fine. Observed by friends as being “just fine.” Progress – at least I can appear to be fairly normal.

Inside I’m cringing, crying, and trying to hold my hands from pulling on my hair. Still progress – I’m not actually doing any of these things.

I thought I was over this. I thought these types of reactions and feelings were part of my past, no longer able to interfere with my present. Until recently reactions brought on by sirens have been extremely minimal or nonexistent.

I’m not reliving, I’m not wallowing. I having a visceral reaction to the sounds of sirens. My heart races, my mouth goes dry, and I feel like I’m going to vomit. I curl my hands and crack my knuckles. I walk quietly with my head down. I hyper focus on those around me and try to concentrate on the words coming out of their mouths.

I don’t hear or comprehend any of it.

I nod.  I smile. I engage.

I get past it.

But typing this out, I’m sitting in a room full of friends watching television, trying my damnedest not to cry. I’m on vacation in one of my favorite cities in the United States. I should be focused on the moment, enjoying this amazing weekend.

And I am.

Except when I’m not.

My new goal : Experience whatever feelings I’m having, let them go, and get back to living.


Because living is what it’s all about.



Dr. Evil was created by a stupid virus.  I can’t take it back.  I can’t wish it away.

I want to travel back and somehow prevent Dr. Evil from getting sick. But since I can’t time travel I’m trying to move forward instead of looking back.  That doesn’t mean I don’t look back.  That past events don’t creep into my present.  Or affect my attitudes and moods.

If you’re new here….the quick and dirty version is one day three years Dr. Evil didn’t feel well.  The next day he was on life support.  In an induced coma.  For 10 days.  A septic staph infection led to kidney, heart, and liver failure.  Staph pneumonia.  Rhabdomyolysis.  And all the fun things that go along with all of that.  He got better when many thought he wouldn’t.  Even had a doctor tell me she expected to attend a funeral not hear about recovery.  Dr. Evil learned to walk again and went home about 5 weeks later.  He spent the next few months recuperating and I spent the next few months in crisis mode.

When Dr. Evil returned to work and returned to normal, I fell into a million pieces.  I didn’t know how to function since crisis mode was no longer necessary.  I started seeing a therapist.  And have been in therapy ever since.

So today is the day it all started.  An anniversary if you will.

And I’m not sure how I feel.

One minute I look and realize how amazing my life is right now.  Dr. Evil is healthy and happy.  He is completely recovered and has ZERO issues from all that happened to him.  Our children are great.  I have met amazing people.  I’ve started this blog and made my way into not one but two books.  I have learned to speak my mind and stand up for myself in ways I never could before.  My family has snowboarding because of all of this.  We will always have that together.  I have amazing friends that have become family.

The next minute I panic.  Dr. Evil has a cold right now.  Doesn’t he know he IS NEVER AGAIN ALLOWED TO BE SICK IN ANY WAY OR FASHION????  He’s away on travel.  I can’t be there to control anything.  What if…what if…what if.

The next minutes I’m pissed.  WHY DID HE GET SICK!?!  WHY AM I STILL SO SCREWED UP ABOUT IT?!?!?!  Why isn’t he screwed up about it at all?

The next minute I’m nervous.  I know there are people who judge me about my reactions to this whole thing and even more so for being ‘public’ about it.  People I don’t even know in real life!

Then I’m thankful.  I’m thankful we have a second chance at…everything.

Then I’m happy.  Life is good.

Did I mention this all can happen in the matter of a few minutes?  Multiple times a day?

And there are days I don’t even think about any of it anymore.

Then…there’s today.

D-Day in my mind.

I can’t take it back.  I can’t change the past.  I’m so thankful it’s a distant memory for Dr. Evil.  It’s becoming less of a nightmare for me. That sounds dramatic.

There are days I’m dramatic about the whole thing.  There are days I refuse to talk about any of it.  There are days I don’t shut up about it…even when it’s more than obvious that I should.  Many times I’m passive aggressive and super snarky.  I know Dr. Evil wasn’t ‘there’ for the worst of it and I was.  We did not have the same experience during the same situation.

Not. Even. Close.

I’m not very understanding many times.  For a long time he didn’t talk about it at all.  Now and again he mentions it.  I don’t always know what to do or say and usually end up in defensive mode.  I want him to talk about it but then when he does I’m not ‘there’ for him.  When I talk about it I feel like I’m annoying him or don’t get the validating I’m seeking about my role the past few years.  It’s a weird dance to navigate.

HIs illness and recovery is a part of my reality.  But just a part.  Not the whole.

And not the most prominent part.  Not even close.

But for today…and the next few days….it is.

I’m can’t help it.  I’m done apologizing for it.  Thanksgiving is hard for me.  That seems counterintuitive.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have a miracle in my life.  I know this.  I embrace this.  But just a few years ago I spent Thanksgiving Day eating a dinner prepared by friends and family in an ICU meeting room wondering if Dr. Evil was going to live or die.  I refused to think or even entertain the possibility of him not making it.  But it was a very real possibility.

Today is a day.  Just another day.  And one day…this anniversary will be just another day.  But I kind of hope not.  I hope it changes into a day I only rejoice in.

That day will come.  I am hopeful.  I’m working towards my happy.

I will find it.

Fear No More

As I sit surrounded by the sounds of laughter and heart warming chatter of a quaint coffee shop I can write about a fear. A fear I don’t have to face anymore.


I used to be afraid of thinking about what my life would be if something happened to my husband or children.

I’ve faced that fear. Not by choice. And you know what? I came out the other side.

Almost three years ago Dr. Evil got sick. Really sick. Life support sick. Almost died sick.

It sucked. I don’t have words to describe the experience although I’ve tried. Many times.

Life threw us a curve ball most fear and no one expects.

But we came out the other side. Wiser. Thankful. More aware of mortality. Less focused on the silly things. Point is ….. we came out the other side.

I’ve made some absolutely amazing friends. I’ve folded many people into my “family.” Family is thicker than simply blood. And I’ve grown as a person. I strive to be better.

I no longer worry incessantly about the wellbeing of my children. Instead I work at being a better parent. A better partner. A better person. To be more. While learning to just ….. be. Those statements may seem in direct conflict with each other. But one thing overcoming my fear taught me was I must focus some on myself in order to be more. To be a better wife and parent.

As fall approaches I am nervous. I think I may always be but only time will tell. November and December are tough months for me.

But they are also months filled with miracles. Dr. Evil got sick BUT HE ALSO GOT BETTER during these months too. (And many of the following months too!)

It’s taken me a few years to deal with my fear. I do still worry. What parent or spouse doesn’t? But fear no longer dictates my every thought, every breath.

I just try to live for today and make the most of it.

EJ out – to love this Friday with snow forecasted!!! SNOWBOARDING SOON!!! 🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂

Thanks to Small Talk Mama for this awesome subject. I only did one fear but it was a doozie so I hope that’s okay!!!!

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 14 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My subject is “What are some fears from your past that no longer frighten you?”. It was submitted by http://www.smalltalkmama.com Small Talk Mama .

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado
http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools
http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com The Bergham’s Life Chronicles
http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks
http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://www.silenceofthemom.blogspot.com Silence of the Mom
http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com Climaxed
http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ Sparkly Poetic Weirdo
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com Crumpets and Bollocks
http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom
http://www.smalltalkmama.com Small Talk Mama

Double Dip…Stigma Fighters and Use Your Words

Today I’m double dipping.  I’ve got a post up that is important to me.

Not knowing exactly when it was going up ….. I also committed to Use Your Words.

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So today…I’m integrating these two.


You’re going to find highlights (and low points) of my ‘story’ today on a post at Old School/New School Mom in a series she has called Stigma Fighters.  I realize I’m sharing a very intimate part of my life with complete strangers. But that’s what fighting stigma is about.

When you deal with mental health issues, if feels as though your mind is broken.  And there is stigma associated with admitting there’s a problem.  It doesn’t make you a weak person.  It doesn’t make you a loser.  In fact, when you seek help it shows the world just how strong you can be.  And maybe, just maybe, you’ll give another the courage to do the same.  It could mean the difference between life and death.

You deal with your health issues when they seem simple – like a cold or a sprained ankle.  Why should keeping your mind healthy be any different?  Realizing you need help is hard.  I didn’t see it when I was in the thick of the worst.  It took Dr. Evil telling me something was wrong after I had my second child and a minor car accident.  My reaction was over the top.  Way over the top.

But I sought help.  And over the years I’ve learned to follow my instincts when I sense I’m not on a good path.   And I’ve learned to deal with many of the issues that cause me to trigger.

At the end of the day….I’m a happy, healthy person.  And I can say that now because I’m dealing with my demons.  I have issues, but who doesn’t?

And now….I’m working to break the stigma.   Check out the post over at Old School/New School Mom.


Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

I’m using:               Highlights, complete stranger, mind, and follow your instincts

They were submitted by:          Confessions of a part-time working mom


YOU MUST READ her blog!  And all of the others!  I have SPOKEN.  And I’m the all powerful EVIL JOY.  Do as I command….or I’ll go EVIL ON YOUR ARSE.

(I had to throw that in….I’m normally sort of a cheeky blogger who is more humorous than serious…..don’t want people to miss that side of me!!!)



Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

http://bakinginatornado.com                       Baking In A Tornado

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                Battered Hope

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/              Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com            Someone Else’s Genius

http://fbxadventures.blogspot.com                 FBX Adventures (In Parenting)

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/            Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/        Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.outmannedmommy.com                 Outmanned

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com           Evil Joy Speaks

http://www.healingtomato.com                        Healing Tomato

http://themomisodes.com                           The Momisodes
http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com              Juicebox Confession

MILFs and other fun topics

If the title if this post didn’t warn you, this post is intended for a mature audience. Or rather an audience over the age of 16. I just chose a random age. It’s meant for grown ups. Don’t read it with your children.

Get it? Got it? Good. Now on with it.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

All right stop, Collaborate and listen
MILFs are back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
MILFs with a breast pump daily and nightly
Will they ever stop? Yo – I don’t know
Turn off the pump The MILFs will blow
To the extreme MILFs rock a babe like a pro.
Light up a room and milk a boob like a pro.

A group of women got together last Friday. We had laughs. We had wine. Lots of wine.

We decided that we as women needed to celebrate ourselves. We started by going around the table and stating things we are good at.

“I’m a good friend.”
“I’m good at cleaning.”
“I’m getting better at taking care of myself so I can be a MILF.”


The conversation continued and the wine flowed like a river ….at least for me. I kept adding to my glass as did a new friend. Pinot Grigio. Or as I taught the ladies …. Greasy Penis. (My friend Snarkfest shared that with me. Easy way to remember when sending someone else out shopping for your wine. )

After we all made our way home and had a great night’s sleep the conversation continued via group text.

Here’s the list of hashtags we came up with :

Tonight was wonderful, awful, hard and beautiful.
The things we dealt with didn’t define us tonight. We just were friends drinking wine.

We were just women.
Laughing together.
Supporting each other.


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It’s time. Time for #TToT. Aka Ten Things of Thankful by the awesome Lizzie!!!

So here goes!!!

1. Thankful for Lizzie. ‘Nuf said.

2. Super happy I got to go see my grandma. She’s 94 and amazing.


3. Very thankful she understood she’ll be staying with my aunt and uncle from now on.

4. Thankful I can be grumpy with Dr. Evil about going on travel.

5. I’m extra thankful for the time spent with my mom and dad this weekend!

6. And this little guy!


7. Thankful for safe travels to and from Iowa!

8. And for Dr. Evil’s willing participation in such silliness as….


9. For tree trimming and farting Santas.







10. Thankful I can write this….

Let me tell you a tale. Once upon a time there was a young woman named Evil Joy. She stood by her Dr. Evil day and night for 10 long days while he fought against a staph infection. One that caused him to experience kidney, liver, and heart failure. Staph pneumonia. Rhabdomyolysis. And because of all of that he was placed in a coma to let his body heal. That meant a ventilator. Continuous dialysis. Tubes and IV. Everywhere.

Until 2 years ago today. Two years ago today he woke up. This is where the story gets good.

You see, Dr. Evil is an engineer. A techno gadget geek. MY techno gadget geek. A very bright individual. So smart it’s actually a little scary and/or intimidating even after 20+ years together.

Now when one has been in a coma for 10 days one’s muscles forget how to work. Legs and arms don’t move as they should.

This didn’t stop Dr. Evil from seeing the info board from his hospital bed. From seeing the date. 01 December 2011.

The day he qualified for a new phone.

THE new 4S iPhone from Apple.

“Give me the iPad!” he exclaims.

“What do you need?!?” I questioned back alarmed. “Your arms are not .. ummm. Not working quite right yet.”

“Just give it to me!”

“Tell me what you want and I’ll take care of it!” I said getting annoyed and then feeling guilt as he’s been awake for about 2 seconds.

“I qualify for my new phone. I want to order it now!”

Oh!!! I can deal with that!!! And here we were worried about his brain.

It’s all good. My techno gadget geek is as geeky as ever!

Can you believe Apple didn’t pick this up for a commercial?!?!? In a coma one minute. Demanding to order newest Apple product the next?!?!?

Their loss man. Their loss.

But I’m open to selling it now…..hint hint #apple #iphone #storyforsale

EJ out – waiting to hear from Apple. Shameless pleading is awesome right?!?


All week long I’ve been trying to come with up with something witty and fun to write about.

Instead of what’s in my head.

That means nothing has arrived via blog for a while.

What’s in my head is dark.  And scary.  And nothing new.  But it’s there.  And I’m working through it.  I don’t like to post about it on Facebook much because of some of the strange responses I get from people I know and those I don’t know.

I don’t know what’s going on in your head or how you deal with your emotions.  I don’t try to decide how to deal with them for you.  I don’t tell you what to do, how to do it, or when to do it.  In all honesty, I may think these things at times, but unless asked, I’m not preaching at you.  At least I hope not.

So I would like the same.  I know it gets old.  I know I’m sick of myself.  I’m sick of being bothered by Dr. Evil’s spawning.  Trust me.  I wish and am excited for the day my dreams don’t wake with me images of him in a coma or of his feet or the sounds of the machines that kept him alive.  I’m praying for the day I don’t think the worst when the clinic or hospital call with information that many times doesn’t even relate to him.  I’m anxious for the day when I can see people and not be reminded of what happened or failed to happen while he was sick.  I’m ready for the day to arrive where I can leave with my house a mess and not panic he’ll get sick again.

I know my path is so much easier than most.  We have a great life.  I know that.  I treasure that.  Immensely.  More than you know.

I also have learned to be okay with my path taking some turns and me having to work through those turns.  My turns are not as intense as some.  But they are MY turns.  My issues.  My struggles.

And I’m dealing with it in MY way.

So as tomorrow is one of the harder days of the year for me I challenge you to be kind to those around you. I challenge you to do one nice thing for someone. Just one. Even a kind word. A kind thought instead if a mean one. Be a positive force for the world instead of a stagnant or negative one.

Do it.

Or I’ll go Evil on your Arse.

EJ out – to watch Matchmaker Santa for the fourth and amazingly wonderful time.

Absence Makes the Heart…

Grow fonder?  Right – you’ve all missed me right?  Say yes, please – my fragile ego would love that.

Well, absence makes my heart beat like a wild and crazy thing afraid it’s going to stop.

Yes, it’s that time of year again folks.  The “anniversary” of Dr. Evil’s ‘birth.’ degree earning spawning.

And he’ll be in Germany on the three days that rock my world.  Making new and happy memories.  Wait – he doesn’t have many memories of those three days – just feeling like crap for a day or two and then that’s it until December 1st.  (And that post – the one for December 1st – is going to rock folks – I’m planning it already.)

I will be here.  With our spawn.  Trying to make fun new memories.

While not reliving the bad ones.  At least not over and over.  And over.

There’s the 19th – we had the birthday party for Eldest Female Spawn – he was miserable.  There’s the 20th – it was a Sunday and he felt like a mac truck ran him over.  Then there’s the 21st.  The day they put him in a coma.  For a LONG FREAKING 10 days.  And that was 2 years ago.  One day, hopefully soon, I won’t be ruled during these days by fear but will rejoice in the new memories made.  Be more thankful than fearful.  More “look what we’ve done in the time since ‘then.'”  More “oh yeah – that one time in November we went on this amazing trip – and oh yeah – it did coincide with the days he got sick – I didn’t realize those days lined up again….”

This year – I’m so thankful because I’m fearful if I’m not thankful enough….something bad will happen.

I know this isn’t true.  But that doesn’t stop the thought from rolling around in my head.  Especially after he pulled this one on me last winter.  With some of the same symptoms he experienced the previous year.

December 1st felt like Christmas two years ago.  Last year it was a huge sigh of relief.  He’d been ‘awake’ for a year.  A full year.

This year I think it’ll feel like Christmas and my birthday all combined into one.  And Dr. Evil – as the gift giving time of year is approaching – I’ve sent you a picture of what I want for Christmas/Anniversary/Birthday/Valentine’s Day.  It’s easy – it’s pretty inexpensive – in fact – it’s super inexpensive as it would take care of 4 gift giving opportunities.  This is just like an infomercial!!!   (And by the way – yes – all those wonderful days do occur between Christmas and Valentine’s Day.)

It’s the wedding band that matches the ones we wear.  Just like the one I wear.  And the extra one I wore for a month while he was sick and then recovering.  His.  And I never want to have to wear his again.  Ever.

Now…he’d better always plan on wearing his from that day forward or I’ll go Total Evil Joy on his arse.  Can you imagine the action figure?!

So this year, I’m making new happy memories.  We are going out to pizza.  They are going to bed.  I’m drinking wine.  That’s a start, right?


EJ out – to try to keep my dog from eating my spawns’ lunch boxes.


I’ve fallen out of the Top 25 Humor Blogs yet again!?!  Can you help a girl out – click on the juggling lady there on the upper right.  You’ll be casting a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!  Let’s keep that Evil Joy Action Figure in the bag and not force her creation just yet….the teenage years are approaching in force here…got to have something in the bag.

I'm Being Brave and Sharing ….

My love of Christmas decorations in the stores.

There.  I said it.

I Love Christmas Decorations in all the Stores.

I Love Christmas music on the radio 24/7.  I love the ads.  I love the lights.  I love the music on in the stores.  I love the bell ringers.  I love Regions the Elf.


I do wish it would wait until after Halloween.  But my heart does a little happy dance when I see the big lit up trees in Target or Wal-Mart…Walgreens or County Market.  Knowing today the world as we experience it here in our town and the near by Twin Cities of St. Paul and Minneapolis will be about all things red, green, bright, and light.

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite.  It’s not so much anymore.  I actually would be happy to skip it all together.  But that’s for another blog post.

I was a staunch supporter of “No Christmas Decor until after Thanksgiving!” for many years.  Then, we had spawn and started traveling with said spawn.  Now, we usually do the decorations the weekend before Thanksgiving so Thanksgiving Day and the days following are all about having fun, relaxing, and enjoying each other.

Because in my house there are 20 totes of Christmas Decorations.  All in their happy little red and green bins.  (Halloween has three totes, Thanksgiving has one tote, Easter has three totes, St. Patrick’s Day and Valentine’s Day share one tote (I know – it’s a travesty!) and summer has its own tote.)  Christmas decorations are stored separately under the stairs so they don’t block all the other totes.  I adore my house but there is so little storage it’s sort of ridiculous!  Keeps me from being a hoarder though.  Of all things.  Except…Christmas Decorations.

I feel a renewed sense of excited about Christmas.  I’m actually Looking Forward to getting out my decorations.  I’m not fearful like I was last year.  (And my totes have increased from 12 to 20….organization and a Mom who loves to hand down her things – and she makes me look like a slacker when it comes to the love of all things Christmas!)

I’m not dreading the mess.  Dr. Evil won’t be earning another PhD. mid-decorating.  He will not get sick and be in a coma like two years ago.  He will not show many of the same symptoms and end up sick like last year.

Or I’ll have to beat him up with Christmas dancing animals (we have a large, LARGE collection) and tie him up with strings of half burnt out lights.  And then let the Halloween sugar crazed spawn attack.

So there world.  I have shared my secret.  My secret love of all the things that drive many crazy.  I LOVE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!

Until Christmas night (which is around 29 December at my house – we travel…what can I say?).  When that shit is down and put away before bed so December 30th dawns with a clean and tidy house!

Let the red, green, light, and bright puking of decor BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!


EJ out – to stop the unfair trading practices occurring in my kitchen.  Halloween candy wars begin…..NOW!


I’m falling out of the top 20 Humor Blogs again at Top Mommy Blogs!  Help me out!  Click on the juggling lady up there on the right.  On a mobile device, view full post, scroll to the bottom and there you’ll find the juggling lady to click upon!  THANK YOU!!!!

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