I’ve decided Evil Joy needs a blog.  Evil Joy must be heard…well…read.  I’m grabbing all the Evil Joy posts from Facebook so i don’t lose them.

Evil Joy was a voice when I couldn’t use the voice I had.  Came to life when Brent got sick.  Has to stay alive to give me a sometimes humorous, sometimes serious, and other times, a completely ridiculous view on life and the daily events in my wonderful crazy life.

Here Goes…..From the beginning….

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26 Nov 2011

Evil Joy here with a sarcastic update for my followers: As many of you know Brent has a short beard and I strongly dislike it!!!!! Well. Another wonderful person here at the hospital that I know from Hudson mentioned the first thing she does to her ICU men is shave off those beards. I looked at her and smiled a conspiratory grin. And his nurse for the day said he’d try to get to it if he can. If not “She’ll be back tonight!”

Off with the beard I say!

27 Nov 2011

Evil Joy here with sarcastic update #2 for my loyal followers: The beard has walked the plank. It’s left the building. We said “see ya later alligator” and it couldn’t say anything back because IT IS GONE!!!!!!!! Bawhahahahahahahah!

Now Evil Joy’s focus must shift……where will it land? Stay tuned to find out.

29 Nov 2011

Evil Joy here with sarcastic update number 3 and 4 for my loyal captivated followers:

#3 – the beard …. Well the beard tried to begin a frontal assault on Brent chin and cheeks, however the army of evil joy prevailed and showed that stubble who IS boss!

#4 – the individual who wanted to get Brent’s signature to approve me signing for him because he can’t. Now….let’s just think about that a minute. Ddduuuuuhhhhhhhh. She’ll have to check with her supervisor. As will I…….as will I……

01 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with sarcastic update number 5 for my captivated and loyal followers: where oh where shall my focus fall tonight? I’m thinking that it falls on possessed clown car noise that emits from a ventilator when its user isn’t behaving. Now, we can’t blame the user, I mean, really, they’re on a ventilator. However, hearing the sound in your head when there isn’t one around……look here possessed clown car honk – you and I are gonna have words.

07 Dec 2011

Evil Joy with sarcastic update number 6 (I think) for my wacky followers: it’s been a few days and there have been a number of options for my evil focus. After several beeps, I’ve decided the o2 monitor and I are at odds. While we both want to make sure Brent’s oxygen level is high enough. I would be sticking to his finger during the night while he’s not moving around a ton. It on the other hand likes to beep when it thinks the level has dropped. Beep beep louder when it still thinks it has dropped. And then. Just kidding all is good. Then..”BEEP BEEP BEEP” really freaking loud when it decides to pick him back up and starts the count at 23% when in actuality it’s 98%. Look here beep beep, I’m going to beep you soon.

11 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with update #7 for my again captivated and hostage held followers: Today my focus, Laundry. Seriously people. Laundry sucks. And even after all my friends did ALL my laundry, in 2 days five people create 3 plus loads. 3 loads. Really. And if I don’t do all three, the gremlins come out at night and make more. How in the hell do 5 pairs of socks get dirty for each kid in only 3 days time? Really??! Listen here laundry – you and dye free All have an appointment and I’m the executioner! Bawhahahahahahahah!

12 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with update #8 for all you crazy Facebook people: Tonight’s nemesis : Kidneys. They’re shaped funny. They deal with stuff we want to get rid of. There’s two but you can really get by with one. There’s even a machine that can do some of the work they do.

Where exactly do they get off taking this long of a break!?! 22 days – I’ve never had a 22 day vacation!?! Get your butt (or kidney) back to work! Seriously! And come back full on – not the normal come back and act sort of dumb – not really sure if you’re just getting rid of volume – fluid – or doing your full up job of getting rid of the toxins in your body. If I only did half my job, 2 of 4 of my kids would be in pretty sore shape. So……

Kidneys – Get Back To Work. Now. I. Have. Spoken. (hehehehe)

13 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with update #9 for the captivated, update awaiting people out there: Today’s focus – my own parking skills.

I was running late….there was an accident on I-94 and that made me even later. I pulled into the parking lot (as I’ve down countless times mind you…). I pulled way into the space. So far in fact that someone saw fit to park behind me and another someone saw fit to park in front of me. Blocking my awesomely awful parked car in like a sardine.

Three awesome employees helped me back out diagonally as someone left. It seriously took 10 minutes and a total of 4 people to make this happen – Dave from Grounds, Jana from Transportation, and Dawit from Valet parking, and yours truly driving Brent’s stick shift car. I got out and parked properly and promptly started bawling.

So…non Evil Joy – park better tomorrow. Don’t think I can handle that sort of stress again. Don’t think the employees will save my skin again either – although I bet they would…..:)

14 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with update #10 for those of you stuck with me – suckers! : Tonight’s focus – Target in Hudson.

Now, Target really is fine and great and I spend entirely too much time and money there on a normal day! However, tonight – my goal – to find Elf on the Shelf to have all rigged up for Brent tomorrow….

DO THEY HAVE ANY LEFT?!?! NOOOOOOO!

But Target in Woodbury had 54 as of this morning.

But Target doesn’t open until 8am. They are open until midnight which is handy if your kids can be alone all hours of the day and night, but come on – stock a few more! And unlike most of the normal world – my freaky family is up and dressed most days by 6am – all of us. So 8am is like Noon! Way too late in the day to go shopping.

So…tomorrow night on my way home I will be getting an Elf on the Shelf. I will have to add to my plans for the fellow – was going to hook him up with telemetry leads using stickers and yarn and have him waiting all hooked up to a dialysis machine. Now…may have to wait until Saturday (actually I hope I have to wait – that means Brent gets a day off dialysis).

Anyway – Evil Joy out.

16 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with update #11 for you awesome individuals out there: Today my focus : ME!!! Regions – our Elf on the Shelf – was hooked up by me! Muwahahahahahahaha. I thought that was Evil enough for one day

19 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with update #12 for those of you addicted to Facebook:

Today’s focus : time.

Time. Seriously – you pass slowly when I need you to go fast as in during dialysis, and you pass all to quickly when I need you to slow down as in cuddle time with the kids. Get a freaking grip here and give me a break. Okay – here’s what I want Time: You have my permission to stop being a pain in my backside – be nicer to those taking care of Brent – you know – they work long hours with all sorts of people (and most are NOT as NICE as US) and those taking care of the rest of us (and me!! thanks guys!). You also have my permission to stuff it when it comes to deadlines and bills.

Evil Joy out.

22 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with status update #13 for the cookiefied Facebook followers out there : Today’s focus : Snot.

Snot. Seriously gross stuff. As if crying isn’t bad enough, your nose has to join the party. Tears will be gently wiped away for a friend or loved one, but I don’t see too many folks lining up to wipe away that snot for you. Gross.

And then if you’re sick – isn’t that enough – you have add insult to injury by running and being gross and making your nose sore by blowing said snot away?!? Really?!?!

So…I say we make a stand against snot. Snot Not. Not Snot. We do not like Snot. No we don’t. (Okay no more Dr Seuss for me for a while…..).

Evil Joy (who is not experiencing snot right now) out.

26 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with the post Christmas Day (renamed Daddy coming home today day in our house) update for all of you who still check Facebook. Today’s focus; Puke. Specifically puke emitting from two of my four children at the same time. In the middle of the night. In the middle of their Beds and even in the middle of their long hair.

Wouldn’t be a big deal if there wasn’t this renal function challenged individual just home from a five week stay in the hospital less than 6 hours ago.

So puke, just know the bucket stops here. I have bleach Lysol and all sorts of weapons up my sleeves. You’ve had your fun now let me sleep for more than an hour at a time.

Evil Joy out (hopefully for a few hours!)

28 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with status update number #14 for those wildly anticipating Evil Joy’s next update….. Today’s focus: Elevated white blood cells counts.

Listen here WBC, I know you have all this work to do and all but come on now. I think after six weeks you would get with the freaking program and be good little cells and do what you’re suppose to and go to levels you’re suppose to exist at. While I appreciate the information you give, climbing for two consecutive days resulting in a CT scan tomorrow is rather irritating.

So listen up WBC. Get on board. Work with the meds. Or I’ll kick your arse.

EJ out.

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31 Dec 2011

Evil Joy here with status update #15 for you crazy Facebooking folks. Today’s focus : Sleep deprivation and garbage pick up schedules.

When I try to think things through these days, I screw up. I missed garbage AND recycling pickup yesterday thinking it would be delayed due to Christmas. We NEVER have more than two bags of garbage – until this time – it’s overflowing. And recycling – we ALWAYS fill it in a week and it only picks up every two weeks. I have enough for two entire cans of recycling plus we’ll be waiting two more weeks. AAAUUUGGGHHHHHHH

Brain – Kick IN! Work properly! NOW! Sleep – well, we’ll work with what we have. Garbage schedule, quit falling off the refrigerator and sliding underneath not to be found for 6 months until you’re moved for cleaning.

Evil Joy digging her way out of garbage and cardboard, out.

07 Jan 2012

Evil Joy here with status update I don’t remember what for those of you in Facebook coma. Today’s focus : the gremlins that call themselves intuition that wake me up 30 seconds before each and every female child of mine says “MOM” at 3:23 in the morning.

Finally…I have no reason to wake up in the middle of the night. Don’t get me wrong, more than happy to wake up and deal with meds for Brent or puking kids if they’re sick. However, not having to deal with either of those is awesome…Awesome. (for lots of reasons 🙂 )

The last three nights – Evil Marleigh (begotten from Evil Joy) wakes up screaming for me to come and cuddle with her. The Crabby Charlotte says “MOM – MARLEIGH IS YELLING FOR YOU!” Followed by Angry Sadie “WOULD YOU GUYS BE QUIET, WE’RE ALL TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!”

And normally I holler out – “be quiet – it’s the middle of the night.” End of story. Nighty night for all.

However….I’m so used to being awake from 2:15-4 am from giving meds that I wake up – WIDE AWAKE – about 30 seconds to 1 minute prior to all of the Evil Hollering. And then I make sure each Hollering Kid is properly back to sleep. I find myself WIDE wake for another two hours. TWO HOURS. I DON’T HAVE TWO HOURS TO LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT.

So…intuition gremlin – take a hike. Off a cliff. Let me sleep. And go back to sleep. And stay asleep. Until the light of day.

Evil Joy asleep – I mean out – til next time.

11 Jan 2012

Evil Joy here with post #16 (I think) for those of you waiting for and those of you not waiting for snow. Today’s focus : screw drivers, clumsy fingers, and turn signal lights. And…my ego.

Seriously – I used to work with large weapon systems. I was one of the few women in my field – had to prove myself again and again – and I was young (hahaha – not so much anymore – did I mention this was a long time ago!).

Given above mentioned experience, you would think I could successfully change a front turn signal light bulb on a Kia Sedona. I’ve changed headlights. On several different cars. So….

I’m prying loose the stupidest concoction of washer and screws holding on the cover plate in order to access the light. Okay – isn’t it known that during the life time of the car, headlights will be changed multiple times? Who in their right mind uses plastic anything on a car part that will need to be removed several times? Really??????

While prying loose said washer (which by the way – has to be pried loose because it’s been removed so many times the plastic has been striped), the screw driver flew out of my hand and landed in the most inaccessible part inside the hood. The bottom of the fan housing that cools the radiator.

I tried and tried and have the bloody hands to prove it (a slight exaggeration – I do have some cuts and scrapes tho) to retrieve said stupid screwdriver. Finally….I had to….. call in a MAN to help me. Brent saved the day. Again.

So…without Brent, I would be waiting for my neighbor who works at a Kia dealership to save my butt. I wasn’t about to start the engine with a screwdriver rattling around.

Ego, get over yourself. Screwdrivers – stay the name of a drink and out of my garage. Clumsy fingers – well – we’ll work with what we have….and finally – Turn Signal – stay lit man – we worked hard for you!

Evil Joy out. To wash my hands and find some neosporin!

21 Jan 2012

Evil Joy here with post #I”m too frustrated with the dryer to figure out the stupid number post. Today’s focus: Cheese stick wrappers, drying machines, and little people who don’t empty their pockets. Oh yeah…and my OCD tendencies towards cleaning.

So….one of the benefits of Brent getting sick is that I have become the laundry nazi. It MUST be done. NO full laundry baskets FOR YOU!

In my new found love of doing laundry comes the constant dumping of laundry into one container and then down the stairs. Sorting. Washing. Drying. And tonight……SWEARING like the sailors I once taught!

Seriously – do you know how long it takes to pry a cheese stick wrapper that has become one with the back of the dryer off with a knitting needle?!?! A really L O N G time. Then because I was in there, I decided I needed to vacuum out the lint from behind the dryer, in the dryer, under the dryer, on the lint rack….(anyone say OCD?!).

So…little people of the Hedding household – NO MORE CHEESE STICKS FOR YOU! Dryer – you are and will stay clean. I have spoken. OCD – well, I don’t really have OCD, just felt like when I was attacking the dryer at 8:30 at night.

Evil Joy – out – to fold clean socks.

02 Feb 2012

Evil Joy is making a comeback. Today’s focus : My children.

My children are out to get me. In the last three days – I’ve been awaken to help them:
1. Cover up
2. Cover up their babies
3. Go to the bathroom
4. Turn on bathroom light
5. Snuggle because they’re bored
6. Snuggle because they had a bad dream
7. Get crackers because a tummy had been rumbling “Three whole times…”

Get out of my room.
I don’t do anything to help with these issues except to snuggle at night because of a bad dream.
When will they learn Mommy is much more pleasant when I’ve had a few hours of sleep…..otherwise Evil Joy takes a life of her own during the day.

Evil Joy out to make breakfast for the rug rats. And hopefully take a nap.

14 Feb 2012

Evil Joy here with update #?? for all of you parents of kids sugared up on Valentines candy. Today’s focus: (well actually Saturday’s focus but I am just getting around to it…) Crazy Crackhead Freaky Man in Minneapolis

Okay seriously – the reason I rarely go to Mpls is I get lost. A lot. All the time. Even with two phones – one on Wazes, one on apple Maps – and a tom-tom. And a navigator. Always. Get. Lost.

In ‘interesting’ neighborhoods. Where there seems to be no one out and about except the people you wouldn’t walk near in a public populated area.

Evil Joy and her side kick Amy from Iowa – we were driving back to the lair of Evil Joy. And of course got lost.

I’m paralleling the interstate trying desperately to find I-94 East. What is with that btw – all sorts of ways on I-94W (and yes, I thought of getting on that and turning around – that’s how we ended up meeting Crazy Crackhead Freaky Man). I jokingly say to Amy from Iowa – “we should ask him directions” – referring to the man attempting to cross the street in front of us. I slow down to let him go across and he begins to approach the car. Then he stops so I speed up to get around him and on with me day.

Crazy Crackhead Freaky Man starts chasing the car. WTH?!?! Amy from Iowa says “lock the doors and hit the gas.”

Heart.Beating.Really.Fast. Evil Joy. Swearing.A.Lot.

Seriously CCFM – you need to find something better to do than freak out little old innocent Evil Joy and her sidekick, Amy from Iowa!

Evil Joy out to find other ways to fight crime – I’m not getting lost in the name of crime fighting anymore……

17 Feb 2012

Evil Joy here with update # I have no idea but it’s got to be in the 20’s by now….. Today’s focus: Drama. 9 yr old drama. 9 yr old girl drama. This mama trying to deal with 9 yr old girl drama.

Okay. So Sadie forgot her homework at school and burst into tears and a tantrum about it. At 5pm on Friday. She ONLY has UNTIL Thursday to get it done (keep in mind it’s Friday…..).

Evil Joy doesn’t do with with drama. Evil Joy doesn’t like tantrums when making dinner. Evil Joy doesn’t like over reacting at all. (and of course, Sadie has learned from the best, Evil Joy, so she’s quite good at drama, over reacting, and tears….)

Seriously. Evil Joy must get a grip. With 3 girls coming up the pike to the age of ‘real’ drama – time to figure it out. And at least the poor thing is a conscientious student. She’s trying to do her best. She worries about consequences and not pleasing her teacher. She worries about getting in trouble (holy crap, I’ve created a mini-Joy). She likes to follow rules (I really really have created a mini-Joy).

So….Joy – Evil Joy – get a grip. She’s only 9. It’s only one evening of a fit. She’s trying to do the right thing. Suck it up!!!

Someone came up with WWEJD? – What Would Evil Joy Do?
And the answer is :

Send in Brent.
And give her hugs when he’s done.

EJ out.

21 Feb 2012

Evil Amy here on behalf of Evil Joy post #20+ by now. Yesterday morning and part of the afternoon really have no complaints. We were having a blast and talking big about going to women’s college for snowboarding next year. We were even figuring out how many houses she was going to clean and how many cakes I was going to make to pay for it. We were learning a lot from our good friend Deb Peecher ( also an awesome instructor at Afton). A few falls of course but that is to be expected when you are learning. After lunch we were doing well too. Then after a comment of we should’ve worn our kids wrist guards too. Bam. The jinx then took place. After a trip to Hudson ER bad news came. Really. What do I need to do as her friend. Wrap the whole house and the people inside with bubble wrap to protect them from anymore hurt. Let’s please at least have some good news from the ortho doctor that tells her no surgery is needed. At least we got a good picture last night after she had gotten some pain meds. No more bad anything for this family! I mean it! Evil Amy out!

22 Feb 2012

Evil Joy here with post #25 for those snow loving Facebook peeps out there. today’s focus: coordination. or lack there of.

Mandi had it best “what was she thinking?! Joy is the least coordinated person i know!”

Well, snowboarding is AWESOME!! EJ had fun! Even with the complete lack of coordination! Then…true lack of coordination hit and arse over head and pop goes the wrist!!

So….lack of coordination….learn to lack less! EJ will not be stifled by clumsiness!

Blue cast….look out. Spawn of Evil Joy have sharpies and they’re just waiting to use them!!!

EJ out to try to brush my hair left handed!

29 Feb 2012

Wide awake bc dog opened deck door at 4:30 am. Was already awake bc Sadie was up bc of the ‘loud weather.’ I feel an Evil Joy post coming on….strongly…. now waiting for the 5:45 am call from the district with delay info….. bring it… and a load of Diet Coke!

06 Mar 2012

Evil Joy here with what will be the first of many posts about grumpy girls in our household. Today’s focus: Grumpy girl glares.

Gotta love when your 9 year gets sent to bed for glaring at you and then proceeds to slam her solid wood super hard.

Evil Joy replied…”Doors are a privilege, slam it again and it’s off until you get it as your Christmas present.”

Evil Joy must regroup, continue to remain calm and speak with said grumpy girl about what’s really bothering said girl, respect, and acceptable reactions.

Evil Joy out to put back on Mom mask and live to fight another day teaching small people to be good small people.

14 Mar 2012

Dear Mr. Sandman,

Epic failure of delivery on your part. Come on now……throw me a bone here….

Sincerely,

Joy soon to become Evil Joy on a more permanent basis if sleep isn’t delivered!

27 March 2012

Evil Joy needs to make a reappearance …..Where oh where shall EJ’s focus fall? Suggestions? Solutions? All of the above?!

Actually, I’ve decided the focus is : yucky skin under Evil Casts….

Really – as if the cast isn’t stinky enough, getting caught in a rain storm in Chicago last week and trying for the past 4 days to dry it the best I can…then finding out they’re either taking it off and replacing it or Taking It Off and moving to a splint….led me to work out really hard yesterday not caring how sweaty I got. And Evil Joy can sweat with the best of them!

So…I was terrified I was going to find Evil mold under said Evil Cast. Nope. Just an arm that obviously hadn’t seen the sun the rest of the arm had observed. And then I washed my arm. And all of the Evil Skin started to come off. In sheets. Nasty. Sort of interesting though……

So…skin- thanks for keeping mostly attached and thanks for not molding. However, now it’s time to start acting semi-normal under zipper splint…which incidentally – is pretty cool. It’s a hard plastic splint molded to my arm – and it has……drum roll….

a zipper so I can take it off!

Evil Joy out to play with zipper and make sure there’s a clean arm ‘sock’ for under splint tomorrow after Evil Joy sweat makes its appearance yet again!