Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Dear Child. Please Aim.

Dear Child.

You are precious to me. I love you with all of my heart. With that in mind I need to share something with you. This is important information you will utilize for your entire life. It may make or break your friendships, relationships, and possibly affect your future as an employable adult.

I’m going to share one of my secret with you. I don’t share this secret with many. Or any if I’m honest. But the time has come for you to be included in my “Circle of Trust.”

Pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you. This information has been closely guarded for decades.

Steps to Keep Your Toilet Clean

1. Gentleman of all ages please take the time to lift both the seat and the lid. Your aim isn’t as precise as you perceive. If you fail to adhere to this step there will be urine droplets on the seat where the next person, potentially you, will be forced to sit.

Ladies of all ages please be make sure the seat is down and the lid open. You would think this is common sense however I’ve found the opposite to be true in individuals easily distracted, those in dire need of a toilet, and those under the age of six.

2. Pee into the toilet bowl. Not on it. Not near it. Not on the floor next to it and sure as hell not on the wall nearby. This step is imperative. While you occupy space in my house it is critical to life.

3. When you fail to meet the requirements of Step 2 you MUST COMPLETE STEP 3. Failure to do so will result in consequences of epic proportions. Please read this step in its entirely and follow the directions exactly. Use a wipe, spray and paper towel, a soapy wash cloth or other appropriate item to clean up the “miss” and the area around the “miss.” When complete dispose of the used cloth in the wash or garage as appropriate. Repeat. When complete with the repeat, wash your hands with soap and water. Dry your hands on a clean towel. Hang that clean towel on the hook. Throwing the towel on the floor will only lead to additional laundry being generated as the towel will surely be in range of the next “miss.”

If you adhere to these three easy steps your life will be limitless. The sky’s the limit. You’ll find the gold at the end of the rainbow. And it won’t be dried pee at the end of the day.







  1. So needed a good laugh this morning. LOVE it

  2. Girls (normally) don’t miss. However, I work in an office full of boys so I’ll be forwarding this on to them.

  3. So much love for this!! I have three at home that need to read it regularly!

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