I hate sirens. M’kay?
I have heard more sirens, seen more ambulances, witnessed more medical personnel offering assistance, and observed people needing medical attention in the past few days than in several months combined.
I’m dealing. From the outside I’m doing fine. Observed by friends as being “just fine.” Progress – at least I can appear to be fairly normal.
Inside I’m cringing, crying, and trying to hold my hands from pulling on my hair. Still progress – I’m not actually doing any of these things.
I thought I was over this. I thought these types of reactions and feelings were part of my past, no longer able to interfere with my present. Until recently reactions brought on by sirens have been extremely minimal or nonexistent.
I’m not reliving, I’m not wallowing. I having a visceral reaction to the sounds of sirens. My heart races, my mouth goes dry, and I feel like I’m going to vomit. I curl my hands and crack my knuckles. I walk quietly with my head down. I hyper focus on those around me and try to concentrate on the words coming out of their mouths.
I don’t hear or comprehend any of it.
I nod. I smile. I engage.
I get past it.
But typing this out, I’m sitting in a room full of friends watching television, trying my damnedest not to cry. I’m on vacation in one of my favorite cities in the United States. I should be focused on the moment, enjoying this amazing weekend.
And I am.
Except when I’m not.
My new goal : Experience whatever feelings I’m having, let them go, and get back to living.
Because living is what it’s all about.