Can you believe the audacity of my kid? He asked for something different for lunch. Something other than the sandwich, apple, carrots, crunch something or the other, and yogurt I’ve lovingly packed for 11 years straight?

It’s only been 11 years. I mean come on! He’s a sophomore and thinks he wants something else now? Are you freaking kidding me?

I figure he’s gone to school roughly 180 days a year for the past 11 years. That comes to 1980 instances of sandwiches made of two pieces of bread, deli meat, mayo, cheese, lettuce and sometimes pickles. Never mind that during football season he gets four sandwiches a day – one he eats for “breakfast” between classes, two for lunch, and one for before practice. That means he’s had at least 3060 sandwiches. Surely the minimum before complaint is closer to 10,000.

Let’s talk apples. He eats at a minimum one apple a day. I’m going to round this up to 2500 apples. He doesn’t care to pack bananas – too messy. He doesn’t like oranges – even if I peel them ahead of time. Pineapple is great except it makes my face tingly so we don’t have it around much anymore. Grapes – they just don’t do it for him. So an apple a day it is.

Baby carrots. Or normal carrots, peeled and cut up. I prefer the normal ones but after going through more than 5lbs of carrots a week for years I’ve given into laziness and a need for non-orange hands. Baby carrots are a staple in this house. He eats more carrots than any one person should! When he was a baby he was actually a bit orange for a while – think Pinkalicious – but Orangeahue. I’d gather he’s consumed at least 800 pounds of carrots since kindergarten.

Yogurt. I deserve the gold medal of variety in this category. The kid likes green yogurt – key lime to be precise. He also likes yellow yogurt – lemon – NOT banana. (Okay, okay…this was true from the ages of 2 through 6. But to be fair, those two flavors are still his favorite.) There’s the tube yogurts, the Greek yogurts, the whipped variety, and even kinds with fruit on the bottom. This kid has had so much variety of yogurt in his diet I can’t believe he’s asking for more!

Crunchy stuff. This is a labor of love. I don’t like chips. I don’t care for pretzels. Now…if we’re talking kale chips – I’m the one fruit loop out there who truly enjoys kale chips! But not him. He thinks they’re gross. If Dr. Evil does the shopping there’s some sort of something crunchy in lunch. Cheese crackers, fish crackers, chips  – something. So again – VARIETY IS BEING PROVIDED!

Why does he think he should have something other than his standard lunch? Doesn’t he know I’ve been trained to pack this? After this many years I don’t know that I am capable of providing a different lunch for him!! His sisters will take left over pizza, noodles or soup in a thermos, or home made lunchable type deals. He has always refused those options.

So guess what buddy? Until you get up early enough to make your own “different” lunch – you’re stuck with my standard lunch box. I mean really…who gets sick of sandwiches after only 3000+ of them? (And I’m fairly certain we alone are supporting at least one apple and carrot producer with our current consumption. I wouldn’t want to put anyone out of a job.)