Okay.  It’s the start of the school season here.  Everyone has their best ever story and here’s mine.

The date and location : September 2005.  EP Rock Elementary School, kindergarten class room.

The players : I’m 29 years old.  Eldest Spawn is 5 years old.  Eldest Female Spawn is 2.5 years old.  Second Eldest Female Spawn (at that time, Littlest Spawn) is 3 weeks old.

The reason : K- Start.  K-Start is how our school district introduces kindergarteners (and their parents) to school.  The first three days of classes are for all students other than kindies.  During this three day period, the student and parents have a chance to come to the room and meet the teacher for 15-30 minutes one on one.  It’s actually pretty cool.  Added bonus – all the busing craziness gets figured out the first three days so by the time the kindies are riding – everyone else is an expert.

We received a letter stressing the importance of being on time to this meeting.  Well….yeah…ummmmm…we returned from a weekend stay with Dr. Evil 4 hours away (he was on business – we crashed the party and swam in the pool – and I had help with the two others as I recovering from my third c-section) directly to this meeting.  After running through our favorite fast food joint.  With Eldest Spawn wearing flip-flops.

10 minutes late.

Crapola.  Already a check mark next to my spawn’s my name.

And we weren’t suppose to bring siblings.  Well….yeah….ummmm…..I was flying solo and wasn’t about to leave my 3 week old baby away from my nursing ta-tas.

So in we walk, 10 minutes late, my whole crew.  Eldest Female Spawn has to use the bathroom.  Luckily it is in the room.  Then she told me she had to go again.  Now you have to understand – this Eldest Female Spawn – even at 2.5 years old – was stubborn as a mule.  She had the bladder of a camel.  Could hold it for hours…and I’m NOT exaggerating.  So I more or less ignored her.

We were told how important healthy food were – Eldest Spawn revealed our nugget and fries lunch…and pizza dinner…and all the convenience foods that come after having a baby.  Not mentioning how when we would go to fast food Evil Joy (just Mom then) would bring along green beans and fruit to add to the treat meal.  By now, Eldest Female Spawn is really complaining of needing to use the bathroom again and I’m ignoring her even more…trying to impress the teacher with my focus in the middle of the chaos my spawn were creating.

We were instructed to not wear flip-flops to school – safety concern.  Oooops.  He was wearing flip-flops now.  Man….I was so nervous.  Don’t forget how much of a rule follower I am – finding out rules I’m breaking after the fact is a cause for stomach cramps.

Then…the smell.


The stench.  In several areas of the room.  In the kitchen center.  The reading center.  The doll center.  The block center.


The smell emanating from my Eldest Female Spawn made me gag.  I nearly vomited all over the floor.

She wasn’t kidding.  She did have to go.  Diarrhea all over the freaking place.  And not just a little squirt here and there.  I mean an atom bomb went off in each of those centers.  The smell was overwhelming.

I quickly put her in the bathroom and made Eldest Spawn guard her.  By then the next parent was scheduled to start.  The teacher started and the four of us huddled together trying to figure out what to do.

Clorox wipes.  Okay.  I can use those.  Jumbo sized.  An entire container.

I quickly ran around the room trying to clean each center.  Trying to remember the order the teacher showed us the centers in so I could hit the first one first and try to get the smell under control.  Gagging and coughing the whole time….I have the world’s weakest stomach.  The jumbo container only had one wipe left.  I swiped another container.  Continued my frantic wiping up.  Littlest Spawn started crying.  She was needing the ta-tas.  I was covered in poo.


We got it all cleaned up.  I snagged the Target bag I brought the supplies in and was using it for garbage as I went through the wipes.  I took it with me as I sprinted from the room with my Spawn in tow – except Eldest Female Spawn.  I carried her so no more poo would hit the floor and leave a stench trail.

We got to the van.  The only thing I could wipe her down with …. nursing pads.  Seeing as I was already covered in poo there was no way I was nursing until I showered.  So…nursing pads were surrendered in order to save the van from the Evil Overwhelming Stench.  We got home.  I bathed Eldest Female Spawn and myself.  Fed Littlest Spawn.

Then called my Mommy to cry about my first day at kindergarten.

We’ve since had this teacher two additional times.  We love her to pieces.  She never mentioned a word of the disaster that was my first K-Start meeting with her.  Amazing Woman.  I have begged her to not retire before the end of the 2014 so Littlest Spawn will have the chance to have her as a teacher.

Got any stories to share?  Come on – I know you do…leave me a comment with your story – I’d love to hear from you.

EJ out – to play with some Spawn.

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