I’ve never been tiny. I’m not built to be little. That doesn’t mean I should be overweight either.
In the past six months I’ve lost about 30 pounds. Most don’t notice but a few here and there have. I don’t always notice.
I still see the fat girl in the mirror.
One would think I would notice the muscles I’ve built or the loose fit of pants I had to jump off the bed to get in six months ago. I have started to take note when running is so much easier than it used to be. I’ve run a marathon and many half marathons. At a heavier weight. I wonder what I could do now…..
Most days I just find the things I’ve done wrong. Today I ate all the food. And I mean all the food. Except that even that isn’t true. Compared to what I would have considered a failed eating day six months ago, today was a gold star day. But I’m feeling gross and like I just undid all the good I’ve done. I logically know that is untrue but emotionally it feels like it. I am fearful of gaining any weight back because what if it is the start of a way back to where I was?
I don’t remember ever being comfortable in my skin. I was the fat kid. I was chubby and had the nicknames of “Miss Piggy” and the “Human Garbage Disposal.” I would eat anything. Salad. Green beans. Meatloaf. My favorite thing was and still is tomatoes. Not the foods you think of when you think of the “sturdy`” kid. I very clearly remember the first time someone called me fat at school and someone else giggled. I was 9.
When I look back at pictures I don’t see a fat kid. I see a healthy kid. One who didn’t realize everyone was trying to find their place. I was an easy target because I didn’t believe in myself and was always trying to please everyone. My junior year of high school I had my physical and was MORTIFIED by the 127 pounds on my report. I tried to change it to make it look like “119” because 120 was the fat marker in my head.
Now..I would love to weigh 127 pounds. My goal weight is far higher than that.
One of my favorite recent marketing campaigns is the one where 5 women who weigh exactly the same amount are pictured. And how dramatically different they all look. It was eye opening to me and made me realize the scale is only one indicator of health.
I’ve changed my body and many of my habits. Now it’s time to work on teaching my mind to see what’s real and let go of the imagined.
Physically and mentally……. I’m a work in progress.
And tomorrow is a new day.
Let’s go Get it.