FYI : This post is Not for children.
Today I was fortunate enough to be featured on ElfShaming.com. Regions sure does ‘get around’ if you know what I mean….
Regions showed up at Regions hospital when Dr. Evil was sick. He tricked Evil Joy into buying him and bringing him to the hospital. He had a dirty secret.
Regions had just finished his 7th stay at rehab for nurse nailing and drug abuse. He is frequent flyer at local hospitals. He just found a new one so they weren’t wise to his perverted, drug stealing ways.
He escaped the last rehab facility and sneeked into a large store one night – found the duct tape and some scissors and bound up the elf really meant to be in the box. (We’re still searching for him…local authorities – the renowned Green Army Men – suspect Regions put him with the Halo figurines and they used him for target practice….) Regions made sure he was the only box upright and undamaged on the shelf – he knocked the others down and dented the corners knowing holiday shoppers are looking for the “perfect” box.
Unbeknownst to Evil Joy, Regions had her pegged. Evil Joy had been in this store just yesterday staring at the other Elf on The Shelf boxes….even picked up one. Then put it back down. Good fortune was shining on Regions.
Evil Joy ran in and purchased Regions. She had no idea of the Evil in that box. Regions was drooling with anticipation of the nurses bending over to tend to him and views he was sure to get. The sponge baths…man, he was really ready for one of those. And of course….the drugs. He could only hope he could get his hands on some good ones this time – not the stool softeners like last time. Not a pretty sight.
Regions was biding his time. Just waiting for the right moment.
Then it came.
Dr. Evil left for dialysis. It was time. He climbed up, hooked himself up to the leads and waited. In walked the nurse.
Shit. In walked the MALE nurse. With bath supplies. Regions was in for a new experience.
He was never so happy for Dr. Evil to be discharged on Christmas day. Home to the lair of Evil Joy, Dr. Evil and their crazy spawn. He thought possibly he’d found peace at last.
Until the dog got ahold of him and starting humping away.
He couldn’t get packed away soon enough.
Regions the Elf is currently in hiding in one of 15 twenty gallon plastic totes. The authorities are looking for him in connection with a theft of a large quantity of non-skid hospital socks – and the before mentioned suspected Elf Homicide. If you have any information, please contact Evil Joy directly. Thank you.