Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: afton alps


I’ve had all these random thoughts for blogs posts going through my brain.  Finally I’ve decided to just list them out – in a blog post.

1.  So…Littlest Spawn – she barfed all over the floor of the ski chalet.  And all over herself.  And the wall.  And no one would freaking help me.  I was basically doing the splits to block the area so no one would walk through with their boarding or ski boots and everyone just stared.  Finally a nice woman got us some napkins – Littlest Spawn had puke all over her sweet little face.  And told I yelled at the guy working there who was avoiding my stare to get someone to help me.  What the heck people?!  Finally a nice gentleman went and hurried the young guy avoiding my stare and yells to get moving.  They brought out a mop and wet floor sign and then asked if we were okay.  Five full minutes later.  Standing over a puddle of puke with a sick child for five full minutes.  I would like to use a word other than full in that previous sentence…but…I won’t.  I was so angry.  But Littlest Spawn is the best sick kid around.  She didn’t even cry.  Not even when I threw away her favorite shirt.  And made her wear just her coat with snow pants home.  Poor baby.  She’s lucky I didn’t throw up on her – during the FIVE FULL MINUTES I was standing there.  I have the world’s weakest stomach.


2.  Eldest Spawn is earning money today from Dr. Evil.  For not playing XBox for 24 hours.  I would not pay for this.  I would take the XBox and put it in the car and drive to work.  But he’s paying …. so I’m along for the ride.

3.  I drove to clean for a friend.  They have a really steep driveway.  I have a truck stuck in 4-wheel drive.  (The part is on order.)  I couldn’t get up their icy driveway…it took me four tries – and several times laughing….I almost cried I was laughing so hard….I was envisioning myself falling up and then down the driveway if I couldn’t get the truck up there….and then freezing to the driveway – waiting to be rescued by the jaws of life cutting away the driveway.

4.  Later that same day – now…night.  Going to Awesome Amy’s house to feed her frog since they’re off on spring break.  Remember the snow storms that hit the midwest?  We got around 10 inches.  Her driveway hadn’t been plowed.  It’s flat.  It’s curvy.  I have a truck stuck in 4-wheel drive.  It’s the first winter I’ve had a truck.  Used to my mini-van – in which I would have NEVER attempted to get up her driveway.  But …. I HAVE A TRUCK … I’ll go up the driveway.  And get hopelessly stuck.  For a full five minutes.  Again laughter is filling the car.  Finally get up there.  Feed the frog.  With Peter Gabriel’s “Kiss That Frog” song stuck in my head.  And then….it’s time to back out of said long curvy flat driveway.  And get so hopelessly stuck again that I nearly pee my pants laughing!  7 minutes later – I think I left a skid mark or two on her driveway (I’ll be over there with a scrub brush in the spring) – I finally made it out.  Dr. Evil kept texting me to see where I was and then he told me….

5.  We were watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the spawn.  Another rite of passage for our spawn.  They are begotten of us geeks.  We have the movie down so well we know where to yell loud gibberish if there is swearing and where to send the spawn off to get blankets, take a bathroom break, or get a snack if there’s inappropriate scenes…only one or two.. mostly drawn…..  They laughed so hard.  “They call me….Tim.”


I’m sure one or more of these may turn into a full blog post at some point in time….but I sort of like the randomness of this.  So….here ya go.


EJ out – to clean some more.  And do the laundry that goes along with puking spawn.  Two of them.

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Evil Ice

Evil Joy here with a post on ice.  And the result of said Evil Ice.

So Monday was warm and sort of yucky.  Monday night – not so warm….resulting in Evil Ice on Tuesday morning….resulting in a two-hour delay for school…and then resulting in a school cancellation because before mentioned Evil Ice wouldn’t cooperate with melting agents.  So was does Evil Joy do on a day to icy to have school?

Drive 20 miles to Afton Alps to snowboard.  Eldest Spawn was still recovering from being sick on Monday – fine – just didn’t want to push it.  So I stuck him on Littles Duty – watching the two littlest Spawn.  And Eldest Female Spawn and I took off …. a mile across the neighborhood and parked in Awesome Amy’s driveway.  As only the two of us were going (instead of the five…) we were able to ride in her truck!  Snowboarding gear takes up room….even big vehicles are sometimes not big enough.  I parked in her drive.

Where I parked.

Where I parked.

And off we went.  We had an AMAZING day.  I joined in on Awesome Amy’s celebrating (she had some good things happen on Tuesday – including getting carded for wine!).  We got off the bunny hill!  Hopped on some new chair lifts.  New routes.  It.Rocked.Big.Time.

Finally around 5 we called it quits and headed home.  As we came around the corner I thought my truck looked out of place.

Nah – can’t be – it’s just the angle of the highway to Awesome Amy’s house – she lives further west than I do.

As we approached….ummmm…no….my truck slid down her driveway!  Immediately I thought, “Did I put it in park?  Did I put the parking brake on?”

Yes and Yes.

Magic Moving Truck

Magic Moving Truck


And yes, the first picture is a reenactment of my original parking job.  The second picture is the actual location of said truck when we arrived at Awesome Amy’s house.


Listen here Evil Ice : You may have made my truck move but you gave me a day with my spawn and friend.  So while I’m pissed you thought it acceptable to move my vehicle without my permission, thanks for the extra time.  Now…stay away and let the spawn attend school.  Let your friend snow know I’m all for her.  Bring on the snow.  We need snow.  I love snow.  Please send snow.  Please….

EJ out – to rescue the puppy from the loving ‘hugs’ of spawn.


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A Snowboarding we will go, A Snowboarding we will go….

Today was the fourth Sunday of Women’s College at Afton.  Women’s College is instruction for women, by women.  Like abilities are grouped and away we go.

I thought I was going to walk in and rock it.  Beginner – to me – means never having had any chance to snowboard.  Not having gone through Women’s College before and returning….sort of like those kids blowing the curve in calculus by taking calc 1 at university when they completed the course in high school.

I was schooled immediately.  And let me tell you – I sucked.  However, being the struggling student has its advantages – namely I basically get a three-hour private lesson.  And Instructor J is amazing – she’s patient – kind – tolerant – not easily frustrated – and an excellent teacher.  She was teamed with Instructor P to help a couple of us along.  She too is wonderful.

For whatever reason, I am finally able to put small things together and make it down the hill without a million and a half stops and falls.  Evil Fear likes to mess with my brain and I’m learning to stomp the crap out of my Evil Fear and make it take a hike….of a cliff….into the ocean…with riptides.  I admitted one of my biggest fears today – smooshing a little one.  There are all these tiny people skiing on the hills we are snowboarding on.  I weigh 4 or 5 times as much as them and I’m terrified of landing on one.  Instructors J and P finally got it through my head they will move.  They will get out of my way – or fall down.  It’s all good.

We walked out to one area – the Meadows – and worked there.  It was all good.  Then I got so freaking nervous it was paralyzing.  My classmate smacked her head getting off the chair lift.  Next we saw someone immediately after they had a terrible fall off the jumps – broken bones and bloody snow.  And I saw an ambulance.  Remember what those still do to me?  Then we saw the Medic People on the snowmobile pulling the gurney behind on the snow.

WTHeck!?!  My word – Instructor J is so patient – I talk a lot normally – but when I’m nervous – Holy Hell – I can’t stop talking.  At all.  Ever.  Poor woman.  And let me tell you one more thing – I’ve been crazy nervous since the first class.  In other words – I haven’t shut my pie hole the entire time!  I digress…

Made it through my Evil Fear…..I kept on keeping on.  I may have been tired and scared and made a number of mistakes….but I made it to the end of the trek we took from the Meadows back to the Alps.  I do okay going down a hill.  If I get stuck it takes me a bit to get over my Evil Fear and tell it to shut the front door but eventually I get up and get moving.  I even started learning something totally new today that I will practice this week – 360 Flat Turns – I think that’s what they’re called.  I’ve got 180 degrees of it down and sometimes a little more before I fall on my face ….. but I’ll get it.

I feel like I’ve accomplished something in a month.  I learned to

  • get on a chairlift…and get off…without falling down…most of the time…
  • how to stand up on a hill…while strapped onto a snowboard…(which is slippery and requires balance to a degree)….
  • J turns and garlands….
  • S turns…mine sort of look like Z’s – still working on that….
  • stopping….my favor thing to know how to do…


I can do this.  I will continue to learn and improve.  I can do this.  I AM doing this.

Eldest Female Spawn and I having some girl time.....

Eldest Female Spawn and I having some girl time…..

EJ out – to use my new-found confidence to solve the next problem I find.


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Of all days…

There is no school today in recognition of Martin Luther King Jr.  I am happy to have a day off with the spawn and planned on spending a large portion of today outside being active.

The windchill has other ideas.  -35 to -45 degrees F.  Exposed skin freezes in under 10 minutes in these conditions.  On the map below – we’re in WI – on the MN border – in the -40 degree color range…..


map from WeatherBug.com

map from WeatherBug.com

The irresponsible kid in my says, “So what – we’ll be fine.  Just cover all things up and go out for an hour or two.  Once we’re moving, it’ll be fine.”

The Mom in me says, “It’s not worth endangering the spawn for an hour or two of snowboarding.  Even if it is just me and one of them.”

Then Dr. Evil pipes in, “I’m not sure it’s a good idea to go out at all when it’s -30 windchill.”



Another day stuck inside.  We could venture to MOA.  Along with the rest of the universe in close enough proximity to the Mall.

  • Nope.

There’s the Y – where we no longer belong because I got sick of the yearly and constant price hikes and reduction in member benefits.

  • Nope.

There’s the RAC – where I belong now.  However children aren’t allowed to work out there.  They do have a stellar day care, but I have Eldest Spawn.

  • Nope.

There’s the Giggle Factory – LOVE IT!  But…alas, only one or two of the spawn would actually enjoy it – the others are simply too old.

  • Nope.

There’s Lookout Ridge – LOVE IT! Again, only a couple of the spawn are the right age.

  • Nope.


It’s looking like we’ll be searching for playdates and possibly running a few errands.  I may try to hit Afton alone.  Eldest Spawn offered to watch the Female Spawn – I think he’s fishing for some money……  Only an hour.  1 hour should be okay, right?


EJ out – to ponder the day.

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I can do it I can do it I can do it….


I finally made forward progress snowboarding.  Lateral progress or maintaining what I’ve mastered is no problem.  Lack of forward progress was starting to become a serious crazy obsessive burden.  I was feeling extremely defeated.  I was the only one in women’s college not progressing off the magic carpet (the this that takes you half way up the bunny hill).  After six hours of instruction, I was going backwards.  WTHeck?

Tuesday was Awesome D’s birthday.  Awesome A and I ‘took’ her snowboarding – which is really sort of funny since she’s this amazing instructor and Amazing A and I are learning.  Amazing A has mastered S turns and all that jazz….I was definitely feeling behind the 8ball on this one.


The Evil Magic happened.  I did the ‘S’ turn.  I did.  Then I did two of them.  How cool am I?!?!?  Pretty darn cool I tell ya.

Ole’ and toot.  These are the things I think as I do toe side turns and heel side turns.  (combining the two – turns (and sounds I guess) is what creates the ‘S’ turn) yes…I’m still me….and I giggle every time I think ‘toot.’

Then…more Evil Magic.  I got off the chairlift without falling.  Three.Times.In.A.Row.  Woot Woot!  (as I do some wildly 80’sish dance move).

And now I’m addicted.  I took all the spawn last night out to Afton.  We arrived.  I helped the littles who can totally do all I can and more in only a couple of hours of snowboarding.  Then Dr. Evil arrived.  He took over littles duty.  Eldest Spawn is awesome – he helped me.  A lot.  And then took me up a new hill.  I threatened him within an inch of his life asked him to not leave me as we make our way down this hill.

I feel now that I’ve made forward progress.  I am really proud of myself.  If you know me…you know how difficult typing that statement is for me.

I can do it I can do it I can do it!  I did it and I will do it again and again.

EJ out – to seize the day!  Carpe Diem people!

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Lair… Listen Up….

Evil Joy here with a post on my lair, the condition of my lair, and a warning to my lair.

So Santa arrived yesterday – “finally” as Littlest Spawn said. We opened the few presents we allowed to come to the house (remember…snowboards, pass to Afton….). Then seeing as the majority of the gifts were snowboarding related – socks, face masks – we decided to go snowboarding.

Well…Evil Joy’s Arse is super sore from a hard fall so I sweetly volunteered to be on ‘Little Duty’ and let Dr. Evil practice all he wanted. Aren’t I the perfect wife?! Considering I can barely bend over – once there I’m good – but then standing up again….owwwwwiiiieeeeee – I figured if I fell (WHEN) it would NOT be good.

We had the Evil Perfect Day of snowboarding. Met up with the Stellar P Family who are expert boarders and Evil Generous With Their Time and Knowledge. They took Dr. Evil and Eldest Female Spawn off to learn on a hill other than the Evil Bunny Hill. Their daughter and her friend worked with the Littles.

I got to watch and take pictures!!! And everyone learned a lot. (I, however, still Evil Suck. I signed myself up for Women’s College – my birthday, Mother’s Day and probably Christmas present next year to myself….and probably from Dr. Evil too…)

Second Eldest Female Spawn can do her own binding!!!!  Woot Woot!

Second Eldest Female Spawn can do her own binding!!!! Woot Woot!

She learned S turns and is rocking it big time!

She learned S turns and is rocking it big time!













Dr. Evil can do anything - he really can - just has to try it!

Dr. Evil can do anything – he really can – just has to try it!

Awesome D helping Second  Eldest Female Spawn

Awesome D helping Second Eldest Female Spawn













Awesome A and her friend helping Littlest Spawn

Awesome A and her friend helping Littlest Spawn

Go Go Go!

Go Go Go!














At this point – you’re wondering what my Lair has to do with all this snowboarding.

Let me tell you.

The spawnily was so excited to go, we left. We left an Evil Mess.

On the ride home I dictated, “We arrive home. You will bathe. You will put on pjs. While that is happening, Daddy is making dinner. I will be cleaning up. When you are finished bathing – and I’m setting a timer – you will help with (Evil) Whole House PickUp. Then we can have some fun and play a game.”

I’m certain no one listened to my Evil Orders. In fact, I didn’t listen. I was so cold I took an Evil Crazy Long Shower. The genius behind this move however quickly revealed itself. I used most of the hot water. Suckers….they should have listened!

Upstairs was tidied. (I have this routine – upstairs, downstairs, then main level.)

And that was it. Monopoly Zapped (super fun by the way) happened. I literally fell asleep at the game board at 8pm.

So today….Lair – watch it. I’ve had my coffee and I’m on an Evil Mission. The current questions is : Do I tackle putting away the Evil Clutter Decorations or do I enjoy them until tomorrow…when we are snowboarding again…..?


What do you do? Do you put your decorations away the first opportunity you have? Or do you leave them until your neighbors comment, “umm, you know it’s July, right?”


EJ out – to tackle, load by load, the laundry threatening to take over this spawnily.


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