Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: breast feeding

Round the Dinner Table…..Round and Round We Go

Milk is a commodity in my household.  A serious commodity.   On Saturday we had run out of the cow version and the spawn were going through withdrawal by Sunday morning.  Dr. Evil took pity and went to buy milk, eggs and butter.  Because we are so not vegan in my lair.

Sunday night we gathered around the dinner table to enjoy a pleasant meal.  That meal time soon turned hilarious and involved Eldest Spawn blushing to a shade not before seen in nature.

Eldest Female Spawn (EFS) lifts up the milk carton and says, “Wow.  Look at this.  In less than 1 hour we’ve consumed almost a whole gallon of milk.”  I quickly piped in, “Not dad or me!!  It’s all on you guys!  We don’t drink milk.”

To which Dr. Evil says, “I wonder if there’s any correlation to breast feeding and liking milk.”  Again, I quickly spoke up.  “Humans are the only animals that drink milk past infancy and we don’t even drink our own milk.”  BOOM!  I dropped some KNOWLEDGE down on that there table.  Eldest Spawn (ES) said, “Really Mom?  Really?”

And I dug myself in deeper when replying to Dr. Evil’s next comment about boys and breasts and obsessions.  “Ummmm….girls are breast feed and we aren’t obsessed with our breasts or those of our friends.”

If you can’t tell, we speak pretty openly here at the lair.

ES was really starting to laugh.  Then all the Female Spawn started to giggle.  ES stated, “You don’t even know what you’re laughing at.”  To which Second Eldest Female Spawn (SEFS) bust a gut and pointed at her non-existent breasts and said, “You mean these things!?”

I spit my water out across the table.

I said, “You were all breast fed.”  And then to the only boy at the table breast fed by me, “And you….you were the one I had to cut off.  The girls were all done about the same time around a year.  You….15 months.”

And then that shade of embarrassment never before seen in public … was very present.  And he quickly got over being embarrassed.

And all of this was in good natured humor.  No one was singled out.  Or rather no one was left out.  We all giggled and laughed and had fun.

So there.  BOOM!  I gave you some knowledge today.

And here’s a reference I went to find to support the random facts I carry around in my brain.  Since I’m the Cliff Clavin of bloggers.


Screen Shot 2014-04-03 at 8.14.07 AM EJ out – to prepare for the coming snowstorm by waxing my board so we can hit Afton Alps one last time!!!!


Help a knowledgeable mama move up the ranks at Top Mommy Blogs.  Click on the juggling lady there on the upper right…or if you’re on a mobile device, scroll down and you’ll see her at the bottom!


An Open Letter…..

To my Boobs….

Dear Breasts,

You and I know each other by your common nickname Boobs.  Not boobies.  Not the girls.  Not ta-tas.  Boobs.

I have to ask – what is your deal?

All women want is – ready for it – are you listening????  Is the opposite of what they have.  Is it that hard to figure out?  If we have flat ones, we want bigger ones.  If we have bigger ones, we want perky ones.  If we have perfect ones, we don’t realize they’re perfect and want either smaller, bigger or perkier ones.  I mean really…this isn’t rocket science.

When I was a young lass of 16, at a healthy weight, you came and dropped me with a 34 D or DD depending on the day.  No 16 year old girl who is 5’3” wants boobs that big.  Not in high school.  No.  Just .. no.

Pregnancies came along and you must have had an inferiority complex.  That baby bump can’t and won’t get bigger than these lady bumps.  38 H.  Yes, you read that right.  38.  H.  As in HUGE.  Some days they were 38 Fabulous.  Or 38 Grrrreeeat.  But they settled at 38 H.  And again – I’m 5’3”.  (and 3/4ths)

Screen Shot 2013-08-20 at 8.26.47 PM

Then there’s the breast-feeding thing.  Now …. I wanted and was able to breast feed my children.  Each of them for a year – plus all the milk in the freezer.  So thank you for that.  I appreciate it.

But would now Littlest is 5.  Haven’t breast fed her for 4 years.  Again, I appreciate the milk production but it can cease and desist.  Now.  Or yesterday.  Or last year.   But nooooooo – evidently this is something that will stick with me until menopause.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  Move on boob milk to someone who wants it.  I’m done with ya.  Now.

And please – women’s clothing is not designed for you to be this large and in charge.  You are so in charge.  There are so many awesome tops and dresses that I simply cannot wear.  You know…those cute ones with the cups cut in and shaped?  Yeah – the cup is designed to go under you boob – not at your nipple line.

One last beef I have with you right now.  I like to run.  Do you know I had to go to 35 miles to find the bra I needed for the marathon?  It was the only 38DDD in the area.  The scars on my back are like your version of tattoos.  I pick my own tattoos sista…..

Listen here bitches.  In about a year and half I plan on cutting you down to size.  Literally.  Once I hit my goal weight and stay there for a year….bah-bye boobies.  You will be a nice C cup – and I will finally get a pretty bra.

And boobs in the correct quadrant of my body.


Evil Joy

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