Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: cell phone

Instruction Guide to Not Being an Asshat…..

I’m borrowing a word from my friend and favorite blogger Snarkfest….Asshat.

Today’s post was inspired by … cell phones … and the asshatery people pull while using their cell phones.


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Evil Joy’s Guide to Not Being an Asshat

  1. If you are being waited on at a store, talk to the cashier, not your cell phone.  Otherwise, you’re being an Asshat.
  2. If you are walking down a store isle that is full of people, look up from your device.  Otherwise when you crash into the lady with a newborn baby, you’re being an Asshat.
  3. If you are driving in a school parking lot during drop off or pick up time, GET OFF YOUR PHONE.  DO NOT CHECK YOUR EMAIL.  Drive.  Otherwise…you’re not being an Asshat….You Are An Asshat.
  4. If you are in a restaurant and you need to take a call, do it.  However if you need carry on a conversation at the top of your lungs for a long time, step outside.  Otherwise, you’re being an Asshat.
  5. If someone makes a mistake filling the order you’re placing while you’re talking on your cell phone remember those around you can hear all you’re saying.  You may not want to insult the person filling your order to the person you’re talking to on your phone.  If you do, you’re being an Asshat.  And there are lots of witnesses.
  6. If you are unable to talk to a person uninterrupted by your cell phone, you need to change.  Otherwise, you’re being an Asshat.
  7. If you talk with your hands when you’re excited, don’t get excited while talking on the phone and driving.  Otherwise, you’re being an Asshat…and you may die.
  8. If you’re at your kid’s concert/sporting event/school conference put away your device and listen (after the few million required pictures of course).  Otherwise, you’re being an Asshat.
  9. If your kid can’t function without a device to occupy them every second of every day, teach them to.  Make them.  Otherwise you’re raising someone who could become an Asshat.
  10. And finally……USE COMMON SENSE!  Otherwise, you’re being an Asshat.

This public service message to Avoid Becoming an Asshat was inspired by stupid people in Sam’s Club.

Now…onto to better things.  Today is Sunday.  I typically don’t post on Sunday because it seems many of you don’t read on Sunday.  SO….feel free to read it on Monday or any other day of the week.  And share.  Because sharing is caring.  Facebook isn’t showing many people my posts anymore so I’m trying to reach as many of you as I can here on my blog, on instagram (@eviljoyspeaks) and on twitter (@eviljoyspeaks).  Feel free to share my posts, statuses, and pictures!  I love seeing what you all have to say and will do my best to respond!!!!

Have a fabulous, fun-filled, Asshat-free day!

EJ out – to soak up the 40 degree temps and clean a garage and about a shite ton of dog…shite out of my yard!  Smell ya later!


They wrote this one for me…..

So yesterday….we did it.

We didn’t spend any money.  But we renewed contracts and all that crap.  And got new phones.  We ‘purchased’ Eldest Spawn his first phone.  I’m fairly certain he was the only 8th grader in our district without his own phone.  Or any phone.  Now, he is in the ‘in.’


In the process of purchasing said new phones, in order for us to walk out of there owing $0.00 we had the ‘chance to add’ a home phone.  A phone that stays in the house.  A phone that doesn’t work away from its receiver, at least not far from its receiver.  And I bit.   With little spawn about and sometimes one spawn babysitting the others, I like the idea of a line dedicated to the house.

I took it a step further.  And decided to get a corded phone.

And the hilarity ensued.

First, Kool Krazi Kristi and I had to find such a phone.  We walked all over the store and finally found them.  Wal-Mart had two to choose from…..white for $5.96 or black for $9.96.  I’m cheap.

We arrived back at the lair and you’d think we bought the coolest, most desirable new toy.  The spawn were going crazy for this $6 phone.

These are the actual phrases the spawn used.

“So, is this what you had back in the old days?”

“What is that noise?!?!  It’s so loud!!”  (dial tone)

“Ummm, what am I suppose to do with it?”

“Okay I dialed the number, where’s the send or call button?”

“How do I end this call?”

“Okay – can I text from this phone?”

“Where is the screen?  Where are the games?”

“Does it get text messages?”

“What’s an answering machine?  What’s a message machine?  Oh – you mean voice mail?”

“Seriously, I don’t get this.”

“How cool am I?!” said as she sat on the counter because the cord wouldn’t let her wander about the house.

“Please Mama, I’m begging you, teach me how to use this phone!  It’s so cool!”



Needless to say, I showed them how to use the cool, new house phone.  And they know it’s not for playing.  It’s amazing how they never thought about knowing anyone’s phone numbers?!  We have a list of “need to know” numbers and a list of “friends to play” with numbers.  I actually knew most of the numbers.  (Impressive, huh, huh?   I think so!)

Now I won’t be searching for my phone and find it under a bed when spawn used it to call a friend to play and then forgot to give it back to me.  I have the peace of mind knowing we have a phone in the house.

That is really freaking cool.


EJ out – to take Eldest Spawn his lunch on a walking tour of Hudson.  Luckily for him he got a phone on Saturday for the first time and it allowed him to go on said tour – teacher was given permission over the phone this morning (I signed that permission slip weeks ago….) and will allow me to find him along the tour and deliver his lunch.  With all the embarrassing love I can muster.  “Here buddy of mine.  Love you.  I packed your favorite treats!” followed by hugs and smoochies.  That’ll teach him.


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How Many Phone Numbers Do You Know?

Let me share a Day in the Life of Evil Joy….a day gone wrong.  So very wrong.  (Not really – but now you’re wondering, aren’t ya?)

Friday morning I woke up at 4:02 am.  Wide freaking awake.  I laid there and fell asleep … around 5:45.  Stupid.  I should have just gotten up.


Jumped out of bed at 7:19 (weird – same time I woke up late last week).  Got the big spawn ready and out the door.  Littlest Spawn has preschool on Fridays so I got her all ready to go and myself set up to clean for someone.

Then it happened.

Where’s my phone?

Where the BLEEP is my phone?

Seriously – WHERE IS MY PHONE?!

Recently we activated an old (and I mean OLD) cell phone to keep at the house as a home line.  I grabbed that sucker and called myself.  I could hear it vibrating.  I turned the sound off at 4am when I woke up – thinking that someone had called and awakened the Evil Joy.  Okay….I hear it.

Can’t find it.

Call again.  And again.  And again.  For 15 minutes Littlest Spawn and I looked for my stupid Evil Bleeping Can’t Find It phone.


Finally I gave up and left.  I flew down the highway to meet Littlest Spawn’s carpool ride to school.  We missed her.

And I didn’t know the number to call to let the mom know we were late.

Flew down the interstate to school.  Got there.  Called Dr. Evil and asked him to text the house phone the number of the house I was cleaning so I could call her and let her know I was running late.

And I didn’t know the number.

Cleaning ran longer than intended.  Carpool ride back from school knew that would happen because she knows me.  I’m late when it comes to cleaning.  (If I tell you I’m cleaning for 2 hours – it’s mostly likely 2.5 or 2.75 hours….I can’t leave a job unfinished and I’m Awesome at underestimating the amount of time it takes me to do stuff – cause ya know – I’m Super Evil Joy Cleaning Woman.)  I was then running late for Littlest Spawn’s playdate.  Again – I called Dr. Evil to text me the number of the mom as I’m sure she was waiting in the driveway of our empty house.

Because I didn’t know the number.

Eventually that day I found my phone.  As I was cleaning up the mess I created looking for the phone.

How many numbers of those close to you do you know?  I was appalled at myself that I was unable to make more than a couple of calls without the help of my ‘address list’ in my phone.  I rely on it.  Let’s just say I made sure everything is backed up and made a list of important numbers ON PAPER for the truck.  Should this ever happen again (more like when) – I will not be as debilitated.


You know the kicker?  I didn’t know the number of the house phone I was using.  I have the number saved in my phone.

Do you have a backup in place if you lose your lifeline?  How do you feel about technology being a lifeline?  I hate it but I’ve totally embraced it and now rely on it.  Grrrrrrr.  Big Ol’ Evil GRRRRRRR.

EJ out – to prepare for tomorrow’s 18 mile run.  Send me strength, good wishes and all that crap.  Please.

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Evil Charges…..

Evil Joy here with a post about mobile phones and the companies charging ridiculous rates to use them…while in a different country….to contact your psycho Evil Wife…..to keep her from being More Evil and More Psycho….

Evil Hubby is away on business.  I think I’ve mentioned the fact several times.  Not only away on business, but in Switzerland.  Not South Carolina, Hutchinson MN, Japan or China like normal.  Switzerland.

(BTW Evil Hubby – if you ever read this – because I honestly don’t know if you do – I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to come on an overseas trip with you!)

Evil Hubby – being the wonderful Evil Spouse of Evil Joy for +15 years (and yes, I know I got married young….) – knows Evil Joy is a very very very very very very big worry wart – calls me via Skype via phone to let me know he’s alive and no Evil blood clots took over on the flight.  (my current Evil Worry….)  Wonderful Evil Hubby he is – I love love love he called me!!!  (I’m feeling words are not expressing my sentiment exactly so I’m using them over and over…..just in case you were wondering if the keyboard was oozing in Evilness.)

Thankful for Evil Email arriving when an Evil Call did not – Damn Evil Jet Lag – too tired to stay awake and call home…..

So I got on with my day.  

TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION!  TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION!  (while I’m in the shower removing Evil Stinkiness from working out…)

Wonderfully Evil Message from Evil Hubby!  But only a couple of texts as they cost $0.50 for him to send?! To me?  On the same network?!  On the same type of phone?!

And only an economical (NOT!) $0.05 to receive a text from me?  But wait – is it costing me $0.50 to send him a text?!?!  And $0.05 to receive?!

Evil Joy’s Applied Mathematics Bachelors Degree was not meant for this type of use.

So…Evil Charges…go suck a tree.  Peace of Mind, even this Evil Joy’s mind, is worth a pretty penny (or several of them as the case may be….)

Evil Joy out – to charge my phone and track my bill!

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