Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: chores

Sobbing Showers….

This morning SEFS (Second Eldest Female Spawn – age 9) had a massive meltdown.

Let me back up and set the scene. Monday night was ball. For all the girls. We didn’t get home and get them to bed until 9:30. (Keep in mind I’m Evil and they go to bed by 8pm at the latest most nights). Due to the late hour we skipped showers and told the Littles they could deal with washing up in the morning. They had a hard time settling. Finally around 9:45 they were quiet.


This morning dawned early for Eldest Female Spawn as she and Eldest leave for the bus at 6:37. The Littles were still asleep. Then it was 7:10 am. SEFS got up and got dressed immediately. She is very task focused and sometimes hyper focuses when overwhelmed. Littlest was down eating in the kitchen and SEFS came stomping in, wrapped in a blanket with weird glow in the dark eyes. I welcomed her to the day and gently reminded her to shower soon.

And that, my friends, is where things went south. South Pole south.

She stomped off, threw herself dramatically on the stairs and started bawling. Deep, gut wrenching sobs.

Over a freaking shower.

Have I mentioned I don’t have a lot of patience or tolerance for behavior I deem inappropriate? No? Well I don’t.

I told her she had 2 minutes to pull herself together and get up to shower before the kids I babysit arrived. She dramatically made her way up to take a bath – most likely at this point simply because I told her to take a shower. (I figured that is what she would do ….hahahahaha – reverse psychology. What a victory….I outwitted 9 year old.)

She sobbed the entire time. But not really. It was this weird sob / hysterical laugh combination that had me watching her to see if her head would spin or if she would start spewing frogs or levitating. It was the laugh of horror movies and I wish I’d captured it on video.

This overtired kid pulled her shit together and got ready for school. She rocked her day. While I hate that her day had such a rocky start, I’m proud of her for conquering herself and getting on with a good day.

Proof a good – albeit strange – cry can help you get through. I know a few adults who could learn from her.

But I want to be there to witness the head spinning, frog spewing levitation that takes place!

EJ out – to order up some business cards!  If you order a book from me I’ll sign it and send you one of these snazzy cards I’m working on!  PM and we’ll get it set up!

Minions Required


Hey all my Evil Lovies.  I’ve been missing in action as of late.  Life is really keeping me….carpooling and ball game watching.  Mom of Evil Joy broke a hip so I got to hang out in Iowa for a bit.

  I promise to be back to a more regular posting schedule next week.  I miss hearing from all of you – whether or not you’ve missed me is yet to be seen!  Bwaahwahahahahaha!

So these past few weeks I’ve been noticing a trend.  

I’ve been spending a large portion of my life cleaning up my house while my spawn have been spending a large portion of their lives swimming, jumping on the trampoline, playing with friends and messing up my house.

You all know I’ve got issues with tidy spaces within my own house.  I like the beds made, the toys put away at night, and the weeds pulled.  

None of which has been happening. 

Enter Evil Joy.

Oh, you want to play with a friend?  Okay.  After you do these five chores.  

Oh it’s time for your friend to go home now?   Okay.  After you all spend 10 minutes cleaning up the messes you made.  I know it’ll make her late but that’s okay, I’m sure her mom would agree with me.  You don’t think so?  I don’t care.

I refuse to raise entitled little brats.  Granted we have allowed them – or rather made them – to be entitled, but my spawn will know how to work.  They will know what it feels like to do a good job and then enjoy the feeling that comes from completing a task.

I have to give credit where credit is due.  Yesterday two of the Female Spawn decided they wanted their rooms rearranged.  Again.  (They have a thing about changing up their spaces – no idea where they get their obsessions…no idea at ALL!?!)  I told Eldest Female Spawn she was capable of doing it herself.  She developed a plan, asked me about it and implemented it from start to finish. (Which I have to say, impressed me.  The plan and the asking before action.)  Second Eldest Female Spawn needs assistance with her plan but I told her she must maintain a tidy room and do her chores without me asking in order for me to help her complete the plan.   She cleaned her room (she shares with Littlest) by outlining tasks for herself and employing Littlest to do her will and they did a fabulous job.  (Now…IKEA – I need to put bunk beds BACK together tonight – I made them once upon a time and took them apart in November.) 

They did their part, now I have to follow through on mine.

And not to leave out Eldest Spawn.  The boy knows how to do his own laundry.  And does it.  Regularly.  Before he runs out of clean clothing.  He took it upon himself to do this task.  Asked for instructions on the washing machine and how much clothing to put in said machine.  I have to say I’m impressed.  He has an advantage many entering college don’t have….he knows how to do his laundry.  And how to put sheets on his bed.  How to clean a bathroom and run a vacuum.  Eldest loves to mow the yard and I’m glad he knows that but I’m more proud of the fact he can do his own laundry.   (And I don’t have to have clothing pin marks on my nose the rest of the day since he doesn’t mind his own stank.)

The thing is I love taking care of things for people, especially MY Little People.  But my little people need to help out here because otherwise I can’t do it all and then I turn all EVIL and it’s not fun for anyone.  Besides, I had four spawn for a reason.  

I needed minions.

Screen Shot 2014-07-02 at 7.44.17 AMScreen Shot 2014-07-02 at 7.44.17 AM

EJ out – to deal with the effects of giving up soda AGAIN.  When oh when will I learn just to say no to Diet Coke and Diet Dew?  Diet Pepsi and Diet Sprite?  The siren call of the diet pop is like music to my caffeine deprived ears.  But alas, I will stay strong.  I will do it.  I may be Evil Joy with an extra dose of Evil, but I’ll do it.

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Don’t Mess with Mama Monday

Can you feel the steam exploding from my ears?  If not, trust me, global warming has taken a hit in the last 12 hours.

Photo on 3-25-13 at 5.07 PM #2

Eldest Spawn.  You are in a world of trouble.  I’ve been more angry in the past, but wow.  You took it to a new level today – a new deception attempt level.  Note the attempt.  Remember – it was attempted and squashed.  Let this be a lesson.

You blew it.  Big time.  By playing on my biggest fear and consideration for my spawn.


Telling me you threw up so you wouldn’t have to go to school.  And then putting shredded wheat on the toilet and telling me there was some “splash back” from when you threw up.  And spilling your cereal on the floor.

You should know my Mom Spidey Sense was atinglin’ – I can smell a lie like a fart in an elevator.  (I think that’s a movie quote….).  I sat there, on the couch adjacent to you, talking to you, listening to the answers, the Mom Spidey Sense tingle getting stronger and stronger.

Then I flat out said, “I don’t believe you.”

You threw yourself dramatically on the couch.  Then about 20 seconds later, fessed up.  You weren’t sick.  You were worried about a test you forgot about.

Oh wow.  Seriously.

Then you had the EVIL AUDACITY to attempt to put it back on me.  “You expect perfection.”


In no uncertain terms I simply said, “I expect your best effort.”


Followed by, “Get your butt on the bus.  You can study during lunch, on the bus, or in-between classes.”


Then I sent him out the door with the knowledge punishment would be coming, hard, swift, and….


So far he has lost XBox, iPod, iPad, and Beats privileges for one week.  Oh and computer access other than for school work.  (we’re not spoiled at all….) And next he has to write out 5 punishments and I get to choose 1-3 of them depending on what he comes up with.  And call Dr. Evil (on travel this week) and tell him what he did.  And … he specifically tried to throw out the “Don’t blog about this.”  So….of course I am!

He has just read this.  Tried unsuccessfully to edit or delete parts.  I felt the need to sit on him and show him who is boss.

As you see, this Evil Mama reigns supreme.


I am seriously angry.  This is not something acceptable in my lair.  In a while, we’ll laugh about it.  Right now…he’s doing chores and will be doing more chores in the upcoming days.  And will think twice about ever telling me he’s sick again because unless I see puke leaving his body or he has a raging temperature – he’s going to school.  Every freaking day.



EJ out – to get that list and have fun picking out punishments.

Take a minute and give this Evil Mama some support.  Click on the juggling lady to cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!


And go visit Snarkfest and buy “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

Evil Laziness….and Evil Enabling….

Evil Joy here with a post on chores.  Evil Chores according to my spawn.  Which leads to Evil Whining.  Then Evil Joy Speaking.

Grrrr.  Why in the world did I EVER allow my spawn to sit on the couch and watch a show, even tell me to move so they can see said show, while I picked up their Evil Crap and vacuumed up their Evil Crumbs?  Why, for the love of Pete, did I do that?

Because I’m Mom…and before last year, Evil Joy didn’t get out much – I didn’t let her escape very often….not nearly often enough.  And seeing as I’ve trained my spawn to sit on their arses while I do the chores around here, retraining them is Evil Tiring.

I believe the spawn should do as I say.  I’m all good with some questions here and there, but seriously – get up and do what I say.  Not in an Evil Second.  NOW.  Trust me, it’s in your best interest.  Spawn have learned when I reach a particular Evil Boiling Point to move at an acceptable pace and get their Evil Crap picked up.  Problem is, they think the Evil Boiling Point is the only point at which they are required to respond in what I deem an appropriate manner.  They are learning Evil Boiling Point is no longer the proper time to respond, but well before Evil Boiling Point.

It’s been a long learning process for what I consider to be pretty bright spawn.

Smart Spawn….they have it figured it out.  If they move slow enough and do a goofy enough job, they figured out I’ll just do it.  And complain Evil Loudly and Evil Yell while I do it.

Smart Spawn.  Then they simply get sent to their part of the lair … where all their toys and books are located.

Smart Spawn.  Guess what….Evil Joy finally caught on.

See….I caught on to Dr. Evil and the laundry debacles early on.  He dried all my new clothes one time.  Given the fact I bought more than one thing, and it wasn’t under $5, and all purchases were wrecked….I took over and never ever gave back the laundry duties.  However, being a Evil Smart Guy – sometimes I wonder …. but no, he knows how much I hate to shop and how much more I hate to spend money.  But there’s this cooking thing he does, and does well, so….I guess I have to let it be……maybe.


Spawn – get ready to meet your chore chart.

Joy/Mom – stop being so OCD and let them do their jobs to the best of their abilities.  The drawers may be a little messier, but they’ll have a bit of ownership!

EJ out – to cheer on Eldest Spawn at baseball!!  Go Redz!

Oh yeah – show me some Evil Love and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the Right – one click.  Plllleeeaaaasssseeeee.  Said in best Evil Whining Spawn impression.

Evil Oddness

Evil Joy here with a post on the oddities that are my Spawn.

So…just in case you have forgotten – it’s been a wonderful, hot, humid summer thus far. Lots of swimming, lots of gardening, lots of being outside, and lots of sweating.

Finally my Spawn have all (ALL!!) decided showering is a good thing, not a chore.  This rocks.  We have chlorine in our pool and swimming in the river…well…that requires a shower after….’nuff said.

To set the scene : Eldest Female Spawn has this super cute short pixie hair cut.  Her choice.  Not mine (although I secretly jumped for Me when she got it).  



Middle Female Spawn just donated 10+ inches of hair so hers is chin length.  


Littlest Female Spawn has feathers for hair so she has the Dora the Explorer hair cut minus the bangs.  


Dr. Evil would like all Females in the family to have long, beautiful hair.  ummmm….until they can take care of it themselves….not happening dude.  Unless you stay home and brush it out and do it every single day…..That’s what I thought.  I’ve grown mine out longer than it’s been in over 5 years so that’ll have to do.  The Female Spawn…much more pleasant with shorter hair.  No chasing around and sitting on them to get their hair done properly before the bus comes.

Okay – on to the (more) odd part.  They – the Middle Female Spawn and Littlest Female Spawn – are OBSESSED with my blowdryer.  They are taking showers just to wash their hair – just so they can blow-dry it.  Weirdos.  It’s hot outside.  Like triple digit hot.  

(And no worries, I’m Evil Uber Crazy Safe Mama – I set it up no where near any water or sinks – in the hall way actually – and I make sure they can’t burn their sweet little heads.)

Littlest Spawn at 5:13 am this morning : Mama – mama – I want to take a shower.  Turn it on for me.

Me : umm no – it’s 5am.  Leave me alone and get out of my room.  Go watch a show if you can’t sleep.


Me : ummm nope.  In 2 hours you can take a shower.  When the first number on the clock is a 7.  Don’t talk to me about showers until then.

5 minutes pass.

LS : Can I watch a show.  Will you turn it on?  But since you’re getting up, why don’t you turn the shower on for me?  I can do the rest Mama.

Evil Giggle escaped my mouth.  I couldn’t keep a straight face.  4 year olds are not supposed to be this logical.

What a sweet face and Spawn to wake up with.  

She did have to wait until 7am to take a shower though….bawahahahahaha!

Showers – keep on working – with 4 women in this house – yikes.

Blow dryer – run – run while you can.  Hide.  They.Are.Obsessed.

Female Spawn – keep being sweet!  I love you!!!

EJ out – to go hide the blow dryer until tomorrow!

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