Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: cooking

Fartapocalypse

I have a thing.  This thing is important to me.  And apparently, only me.

Do. Not. Fart. Around. Me.

And more importantly…

Do. Not. Fart. At. The. Dinner. Table.

I’d prefer you didn’t belch, burp, toot, or shart there either.  Particularly the last one.

I was raised that farting, well, tooting, is done while you are sitting on the toilet.  Not while walking around.  Not on purpose.  Not in the presence of another person unless you completely can’t help it (and then you move quickly and look disapprovingly towards the person nearest the smell you created).

One does not fart on purpose at the table.  Any table.  One does not fart while sitting on a couch, chair, or in the car.  And if one, say an Evil Joy, has gut issues, you just don’t …. because a fart…could be so much more than just a fart.  So no.  Just no.

After a wonderful day free of farting and full of cooking by Dr. Evil and Eldest Female Spawn we gathered around the dinner table.

Home made pizza and then…the pièce de résistance…..homemade lemon sherbet and lemon blueberry cake with a cream frosting.  (I married smart people…..a man who loves to cook…AND…is good at it.)

Dinner was over and we were sitting around the table.  Finally, an evening at home together.  No one needed to be rushed to a meeting, practice, game, tournament, or lesson.  Just quiet…..and then…..

“BERLT!”  A sound emitted from Eldest’s bum.

I said, “Really???  We almost made it through dinner without anyone farting!  And you?  You never fart at the table.”

Followed by .. “BBEERRRLT!”

“Seriously Dr. Evil….”

and “BerrLT!” from Eldest Female Spawn.

“When you all shite your pants, I’m not washing them!”  Eldest quips in, “I do my own laundry anyways Mom!”

I stood up and said, “I’m done with you people.” And walked away.

And went to bed.

Today I did laundry.  I didn’t look too closely at anything.

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And I have no idea why I decided to represent a fart noise with “Berlt.”  But it worked.  You got the point right?

EJ out – to do yet another load of laundry.

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Mind Reading….Jedi Evil Joy Style

Mind reading.  It’s a skill as a mom you master.  It’s the Jedi force that enters your body as the baby leaves.

You know when your spawn is going to puke.  You know you’re going to have to stop at the bathroom 712 times on a trip that should only be 4 hours long … now 5.5 hours into and still not there.  You know tomorrow is going to be a long day because you let your spawn stay up to cuddle with them.  You know when your spawn is lying.

Then there is the husband to consider.  I do wish Dr. Evil could read my mind.  Wellllll…not all the time…just sometimes.

I would be able to use my Jedi Mind Forces to send to him what I’m thinking.

Situation #1

Jedi Evil Joy : Thought : “I really want to watch ‘Skyfall’ tonight.”

skyfall-ceasefire-magazine

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Evil  : Let’s watch “The Walking Dead.”

 

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Result : Fail.  Jedi Mind Powers were not strong enough.

In this instance I used the force known as my Evil Mouth and Voice instead of my Jedi Mind Force because I can’t watch that stuff before bed and hope to sleep.  And I mean come on – Daniel Craig – yummy – vs Freaky Dead Walking Things?  Need I say more?

Situation #2

Jedi Evil Joy : Thought : “Bring me flowers.  I clean the house because it’s important to you.  Flowers are important to me.  Brrrriiinnngggg me ffloooweers.”

Dr. Evil : “Hi.”

In this instance I used the Texting Power of the iPhone and Eldest Spawn to tell him I wanted flowers.

He sent me a graphic on text of flowers.  I replied, “real ones.”

He sent me a picture of live flowers.

Damn engineers – they are so literally.

Situation #3

Jedi Evil Joy : Thought : “Clean up the kitchen – you’re trashing it making us an awesome dinner.”

Dr. Evil : “I know I’m making a mess, I’ll clean it up!”

Holy Cow!?!?!  It worked?!?!?!

It had nothing to do with the Evil Stink Eye I was sporting when I walked into the mess.

 

Dr. Evil is going to be traveling a lot for work in the upcoming weeks and possibly months.  He used to travel all the time – for weeks at a time.   (Thanks for the frequent flyer miles!!  Only way this family of six is going anywhere on an airplane!)  In the last several years it has only been a week here or there or a few days a week once a month or so.

Well…he’s going to attempt to average out all that travel-less time in the next month.

I’m cool with it.  I’m just thankful he has a job.

And … he’s working on trying to get me out there with him for a weekend.  There being San Diego, CA.

Typically he doesn’t get to go to cool places like San Diego.  So when he suggested we use a few frequent flyer miles to get away together…..holy cow….I jumped!

Now for the Evil Joy Jedi Mind Powers to work on the frequent flyer mileage required to go to San Diego.  And on someone to watch the spawn.  And on someone to watch our four-legged spawn.

 

EJ out – to eat lunch.

 

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graphic source : ceasefiremagazine.co.ukstarcasm.net

 

Interesting Evenings in the Evil Household…..

So last night I fell asleep on the couch while watching “The Matrix.”  Can you even imagine the dreams I had?!  Nope.  You can’t.  I can’t even fathom the images my brain conjured.  I’m slightly disturbed in fact.  But that’s for another post….

Before that it had been an interesting day.  Not in the right order.  Like I-got-a-shower-in-the-morning not in the right order kind of day.  I got to hang with a friend, another friend, AND have lunch out because Littlest Spawn had an AWESOME dental report (not a given in our house – our spawns’ teeth suck big time – bad enamel).  Then I had the privilege of helping out a special friend for a bit.

Then…my awesome friend/neighbor texted me and asked if I had pie crust or biscuits.  I responded with “Yup on the crust but we normally make the biscuits from scratch – what do you need?”  She didn’t need a thing.  She had extra chicken pot pie filling.  And wanted to know if we wanted it for dinner tonight.

Duh.

YES!  I’ll be right over – even in my stately pjs (only 5pm – but hey I had to shower again so why wear different clothes and get more dirty therefore making more laundry).

And it was delish.

I said to the spawn, “This is way better than my pot pie.”

Eldest Female Spawn – ever so sweetly – said, “Mom yours is just as good.”

Eldest Spawn – ever so factually – said, “No – this is better.  Mom’s is okay but this is actually good.”

Nicely said – you little $hit.

It was waaaaay better.  They licked (literally before I made them stop because they were making me gag) the glass pan clean.  It was THAT good.

Thanks friend/neighbor!  You rock.

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EJ out – to learn new cooking skills and get ready for the SUNDAR IMPORTS Pop-Up BOUTIQUE! tonight – 5pm – under Knoke’s in Hudson!!!  Bring canned food donation.  Do it do it do it do it.

 

And I don’t normally do this but I have to send a shout out to K2 Snowboarding.  The customer service I received has been beyond what you dream of!  Thanks!!!  Here’s hoping we get to snowboard this weekend.

 

Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon (the juggling lady) to cast a vote for me daily.  Please!!  I’ve slipped to Number 14!!??!

And if you have a generous heart, click on my other favorite blogs to cast a vote : Skinny Jeans & Yoga Pants, Hot Mess Mom, Diary of a Mad Woman, Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva and any others you find and love.  And go visit Snarkfest!!!  And Running Towards the Light Without Spilling My Drink!  And Mom-spirational .  And Let Me Start by Saying.  And Elf Shaming.  And Somewhat Sane Mom.  And Werd-yab.  And Moms Who Drink and Swear.

There are lots more – but without much caffeine on board – this is what I’ve got.  Go check out my Blogs I Read page…..

When Pineapples Attack….

Evil Joy here with a post on groceries, spawn, and how groceries increase in size exponentially as the spawn increase in number.

So, as I’ve said before, we are able to grocery shop at Sam’s Club.  Like normal people go to Cub, Rainbow, Hy-Vee, or Piggly Wiggly – we go to Sam’s Club or Costco.  Weekly.  For normal stuff like milk, eggs, and salad.  Instead of 12 eggs, we get 36.  Instead of one head of romaine, we get six.  You get the idea.

This morning, I’m half asleep trying to make lunches for the spawn (Burton Puppy will learn to sleep in his crate – just in the meantime, I don’t get any sleep because he cries.  And I’m a weenie so it wakes me up.)  Realized we had apples yesterday for lunches and for evening snack.  So….what else….well…I don’t want to share my grapefruit – and no one else really likes it anyways.  Then I spot this ginormous can of pineapple.

cup and lunch container in picture for size perspective…..

 

Yup – that’s how we roll here in the Lair of Evil Joy.  And you know what’s really scary?  We have more cans of this size.  You know what’s even more scary.  In less than 10 hours, the can of pineapple has been half consumed.  Watch out bathrooms…spawn will come coming.

EJ out – to find something to negate all the pineapple eaten in our house today!

Sooth our tummies with love and vote for me over at Top Mommy Blogs – just click on the juggling lady in the upper right.  Thanks!

 

 

 

Who Killed This Chicken?

Evil Joy here with a post on the comments from a 4 year’s old mouth and my lack on imagination when it comes to answering said questions.

So Littlest Spawn is helping me prepare dinner after a long (but good) day at preschool.  Out of nowhere….

LS : “Mom, I really feel bad for this chicken.  I don’t think I’ll feel good about eating dinner tonight.”

Me : “Why do you feel that way?”

LS : “The chicken.  It got killed.  Who killed it?  Do they eat chicken?  Or did we just get it from the store?  It’s not a real chicken right – like with feathers and stuff?”

Me : “Yes.  This was a real chicken with feathers and legs and a beak.  It was killed and prepared so we could eat it.  Circle of life honey.”

LS : “Does that mean someone is going to eat me?!?”

Me : In lieu of the statement I wanted to make “Well – if dinosaurs were out there or if you get lost in a jungle, yes, honey someone may well eat you.”  I instead said, “No sweetheart.  No one is going to eat you.”

She was still really perplexed by the whole thing.  Wanted to know exactly how the chicken died, where it lived before that, and why it decided to become dinner.  Why did the chicken decide to die?

She may have been perplexed, but she was hungry too.  As she was shredding the meat for chicken noodle soup, she kept eating it.

I called her out on it and made her wash her hands anytime she touched her mouth.

LS : “But Mom, he wanted to eaten right?  I’m doing my best to make him happy.  And I’m hungry.”

Good point Littlest Spawn, good point.

EJ (aka Chicken Murderer Supporter) out – to fill out forms about Spawn – I wish there was a place we could send everyone to where the info they wanted was safely stored – like Data Warehousing For Parents…..

Throw me a little Evil Love here and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  One click.  And go to the Blogger Idol page on Facebook and tell them you like me!  Evil Joy!  Tell them, tell them, tell them!

 

(graphic source :http://clclt.com/theclog/archives/2012/02/10/playing-chicken-two-political-foes-become-allies-imagine-that,http://www.finecooking.com/item/9392/five-tips-for-the-perfect-roast-chicken)

Don’t Forget The Evil Non-Stick Spray!

Evil Joy here with a post on cooking, messes, and yummy gluten free foods!

Okay – I don’t have Celiacs Disease or anything like that but gluten and I – NOT friends.  My gut and gluten have a hate-hate relationship and it suits me well to avoid it when possible.  I do eat some here and there and then – inevitably – use many Evil Words and vow to NEVER eat it again…until the next time I do.

So when I hear about a recipe for something my family likes to eat that I normally have to skip – Bring. It. On!  At Baseball Mom’s Night’s Out – super easy recipe (thanks BH) for waffles.

1 part oatmeal

1 part milk

Let sit for minimum one hour.  Cook in waffle iron.

That’s it.  Nothing else.  SWEET!  And Evil Bonus – hardly any mess to be made with only two ingredients.  Less Evil Clean Up to be done!

So…Saturday morning approaches.  I go get the groceries I need.  Evil Hubby and I have this free app (Our Groceries) and we can add lists and items per store – it updates both our lists and will even email the list if we want.  So he got to the list.  I took my phone to have said list.  Got the things on Evil List.

I get the oatmeal all ready to go.  No Milk.  WTHeck!?!?!  We always have milk. The Spawn are slightly confused when we run out – they believe the Milk Fairy brings it at night for them to enjoy the next day.

There was No Milk on The List.  Evil Words escaped Evil Joy’s mouth (the Spawn were upstairs and out of ear shot).  Evil Hubby happily went to the convince store to get milk – I think to escape Evil Joy’s wrath for not properly using said list.

Finally.  Have oatmeal.  Have milk.  Have 1.5 hours to clean and do laundry.

……

Okay – now – waffle iron hot.  We’re ready to rock and roll.

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Put the Evil Yummy Looking Batter into said waffle iron.  Scrub floor on half of kitchen while waiting.  Open waffle iron.

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SERIOUSLY?!?!?!  EVIL WORDS – THOUGHTS – STEAM all escaped my head.  GGGRRRRRRRR!

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…..

However, I do have to say – it was mighty tasty!  And Gluten Free!!!

And…I remembered to use the Evil Non-Stick Spray after before mentioned disaster and had Evil Raving Success!

Evil Joy out – to find a crock pot recipe for Evil Flank Steak (and to eat a waffle for breakfast!).

Evil Tastebuds VS Evil Joy Borrowed Recipes

Evil Joy here with a post about food.  Food my children will Eat.  And Food my children will NOT eat.

(Please note, this post deals with Spawn #1, #2, and #4 as Spawn #3 doesn’t like anything except mac cheese, grilled cheese, candy, salsa, and chips.  Oh yeah – peanut butter and nutella as well.)

I try to cook healthy meals for my Evil Family.  Sometimes, like last night, I get creative with other food items resulting in a less than healthy meal.  We had home-cooked (not homemade – Costco purchased) waffle fries, chicken pieces, and green beans.  And a big salad.  We almost always have a big salad requiring lots of Evil Cutting and Evil Knife Dirtying.  (We have to keep our compost going, ya know?!)

I, in my Evil Wisdom, decided to make a healthy version of something Spawn #3 likes, but all 4 Spawn eat.  Healthier hazelnut spread.

Epic. Failure.

Remember the part about me being an Evil Cheapskate?  Well….I should have seen the Evil Writing on the grocery receipt.  $11.99 for a pound of hazelnuts?!?!?  WHAT?!  And $10 for coconut oil.  (However, I wanted to purchase coconut oil anyways…this was my Evil Excuse…Bawhahahahaha).

Then there’s the Evil Multitasking occurring.  I decide, again in my Evil Wisdom, to work on making dinner and this Evil Freaking Spread at the same time.  Take dinner out, turn off oven (oh yeah – did I mention you have to roast the Evil Hazelnuts in the oven) with intent to remove hazelnuts once I’ve made room for all the pans.  15 minutes later Evil Words escaped my mouth.  I had left them in the oven, albeit a turned off oven, but inside an oven nonetheless.

Hazelnuts looked a little…toasted.  But after peeling…(oh yeah – did I mention you have to remove the shells from roasted Evil Hazelnuts?  It’s sort of like a peanut skin.  Great.  I recruited Evil Hubby to help me.) said Evil Hazelnuts, we ate a few and … they tasted Evilly Wonderful!

Sweet!  Maybe this will work….(Evil Sigh currently escaping my mouth)……

So…the processing begins.  Spinning nuts around until they turn into a buttery substance smelling so Evilly Wonderful we kept stopping the processor and smelling them!  Add Evil Cocoa Powder…unsweetened of course, and honey (as I was trying to avoid white processed sugar and was out of stevia and truvia).  Again, Evil Words …. not enough honey.  I proceed, Evilly Determined to maintain the healthy-ness of this spread.  Coconut oil, sea salt, pure vanilla.  I thought it was pretty tasty.

Both Evil Hubby and I decided it did need to be a bit sweeter though…

Damn Evil White Sugar.  About 1/2 cup of it…Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

(I spent $20 to make this healthy and now I’m adding sugar?!?!  WTHeck!?!?!)

But…it did taste a little better…..I admit when I’m wrong…sometimes.

Got it all jarred up.  In the fridge to cool.  And we asked Spawn #3 if she wanted to try the Chocolate spread.  Why did we ask her – she doesn’t like anything?!?!

And of course….she said, “Ewww!” with an Evil Expression on her cute little face.

So…now I have two jars of homemade spread to enjoy…all to my Evil Self.

Evil Joy out – to find other healthy recipes to make with all this Evil Healthy Spread so I’m not stuck with it all for-Freaking-ever!

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(you can tell which one Spawn #3 utilized this morning…..)

Enough with the bickering…seriously! And the Eye Rolling…..

Evil Joy here with a post about the love between sisters.  And the bickering.  And Evil Evil Eye Rolling….

Alright.  I wanted 6 spawn.  Hubby said 2.  We agreed on 4.  (Thank goodness we like even numbers, right?!).  I think I wanted 4 spawn since I came from a family where I am the 4th of 4 perfect children.  And of course, as the youngest, I am the most perfect.  Just ask my brother.

I think the fact I pretty much grew up as an only child (since I was the ‘oops’ kid coming 8 years after the next closest) didn’t occur to this Evil parent until the Evil interactions between siblings began.  And it pretty much began immediately.  Eldest Spawn liked to ‘swing’ Eldest Girl Spawn in the Johnny Jumper.  Like 5 feet in the air.  Not cool.  Showing Evil streak at age 3!  And with little bifocals – Eldest Evil Spawn looked like the boy who could rule the world!

Evil Hubby is on the Evil travel for work.  He is going to be doing that a lot.  Can I just say “grrrrr!” now?  Thank goodness for frequent flyer miles and his understanding I get to go out and be alone when he gets home or I would be Evil Joy with an extra big capital E and extra big capital J.  Having experienced said extra Evil Joy, he is very understanding about me leaving for a while – night out here and there.

Back to the bickering.  Above mentioned facts in place.  Hubby gone.  Already having Evil interactions between siblings.  Oh yeah – and the Evil headache from hell.

Dinner is done.  I hate to cook.  I am proficient at it, but I detest it and would happily eat tomatoes for dinner (and breakfast and lunch) if it weren’t for these Spawn I had to have.  Homework is complete.  Only a little Evil grumbling occurred – bonus when compared to normal large amounts of Evil grumblings.  Eldest Spawn is out the door to Boy Scouts.  Evil Hubby Facetimes me while I’m cleaning up the Evil dishes (real reason I hate to cook).  And…..

Let the Bickering Beeeeeggggggginnnnnnnn (said in best WWF voice!)

Seriously.  What the Heck!?!?  Bickering over a magnetic rock.  And then over an accidental kick during karate play.  Evil reply from Evil Joy “what do you expect…you know she’s playing karate and you walk up to her – behind her – where she can’t see or hear you…..”  Much Evil Stomping and Evil EYE ROLLING – EVIL EVIL EVIL EYE ROLLING – SEE EVIL JOY EXPLODING INSIDE HEAD – remaining only slightly Evil Joy on the outside…..Time to regroup.

Due to said Evil headache – we’re watching a movie tonight.  Eldest Female Spawn usually gets to pick movie.  Tonight I said Next Eldest Female Spawn could.  Followed by more EVIL EYE ROLLING.  Evil threats escaped from Evil Mom’s mouth, “Really – if you do that again – you’ll be….in trouble!” I sputtered.  More Evil Stomping followed by Evil bickering about getting out of the way and who was in the way.  Time for another regroup.

Okay.  So now movie is on.  The Evil Comatose State in front of the television in place.  I feel like a bad evil parent – sticking Spawn in front of tv so I can sit with my eyes closed, watching the movie.  However, tomorrow is a new day.  More Evil exploits will occur.  It’s okay to have a night of movie.  And eye closed movie watching.  (Which, btw, means I can’t see Evil Eye Rolling occurring in my direction when I ask the volume to be lowered again and again…)

Evil Joy out – to find the Tylenol – and the remote to turn off the sound…..

Spaghetti Squash and a Cast….and a Really Big Knife…

Evil Joy here with comments on trying to make a healthy dinner for the family and include a gluten-free aspect for myself.

Today’s focus : Really hard spaghetti squash and a really dull knife….

Okay, so .. it’s hard enough trying to cook for my family when the Evil husband is a waaayyy better cook than I am.  He enjoys it.  And usually leaves me an Evil mess to clean up when he’s done.  I am happy eating tomatoes with sea salt.  For every meal and snack.  All the time.  But I digress….

My spawn love love love spaghetti – now…it of course can’t be that simple.  Eldest spawn likes it with red sauce but absolutely (to the point of puking) NO parmesan.  Eldest female spawn likes it with anything and everything.  Third spawn in line likes it with only parmesan and a bit of salt.  Absolutely nothing else.  Forth spawn will and does eat absolutely anything!  And then there’s me…I have to go with the gluten-free options or my gut goes Evil Gut on Joy resulting in very very Evil Joy.  And Brent just adds Tabasco to everything I make since he likes the Evil bite of spice way more than I do.  I like taste – not pain…but I digress again…..

This lovely cast – now splint – makes cooking (and life in general) interesting.  Didn’t think of that when I decided to make the Evil Spaghetti Squash.  Was more fearful of Evil Gut.  So I have the sauce cooking. the parm ready for those that Require it, and decide time to get the squash going so I can eat at the same time as the family.

And then I try to cut it.  And get stuck.  Really stuck to the point of pounding the squash on the counter to release the Really Big Knife I’m utilizing.  As it’s a weekday only Marleigh is home and I don’t think asking a 4-year-old for assistance in this matter is acceptable…..

Now if I had full Evil use of both of my hands, wrists, and arms – no issues.  However with said Evil Cast causing immobility on dominate right hand the Really Big Knife was rather stuck.

Eventually I freed the Really Big Knife (why is knife spelled like that, really?  I digress yet again….).  And went on to over cook the squash.  Instead of spaghetti squash I had squash mush with homemade sauce.  Not all that bad if you didn’t have teeth to use – perfect for babies and for Evil Joy with Evil Cast.  And as I’m the only one in our clan that likes squash I have loads to eat.  Luckily I only cooked one of the two and will have another shot at making it perfectly Evil.

Evil Joy out  –  to clean the kitchen since wonderfully Evil husband made coffee cake with wheat flour – seriously – I Get to clean up the mess and not eat the gluten filled yumminess.  What the heck?!?!

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