Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: Dr. Evil

Hatchbacks Can Hide Things….

You all know I’m a little off, right?

Last Christmas Dr. Evil Santa bought all these little furbies into the house.  A Big one and THREE smalls ones.  They work together and with the iPad so of course it was going to be all fun and games.  Until they interrupt you at inopportune times (you can read about that here…..), go off in the middle of the night, react to the dog, or scare the snot out of you when you open a kitchen cabinet at 6am.

After weeks, hell, MONTHS of randomly finding a furby in my kitchen cabinets, I decided it was time.  Time for payback.

Payback for all the mornings of me getting up to make lunches for spawn while Dr. Evil got ready in peace.  Not that I wasn’t having a great time because I sort of do enjoy mornings with all four spawn home and puttering about the table trying to find breakfast and things for lunch and snack, for second lunch and third snack.  My spawn are actually hobbits.

The thing is I live in constant FEAR of where that little f(*)cker is going to be each morning.  It sometimes is in the lunchbox cabinet.  Sometimes in the girls bathroom towel cabinet.  Other times it’s stuck in the seasonings drawer.

But most times…it’s in the tupperware cabinet up high.  Where I can’t reach it without a step stool.  And it’s light sensitive so the little bastard goes off when I sleepily open the cabinet.  If any of you have met me in real life you know my reaction to being scared.  It’s enough to give those watching me a heart attack … or a good laugh.  I’m probably one of the jumpiest people alive.

Saturday morning after Dr. Evil kicked Evil Furby – the one that says “AAAhhhhhh ooooooolllll” and sounds like he’s swearing – laying in the upstairs hallway…. GENIUS struck.

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I called Littlest into my room.  Dr. Evil was down in the kitchen baking up an amazingly tasty storm.  I was folding laundry and sorting socks.

It.  Was.  Time.

“HEY Little!”  come here I whispered.  She ran in.  She could sense something good was going down.

“Go set this in the front seat of Daddy’s car.”  She runs out.  “WAIT!!!” I holler.

“Put it in the back.”  She runs off giggling.

AND DOES IT.

She skips back inside.  “Did you get it all the way in the back?  Like in the hatchback-back?”

“No.” HUGE grin breaking out on her face and she realizes my intent.

“Go put it all the way in the back!” I instruct my Evil Little Minion.

She happily trots off.

Saturday turns to Sunday.  Sunday turns to Monday.  I kind of forgot about our little AWESOME prank.  Dr. Evil did some errands on Sunday but he took the truck so his car remained motionless and quiet.

Then Monday dawns and Dr. Evil leaves for work.

I sit down to write something witty here and I can’t log in.  He’s updated the Mac and I don’t know what he’s done to my computer and I’m a little frustrated.  I call three times.

No answer.

I text.  Three times.

Nothing.

Then my mind starts up.  I’m a little nuts and very guilty by nature.  I create this scenario in my mind where the furby went off, he got in an accident due to distracted driving, causing a massive pile up on I-94 and it will be all my fault.

I text my friend and tell her my crazy thoughts.  She comforts me and says, “Get a grip.”

Finally he calls me.

“I’m almost to work and I stop and I hear this thing talking.  I look around and think what the hell?” he tells me.

I giggle.

 

And the true win???  He had to drive home with the Evil Furby going off in the back.

I got the following text….

“Furby is going out the window in 5-4-3-2-1.”

 

Maybe now Dr. Evil will quit putting furby places to startle me.   Most likely…he’ll keep doing it and I’ll need to hatch a new plan.  Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated!

EJ out – to brush some tangles out of spawn hair.  God.  Help.  Me.

 

 

 

 

Fartapocalypse

I have a thing.  This thing is important to me.  And apparently, only me.

Do. Not. Fart. Around. Me.

And more importantly…

Do. Not. Fart. At. The. Dinner. Table.

I’d prefer you didn’t belch, burp, toot, or shart there either.  Particularly the last one.

I was raised that farting, well, tooting, is done while you are sitting on the toilet.  Not while walking around.  Not on purpose.  Not in the presence of another person unless you completely can’t help it (and then you move quickly and look disapprovingly towards the person nearest the smell you created).

One does not fart on purpose at the table.  Any table.  One does not fart while sitting on a couch, chair, or in the car.  And if one, say an Evil Joy, has gut issues, you just don’t …. because a fart…could be so much more than just a fart.  So no.  Just no.

After a wonderful day free of farting and full of cooking by Dr. Evil and Eldest Female Spawn we gathered around the dinner table.

Home made pizza and then…the pièce de résistance…..homemade lemon sherbet and lemon blueberry cake with a cream frosting.  (I married smart people…..a man who loves to cook…AND…is good at it.)

Dinner was over and we were sitting around the table.  Finally, an evening at home together.  No one needed to be rushed to a meeting, practice, game, tournament, or lesson.  Just quiet…..and then…..

“BERLT!”  A sound emitted from Eldest’s bum.

I said, “Really???  We almost made it through dinner without anyone farting!  And you?  You never fart at the table.”

Followed by .. “BBEERRRLT!”

“Seriously Dr. Evil….”

and “BerrLT!” from Eldest Female Spawn.

“When you all shite your pants, I’m not washing them!”  Eldest quips in, “I do my own laundry anyways Mom!”

I stood up and said, “I’m done with you people.” And walked away.

And went to bed.

Today I did laundry.  I didn’t look too closely at anything.

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And I have no idea why I decided to represent a fart noise with “Berlt.”  But it worked.  You got the point right?

EJ out – to do yet another load of laundry.

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If You Take Evil Joy To A….

If you take an Evil Joy to a baseball game, she will pack her truck.

While packing her car, Dr. Evil will call, interrupt packing and say, “Hey, pick me up at work, we’ll leave a car here and then we can all go together.”

So Evil Joy gets all the spawn loaded up and hops in the truck and off they go.

While driving to get Dr. Evil, Evil Joy will realize she forgot to eat lunch.

So Evil Joy picks up Dr. Evil and off they drop Eldest for warm-ups.  Then they hit the convenience store.

While in the convenience store, Dr. Evil realizes he’s hungry.  So the Evil Spawnily goes to Wal-Mart where Dr. Evil finds a Subway.

Finally the Evil Spawnily arrives back to the ball field.  Where Dr. Evil eats his Subway in the truck.

So Evil Joy unloads the truck.   And realizes she only packed one chair.  For all six spawnily members.

So they all walk over and sit in the bleachers.

While sitting in the bleachers watching Eldest play, Evil Joy updates her Facebook and Instagram accounts with fabulous pictures of Eldest Spawn playing ball and witty comments from the corners of her brain.

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Instead of watching the game.

And when Evil Joy doesn’t watch the game, she gets a line drive foul ball to the forehead.

And when Evil Joy gets a line drive foul ball to the forehead she gets a trip to the ER and and CT scan.

When Evil Joy goes to the ER, she gets a little scared.  When she gets a little scared, Evil Joy talks the ear off of the wonderful woman who took her.

When Evil Joy talks the ear off of the wonderful woman who took her, Evil Joy makes a new friend.

And when Evil Joy makes a new friend, Evil Joy is happy.

Sooooooo…..Evil Joy goes to baseball and is happy.

 

Therefore baseball equals happiness.

 

End of story.

 

So, yeah….I was at a game last week and got smacked in the noggin.  Thanks for all the texts, emails and comments on Facebook – you guys are the best.  I’m good.  No fracture just a concussion hence Blog Silence for so long.  Dr. Evil did make me feel better by letting me know if I had been watching that particular play I most likely wouldn’t have had time to react and it would have hit my nose….so this one time technology saved my face.

And for the record, I do pay attention to the game.

Most of the time.

Except that one time….

 

Here’s the progression…..bawahahahahah!  Now I really REALLY look EVIL!  #dailymugshot

 

 

EJ out – to take Eldest to the last day of his first high school class.  Summer gym.  So he can take honors history or something like that.

 

You can find all my Evil Schnanagins here :

www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com

Facebook at www.Facebook.com/EvilJoySpeaks

Instagram @eviljoyspeaks

Twitter @eviljoyspeaks

Pinterest @EvilJoy

 

Help out a black and blue Evil Joy and click on the juggling lady there in the upper right corner.  If you’re on a mobile device you have to scroll to the bottom to see her.  One click on this page is all it takes.  You’ll be redirected to the Top Mommy Blogs website.  But you’re all done after that one click on THIS page.  So thanks!!!!!

One Year since EJ was Spawned….Woot Woot!!

Evil Joy here with a post on getting older.  And that being gooder.

Yup.  A year ago today, EJ came to life.  While Evil Joy Speaks isn’t a year old yet, EJ has spread the happiness on Facebook for exactly one year.

Here’s that first post….on Facebook…

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26 Nov 2011

Evil Joy here with a sarcastic update for my followers: As many of you know Brent has a short beard and I strongly dislike it!!!!! Well. Another wonderful person here at the hospital that I know from Hudson mentioned the first thing she does to her ICU men is shave off those beards. I looked at her and smiled a conspiratory grin. And his nurse for the day said he’d try to get to it if he can. If not “She’ll be back tonight!”

Off with the beard I say!
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Happy to say last night I shaved Dr. Evil’s head (at his request) and he’s off and running (literally) this morning already.

Woot Woot! It’s my birthday It’s my birthday!!

Party like it’s my birthday!!!  And to celebrate – I gave up the sweet nectar of life today.  God Help those around me.  Be nice!!  Or I’ll definitely go Evil on Your Arse!

EJ out – to get my second cup of *gulp* coffee.

 

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The Evil is Spreading….

No…not like that – there will never be more human babies begotten of this Evil Joy.

However when Dr. Evil puts the two little female spawn to bed…….

 

the dolls in the window multiply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thhhheeeyyyy’rrrrreeee  watching yyyyoooouuuuuuu.

 

EJ out – to ensure they don’t come to life and actually clean the spawn’s room while I’m away.  Cause if they did that – they could come to life – it’d be okay with me.  Seriously.

Take a minute and share the Evil Joy Love and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon at the upper right.  By doing so you cast a vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs.  I really do appreciate it.  Thanks!

Evil Sweet Morning….

Evil Joy here posting on a morning post fireworks, late nights, many family and friends, and even sleeping in until 6am!

I woke up – before everyone but the two 4 year olds.  Dr. Evil thinks he was up before me to get ready, but I pretended to be asleep to capture more quiet thinking time.

I got up to my Evil Favoritest Thing In the World…….

soda + cooler + all night on ice = perfect temperature

Even better – Mello Yello Zero!  My absolute Evil Favorite Sweet Nectar of Life.

Anyway…another of my morning favorites in summer is sitting on our front steps and enjoying the sounds, smells, and sights.  I love it.  Absolutely love it.  It’s one of my Evil Happy Places.

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This morning I was blessed with so many things.  As I was quietly sitting there watching the bees gather nectar (man…are they missing out on the Mello Yello), the birds calling to each other, and the sun lighting more and more of the earth, I saw my Evil Favoritest Bird In The Whole World.

Humming Bird.

It moved from hosta flower to hosta flower.  I was beyond amazed how close it got to me.  About 3 feet from me…..I shifted my head oh so slightly to see it better and it noticed me and fluttered away.

A.Maz.Ing.

I was planning on cutting off all hosta flowers because I think they’re sort of Evil Ugly but now….I’m thinking I’ll keep them.  Even if just for the possibility of seeing a humming bird on another quiet peaceful morning.

Evil Joy out – to face the day bolstered by the Evil Sweetness of Nature.

And I would be even more bolstered if you’d take two seconds and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the left – maybe a little above where you are now.  Show me the Evil Love!!!  Thanks!

(graphic source : openclipart.org)

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