Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: driving

Randomness….

I’ve had all these random thoughts for blogs posts going through my brain.  Finally I’ve decided to just list them out – in a blog post.

1.  So…Littlest Spawn – she barfed all over the floor of the ski chalet.  And all over herself.  And the wall.  And no one would freaking help me.  I was basically doing the splits to block the area so no one would walk through with their boarding or ski boots and everyone just stared.  Finally a nice woman got us some napkins – Littlest Spawn had puke all over her sweet little face.  And told I yelled at the guy working there who was avoiding my stare to get someone to help me.  What the heck people?!  Finally a nice gentleman went and hurried the young guy avoiding my stare and yells to get moving.  They brought out a mop and wet floor sign and then asked if we were okay.  Five full minutes later.  Standing over a puddle of puke with a sick child for five full minutes.  I would like to use a word other than full in that previous sentence…but…I won’t.  I was so angry.  But Littlest Spawn is the best sick kid around.  She didn’t even cry.  Not even when I threw away her favorite shirt.  And made her wear just her coat with snow pants home.  Poor baby.  She’s lucky I didn’t throw up on her – during the FIVE FULL MINUTES I was standing there.  I have the world’s weakest stomach.

IMG_4169

2.  Eldest Spawn is earning money today from Dr. Evil.  For not playing XBox for 24 hours.  I would not pay for this.  I would take the XBox and put it in the car and drive to work.  But he’s paying …. so I’m along for the ride.

3.  I drove to clean for a friend.  They have a really steep driveway.  I have a truck stuck in 4-wheel drive.  (The part is on order.)  I couldn’t get up their icy driveway…it took me four tries – and several times laughing….I almost cried I was laughing so hard….I was envisioning myself falling up and then down the driveway if I couldn’t get the truck up there….and then freezing to the driveway – waiting to be rescued by the jaws of life cutting away the driveway.

4.  Later that same day – now…night.  Going to Awesome Amy’s house to feed her frog since they’re off on spring break.  Remember the snow storms that hit the midwest?  We got around 10 inches.  Her driveway hadn’t been plowed.  It’s flat.  It’s curvy.  I have a truck stuck in 4-wheel drive.  It’s the first winter I’ve had a truck.  Used to my mini-van – in which I would have NEVER attempted to get up her driveway.  But …. I HAVE A TRUCK … I’ll go up the driveway.  And get hopelessly stuck.  For a full five minutes.  Again laughter is filling the car.  Finally get up there.  Feed the frog.  With Peter Gabriel’s “Kiss That Frog” song stuck in my head.  And then….it’s time to back out of said long curvy flat driveway.  And get so hopelessly stuck again that I nearly pee my pants laughing!  7 minutes later – I think I left a skid mark or two on her driveway (I’ll be over there with a scrub brush in the spring) – I finally made it out.  Dr. Evil kept texting me to see where I was and then he told me….

5.  We were watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the spawn.  Another rite of passage for our spawn.  They are begotten of us geeks.  We have the movie down so well we know where to yell loud gibberish if there is swearing and where to send the spawn off to get blankets, take a bathroom break, or get a snack if there’s inappropriate scenes…only one or two.. mostly drawn…..  They laughed so hard.  “They call me….Tim.”

Tim-monty-python-and-the-holy-grail-591629_800_441

I’m sure one or more of these may turn into a full blog post at some point in time….but I sort of like the randomness of this.  So….here ya go.

 

EJ out – to clean some more.  And do the laundry that goes along with puking spawn.  Two of them.

Click on the flashy banner there on the bottom to cast me a vote a The Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!!!!!

 

tmb-468x60-fast

Spawn Inductions….

Years ago, before Evil Joy and Dr. Evil earned their titles, Brent and Joy dated.  Brent was co-oping for a company in California and Joy flew out to drive home to Iowa with him.  (And everyone thought we were going to elope on the way home…but no….we didn’t.)

Several hours were spent in a little red Chevy with no air-conditioning driving across the salt flats, mountains and plains.  So many hours in fact Brent and Joy started to have fun with the various songs on the radio.  No MP3 players or iPods to get us home – back in the ‘good ‘ol days.’

Brent had these little stuffed Burt and Ernie dolls.  (They’re hidden away now so the dogs can’t eat them….)  Joy was punchy from the heat and started making Burt dance to Chumbawamba.  He “fell down…” and got back up again.  On the dash-board.  Several times.  And he was one hell of a dancer.

Given the fact Brent and Joy were driving in summer with no A.C. and a packed car…so full Joy’s seat was shoved so far forward even her short legs were smashed….

This was the funniest thing EVER.  Ever.  I mean, seriously, the funniest thing ever.

Imagine –  if you will – a 6 inch tall Burt doll falling down and getting back up again and playing the trumpet.  And drinking.  In time.  With the music.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc]

 

Fast forward almost 20 years.

 

Using Spotify and listening to the 90’s station.  And Chumbawamba comes on. Evil Joy sees Beaker.  Miniature Beaker.  And Big Beaker.

Miniature Beaker has moves.  Serious moves.

So serious Big Beaker became enraged.  And ate Miniature Beaker.

IMG_4136 IMG_4135

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miniature Beaker “fell down”…. never to get up again.

 

EJ out.  SkyZone and Snowboarding await…..

 

Take a minute and click the flashing banner – I’ve really really fallen off in the standings at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’d appreciate one click of your time.  Thank you!

tmb-468x60-fast

 

Evil Yummy Margaritas….

Evil Joy here typing a post while consuming Evil Yummy Margaritas!!

See, Evil Co-Hort From Iowa Amy is here with her spawn M and B.  She brought the most yummy margarita ingredients ever.  I’m in Evil Margarita Heaven…..seriously awesome.

And besides bringing the Evil Yummy Margaritas, she brought her Evil Cool Self.  All the way from Iowa.  With twin 4 year olds.  In the car.  For several hours.  Along the same route I just drove on Thursday.  I think you now understand the need for both us of to consume Evil Yummy Margaritas…even tastier out of Smurf glasses from the 1980s….

Image

Yummmmmm……

We’ve been swimming, playing ball in the yard, digging and making mud pies in the sandbox, dancing like the crazies we are…and therefore our spawn are…..and just having a blast.  So thankful to have friends like her.  

I’m so thankful for all the friends – wow – we are so lucky and blessed.  Everyone really rallied around when Dr. Evil was earning his PhD.  The cool thing is…they’ve stuck around.  And they were there before, just didn’t realize how many people we are blessed to know.

Anyway….

EJ out – to continue to enjoy More Evil Yummy Margaritas. 

Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon located on the right.  It casts a vote for me….I’ve made the top 10 Humor blogs and would love love love to stay there!  Thanks!  You can vote once a day from every device you own!  Get on it!  Thanks!

Evil Chair…Yeah…it’s the Chair…..

Evil Joy here with a post on chairs, feet, stuck feet, and painful release of said stuck foot.

Image
 
Need I say more?  
 
 
Well of course I need say more – it’s meeee!
 
As if driving to Iowa with Eldest Female Spawn for a weekend of fun taking a turn for not fun wasn’t enough…..Mom of Evil Joy ended up in the hospital with a sore neck.  And no, it’s not because I’m a pain in the neck.  Bite me.
 
See, I’m going to be a Great Aunt.  Not just a Great Aunt – I’m already that…just ask me…I’ll tell ya!  My Eldest Nephew and his wife are having a baby!!!!!  So I’m going to be a Awesome Great Aunt.  (didn’t want to confuse any of you with saying I’ll be a great Great Aunt….)
 
And due to becoming said Awesome Great Aunt, attending a baby shower in Iowa is Awesome Evil Fun!  (Shopping for said baby shower even more Awesome Evil Fun!!!!!!)
 
Evil Silliness led to me running a 5K, attending baseball tournament for Eldest Spawn in our hometown, and then driving 5 hours to Iowa with Eldest Female Spawn.  All in 12 hours.  Tired Evil Joy resulted.  
 
Then the Evil Sore Neck for Evil Joy’s Mom.  Resulting in Evil Hospital Stay.  Resulting in Evil Joy sitting in my usual not normal fashion – criss cross applesauce, one leg crossed….any which way but the normal way is how I roll.  Resulting in…….
 
Image
 
After I was able to have a minute or two with no one in the room but Sleeping Mom of Evil Joy and Evil Joy, I was able to free my Evil Stuck Foot from the Evil Chair Claiming My Foot.  I had to wait until it was just the two of us as Evil Words were bound to escape my mouth as my foot escaped said Evil Chair.
 
So….Evil Chair.  Bite me.  Wait – you sort of already did that…don’t bite me.  Or anyone else.
 
Evil Joy – stop getting limbs stuck in places they don’t belong.
 
Mom of Evil Joy – Get out of the hospital.  Come hang out with Evil Joy.
 
EJ out – to begin a day of Scattering Joy to those fortunate enough to know me.  Bawhahahahahaha!

Brain Dead Evil Driving…

Evil Joy here with a post about driving while tired, with fighting spawn in compact car, while Evil Hubby is away on travel, and …. police.

So.  Monday.  Monday was the normal Monday.  I am odd in the fact I don’t find Monday’s to be Evil in the slightest.  I like them.  Start of a new week, waiting to see what Evil exploits will unfold.

Got through Monday.  Remained un-Evil.

Time for softball for Eldest Female Spawn.  I talked Littlest Spawn (#4) in to staying with Eldest Spawn meaning I only had to take two Spawn to ball.  Then Spawn #4 found out practice was at a school with a playground.  So…off go the 4 of us – Evil Joy and all her Evil Female Spawn – Bawahahahahaha!

Driving.  Driving.  Driving.  Singing really loud with the radio – we make quite the Evil Quartet!

Then the Evil Arguing ensued.  Eldest Female Spawn touched Spawn #3 and then Spawn #4.  Did I mention they are shoved in the back of Evil Hubby’s compact car?  Shoulder to car seated Shoulder?  Two backed boosters and one unbacked booster (my spawn are short and will most likely be in boosters for their natural lives!)

Missed the turn to N.Hudson Elementary.  Opps.  Went down another street that runs perpendicular to the ball fields.

(Mind you – I’ve driven this so many Evil-Freaking-Times I normally make it there in my sleep.)

So I hang a right, pull into the parking lot adjacent to the fields.  I noticed a police officer sitting there when I parked.  Then he pulled in behind me.

Evil Words thought very loudly in my head.  Evil Heart Rate increase.  WTHeck!?!?  I had absolutely no idea why he was getting out to talk to me.  The Spawn of Evil Joy were concerned Evil Joy was headed to jail.

“Why did you go the wrong way down a one-way street?”

WHAT?@!?!  OMWord!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID THAT?!?!?!

                                      

I didn’t have a good answer other than I completely unaware of the 4 – yes – 4 signs telling you not to go that direction on that street.

Thank God for a clean driving record.  I got off with a “Don’t do that again, okay!?”  (I even told him – in my panic – I’m the world’s biggest Evil Rule Follower – to a fault normally!)

So…One Way signs – please jump up and down at me if I try to drive the wrong way.  Wrong Way signs – wave your arms or something.  I can’t get pulled over again – my Evil Heart can’t take the poundings induced by activities other than running!

Evil Joy out – to plan a new route not involving said One Way streets.

(sign images from – trafficsign.us, shutterstock.com)

© 2019 Evil Joy Speaks

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑