Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: evil streak (page 1 of 9)

Advice…from a new mom

So I’m linking up at Theme Thursday.  I seem to mess this up every time I do this and forget to do what I’m suppose to.  (I’m sorry!!!)  Here’s the link to Theme Thursday.  Go check out what others are saying about this week’s theme : Advice  Thanks to Something Clever 2.0 for doing this!!!

I love when I go out with my Littlest Spawn.  She’s a doll face .. except when she’s not. Then she’s the devil incarnate.  She can scream and carry on with the best of them.  In the last year, this has subsided considerably but on occasion it still happens.

My favorite situation is when she is having a hard time with a new environment and I’m past dealing with it.  I’m more of the tough love kinda mama – not the cuddling type.  At all.  Ever.  (Sorry Spawn – suck it up – that’s the way it goes – not everyone wins – you’re fine – get over it)

In walks chic mom in her heels, skinny jeans, with her six month old baby dressed in the latest Gap line head to toe.  Who proceeds to give me advice.  For a child who is 4.5 years older than her first baby.  Advice she read in a book.  And her friend told her about.  And she saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

Yeah.  Bite me.

Depending on my mood, one of three things happens:

Mood 1 : Happy and Well Rested

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Thanks.  I’m sure it’ll get better.  Have a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 2 : Normal Evil Joy – Tired, Slightly Frazzled, Running 17 Different Directions

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Yeah, I know…my older THREE went through this stage too.  Later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 3 : Exhausted, Dr. Evil on Travel, Other Spawn Acting Up at Home, Last Thin Thread of Sanity Broken by This Woman

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Look.  I appreciate you trying to give advice for a child you have no idea about.  Obviously the books you’ve read have made you think you’re prepared.  You’re not.  Just wait.  Wait until she can talk and walk and run away from you and pull over a display in the store.  Wait until she doesn’t like you.  I have THREE OLDER CHILDREN.  I’ve done this shit before.  Yeah – I swore – your baby can’t talk yet and I could say shit over and over again and it will not affect her because she’ll never ever see me again.  And yes, close your open jaw, I swore in front of my five-year old who knows better than to repeat it at all.  I was just like you lady – thought I had it all in the bag.  I don’t.  At least I’m smart and experienced enough to KNOW I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.  Good Day.

Yeah – Mood 3 – not one of my finer moments.  Thankfully I was in a different town and will most likely never see this woman again.  God, I hope not.

So I try hard to not give advice unless asked.  Even then I tread cautiously.  Are they really asking for advice or do they want reassurance everyone is as confused and clueless as the next parent.  None of our spawn came with manuals.  None of our spawn are alike.  Some advice is great …. but sometimes …. for the love of Pete …. bite your tongue.

Except – okay – the one and only time I don’t hold back is if I notice your spawn’s eyes aren’t properly aligned.  Eldest Spawn has strabismus and amblyopia caught at age 2.  He’s been patched, had and still has bifocals, and wears glasses to correct his alignment and vision.  If not caught early enough the damage caused can be more severe.  So…that’s the one time I know I’ve crossed the line….but if it helps just one kid……

EJ out – to drive in the Mother Loving Snow to see a visiting friend!!!!!

Take a minute and help a Mama out – click on the juggling lady located on the upper right.  Doing so casts a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!!!

(graphic sources : pinterest.com, casaazuldelaribera.es)

Mind Reading….Jedi Evil Joy Style

Mind reading.  It’s a skill as a mom you master.  It’s the Jedi force that enters your body as the baby leaves.

You know when your spawn is going to puke.  You know you’re going to have to stop at the bathroom 712 times on a trip that should only be 4 hours long … now 5.5 hours into and still not there.  You know tomorrow is going to be a long day because you let your spawn stay up to cuddle with them.  You know when your spawn is lying.

Then there is the husband to consider.  I do wish Dr. Evil could read my mind.  Wellllll…not all the time…just sometimes.

I would be able to use my Jedi Mind Forces to send to him what I’m thinking.

Situation #1

Jedi Evil Joy : Thought : “I really want to watch ‘Skyfall’ tonight.”

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Dr. Evil  : Let’s watch “The Walking Dead.”

 

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Result : Fail.  Jedi Mind Powers were not strong enough.

In this instance I used the force known as my Evil Mouth and Voice instead of my Jedi Mind Force because I can’t watch that stuff before bed and hope to sleep.  And I mean come on – Daniel Craig – yummy – vs Freaky Dead Walking Things?  Need I say more?

Situation #2

Jedi Evil Joy : Thought : “Bring me flowers.  I clean the house because it’s important to you.  Flowers are important to me.  Brrrriiinnngggg me ffloooweers.”

Dr. Evil : “Hi.”

In this instance I used the Texting Power of the iPhone and Eldest Spawn to tell him I wanted flowers.

He sent me a graphic on text of flowers.  I replied, “real ones.”

He sent me a picture of live flowers.

Damn engineers – they are so literally.

Situation #3

Jedi Evil Joy : Thought : “Clean up the kitchen – you’re trashing it making us an awesome dinner.”

Dr. Evil : “I know I’m making a mess, I’ll clean it up!”

Holy Cow!?!?!  It worked?!?!?!

It had nothing to do with the Evil Stink Eye I was sporting when I walked into the mess.

 

Dr. Evil is going to be traveling a lot for work in the upcoming weeks and possibly months.  He used to travel all the time – for weeks at a time.   (Thanks for the frequent flyer miles!!  Only way this family of six is going anywhere on an airplane!)  In the last several years it has only been a week here or there or a few days a week once a month or so.

Well…he’s going to attempt to average out all that travel-less time in the next month.

I’m cool with it.  I’m just thankful he has a job.

And … he’s working on trying to get me out there with him for a weekend.  There being San Diego, CA.

Typically he doesn’t get to go to cool places like San Diego.  So when he suggested we use a few frequent flyer miles to get away together…..holy cow….I jumped!

Now for the Evil Joy Jedi Mind Powers to work on the frequent flyer mileage required to go to San Diego.  And on someone to watch the spawn.  And on someone to watch our four-legged spawn.

 

EJ out – to eat lunch.

 

Take a second and vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Just click on that juggling lady up there on the right. [Jedi Mind Powers Activated!]  Gooooo vote.  You know you want to.

 

graphic source : ceasefiremagazine.co.ukstarcasm.net

 

Top 10…..

Thursday rolls around every week and I think, “How the hell did that happen?”

Friday is coming.  I should be excited and happy.  However…trying to think of things to do with the kids when the weather is mucky and yucky…..I can think of lots of things.  None of them will be met with the happy sounds of “Yipppeee!  Great idea Mama!”

Cleaning the garage.  Picking up doggy doo-doo from the last few months.  Taking down all the Christmas lights.  Clearing out the dead leaves on the plants that will be growing again.

And on Saturday (I hope)….12 miles.  12 miles of running.

I’ve run this far before…more than once.  More than twice.  But I’m nervous – last weekend’s run sucked.  I literally bawled about the hills.  Which is stupid.  But it didn’t matter at mile 4 with so many more miles to go and soooo many hills left yet to run UP!  The down part of the hill isn’t even happy when you see the next hill heading straight up at the bottom of the current one.

I’m hoping for Saturday instead of Sunday.  I just like getting it out of the way before Sunday.  No real reason…just like having one more day to recover and like getting it out of the way.

And since running is taking over my brain – here’s my top 10 suggestions for running in WI in the spring.

TOP 10 SUGGESTIONS for running in Wisconsin in Spring

1.  Wear leggings.  Except don’t.  Okay – do, but wear shorts underneath so you can strip if the weather changes 15 degrees in the 20 minutes since you started.

2.  Run in loops.  Lots of small loops.  Because if the weather went up 15 degrees in 20 minutes  – it will surely drop 25 degrees in the next 10 minutes.  You’ll need to put those leggings back on.  Until you need to take them off again.

3.  Plug your nose.  Cow poop stinks.  It smells.  Bad.  Really really bad.

4.  Plan on getting the splashed look.  It’s in.  It’s impossible to escape when you run along a highway in the spring in WI.  My favorite splashes are from cars who won’t give you an inch when there’s NO oncoming traffic and they’re shaking their fist or giving you the finger as they drive past.

5.  Dogs.  Lots of dogs.  Most have invisible fence.  Except Millie.  She’s the farm dog.  Who will herd you the entire way on a 6 mile run.  And an 8 mile run.  And a 10 mile run.  Good thing we start and stop at home and she lives across the street/highway.

6.  Keep one headphone in and one out.  This is to hear the watch beep of the 5-1 I run (run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute – the whole way).  This is also so you can yell at Dr. Evil for making you run hills.  And so he’ll notice if you drop dead at the top of the 245th hill we just ran up.

7. Be prepared for dead things on the shoulder of the road.  As the snow melts, the horror is revealed.  It’s like the Walking Dead of animals…except they’re really dead, not walking, and really freaking gross.

8.  Watch out for tractors.  Yes.  Really.  Especially the ones with tillers attached.  You may think you’re running fast.  Until a tiller catches up.  Then you run faster.  Until you get tilled.

9.  Sand.  Sand is wonderful on the beach.  Sand is wonderful in a sand box.  Sand on a road is slippery.  Yes.  Slippery.  Carry band aids.

And finally

10. Smile.  Dr. Evil will take random pictures.  And after last year, hopefully he learned he should take pictures of my front…not this……

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Here’s some random running pictures from the last year….just ’cause.

EJ out – to chase the kids to the bus stop.

Thanks for helping me make the Top 25 Humor Blogs at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’m shooting for the top 10!  Click on the flashing juggling lady up there on the left (on mobile – click view full site and she’s at the bottom).  That’s it.  You’ll be redirected to Top Mommy Blogs.  You can close that window and every other window.  You’re done!  I excuse you from the day!

Have a great one!

A Bunny Murder…..

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In Breaking Evil Joy news……bbeeep.beep…beepp.beeeep

A dastardly murder occurred on this most Holy of day.  After celebrating Easter Sunday with family, the Evil Joy Spawnily reported finding their lovely, beautiful Easter Cake Bunny murdered.  Awesome Amy, Easter Cake Bunny creator and maker has been notified and consoled.

The following image may be disturbing to some readers.  Consider yourself warned.

 

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It appears Easter Cake Bunny’s ears, nose, and mouth were removed (and enjoyed – no traces of marshmallow fondant were found among spawnily members.  Much hand washing was obvious so no trace evidence could be recovered).

Then in ‘Walking Dead’ style, Easter Cake Bunny was murdered.

 

Services will be held for the remaining parts of Easter Cake Bunny at 5:30 at the Evil Joy Dinner Table.  The funeral will follow dinner.

 

EJ out – to clean up some more dishes!!

 

Help an Evil Girl out – click on the flashing lady up there on the right.  One click is all it takes – you will be taken to The Top Mommy Blogs site.  Then you’re done.  Nothing else is required of you.  Just the one click to get you there casts a vote for me.  Help me work my way back up into the Top 10!  I’m back into the top 25 thanks you all!!!  Let’s keep moving on up!

It’s Been A Year…

Since I graced you all with my presence!

And how thankful are you – I have no idea.  But I am so very thankful.

It’s pretty cool to think I could write something to make someone else smile.  I have a definite Evil Streak in Me, but I use it for the forces of GOOD!

I’m on a journey (aren’t we all).  I’m learning more about myself everyday and what is important to me.  This past year and a half has taught me the importance of family more so than ever before.  You family by birth, marriage, and friendship.  Family is defined so many ways – and I’m so glad to have people in each of the before mentioned categories.

A year ago, I posted my first blog post.  It was more of a hint for Dr. Evil to read all of the Facebook stuff that happened while he was sick.  I wanted to him to understand what it was like from the other side, but more importantly, just how many people where pulling for him.  Supporting our family, keeping us afloat, and me mostly sane.

Since then, this has evolved into…I don’t know what.  I write about what I want to each time.  I tried following ‘my’ formula for a while…now…just write whatever is in my head or heart that day.  Some funny – like this one.  Other more serious – like this one.  And others yet – just what I wanted to write about that day.

And the amazing blogs I’ve found along the way – so many I can’t even begin to list them here.  But Snarkfest has become a friend.  And I get to meet her in May in REAL LIFE!

Anyway – since it seems so self-serving to wish myself Happy Blog-O-Birthday, I thought I should do a giveaway.  You have until midnight on 29 March, 2013 to enter.  Click the link below to take you to my Facebook Page where you may enter!

Click HERE!

The winner chosen at random using Rafflecopter gets their choice of one of the beautiful things in the picture below.  Provided by SUNDAR IMPORTS!  Check them out – they are amazing and their Pop-Up Boutique is coming in April!!!

Provided by SUNDAR IMPORTSWinner drawn at random will choose ONE of these three fabulous fair trade items from Sunday Imports.

Provided by SUNDAR IMPORTS
Winner drawn at random will choose ONE of these three fabulous fair trade items from Sunday Imports.

 

Thanks for sticking around, coming back, and sending new people (hint, hint!) my way.

EJ out – to get a quick run in before tomorrow’s 10 miles!

Don’t Mess with Mama Monday

Can you feel the steam exploding from my ears?  If not, trust me, global warming has taken a hit in the last 12 hours.

Photo on 3-25-13 at 5.07 PM #2

Eldest Spawn.  You are in a world of trouble.  I’ve been more angry in the past, but wow.  You took it to a new level today – a new deception attempt level.  Note the attempt.  Remember – it was attempted and squashed.  Let this be a lesson.

You blew it.  Big time.  By playing on my biggest fear and consideration for my spawn.

Puke.

Telling me you threw up so you wouldn’t have to go to school.  And then putting shredded wheat on the toilet and telling me there was some “splash back” from when you threw up.  And spilling your cereal on the floor.

You should know my Mom Spidey Sense was atinglin’ – I can smell a lie like a fart in an elevator.  (I think that’s a movie quote….).  I sat there, on the couch adjacent to you, talking to you, listening to the answers, the Mom Spidey Sense tingle getting stronger and stronger.

Then I flat out said, “I don’t believe you.”

You threw yourself dramatically on the couch.  Then about 20 seconds later, fessed up.  You weren’t sick.  You were worried about a test you forgot about.

Oh wow.  Seriously.

Then you had the EVIL AUDACITY to attempt to put it back on me.  “You expect perfection.”

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!  

In no uncertain terms I simply said, “I expect your best effort.”

 

Followed by, “Get your butt on the bus.  You can study during lunch, on the bus, or in-between classes.”

…..

Then I sent him out the door with the knowledge punishment would be coming, hard, swift, and….

creatively.

So far he has lost XBox, iPod, iPad, and Beats privileges for one week.  Oh and computer access other than for school work.  (we’re not spoiled at all….) And next he has to write out 5 punishments and I get to choose 1-3 of them depending on what he comes up with.  And call Dr. Evil (on travel this week) and tell him what he did.  And … he specifically tried to throw out the “Don’t blog about this.”  So….of course I am!

He has just read this.  Tried unsuccessfully to edit or delete parts.  I felt the need to sit on him and show him who is boss.

As you see, this Evil Mama reigns supreme.

 

I am seriously angry.  This is not something acceptable in my lair.  In a while, we’ll laugh about it.  Right now…he’s doing chores and will be doing more chores in the upcoming days.  And will think twice about ever telling me he’s sick again because unless I see puke leaving his body or he has a raging temperature – he’s going to school.  Every freaking day.

Schmuck.

 

EJ out – to get that list and have fun picking out punishments.

Take a minute and give this Evil Mama some support.  Click on the juggling lady to cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!

 

And go visit Snarkfest and buy “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

It’s cold…and some other stuff…

So today we went out for a run.  Last Sunday we did 6 miles in the wind and it was freaking cold.  And I thought hilly.  Well – it was hilly.  Hard to not be hilly where we live.  It was about 35 degrees and sunny – but the wind had a BITE.

Today…time to make the donuts – I mean run again.  8 miles on the plate.  Sounds good.  We started out going downhill with the wind at our backs rather than running back home UP highway N with church traffic.  Down highway N – to Gilbert Road.  I love the names of the roads around here….Wilcoxson, Kinney, Gilbert, Tower (because there’s a ginormous tower on Tower Road)….  Actually felt really great.  I was pleasantly surprised how good I felt.  And after snowboarding yesterday and cleaning someone’s home for 4 hours!!

Then the dreaded TOWER Road Hill.  The never-ending-continuous – you think you’re up the hill and then your round a corner and – BAM – more freaking hill.  I HATE that part of Tower Road.

We made it up the most EVIL part of Tower Road.  And BAM – wind!

Wow – it got cold fast.  I usually sweat constantly.  Even when I’m cold.  So … running and getting warm for about 6 miles and then hitting wind like that – holy crap – FROZEN arm pits.  And other pits….we’ll leave it at that.  My water even froze!!!!

I needed to drink this.....brrrrr and grrrrrr...

I needed to drink this…..brrrrr and grrrrrr…

I had to get over my Evil Self Defeating Talk coming up the Evil Freaking Hill From Hell.  I got over it.  The hill and the talk.  And get my arse moving faster again because it was so freaking windy.  We made it home.

Where I took a super long, super hot, super steamy shower.  I’ve got on 4 layers on top and I’m still shivering!  Maybe time to drink some hot water.  (And yes, I know that’s weird, but it works and I like it!)

But you know the coolest (haha) think about this run….

  •  The gorgeous trees.
  • The quiet parts of the old county highways where little traffic comes.
  • The opportunities to notice hills and homes you normally fly past at 60 mph.
  • The interesting cracks in the road and the way the frost covers the black top.
  • The way the water freezes in patterns and how the sand on the road affects the patterns.

It. Was. Breathtaking.

And even more…I got thinking about how things will change between now and the end of June when Dr. Evil and I run Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth.  The trees, flowers, and birds (there are several eagle nests around here) and the differences that will be apparent.

Last week on our run I took a picture.  I know at some point again we’ll be in this same spot.  I hope to capture the changing seasons.

March 17th, 2013

March 17th, 2013

 

Here’s to a wonderful week.  I’m going to keep busy.  Dr. Evil is traveling.  I still get very nervous when he travels…but the spawn, their activities, and our life in general will keep me busy.  Especially since Dr. Evil was fixing the noise the dryer made and broke it for several days.  Now…laundry threatens to bury us.  Send me clean and bubbly thoughts!

EJ out – to drink some unfrozen, hot water.

SO….help me get back in the Top 25 at Top Mommy Blogs.  Click on the juggling lady.  Please.  Once a day.  Every day.  You can do it!

 

Also – buy this book!  I Just Want to Pee Alone.  You can get it on Snarkfest’s page (and others too…)

 

 

Happy Easter?

I’ve always been one to decorate my house for holidays.  I have 20 gallon totes labeled for most holidays.  Some holidays only rate one tote – Thanksgiving.  Others three – Halloween (but then some of the Halloween double for Thanksgiving).  Christmas of course – at least 12 totes.

Well, lately I’ve not been so big on decorating.  Clutter, mess, and I don’t know….just don’t want to.

Then yesterday.  Littlest Spawn and I were wandering around a store when we saw…these.

Quick warning – these may incite nightmares in some…well…everyone.

Take a carrot My Pretty!

Take a carrot My Pretty!

 

It can't be morning yet!  I still need to sleep off my hangover.

It can’t be morning yet! I still need to sleep off my hangover.

 

And what the heck?  Ancient Tinker Bell who went on a few too many benders?

And what the heck? Ancient Tinker Bell who went on a few too many benders?

So…when decorating for the holidays- whatever holidays you celebrate or observe …

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T BUY THESE THINGS unless you’re out to scare the bejeezus out of your spawn.  Then…buy more than one of each and set up a scene for them to wake up to and scare the living snot out of them…..hmmmm….I think I need to go shopping.

EJ out – to get ready to face below zero wind chill on the first day of Spring!

Click on that flashing, juggling lady there on the upper right.  Doing so casts a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Help me get back up in the standings….please!!!!

Also, check out my facebook page – Evil Joy Speaks exciting news about upcoming happenings.

Evil Toys are Taking Control….

A while back I wrote about our doll houses inspired by a  post from The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.  (And she’s a part of that new book all the cool kids are getting “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”)

Here’s a small recap of that…..through pictures….

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Y’all remember Evil Scary Baby Girl/Boy right?  She gave several of you nightmares…..

Well…they’re BAAACCCCKKKKKKKK!

And now…the Evil Spawn of the Doll House are ruling the world….Muwahahahahah!

Breaking New in the Lair of Evil Joy….beep beep beep …. you know…the sound of breaking news…….

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As you can see the spawn have gathered.  With their nanny.  And with the newly brain washed toys joining their Evil Little Posse.  I believe Evil Scary American Girl Doll is in charge.  I’m sure as hell not about to question her authority.

The Fairy God Mothers are currently trapped on a partition of the roof.  Their magic powers are inactive from this part of the roof.  They are helpless to stop what is happening in the main house.

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All animals have been banished to the actual roof.  Although they’d support the Evil Spawn I’m sure.  Probably just making sure they don’t go all zombie and eat the … wait…..you’ll have to read about that….  I’m certain the Evil Spawn will offer them food and water later.  The Evil Spawn don’t seem the type to let them bake to death in the sun.  Hello Kitty and the Easter Bunny seem pretty agile so if they do get trapped, I’m sure all will be rescued.  Plus, Littlest Spawn is an animal lover.

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The following pictures may be disturbing to some of my readers.  Parental guidance is required.

The carnage may only be properly described with pictures….Daddy #1 fought the hardest….he was the first to go over….

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After Daddy #1 was out of the way, all of the parental figures were ‘dealt with’ in a similar manner…..

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Take note of Pinkilicious cheering – she’s an Evil Little Bag.  And the toddlers are full of happy “I tossed my parents over the railing” smiles.  I’m fairly certain Evil American Girl Doll’s hair grows more poofy with each kill.

So watch out parental figure dolls.  You’ve seen what can happen with the spawn rule the doll house.

Just in case you’re wondering…Littlest Spawn and I had a belly busting laughing time tossing those parents over the edge.  Then the Little People ambulance came to rescue them…and bury them in the doll box.  Never to be heard from again.  Until she wants to play with them.

EJ out – to borrow Eldest Spawn’s snowboard without his permission.  We have fresh powder….can’t miss this opportunity!  My board is unavailable at this time so…..lucky for me he’s about the same height as me!!!!  His stance is wider, but I’ll live…and have fun!  Bawahahaha!

Take a minute and help me out!  Evil Joy has slipped to #34 in the Humor Blogs category – #34!!?!?!?!?!?  I was in the top 10 for a long time.  I need to get back there.  I want to get back…Please help me get back there!!!  Click on the flashing banner below.  I’m going to put the juggling lady back because it seems more IN YOUR FACE PLEASE VOTE FOR ME than the flashing banner.  Look for her return.  But in the mean time, click THE BANNER!  PLEASE!!!

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Come Again?

Eldest Spawn is trying to flex his pre-teen muscles.

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I say something like, “The dog needs to go for a walk.” Implying directly he should take the dog for a walk.

He replies, “Sounds like fun.” And walks over to the XBox.

Come again?! Ummm. No. That did not just happen.

Oh yes it did.

And oh yes, I addressed it.

They are returning from the walk shortly. Both dogs and Eldest Spawn.

Moral of the story? Don’t mess with Evil Joy. But really…don’t mess with Mom. Ever. Got it?

Good.

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