Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

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Advice…from a new mom

So I’m linking up at Theme Thursday.  I seem to mess this up every time I do this and forget to do what I’m suppose to.  (I’m sorry!!!)  Here’s the link to Theme Thursday.  Go check out what others are saying about this week’s theme : Advice  Thanks to Something Clever 2.0 for doing this!!!

I love when I go out with my Littlest Spawn.  She’s a doll face .. except when she’s not. Then she’s the devil incarnate.  She can scream and carry on with the best of them.  In the last year, this has subsided considerably but on occasion it still happens.

My favorite situation is when she is having a hard time with a new environment and I’m past dealing with it.  I’m more of the tough love kinda mama – not the cuddling type.  At all.  Ever.  (Sorry Spawn – suck it up – that’s the way it goes – not everyone wins – you’re fine – get over it)

In walks chic mom in her heels, skinny jeans, with her six month old baby dressed in the latest Gap line head to toe.  Who proceeds to give me advice.  For a child who is 4.5 years older than her first baby.  Advice she read in a book.  And her friend told her about.  And she saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

Yeah.  Bite me.

Depending on my mood, one of three things happens:

Mood 1 : Happy and Well Rested

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Thanks.  I’m sure it’ll get better.  Have a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 2 : Normal Evil Joy – Tired, Slightly Frazzled, Running 17 Different Directions

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Yeah, I know…my older THREE went through this stage too.  Later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 3 : Exhausted, Dr. Evil on Travel, Other Spawn Acting Up at Home, Last Thin Thread of Sanity Broken by This Woman

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Look.  I appreciate you trying to give advice for a child you have no idea about.  Obviously the books you’ve read have made you think you’re prepared.  You’re not.  Just wait.  Wait until she can talk and walk and run away from you and pull over a display in the store.  Wait until she doesn’t like you.  I have THREE OLDER CHILDREN.  I’ve done this shit before.  Yeah – I swore – your baby can’t talk yet and I could say shit over and over again and it will not affect her because she’ll never ever see me again.  And yes, close your open jaw, I swore in front of my five-year old who knows better than to repeat it at all.  I was just like you lady – thought I had it all in the bag.  I don’t.  At least I’m smart and experienced enough to KNOW I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.  Good Day.

Yeah – Mood 3 – not one of my finer moments.  Thankfully I was in a different town and will most likely never see this woman again.  God, I hope not.

So I try hard to not give advice unless asked.  Even then I tread cautiously.  Are they really asking for advice or do they want reassurance everyone is as confused and clueless as the next parent.  None of our spawn came with manuals.  None of our spawn are alike.  Some advice is great …. but sometimes …. for the love of Pete …. bite your tongue.

Except – okay – the one and only time I don’t hold back is if I notice your spawn’s eyes aren’t properly aligned.  Eldest Spawn has strabismus and amblyopia caught at age 2.  He’s been patched, had and still has bifocals, and wears glasses to correct his alignment and vision.  If not caught early enough the damage caused can be more severe.  So…that’s the one time I know I’ve crossed the line….but if it helps just one kid……

EJ out – to drive in the Mother Loving Snow to see a visiting friend!!!!!

Take a minute and help a Mama out – click on the juggling lady located on the upper right.  Doing so casts a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!!!

(graphic sources : pinterest.com, casaazuldelaribera.es)

Evil Something or Other…

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Burton Puppy had a little incident.  Actually…we don’t know what the heck happened.

Thursday he came in from outside because Shadow Dog can open the deck door by herself.  He jumped up on the couch next to Eldest Female Spawn doing her Girl Scout homework.  I was on my computer when she let out this horrid, blood-curdling scream.

Now…she’s known to have a bit of drama queen in her so I wasn’t the kindest.

Me...looking not so nice.

Me…looking not so nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What in the world is wrong?  Why are you screaming like that?”

Then Littlest Spawn starts screaming and sobbing all at once.

I jumped up because two out of four crying like that means something may possibly…maybe….probably not…could be…up.

Holy Shit.  I don’t swear a lot (on here) but…wow.

There was a gaping hole in his side.  The fur was hanging next to flesh under this what looked like 4 inch wide tear/bite.  Honestly thought maybe something got ahold of him.

I yelled at Eldest Spawn : Catch Burton.  Hold him still.  Be careful.

Grabbed a beach towel and carefully threw it around him to hold him together.

Me to Eldest Spawn : Get in the truck.  Now.  Move it.

Me to Eldest Female Spawn who was sitting on the stairs rocking and crying : I know it’s scary honey.  You have to pull it together and watch your sisters.  I’ll call Daddy and he’ll be home as soon as he can.  I need your help.

We FLEW out of the driveway and down highway N.  I’m not proud of how fast I drove.  I sped.  A lot.  But I honest to God thought this dog was most likely going to die.  I called Dr. Evil.  He was just leaving work and more than 20 minutes away.

So who do I call?  Awesome Amy.  The conversation went something like this…..

Me : Hi.  I need your help.  Are you busy and what are you doing?

Her : Okay – what do you need.  I’m fine.

Me : Go get my girls.  Burton Puppy is hurt and they are freaking out.  Dr. Evil is about 20 minutes away and I don’t want them alone.

Her : Got it.  I’ll get them and bring them to my place.

Me : Thanks.  You’re the best.

 

Then I hung up.  I just hung up.   Called the clinic.  It went to voice mail at 4:59.  As I was barreling down the highway I decided I would go there anyways and surely someone would be there to answer the door.

We got in the parking lot at 5:01.  Lights off.  Dark.  Eldest Spawn ran around and banged on every surface we could to see if anyone was there.

No dice.  The message said to go to Woodbury…I thought he’d be dead if we went that far.  (He wasn’t exhibiting any signs of being in pain but was sort of quiet…do dogs go into shock?)

Eldest Spawn googled other vets in Hudson.  Luckily the first one we called was open and only about 3 minutes away.  Bring him right in, we’ll be waiting for you.

Flew in the drive.  Ran around and grabbed him from Eldest Spawn.  In we went.

They were so sweet there….I was a mess.  Remember the whole Fizzgig thing – well, the last time I was this frantic about a dog…I had run him over.  She looked at him and said “Oh, I see.”

The vet came in and looked at him more closely.  Said it was going to take some stitches to close him up but it wasn’t that deep.  He’d need surgery and they’d keep him overnight.  No worries, he’ll be fine.

And then he found his feisty self – she tried to take him from me and he was PISSED.

 

We left Burton Puppy there and I started to get shaky.  I praised Eldest Spawn.  He was so calm and responsible.  Held onto Burton Puppy all the way there and talked to him in this sweet, calm voice.  He was so…grown up about the whole thing.

Then I started crying.  Poor Eldest Spawn knew what I was thinking about.  He said, “Mom, Fizzy was old.  It was an accident.  And I really was only kidding when you thought I was mad about borrowing my snowboard.”

I had to laugh.  He was trying to cheer me up.  A kid.  A super kid.

 

We got to Awesome Amy’s and picked up the Female Spawn.  They were doing homework.  Man..that woman deserves a medal.  She is seriously amazing.  The girls got ready and we left for home so we could then leave for Girl Scouts.

 

Home to find evidence Eldest Female Spawn was making up bowls of cereal with glasses of milk for her little sisters.  She had set the table and was preparing to feed them when Amy arrived.  And she put on a movie the two littles liked a lot.  She so pulled it together.  Another amazing kid.  I’m so proud of her.

 

Burton Puppy will be fine.  He’s sporting the Cone of Shame and as Dr. Evil calls it his ‘wife beater’ t-shirt.  We’re hoping to prevent him from scratching at his 26 staples on the outside and internal stitches.  Poor dude.  There is a long cut.  The vet warned me over the phone the injury was larger than I thought because when I brought him in it was all bunched up.

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The vet said it appeared he either was bit and pulled away or got caught up on something and pulled.  I really hope he got caught on something.  There is a dog that wanders our neighborhood a lot.  Animal Control is on a first name basis with him.  He can be sweet but he tried to nip at Eldest Female Spawn last summer.  Most likely he tried to go under our deck – he’s quite a bit larger than he used to be…was 6 lbs when we got him – now he’s a whopping 32…and got caught up on something.

As for Burton Puppy…this is what he thinks of his new ‘get-up.’

I will get you when you sleep.  Just wait.

I will get you when you sleep. Just wait.

 

 

Now to ensure I don’t send the Green Eyed Burton after you, you should click on the juggling lady on the upper left.  Doing so casts a vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs where I’ve again fallen drastically!  Help a girl out!

And check out my Facebook page….Evil Joy Speaks.  There’s some fun coming soon!

One Year since EJ was Spawned….Woot Woot!!

Evil Joy here with a post on getting older.  And that being gooder.

Yup.  A year ago today, EJ came to life.  While Evil Joy Speaks isn’t a year old yet, EJ has spread the happiness on Facebook for exactly one year.

Here’s that first post….on Facebook…

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26 Nov 2011

Evil Joy here with a sarcastic update for my followers: As many of you know Brent has a short beard and I strongly dislike it!!!!! Well. Another wonderful person here at the hospital that I know from Hudson mentioned the first thing she does to her ICU men is shave off those beards. I looked at her and smiled a conspiratory grin. And his nurse for the day said he’d try to get to it if he can. If not “She’ll be back tonight!”

Off with the beard I say!
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Happy to say last night I shaved Dr. Evil’s head (at his request) and he’s off and running (literally) this morning already.

Woot Woot! It’s my birthday It’s my birthday!!

Party like it’s my birthday!!!  And to celebrate – I gave up the sweet nectar of life today.  God Help those around me.  Be nice!!  Or I’ll definitely go Evil on Your Arse!

EJ out – to get my second cup of *gulp* coffee.

 

If you want to get me a present but are too cheap – simply click on the Top Mommy Blogs link to cast a vote for yours truly.  Thanks!

The Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award!

Evil Joy here jumping for excitement!  I received my VERY FIRST EVER BLOGGING AWARD!!!!!  WWWWWOOOOOOOTTTTTT!

So to let you know what the deal is……

Rules of the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

  • All recipients need to thank the giver
  • Post 7 things about yourself
  • Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers of their choice and let them know that they have been nominated.
  • Include the logo of the award in a post or on your blog

 

Without further ado – THANK YOU SNARKFEST!!!!!  She is amazing – reads and comments on my blog (which of course makes her all the more amazing).  You should definitely spend some time with Snarkfest – her blog is wonderful.  You can also find her on Facebook – look her up.  Like her.  You’ll be entertained each morning if her spawn make the bus – her jingles should be purchased by someone who will pay her lots of money!

 

Okay….7 totally random things about me, myself, and I.

1.  I love salt.  Olives, pickles, tomatoes with salt, tequila with salt and lime (training wheels).  I would lick the salt shaker if that weren’t totally gross.

2.  I like snakes.  I’m the neighborhood go-to gal if you have a snake in your basement – just call me – sort of like “Four Pups and a Worm.”

3.  I would love to live overseas.  Yes, even with all 4 spawn.  Just to have the chance to expose them (and myself) to a different culture.

4.  I’m TERRIFIED of the dark.  Seriously.  Thank God the spawn have night lights – that way I don’t have to have one.  Theirs shine into the hall for me.

5.  My dream is get my pilots license.  And sing, “I’m leaving, on a jet plane….” while flying.

6.  I want to like coffee.  But I don’t.  Not at all.

7.  I like things to be neat and tidy – square corners and all that crap – but seeing as I’m a slob – it doesn’t happen much.

 

Okay 7 Blogs to nominate!  I think they’re all awesome!  There’s way more than 7, but since the rules say 7, and I’m a rule follower, 7 it is.

1.  Joy and Woe

2.  Fortyteen Candles

3.  Some Species Eat Their Young

4.  Skinny Jeans and Yoga Pants

5.  Sassy Sass

6.  Story of a Girl

7.  Texana’s Kitchen

 

So – go check out Snarkfest – then check out each of the blogs listed above.  Let ’em know Evil Joy sent ya.

 

Have a Fabulously Evil Day!!!!

 

 

Drink Much?

So this is what happens when Evil Joy goes to Target thirsty.

Mello Yello Zero, Diet Cherry Coke, Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk, Vitamin Water, and Cow Milk…..we should be set for about 4 days…..

 

Can you imagine if I ever went to the grocery store hungry?!

Yeah…I went in to pick up prescriptions, and left with $22.38 in beverages….and they’re not even alcoholic!?!  WTHeck?

EJ out – to find the nearest rest room.

Float some love my way and give the juggling lady a click – Top Mommy Blogs icon located in the upper right.  Thanks!

Funny how timing works….

So last week I posted on FB about a little one calling my Littlest Spawn ‘fat kid.’  I got a number of responses….good bad evil sweet…..

We talked about it, about how fat is just a word, she’s perfect for the size and shape she is, and if called any name in the future to respond with, “My name is Littlest Spawn, you may call me that.”  She’s all good.  Moved on.  Played with the little one the next day and had fun.  Hasn’t thought a thing about it and is a happy little spawn.  (I did something right for once as a parent!!!  Yay me!!)

I’m still bothered.  Probably because I was the fat little kid.  Miss Piggy is what everyone called me.  For YEARS.  And I’m not little now either – I’m a fluffy gal.  I run.  I eat right sometimes.  I take care of myself, but I’m not small.  Yes, short, but no, not thin.

So I find it ironic this happened right around the time that National Anti-Bullying Month – didn’t even know about that until it showed up everywhere on Facebook.  And then I saw the video below.  I went to high school with this woman.  I am amazed and in awe of how she handled the situation.  I watched the responses blow up on Facebook.  I hope she does indeed hear the words of support of many and not the words of one person.  And if her words reach even one child who is struggling – what an amazing success…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUOpqd0rQSo]

EJ out – to teach my spawn to be good people.

Take a minute and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right to cast a vote for me over there.  Thanks.

Stuff I Love….

Evil Joy here with the first ever “Stuff I Love” post.  I hope this will become a regular thing…you’ll have to let me know if you like hearing about what I like….

Sundar Imports “fair trade/made fashion + a love for frill = sundar imports”

Holy cats.  Love love love this stuff.  All of it.

From their Facebook page :  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sundar-Imports

“Sundar Imports all started with 2 girls that shared a love for fair trade fashion with frill and a personal vision to make the world a little brighter!

inspired from artisans around the world….we are delighted to offer fair trade/made clothing, bags and accessories {with dashes of frill here and there!}…
Based out of Hudson, Wisconsin…..we are a Pop-Up Boutique that would love to see you at one of our next events!”
From the Evil Joy point of view – this all rocks.  I’ve mentioned before how I’d like to be more girly.  Well…this helps – without loosing my non-girly side at the same time.  I just walk in to the pop-ups and feel at home.  S and B (owners) are amazing and wonderful.  It’s like shopping in your home – with someone else providing all these awesome items – the knowledge of how to use/wear the items – and the comfort of running into a room to try stuff on and having all your friends there to support you!  On top of it all – fair trade – fair made.  A.Maz.Ing.
Everything I’ve purchased it a perfect fit – literally and figuratively.  Sometimes it’s frustrating to shop at the big stores where you know someone somewhere is making a buck off of people making next to nothing for producing what you’re buying.   Being the Evil Guilty Girl I am – knowing I can support someone and ensure they are paid properly for their time and talent…awesome.
Now understand – no this is not a paid endorsement.  I just like the stuff.  I like what it stands for.  I like the uniqueness of the items.  I like the idea behind it all.   You should check it out.  Find them on Facebook – Like them on Facebook….(Evil Grrrr if you don’t! : ) )
Anyway…..
EJ out – to work on flashcards – who knew telling time could be so fun!?!  Seriously – these flash cards I picked up – they have all different fun and funky clocks on them!  Teaching time telling rocks!
Take a minute and give me a click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  And remember to find Sundar Imports and like them too!  Have a Fabulous Day!

Why Doesn’t School Start Until September 4th?

Seriously.  I’m so jealous of my friend’s posts on Facebook and the happy smiling pictures of kids going to school.

My Spawn are still on summer break.  For two more weeks.  WTHeck.

Now…I enjoy my Spawn – just sort of sick of them, they’re sick of me, and they are soooo sick of each other.  We’ve had a fabulous summer but it’s time to move from Summer Vacation to Back to School.  Then there is truth in advertising at the places we shop….”Back to School Sale,” “Fall Favorites…”  and the like.

However right now for us – totally false advertising.  We are still in summer mode.  Meaning late and early risers (late being 7am), late bedtimes….ball games (these are good), walks outside (again, good), and loads of bickering (not so good).  Evil Joy had made several appearances in the past week, taking over for Mom when all else fails.  My Spawn have learned the signs of the metamorphosis about to occur….and don’t give a flying fig.  They keep on keeping on getting in trouble and having multiple encore performances of Evil Joy on a daily basis.

Evil Baseball Monkey and the Sweet Nectar – things getting Evil Joy through the summer……

And the perceived sense of entitlement in this household……  Impressive.  When the heck did stat to believe life arrives on a silver platter?  Eldest Spawn wants a new video game and needs to earn $25 to get it.  I normally refuse to pay for him watching his sisters or doing chores.  That’s just part of being our family – you pitch in (or so I’d like to think).   I set some serious guideline if he was going to be earning dough watching them – no tv, no screens of any kind, you must actually play WITH them, entertain them, feed them, and clean up.

I think some of those things got through to him.  Others (like CLEANING UP) not so much.

He waltzed in here a minute ago asking if he had earned the molah yet.

Ummmm.  No.

He had the audacity to get mad.  Guess what buddy – you just earned negative dollars at the Bank of Evil Joy.

The Band of Evil Joy may just go on extended holiday therefore unable to pay out any earned money or loans.

Take that Eldest Entitled One.  I’m going to work the Entitled out of all of them – eventually.  After all, why do you think I had four Spawn….Slave Labor!

EJ out – to make up an Evil Awesome New Chore Chart …. and put it to use!!!!  Bawahahahahahahahaha!

If you don’t want a chore chart, you should click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the right.  One click is all.  Then I’ll be able to give you a check on your chore chart!

Evil Awesome Summer!

Evil Joy here with a post on summer, Spawn, and awareness of time.

So…I love summer.  I’ve stated the fact over and over on these posts…(sooooo…did you know I love summer?  Did ya?  Huh? Huh?)  In the past few days summer has felt like what I remember as a spawn myself.  Triple digit temps – humidity too high to want to move – the only way to feel cool was to jump in the pool while eating a freezee pop.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a wimp and I love love love love my air conditioner.  In fact I like it way more than Dr. Evil (he has stopped turning it off when he leaves for work….I’m home all day…ummmmm…..).  It’s nice to come in from the heat and get that chill one can only get from instant cold air on hot skin.

My Spawn are finally loving summer.  I, in my Evil Wisdom, signed them up for ‘summer school’ – fun classes meeting for two weeks – beginning one week after ‘official school’ ended.

At 8 am.  8 am……8 ?! am?!  I do this every year.  And every year I say I’m not going to put them in the 8 am class, yet again and again I do.  Eldest Spawn has Raider Elite every M, W, T at 8 am as well…in a different location.  (Raider Elite – sort of like gym class/conditioning for spawn grades 5-12.)  And this occurs all summer long – until 16 August….or there abouts…..  With summer school finally finished up – summer has truly arrived!

And now….4th of July has come and …is going to come to our house again Saturday.  But after that…..the realization the date is already approaching mid July….well 09 July…..really hit me yesterday.

That means there’s only 6 weeks or so left of summer.  Only.  Yikes.  I need to get a lot of time in with my Spawn.  I will miss them when school starts.  (now – in 5.5 weeks – I may be oooohhh soooo ready for school to begin again….but for now…..)  I am loving hopping in the pool with them.  I am loving telling them to get off the screens.  I am loving having them around to hear their giggles and laughs…and even their arguing.  I love cheering them on ball – celebrating when they win and working with them when they lose.  I am loving seeing my friends who teach during the year and have summers off.

So…

Summer – keep it happening!  Loving it!  Good job!

Spawn – enjoy your time at home!  Keep it happening!  Love you!  Good Job!

Time – slow down and let me savor these moments.  My Spawn are growing up waaaay to fast.

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EJ out – to enjoy some cuddles with Spawn #4 who really needs to learn to sleep past 5:15 am.

Oh yeah – if you can take a second to show me the love – click on the top mommy blogs icon on the left.  One click.  Do it or I’ll go Evil Joy on ya!  Just kidding.  You can vote for me by clicking there once a day.  Thanks!!!

(graphic source : wonderclipart.com)

Desperately Seeking….(no…not Susan)….my Evil Zen

Evil Joy here with a post on life, love, and the pursuit of my personal Zen.

So…summer is here.  I love summer.  I’m even loving the hot temps – snow is never far from arriving here so there’s no not loving summer.  I’ll go Evil on ya if I hear any of that crapola.

Being Evil Mom to four wonderful Spawn, Evil Wife to Dr. Evil, and Evil Friend to those fortunate enough to know me (and kind enough to continue to know me after all my Evil Crapola the last few many months) – all of those roles take a lot of energy.  Energy I am happy to expend.  Energy I would at times rather expend running.  Or reading.  Not cleaning.  Never cleaning…..

Due to previous statement, I’ve been desperately seeking my Evil Zen.  And my non-Evil Zen.  Side ways Zen.  Inside outside upside down Zen.  (Need a break from Berenstain Bears anyone?  Bueller?)  Any and all Zen.

And low and behold…while doing Evil Cleaning (may not want to do it, but it must be done.  I have spoken), I saw this……

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Now…I must really be desperately seeking my Zen …..  the universe heard me……

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to see a ying-yang in a spot of ketchup and mustard needing to be cleaned off my kitchen table.

Sweet Spawn left me a mess, but showed me the location of my Zen….in them.

EJ out – to paint nails with the Female Spawn (plus BFF of Spawn #3 – she’s moving away tomorrow  …  that’s a whole ‘nother post ) and enjoy my Zen.

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