Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: fellow parents (page 1 of 7)

Advice…from a new mom

So I’m linking up at Theme Thursday.  I seem to mess this up every time I do this and forget to do what I’m suppose to.  (I’m sorry!!!)  Here’s the link to Theme Thursday.  Go check out what others are saying about this week’s theme : Advice  Thanks to Something Clever 2.0 for doing this!!!

I love when I go out with my Littlest Spawn.  She’s a doll face .. except when she’s not. Then she’s the devil incarnate.  She can scream and carry on with the best of them.  In the last year, this has subsided considerably but on occasion it still happens.

My favorite situation is when she is having a hard time with a new environment and I’m past dealing with it.  I’m more of the tough love kinda mama – not the cuddling type.  At all.  Ever.  (Sorry Spawn – suck it up – that’s the way it goes – not everyone wins – you’re fine – get over it)

In walks chic mom in her heels, skinny jeans, with her six month old baby dressed in the latest Gap line head to toe.  Who proceeds to give me advice.  For a child who is 4.5 years older than her first baby.  Advice she read in a book.  And her friend told her about.  And she saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

Yeah.  Bite me.

Depending on my mood, one of three things happens:

Mood 1 : Happy and Well Rested

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Thanks.  I’m sure it’ll get better.  Have a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 2 : Normal Evil Joy – Tired, Slightly Frazzled, Running 17 Different Directions

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Yeah, I know…my older THREE went through this stage too.  Later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 3 : Exhausted, Dr. Evil on Travel, Other Spawn Acting Up at Home, Last Thin Thread of Sanity Broken by This Woman

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Look.  I appreciate you trying to give advice for a child you have no idea about.  Obviously the books you’ve read have made you think you’re prepared.  You’re not.  Just wait.  Wait until she can talk and walk and run away from you and pull over a display in the store.  Wait until she doesn’t like you.  I have THREE OLDER CHILDREN.  I’ve done this shit before.  Yeah – I swore – your baby can’t talk yet and I could say shit over and over again and it will not affect her because she’ll never ever see me again.  And yes, close your open jaw, I swore in front of my five-year old who knows better than to repeat it at all.  I was just like you lady – thought I had it all in the bag.  I don’t.  At least I’m smart and experienced enough to KNOW I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.  Good Day.

Yeah – Mood 3 – not one of my finer moments.  Thankfully I was in a different town and will most likely never see this woman again.  God, I hope not.

So I try hard to not give advice unless asked.  Even then I tread cautiously.  Are they really asking for advice or do they want reassurance everyone is as confused and clueless as the next parent.  None of our spawn came with manuals.  None of our spawn are alike.  Some advice is great …. but sometimes …. for the love of Pete …. bite your tongue.

Except – okay – the one and only time I don’t hold back is if I notice your spawn’s eyes aren’t properly aligned.  Eldest Spawn has strabismus and amblyopia caught at age 2.  He’s been patched, had and still has bifocals, and wears glasses to correct his alignment and vision.  If not caught early enough the damage caused can be more severe.  So…that’s the one time I know I’ve crossed the line….but if it helps just one kid……

EJ out – to drive in the Mother Loving Snow to see a visiting friend!!!!!

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(graphic sources : pinterest.com, casaazuldelaribera.es)

Don’t Mess with Mama Monday

Can you feel the steam exploding from my ears?  If not, trust me, global warming has taken a hit in the last 12 hours.

Photo on 3-25-13 at 5.07 PM #2

Eldest Spawn.  You are in a world of trouble.  I’ve been more angry in the past, but wow.  You took it to a new level today – a new deception attempt level.  Note the attempt.  Remember – it was attempted and squashed.  Let this be a lesson.

You blew it.  Big time.  By playing on my biggest fear and consideration for my spawn.

Puke.

Telling me you threw up so you wouldn’t have to go to school.  And then putting shredded wheat on the toilet and telling me there was some “splash back” from when you threw up.  And spilling your cereal on the floor.

You should know my Mom Spidey Sense was atinglin’ – I can smell a lie like a fart in an elevator.  (I think that’s a movie quote….).  I sat there, on the couch adjacent to you, talking to you, listening to the answers, the Mom Spidey Sense tingle getting stronger and stronger.

Then I flat out said, “I don’t believe you.”

You threw yourself dramatically on the couch.  Then about 20 seconds later, fessed up.  You weren’t sick.  You were worried about a test you forgot about.

Oh wow.  Seriously.

Then you had the EVIL AUDACITY to attempt to put it back on me.  “You expect perfection.”

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!  

In no uncertain terms I simply said, “I expect your best effort.”

 

Followed by, “Get your butt on the bus.  You can study during lunch, on the bus, or in-between classes.”

…..

Then I sent him out the door with the knowledge punishment would be coming, hard, swift, and….

creatively.

So far he has lost XBox, iPod, iPad, and Beats privileges for one week.  Oh and computer access other than for school work.  (we’re not spoiled at all….) And next he has to write out 5 punishments and I get to choose 1-3 of them depending on what he comes up with.  And call Dr. Evil (on travel this week) and tell him what he did.  And … he specifically tried to throw out the “Don’t blog about this.”  So….of course I am!

He has just read this.  Tried unsuccessfully to edit or delete parts.  I felt the need to sit on him and show him who is boss.

As you see, this Evil Mama reigns supreme.

 

I am seriously angry.  This is not something acceptable in my lair.  In a while, we’ll laugh about it.  Right now…he’s doing chores and will be doing more chores in the upcoming days.  And will think twice about ever telling me he’s sick again because unless I see puke leaving his body or he has a raging temperature – he’s going to school.  Every freaking day.

Schmuck.

 

EJ out – to get that list and have fun picking out punishments.

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And go visit Snarkfest and buy “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

Happy Easter?

I’ve always been one to decorate my house for holidays.  I have 20 gallon totes labeled for most holidays.  Some holidays only rate one tote – Thanksgiving.  Others three – Halloween (but then some of the Halloween double for Thanksgiving).  Christmas of course – at least 12 totes.

Well, lately I’ve not been so big on decorating.  Clutter, mess, and I don’t know….just don’t want to.

Then yesterday.  Littlest Spawn and I were wandering around a store when we saw…these.

Quick warning – these may incite nightmares in some…well…everyone.

Take a carrot My Pretty!

Take a carrot My Pretty!

 

It can't be morning yet!  I still need to sleep off my hangover.

It can’t be morning yet! I still need to sleep off my hangover.

 

And what the heck?  Ancient Tinker Bell who went on a few too many benders?

And what the heck? Ancient Tinker Bell who went on a few too many benders?

So…when decorating for the holidays- whatever holidays you celebrate or observe …

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T BUY THESE THINGS unless you’re out to scare the bejeezus out of your spawn.  Then…buy more than one of each and set up a scene for them to wake up to and scare the living snot out of them…..hmmmm….I think I need to go shopping.

EJ out – to get ready to face below zero wind chill on the first day of Spring!

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Evil Toys are Taking Control….

A while back I wrote about our doll houses inspired by a  post from The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.  (And she’s a part of that new book all the cool kids are getting “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”)

Here’s a small recap of that…..through pictures….

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Y’all remember Evil Scary Baby Girl/Boy right?  She gave several of you nightmares…..

Well…they’re BAAACCCCKKKKKKKK!

And now…the Evil Spawn of the Doll House are ruling the world….Muwahahahahah!

Breaking New in the Lair of Evil Joy….beep beep beep …. you know…the sound of breaking news…….

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As you can see the spawn have gathered.  With their nanny.  And with the newly brain washed toys joining their Evil Little Posse.  I believe Evil Scary American Girl Doll is in charge.  I’m sure as hell not about to question her authority.

The Fairy God Mothers are currently trapped on a partition of the roof.  Their magic powers are inactive from this part of the roof.  They are helpless to stop what is happening in the main house.

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All animals have been banished to the actual roof.  Although they’d support the Evil Spawn I’m sure.  Probably just making sure they don’t go all zombie and eat the … wait…..you’ll have to read about that….  I’m certain the Evil Spawn will offer them food and water later.  The Evil Spawn don’t seem the type to let them bake to death in the sun.  Hello Kitty and the Easter Bunny seem pretty agile so if they do get trapped, I’m sure all will be rescued.  Plus, Littlest Spawn is an animal lover.

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The following pictures may be disturbing to some of my readers.  Parental guidance is required.

The carnage may only be properly described with pictures….Daddy #1 fought the hardest….he was the first to go over….

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After Daddy #1 was out of the way, all of the parental figures were ‘dealt with’ in a similar manner…..

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Take note of Pinkilicious cheering – she’s an Evil Little Bag.  And the toddlers are full of happy “I tossed my parents over the railing” smiles.  I’m fairly certain Evil American Girl Doll’s hair grows more poofy with each kill.

So watch out parental figure dolls.  You’ve seen what can happen with the spawn rule the doll house.

Just in case you’re wondering…Littlest Spawn and I had a belly busting laughing time tossing those parents over the edge.  Then the Little People ambulance came to rescue them…and bury them in the doll box.  Never to be heard from again.  Until she wants to play with them.

EJ out – to borrow Eldest Spawn’s snowboard without his permission.  We have fresh powder….can’t miss this opportunity!  My board is unavailable at this time so…..lucky for me he’s about the same height as me!!!!  His stance is wider, but I’ll live…and have fun!  Bawahahaha!

Take a minute and help me out!  Evil Joy has slipped to #34 in the Humor Blogs category – #34!!?!?!?!?!?  I was in the top 10 for a long time.  I need to get back there.  I want to get back…Please help me get back there!!!  Click on the flashing banner below.  I’m going to put the juggling lady back because it seems more IN YOUR FACE PLEASE VOTE FOR ME than the flashing banner.  Look for her return.  But in the mean time, click THE BANNER!  PLEASE!!!

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Come Again?

Eldest Spawn is trying to flex his pre-teen muscles.

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I say something like, “The dog needs to go for a walk.” Implying directly he should take the dog for a walk.

He replies, “Sounds like fun.” And walks over to the XBox.

Come again?! Ummm. No. That did not just happen.

Oh yes it did.

And oh yes, I addressed it.

They are returning from the walk shortly. Both dogs and Eldest Spawn.

Moral of the story? Don’t mess with Evil Joy. But really…don’t mess with Mom. Ever. Got it?

Good.

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Cheap….I mean Frugal…..

With four spawn, 2 dogs, a house, a car and truck…and a Dr. Evil who likes Sam’s Club (I know…it’s all food….) I am the cheapest person around.  Seeing as I don’t work outside the lair…part of my job as I see it is to save where I can.

Hence…sewing snow pants back together multiple times.  And with the wrong thread color because…why would I buy some when I have some I can use?  And not only that – I didn’t even buy these snow pants…not on clearance or anything.  They were given to us.  And I’m so crazy cheap I refuse to cut and hem them because if I just fold them and keep them from falling apart – next year they’ll fit perfectly and once again…I won’t have to buy snow pants for one or more spawn.

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And it’s not like we’re broke or anything.  We’re not rolling in it.  But we have more than enough, especially considering there are those without snow pants at all …….or shelter or food.  Since Dr. Evil didn’t kick the bucket, I’ve been slightly more relaxed about money.  And now I’ve gotten over that part too.  I’m back to my penny-pinching ways.  I started buying Melaleuca because it negates the need to ever go to Target or Wal-Mart.  I haven’t been to Target since December and not to Wal-Mart since November.  It’s one month expenditure that is much less than three or more trips a month to one or both of those stores.  I switched all prescriptions to a place with a drive through so I don’t even have to go in the store and be tempted to look around.

My only weakness….well…one of my few weaknesses…..convenience dinner.  Ordering pizza.  Eating lunch out.  I don’t do these things often, but they are the one place I could spend a little less.  But frankly…I don’t spend any other money most all month and those are my little ‘treats’ to myself.  And once we start training for the marathon – I’m sure those treats will be replaced with purchasing running shoes and we go through them a little faster than normal with the mileage we’ll be putting in.

So all in all…I’m cheap.  Frugal sounds better.  But frankly….cheap is more accurate.  Our spawn aren’t in many activities.  We don’t want to spend the funds.  Or the gas driving them there.  Or the family time apart.  We are so busy in the summer that in the non-summer….we just hang out.  And snowboard.  Which we paid for one time.  And only needed to go 6 times to make it worth it.  Seeing as I went 6 times in the last 9 days….yeah…I’m cheap.

 

Where do you save money?  Coupons?  Making your own cleaning products?  Give me ideas people!  I need to be even cheaper!!!!

EJ out – to find some Diet Dew.

Take a minute and click on the flashing banner below.  Hopefully I’ve worked all the kinks out and it’ll work this time!

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How I got my Spawn Kicked out of …..

Her Girl Scout troop.  Yes….this did happen.  Yes….I’m pissed.  Yes….I’m glad she’s no longer in this troop.  And Yes….I think it’s sort of funny….giggle giggle funny.

So a couple of years ago I found out a troop was forming in our school.  I sort of begged to get Second Eldest Female Spawn into this troop.  Eldest Female Spawn is in a kick-ass troop – super organized and – understanding – of my….let’s say…my inability to meet every deadline or assignment target with her..troop.  Based on my previous (and current) experience with Eldest Female Spawn (EFS) – I was sort of psyched to get Second Eldest Female Spawn (SEFS) involved.

Meeting times weren’t the best for me but as I didn’t have time to give to the group, I didn’t say anything.  I refuse to complain about something I am unable to help with.  If I had time I would be there and ready to help out!  Problem is I have two older spawn and one littler spawn…and a traveling Dr. Evil.  And 2 dogs.  And a partridge in a pear tree.

We made the meetings we could.  We did what we could.  We missed a lot of stuff.

Then Dr. Evil got sick.  One of the awesome moms just took over driving SEFS to and from meetings and took care of stuff.  The girls sold cookies and put one in her name so she could get a patch.  We bridged to Brownies.  She had a great time at Bridging.  I so didn’t fit in with the other moms…..oh well…it’s not about me…it’s for her.

Fast forward.  I sent in the registration form to the National place or whatever vs doing it locally because …we….missed that meeting.  Fall softball took precedence.  A leader thought I hadn’t registered took me off emails.  I told her I had and she confirmed with the higher powers that be and included me once again.

Another email came out.  Then another.  I don’t remember these emails.  I am guilty of not reading my mail often – I get like 100 messages a day.  I sometimes don’t log on.  I sometimes pretend I don’t have email and don’t look at it for days.  Or I look for the ones from the school…and the bank…and that’s it.  (and now for the ones from eviljoyspeaks@gmail.com).  I knew cookie time was approaching.

Then I got the email.  The one that said I was being a mean person if I thought I could not respond to emails or attend meetings and take cookies from another girl who did respond and mess with their goal.  If only I’d taken the time to read the emails.  Blah Blah Blah.

I.Was.Pissed.

I was informed the people running and Involved in the troop were making it a success.  I should look for another troop for my spawn to be a part of.

I calmly replied….while biting my tongue off.  “I would NEVER expect to take cookies from another child.  I am obviously too busy to be a part of this for my daughter.  Please remove us from all mailing lists and correspondences.”

I received a “thanks for understanding” reply.

Then…I lost it and sent the scathing email I was thinking about sending the first time.   Probably not my best moment…..

I had to tell SEFS she is no longer apart of her troop.  I told in her no uncertain terms it was not her fault, but mine.  I told her we can find a new troop.  I have spoken with EFS (and her leaders) and she said she’d love for SEFS to come to a meeting with her so she feels included.  EFS even suggested – before I said a word – SEFS should come with her to sell cookies so she would be happy.  SEFS was completely fine with all of this.  Which – in and of itself – speaks volumes to me.

Overall, I am happy with the outcome of this situation.  The leadership displayed – kicking a kid out of a freaking Girl Scout troop – is not something I want my daughter to model.  The leader was valid in her points about my lack of participation.  I openly admit that.  I am busy.  I am a mom.  I have to make decisions about which things are more important when I am running our lair on my own.  I am the only one able to drive.  Four Spawn.  Eldest Spawn’s activities have a slightly heavier weight if they are school related as he’s approaching high school in a couple of years.

But really – who gets kicked out of Girl Scouts?  (ummmm…I got kicked out of Blue Birds for setting a mini fire in the garbage can when I was 8 at summer camp with my friend Becky……she was doomed from the start via genetics.)

We Do ! We Do !

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Who? Me?

EJ out – to find another troop for SEFS!

Take a minute and click on the blinking banner below – doing so will cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’ve fallen waaaaay off in the running!  Help me climb back up the ranks in the Humor Blog category.

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And thanks to Anna Sandler for the idea to write this post.  Twitter @Anna_Sandler.

Missing Pieces…..

Evil Joy here with a post on toys….the spawn’s toys…..and the ownership I feel of them.

See – I like the toys to be together.  If you have a doll house all the doll house pieces should be together and located in a close proximity to said doll house.  If you are playing kitchen all the dishes and kitchen toys are located in a blue bin marked “Kitchen Toys” stacked on a shelf adjacent to the toy kitchen.  And since school is often played along with kitchen the school toys are also adjacent to said toy kitchen.

When Eldest Spawn was little I was incredibly OBSESSED with collecting Fischer Price Little People.  I mean crazy obsessed.  We had the farm, the farm add-on, the village, the school, the fire station, the circus….and when the Eldest Female Spawn arrived we added the house and mini-van.  Oh – and we had every vehicle and being known to man.  The little people garbage truck, tow truck, helicopter in two sizes, every farm animal, house animal, baby pieces.  You get the picture…..

Eldest Spawn and I used to play with the farm every night.  We’d launch the farmer out the window and he would GIGGLE the best GIGGLE ever!  It was awesome.

Then at bedtime we’d say ‘night night’ to the farmer, pig, horse, chicken, hay bale, goat, and cow.  And scarecrow and corn.  And the rooster on the top.

The thing is – to this day, I’ve lost one piece and it makes me EVIL CRAZY.  The pig….he left.  He left because we like bacon.  I’m sure of it.

Given the level of detail I can describe these toys I haven’t seen in a couple of years you must understand my crazy strange memory.  And how I like things kept together.  Pieces and parts go with their respective parent toy.  It just is the way it is.  I don’t care if you mix them up to play but at the end of the day….they had best be sorted or Evil Joy gets pissy.

So….today.  Puzzles came out.  In particular the puzzles Eldest Spawn (now 12) got for his first birthday.

I am still bothered by what I saw.  I suspect it will haunt my dreams. FOREVER.

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Between having two puppies and four spawn to chew on various pieces, a move, numerous rearrangements, and a few spawn from another mother who liked to throw puzzle pieces into my air duct returns…these few, sweet, dear letters are all I have left.  I mean….all Eldest Spawn has left of his puzzle.

The tragedy.  The untold tragedy.  What becomes of puzzles without the right pieces?  Can this go into recycling?  Goodwill won’t want it – unless they have a person who takes all the crap like this I’m sure they get and Frankensteins together a puzzle with a full set of pieces.

This poor dejected puzzle…..is back in the puzzle bin with the hopes I will find additional letters as we clean and rearrange the next time.  Here’s hoping….

EJ out – to question Regions the Elf to see if he had anything to do with the missing puzzle pieces….he’s a little thief you know.

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Those nuts are okay…..

Evil Joy here with a post on the strangeness that is our world.

So Eldest Female Spawn used to get hives all the time.  We tried to figure out what it was.  Nothing yielded results.  But when I told our doctor about where she got the hives – on her face, outside her throat and down the tops of her shoulders, she suggested having her tested for nut allergies.

Fortunately that test came back inconclusive.  We know peanuts are not the enemy.  Neither are pistachios.

However….when she’s eaten walnuts or pecans – she gets hives.  And on her face and neck.  The concern is if they are on the outside – are they on the inside too?  And if each exposure results in a stronger reaction from her will it cause to throat to swell?

So….

Some tree nuts but not others?  Is this possible?  WTHeck?!?!

Okay…that’s super easy to manage.  No pecans or walnuts just to be safe.  And if she gets some – I have benedryl – in the car, in the truck, in my purse, in my gym bag, at the school office.

However Eldest Female Spawn likes to constantly question us whether or not she is allowed to have peanuts.  She’s 10.  She knows to ask before she eats banana bread or cookies with nuts.  Dude.  You eat PBJ all the time.  You can have peanut butter.  She asks at the store, she asks at restaurants.  She asks and acts very concern with that look.

The Evil Look that says, “I’m asking you a question I know the answer to.  I know it’s a silly question because I know the answer.  I know it’s a silly question because you as my mama aren’t going to intentionally feed me anything I shouldn’t have.  But I’m asking it to get your attention.  I’m asking it loudly.  In public.  Often.”

So I sound like the Evil Horrible Mom exclaiming, “You know which tree nuts you can’t have.  You know you can have peanut butter and Nutella.  You know how to read ingredients if you’re at a friend’s house and not sure.  Stop with the DRAMA!”

To which the pissy lady at Target says, “You should be happy she’s looking into these things and taking it so seriously.  With all the allergies these days, you can’t be too safe.”

Stuff It pissy lady at Target.  Seriously.  Stuff It.

Eldest Female Spawn gives me that triumphant look – you know the look.  The one that says, “Haha mama, see …. I’m right …. and an adult neither of us knows or will ever see again just validated everything I’m thinking.  And you know the next time I’m going ask again.  In Target.  Loudly.”

So…listen here Eldest Female Spawn, walnuts and pecans.

You.Shall.Not.Meet.  Those nuts Shall.Not.Pass.Your.Lips.

And if you do meet….I have benedryl to combat your arse.

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EJ out – to check the expiration date on the benedryl.

Keep the hives away.  Vote for me at TMB by clicking on the juggling lady.  You can vote once a day.  Thanks!

(graphic source : agfoodsafety.org)

It Wasn’t So Evil After All….

So in my infinite wisdom, I told my Eldest Female and Second Eldest Female Spawn they could have their sleepover birthday parties at the same time, on the same day, in the same location – our lair.  I then felt slight ill as I realized what I’d opened myself up to….

16 little girls.  girly girls.  nail polish.  Eeek!  The anticipation was killing us all – spawn excited, me…terrified.  I’m the least girly girl you’ll meet……

Then Dr. Evil went on travel.  And he had a cold.  And we had a party.

Are.You.Kidding.Me?

It’s the trifecta from last year – only last year he cancelled his trip because he didn’t feel well …..and that would become the understatement of the century.

Talk about PANIC.ATTACK.

 

Then reality set in and I realized I was having this Evil Wonderful Party (no sarcasm, none at all) while  he was on TRAVEL.  Really?  WTHeck?  Luckily he was to return around 10pm so I would have reinforcements if anyone needed to go home.

Planning away the spawn were happy.  And I found I was too – Eldest Spawn has mentioned more than once she shouldn’t have had a party last year because then Daddy wouldn’t have gotten sick.  We quickly put that to rest…until it resurfaces.  I was so thrilled she was happily planning away and not melancholy as she’s been about her birthday….

Dr. Evil hopped an earlier flight.  I did a happy dance.  Then…..

They all arrived, chaos ensued.

I think I’ve finally grown up a little and released the Evil Control I always thought I should have when multiple spawn are around (when they’re not mine – mine are still screwed because I’m still oh-so-incharge).

We.Had.A.Blast!

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Fire Hazard…..

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The Birds were Angry

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It’s a migraine in a rainbow!

 

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Flowers going through their ‘change’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Evil is currently cooking a truck load of waffles, eggs, and bacon for the crazies here.  I should go help….ummmm…yeah..I should…..

EJ out – to enjoy the giggles of little girls.

 

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