Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: growing up

Ages and Stages

Looking back at old pictures yesterday I came to a startling realization.

These days are short.  The days of kids and noise and mess.  The days of cribs and bottles.  The days of high school football games and middle school dances.


The days my kids are MY KIDS and live with ME.


Everyone always said it, “Enjoy these days.  They’ll be gone before you know it.”  I clearly remember thinking those saying that particular phrase to me were a.) suffering from memory loss b.)remember only parts of having a screaming toddler running away with your shopping cart in Target containing his newborn sister c.) didn’t realize the cost of gas and the loss of my time in running cleats to a kid who forgot them … at an away game  or d.) were just trying to make me feel better and were actually lying through their teeth.


When my spawn were babes I felt like I was always waiting for the next stage.  “Won’t it be so wonderful when they can move a bit to get their own toy if dropped?”  “Won’t it be wonderful when they’re in a twin bed and not a crib?”  “I can’t wait until they can tie their own shoes.”  I did enjoy the cuddles but longed for sleep.  I felt like an addict in withdrawal – I NEEDED SLEEP.  But their little heads….oh did they smell good.

Then the toddler years arrived.  “Crap!  Now they can get into the dishwasher!!”  “Tall enough to reach into the toilet and then…get stuck.  Time for another bath!”   “Man I miss them not caring which shoes I put on their feet!”  “When did they start caring about which shorts I put on them.”  “Won’t it be wonderful when they can use the bathroom themselves?”  I prayed for patience …. and for cloning to be approved and available to the public.

Preschool years hit with a storm.  “I can’t wait for those few hours of peace with only 2 or 3 other children.”  “Wow, I have a preschooler – won’t full day school be easier with less running?”  “I can’t let him go in the men’s restroom alone – when did he start caring about being in a women’s bathroom with me?”   I met other moms and realized we were all going through the same thing and had the same thoughts about people lying to us about it being all awesome!

School arrived.  “Oh wow, they’re riding the bus.  Oh wow, the big yellow bus just ate my kid!”

They gained independence.  And opinions.  All the things I longed for them to have when they were in the needy stage and I felt needed-out.

And……I realized I missed that.  I missed hanging out at the park AGAIN.  I missed getting them popcorn at Target so I could make it through my shopping list.  I missed getting paged at the YMCA mid run because someone needed a diaper change.  I missed being needed.

I’m lucky.  I still have some time.  I have one starting high school. *GASP*  I have one starting middle school.  *GASP*  And the Littles will be in grades 4 and 1.  I have time to remember to enjoy them.   While I’m so happy they’re growing into strong, independent individuals, I’m trying to hold onto those last little straws of them needing me.  And trying to be there for them.  Because one day all too soon, they won’t need me like they do now.

And I’ll miss it.

But I’ll know I did what I could while I had their ear.

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EJ out – to make some breakfast on this first day of summer.


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Rite of Passage

Evil Joy here with a post on changes. That are Rites of Passage.

All I can think of is the Brady Bunch. This one.

Eldest Spawn’s voice is changing.  Eldest Spawn had a mini ‘schmuck•stash.’

Note the ‘had.’  I’ve wanted to shave it off for a couple months.  So much so I asked my favorite doctor about it.

The conversation went something like this…..



Me:  I can’t stand the mini•stash he has.  It is making me crazy.

Doc: Shave it off.  Or have Dr. Evil help him shave it off.

Me: Won’t it come back in thicker?

Doc: No.  That’s an old wife’s tale.  Get rid of that puppy.



That’s all the encouragement i needed.

So a couple of weeks ago I planted the seed.


Me: Hey Bud.  Can we get rid of the fuzz?

Eldest Spawn: Yes.  Please!


*Happy dance*


I brought it up to Dr. Evil a few times.  Nothing was done about said schmuck•stash.

Finally tonight……I took matter into my own Evil Hands.

Told Dr. Evil ….. today.  This is happening today.  They all went snowboarding and once home, showered (absolutely required post snowboarding….the spawn are genetically related to Evil Sweaty Joy).  The bottle of shaving cream and razor made it into the kitchen.  Eldest Spawn came upstairs from his bedroom pod.

After asking Dr. Evil privately if he’d like to have this ‘moment’ with his only son …. to which he laughed and said “Nah…..you’ve shaved my face.  Go for it.”


Me: It is time.  You, me, or Dad?

ES: You.


Alrighty.  Two seconds later schmuck•stash was gone.

So was my little spawn.  *tear*

So Schmuck•stash….I won.  And so did you.

EJ out – to find pictures of Eldest Spawn when he was still a baby.

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