Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: humor (page 2 of 7)

How I got my Spawn Kicked out of …..

Her Girl Scout troop.  Yes….this did happen.  Yes….I’m pissed.  Yes….I’m glad she’s no longer in this troop.  And Yes….I think it’s sort of funny….giggle giggle funny.

So a couple of years ago I found out a troop was forming in our school.  I sort of begged to get Second Eldest Female Spawn into this troop.  Eldest Female Spawn is in a kick-ass troop – super organized and – understanding – of my….let’s say…my inability to meet every deadline or assignment target with her..troop.  Based on my previous (and current) experience with Eldest Female Spawn (EFS) – I was sort of psyched to get Second Eldest Female Spawn (SEFS) involved.

Meeting times weren’t the best for me but as I didn’t have time to give to the group, I didn’t say anything.  I refuse to complain about something I am unable to help with.  If I had time I would be there and ready to help out!  Problem is I have two older spawn and one littler spawn…and a traveling Dr. Evil.  And 2 dogs.  And a partridge in a pear tree.

We made the meetings we could.  We did what we could.  We missed a lot of stuff.

Then Dr. Evil got sick.  One of the awesome moms just took over driving SEFS to and from meetings and took care of stuff.  The girls sold cookies and put one in her name so she could get a patch.  We bridged to Brownies.  She had a great time at Bridging.  I so didn’t fit in with the other moms…..oh well…it’s not about me…it’s for her.

Fast forward.  I sent in the registration form to the National place or whatever vs doing it locally because …we….missed that meeting.  Fall softball took precedence.  A leader thought I hadn’t registered took me off emails.  I told her I had and she confirmed with the higher powers that be and included me once again.

Another email came out.  Then another.  I don’t remember these emails.  I am guilty of not reading my mail often – I get like 100 messages a day.  I sometimes don’t log on.  I sometimes pretend I don’t have email and don’t look at it for days.  Or I look for the ones from the school…and the bank…and that’s it.  (and now for the ones from eviljoyspeaks@gmail.com).  I knew cookie time was approaching.

Then I got the email.  The one that said I was being a mean person if I thought I could not respond to emails or attend meetings and take cookies from another girl who did respond and mess with their goal.  If only I’d taken the time to read the emails.  Blah Blah Blah.


I was informed the people running and Involved in the troop were making it a success.  I should look for another troop for my spawn to be a part of.

I calmly replied….while biting my tongue off.  “I would NEVER expect to take cookies from another child.  I am obviously too busy to be a part of this for my daughter.  Please remove us from all mailing lists and correspondences.”

I received a “thanks for understanding” reply.

Then…I lost it and sent the scathing email I was thinking about sending the first time.   Probably not my best moment…..

I had to tell SEFS she is no longer apart of her troop.  I told in her no uncertain terms it was not her fault, but mine.  I told her we can find a new troop.  I have spoken with EFS (and her leaders) and she said she’d love for SEFS to come to a meeting with her so she feels included.  EFS even suggested – before I said a word – SEFS should come with her to sell cookies so she would be happy.  SEFS was completely fine with all of this.  Which – in and of itself – speaks volumes to me.

Overall, I am happy with the outcome of this situation.  The leadership displayed – kicking a kid out of a freaking Girl Scout troop – is not something I want my daughter to model.  The leader was valid in her points about my lack of participation.  I openly admit that.  I am busy.  I am a mom.  I have to make decisions about which things are more important when I am running our lair on my own.  I am the only one able to drive.  Four Spawn.  Eldest Spawn’s activities have a slightly heavier weight if they are school related as he’s approaching high school in a couple of years.

But really – who gets kicked out of Girl Scouts?  (ummmm…I got kicked out of Blue Birds for setting a mini fire in the garbage can when I was 8 at summer camp with my friend Becky……she was doomed from the start via genetics.)

We Do ! We Do !


Who? Me?

EJ out – to find another troop for SEFS!

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And thanks to Anna Sandler for the idea to write this post.  Twitter @Anna_Sandler.

Rite of Passage

Evil Joy here with a post on changes. That are Rites of Passage.

All I can think of is the Brady Bunch. This one.

Eldest Spawn’s voice is changing.  Eldest Spawn had a mini ‘schmuck•stash.’

Note the ‘had.’  I’ve wanted to shave it off for a couple months.  So much so I asked my favorite doctor about it.

The conversation went something like this…..



Me:  I can’t stand the mini•stash he has.  It is making me crazy.

Doc: Shave it off.  Or have Dr. Evil help him shave it off.

Me: Won’t it come back in thicker?

Doc: No.  That’s an old wife’s tale.  Get rid of that puppy.



That’s all the encouragement i needed.

So a couple of weeks ago I planted the seed.


Me: Hey Bud.  Can we get rid of the fuzz?

Eldest Spawn: Yes.  Please!


*Happy dance*


I brought it up to Dr. Evil a few times.  Nothing was done about said schmuck•stash.

Finally tonight……I took matter into my own Evil Hands.

Told Dr. Evil ….. today.  This is happening today.  They all went snowboarding and once home, showered (absolutely required post snowboarding….the spawn are genetically related to Evil Sweaty Joy).  The bottle of shaving cream and razor made it into the kitchen.  Eldest Spawn came upstairs from his bedroom pod.

After asking Dr. Evil privately if he’d like to have this ‘moment’ with his only son …. to which he laughed and said “Nah…..you’ve shaved my face.  Go for it.”


Me: It is time.  You, me, or Dad?

ES: You.


Alrighty.  Two seconds later schmuck•stash was gone.

So was my little spawn.  *tear*

So Schmuck•stash….I won.  And so did you.

EJ out – to find pictures of Eldest Spawn when he was still a baby.

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Regions….The Naughty Elf

FYI : This post is Not for children.

Today I was fortunate enough to be featured on ElfShaming.com.   Regions sure does ‘get around’ if you know what I mean….


Regions showed up at Regions hospital when Dr. Evil was sick.  He tricked Evil Joy into buying him and bringing him to the hospital.  He had a dirty secret.

Regions had just finished his 7th stay at rehab for nurse nailing and drug abuse.  He is frequent flyer at local hospitals.  He just found a new one so they weren’t wise to his perverted, drug stealing ways.

He escaped the last rehab facility and sneeked into a large store one night – found the duct tape and some scissors and bound up the elf really meant to be in the box.  (We’re still searching for him…local authorities – the renowned Green Army Men – suspect Regions put him with the Halo figurines and they used him for target practice….)  Regions made sure he was the only box upright and undamaged on the shelf – he knocked the others down and dented the corners knowing holiday shoppers are looking for the “perfect” box.

Unbeknownst to Evil Joy, Regions had her pegged.  Evil Joy had been in this store just yesterday staring at the other Elf on The Shelf boxes….even picked up one.  Then put it back down.  Good fortune was shining on Regions.

Evil Joy ran in and purchased Regions.  She had no idea of the Evil in that box.  Regions was drooling with anticipation of the nurses bending over to tend to him and views he was sure to get.  The sponge baths…man, he was really ready for one of those.  And of course….the drugs.  He could only hope he could get his hands on some good ones this time – not the stool softeners like last time.  Not a pretty sight.

Regions was biding his time.  Just waiting for the right moment. 

Then it came.

Dr. Evil left for dialysis.  It was time.  He climbed up, hooked himself up to the leads and waited.  In walked the nurse.


Shit.  In walked the MALE nurse.  With bath supplies.  Regions was in for a new experience. 

He was never so happy for Dr. Evil to be discharged on Christmas day.  Home to the lair of Evil Joy, Dr. Evil and their crazy spawn.  He thought possibly he’d found peace at last.

Until the dog got ahold of him and starting humping away.

He couldn’t get packed away soon enough.

Regions the Elf is currently in hiding in one of 15 twenty gallon plastic totes.  The authorities are looking for him in connection with a theft of a large quantity of non-skid hospital socks – and the before mentioned suspected Elf Homicide.  If you have any information, please contact Evil Joy directly.  Thank you.

Evil Internal Clock….


Evil Joy here with a post on time changes.  One of many out there I’m sure…but this one – it’s mine and of course it’s the Evil Best.

So…we finally get to sleep in an hour.  Oh yeah…I have spawn.  And a puppy.  And a dog with a freaky sense of time.  Sleeping in?  I think you must have said something in Romulan….I don’t speak Romulan.










5am (old time) – me EVIL WIDE AWAKE.  WTHeck?!?!  Especially when now I know I’ve not yet changed my clock and it’s actually Super Evil 4 am.

Force myself to roll over and go to sleep.  Which triggers Dr. Evil to get up and use the bathroom.  Which triggers my brain to turn on because during the week that is my signal to get up and make sure Eldest Spawn is awake and prepping for school so he doesn’t miss the Evil Early Bus.  (Which is actually 3 minutes earlier now…not sure why 3 minutes and not sure why earlier but it is….)

Fine – get up and take Burton Puppy outside…he tries to come back in without doing anything – ummmm – get your doggie butt out there and do your bizzness.  Now.  I’m cold.  And Shadow Dog is patiently waiting for her breakfast…but sitting directly on my feet and herding me until I head to the room where her feeding occurs

And of course, on Evil Cue, Littlest Spawn yells, “CAN I COME DOWN YET?!?!”  while I’m outside so I don’t hear her the first FIVE times she screeches it.  Down comes Littlest Spawn.  Eldest Female Spawn is next.  Followed immediately by Second Eldest Female Spawn.

And since I’m up I figure might as well do the laundry – the Evil Self Replicating Laundry….and unload the Evil Dishwasher That Never Seems to Get Emptied Unless Evil Joy or Dr. Evil Do It.

Down comes Dr. Evil.  “Let’s go to Perkins.”

I knew there was a reason I loved this man.


EJ out – to wake up Eldest Spawn – who quite frankly I’m not sure is sleeping since he used his own money to buy a new computer game yesterday and since we moved the computer downstairs I fear he’s becoming a pod person.  Maybe the scary Evil Alien Babies have abducted him…..


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(graphic source :http://yourtips-info.blogspot.com/2012/08/how-to-stop-watching-clock.html)

11 Months…

So….11 months ago today – Dr. Evil felt like crap.  Really really bad.  Like really bad – enough so I even made him food and took it up to him.  I had to go clean a house.  Eldest Spawn called me and said, “Daddy is really really cold!”  Me…being me…thought – “oh crap – paws up?” somewhat tongue in cheek.  Little did I know of the storm coming….

Fast forward to Today.  11 months later.

We RAN 12 Miles.  On the Gateway Trail.


Let me tell you how awesome it is.  It’s amazing.  It’s a miracle.  It’s a blessing.  It’s unbelievable (but let me tell you – we did in fact run 12 miles – my legs will argue if you try to disagree – and my fist may punch you…).  It’s exceptional.  It’s beyond belief.

This is what perfection looks like to me on this wonderful day….

20 October 2012


And he totally kicked my arse too – butthead.


EJ out – to hobble around and do some laundry.


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Evil Decorations….

Evil Joy here with a post on decorations.  Evvvviiillll Decorations.  And not just because they’re Halloween decorations.

So I was being sort of lazy today and Dr. Evil suggested loud enough for the spawn to hear that I get out the Halloween decorations.  So…downstairs to the utility room we went.  Now I’m a little anal and have all the holiday decorations in totes – labeled for each holiday – well Christmas has 12+ totes, Halloween has 2 totes…heck even St. Pats has its own tote.

I got a little panicky. I haven’t decorated since Christmas last year.  And in the middle of day 1 of decorating, Dr. Evil got sick (you can read about the mess there…)  And I left everything all over the Evil Freaking Place.

But….in normal Joy/Evil Joy style, I pushed through.  The piles of crap in my way that is. And we got out the two totes plus the Evil Crap that didn’t fit into the totes last year.

Spawn were super excited to find the costumes I bought last year…remember I’m Evil Cheapskate #1?!  Yup – they fit.  Sweeeeet.  Eldest Female Spawn decided to try them all on – even ones not belonging to her.  And then some of the dress up clothes too…..








Then Dr. Evil found this from last year…

And was inspired to create this…

in the stairway leading downstairs.

Even Burton Puppy and Shadow were humiliated got in on the fun.

So…the Evil Decorations are out.  I’m back on track as crazy lady who decorates for everything.


EJ out – to clean up the mess from the Burton Puppy attacking the Halloween garland.

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Mush Shadow, Mush!

Evil Joy here with a post on running and dogs pulling me the wrong way.

So with all this talk about running, I figured I should continue to run.  10 miles on Friday.  Nothing Saturday or Sunday.  Today – it was time.  Laced up the shoes, found the sun glasses – too Evil Windy for my favorite hat, and grabbed the leash.  Shadow – our black lab/border collie mutt – was so excited – she jumped up high and then immediately plopped her tooshie down – patiently waiting for her leash.

We live in what I call a community in the country. Big lots, no wind block (old farm land), pretty flat.  Down the hill into the original section – trees, huge hills, different climate.

We start out at a decent pace.  She’s pulling me and I keep yanking her back.  Normally she’s really good about staying with me – but she ate – yes ate – her gentle leader so we’re just using the leash.

At the top of what I call Evil HeartAttach Hill.  It’s steep – it’s long – it curves.  We start heading down (this route is a loop so we will have to come back up……..) and she decides to stop dead in her tracks and gives me an Evil Yank.

Really?!  Come on!  We’re going downhill – let me enjoy this!  Plus we’re getting out of the wind since we’re headed down into ‘the valley.’

Finally get her going.  At the bottom of this hill – there’s a giant hill to go up.  I decided, using all my Evil Will Power, I was running up the ENTIRE thing.  I nearly made it until…

*&(%(*(& Dog put on her brakes and attempted to go back down the hill.  WTHeck!?  Come on!  And I was about 20 feet from the top of the hill.  AAAUUUGGGHHHH!

So we round a corner, then another and start down the last downhill section.  She does it again.  This time I get mad.  Evil Mad.  I yanked the leash and we kept on going.  Then she shot off after something.  I nearly landed on my face.  Seriously.  This is only 3 miles.  Why Shadow?  Why are you making this run about arm strength and not running?  Come on – I’m being a responsible owner and getting you your daily exercise.

One last major hill.  Back up Evil HeartAttack Hill.  She decided to walk with me on this one.  Until my timer on my watch went off.  Again, shot back DOWN (ie the opposite way!) the hill like she was going out of a cannon.  Really….?

I decided to alter the route home since I was feeling all grumpy about the run.  I wanted to end on a good note so we went just a touch further and ran along Evil Hwy N.  Nearly home.  Just have to cross the Hwy.  She decided to cross the road.  And pull me with her.  In front of a car.  Actually it was a truck.

Thank God for my Evil Quick Wit and Evil Strong Arms.  Saved us both from getting smooshed like grapes.

Tomorrow…I’m running without her.  Evil Butthead Dog.  She only gets a walk tomorrow – by the spawn – it’s one of their chores.

Relaxing from yanking me along….

EJ out – to put my arms back in their sockets.

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Dreams….what do they reveal

Okay if my dreams are suppose to reveal something it must be that I’m Evil Messed Up.

Same one for four days.  Vivid.  Seems very important at the time.  Wake up remembering everything.  And feeling tired.  So very tired.

There’s this frog or toad.  It’s 12 to 14 inches across its body at its widest point.  About as long.  But it has these realllllly scrawny legs.  And this ballooned torso.  And for some reason it able to jump from behind my refrigerator, through the cabinets, into the stove, and back into more cabinets.  The Evil Kitchen has been Willy Wanka’ed in my dreams – it’s not laid out as it is in real life and makes no sense in how it’s arranged.  The Spawn are trying to catch it.  I’m not bothered so much by frogs and toads, but Eldest Female Spawn – she LOVES them.  A lot.

The Spawn moved the stove out of the wall.  Manage to rip the gas line out.  (We have an electric stove in real life…)  I’m all worried about the house blowing up.  And this giant frog getting cooked.  In My Oven.  Yuck.  And the frog is continuing to hop back and forth through the kitchen.

Eldest Female Spawn catches it – and it turns her into an Evil Adult.  Me.  And I freak out.  Then pass out.  And….

Wake up.

Yeah…may be time to seek therapy.

Any weird dreams going on for anyone else out there?  Share – I promise to respond.  And maybe even be snarky.  Bawhahahahaha.

EJ out – to mop my floor.  So someone can spill milk on it tonight.  Guaranteed.

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Nakey Butt…..

Another blast from the past…..


So we move to Hudson.  Dr. Evil goes on travel to China.  A lot.  I get pregnant AGAIN.  (Just got over the miscarriage – and this one shows up – swear to my death she’s my immaculate conception…)  Eldest Spawn is 4 and attending preschool.  Eldest Female Spawn is 2 and sooo a handful.  She does not like clothing.  On her body.



I make her wear unders because quite frankly, I don’t want nakey butt on my furniture, carpet, car, bike seat, swing…anywhere.  Gross.

Winter approaches.  We’ve been following the advice of the pediatrician who said, “As long as she’s not going to be injured, ie frost bite, let her figure it out.  She’ll get cold enough one day and wear clothing.”  Dr. Evil and I hadn’t even introduced the idea of winter coats…it’s Wisconsin for crying out loud – colder than snot too.

Day in and day out she wears this one princess nightgown given to her by my brother (you know it’s my sister-in-law who got it….).   I literally would take it off of her when she was asleep and wash it, dry it and lay it next to her in the morning.


Uncle Goofball teaching Eldest Female Spawn his special face moves….

And before you say it – you have to understand – this is the same spawn who could make herself puke when she didn’t want to be somewhere…and did so often.  Very often.  Probably twice in every restaurant in Hudson.  Maybe more in some.  To the point of needing to have 3 root canals, 5 crowns, and 2 huge fillings just after turning 4.

We tried being forceful.  We tried time outs, taking away toys and playdates, even tried spanking.

Nothing worked.  She was always taking her clothing off.

So….we drop Eldest Spawn off at preschool.  It’s cold.  Very cold.  Cold enough even I had on a winter coat, not my normal shorts and sweatshirt since I was on my way to the Y.  We walk in.  Eldest Female Spawn is in her beloved Evil Princess Nightgown, flip flops, and a pony tail.  That’s it.

A very kind lady took me aside.  She told about their clothing program and asked if I would like to choose a coat for my daughter since she didn’t have one.  And anything else we were in need of.


I had to explain we were good.  She continued and assured me there was no shame in taking some help – especially for my spawn.  (and there soooo isn’t – if you need help – get it – especially for your children)

I finally showed her some pictures on my phone.  My friend Evil Seattle Seeking Gina stepped in and helped me explain the Evil Stubbornness present in this child.  She said she’d pray for us.  Very kind lady left us to the normal drop off talk among mothers and dads, grandmas and grandpas.   I’m pretty sure Eldest Female Spawn took off the nightgown at least three times and went streaking down the hallway.

Yeah….the kind lady got it.  She saw Eldest Female Spawn streaking by.  Multiple times.  I’m pretty sure she prayed for us each time.

I eventually did get her in a coat……

No worries though – Eldest Female Spawn is all about wearing clothing now.  Multiple layers.  Multiple outfits a day.  Making multiple loads of laundry.

What was I so upset about with the nakey stuff?  Less laundry is good, right?

EJ out – to go fold … yup ..  you guessed it … laundry.

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Catch For A Cure…

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to return to a slow pitch tournament I played in last year – was a little worried because as I’ve mentioned before…I sort of suck at ball.  (But to toot my own horn – I did waaaayyyy better this year than last!!!)

Catch For A Cure in Baraboo, Wisconsin.


Dr. Evil, being the Wonderful Evil Genius he is, towed the RV, we packed in the Spawn and had an amazing time.  Lots of fun ball – fun batting – fun drinking – fun jello shots (thinking that doesn’t fall under drinking since you have to sort of eat them…at least slurp them up).  But it rocked because….

the money raised supports women in the fight for the lives from breast cancer.  Supports the survivors.  Supports the research for a cure.

And supports all other cancers as well – I can’t even list all the types of cancer shown there  – childhood – leukemia – the list was incredible.

Women shared their stories.  Their lives with us.

Now…most all of these women and men grew up in the area together.  Some have moved away, others stayed.  Being allowed to be part of this was the coolest thing.  I’m a stranger to these women yet they welcomed me back with open arms.  Amazing.  I have never felt so included in a group in my life.

And a bonus – it was Amy’s friends and we talked Deb into coming….  And I have a feeling we’ll all be back next Labor Day to once again Catch For a Cure.

And besides – where else can you wear shirts saying things like :

  • For Tits and Giggles
  • Big or Small, Save them ALL
  • Boo-Bees
  • Wanna Squeeze My Rack?
  • A Smoosh a Day Keeps the Doctor at Bay

….and not get smacked by everyone who sees you!  It was awesome!  Next year will we take part in all activities as I’m envisioning a spawn-free, adults only, hotel staying weekend.  (Just putting it out there Dr. Evil – something to consider……start racking up those hotel points…..)

EJ out – to write another post – it is the first day of school after all.

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