Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: ICU (page 1 of 3)

today….

Dr. Evil was created by a stupid virus.  I can’t take it back.  I can’t wish it away.

I want to travel back and somehow prevent Dr. Evil from getting sick. But since I can’t time travel I’m trying to move forward instead of looking back.  That doesn’t mean I don’t look back.  That past events don’t creep into my present.  Or affect my attitudes and moods.

If you’re new here….the quick and dirty version is one day three years Dr. Evil didn’t feel well.  The next day he was on life support.  In an induced coma.  For 10 days.  A septic staph infection led to kidney, heart, and liver failure.  Staph pneumonia.  Rhabdomyolysis.  And all the fun things that go along with all of that.  He got better when many thought he wouldn’t.  Even had a doctor tell me she expected to attend a funeral not hear about recovery.  Dr. Evil learned to walk again and went home about 5 weeks later.  He spent the next few months recuperating and I spent the next few months in crisis mode.

When Dr. Evil returned to work and returned to normal, I fell into a million pieces.  I didn’t know how to function since crisis mode was no longer necessary.  I started seeing a therapist.  And have been in therapy ever since.

So today is the day it all started.  An anniversary if you will.

And I’m not sure how I feel.

One minute I look and realize how amazing my life is right now.  Dr. Evil is healthy and happy.  He is completely recovered and has ZERO issues from all that happened to him.  Our children are great.  I have met amazing people.  I’ve started this blog and made my way into not one but two books.  I have learned to speak my mind and stand up for myself in ways I never could before.  My family has snowboarding because of all of this.  We will always have that together.  I have amazing friends that have become family.

The next minute I panic.  Dr. Evil has a cold right now.  Doesn’t he know he IS NEVER AGAIN ALLOWED TO BE SICK IN ANY WAY OR FASHION????  He’s away on travel.  I can’t be there to control anything.  What if…what if…what if.

The next minutes I’m pissed.  WHY DID HE GET SICK!?!  WHY AM I STILL SO SCREWED UP ABOUT IT?!?!?!  Why isn’t he screwed up about it at all?

The next minute I’m nervous.  I know there are people who judge me about my reactions to this whole thing and even more so for being ‘public’ about it.  People I don’t even know in real life!

Then I’m thankful.  I’m thankful we have a second chance at…everything.

Then I’m happy.  Life is good.

Did I mention this all can happen in the matter of a few minutes?  Multiple times a day?

And there are days I don’t even think about any of it anymore.

Then…there’s today.

D-Day in my mind.

I can’t take it back.  I can’t change the past.  I’m so thankful it’s a distant memory for Dr. Evil.  It’s becoming less of a nightmare for me. That sounds dramatic.

There are days I’m dramatic about the whole thing.  There are days I refuse to talk about any of it.  There are days I don’t shut up about it…even when it’s more than obvious that I should.  Many times I’m passive aggressive and super snarky.  I know Dr. Evil wasn’t ‘there’ for the worst of it and I was.  We did not have the same experience during the same situation.

Not. Even. Close.

I’m not very understanding many times.  For a long time he didn’t talk about it at all.  Now and again he mentions it.  I don’t always know what to do or say and usually end up in defensive mode.  I want him to talk about it but then when he does I’m not ‘there’ for him.  When I talk about it I feel like I’m annoying him or don’t get the validating I’m seeking about my role the past few years.  It’s a weird dance to navigate.

HIs illness and recovery is a part of my reality.  But just a part.  Not the whole.

And not the most prominent part.  Not even close.

But for today…and the next few days….it is.

I’m can’t help it.  I’m done apologizing for it.  Thanksgiving is hard for me.  That seems counterintuitive.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have a miracle in my life.  I know this.  I embrace this.  But just a few years ago I spent Thanksgiving Day eating a dinner prepared by friends and family in an ICU meeting room wondering if Dr. Evil was going to live or die.  I refused to think or even entertain the possibility of him not making it.  But it was a very real possibility.

Today is a day.  Just another day.  And one day…this anniversary will be just another day.  But I kind of hope not.  I hope it changes into a day I only rejoice in.

That day will come.  I am hopeful.  I’m working towards my happy.

I will find it.

Fear No More

As I sit surrounded by the sounds of laughter and heart warming chatter of a quaint coffee shop I can write about a fear. A fear I don’t have to face anymore.

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I used to be afraid of thinking about what my life would be if something happened to my husband or children.

I’ve faced that fear. Not by choice. And you know what? I came out the other side.

Almost three years ago Dr. Evil got sick. Really sick. Life support sick. Almost died sick.

It sucked. I don’t have words to describe the experience although I’ve tried. Many times.

Life threw us a curve ball most fear and no one expects.

But we came out the other side. Wiser. Thankful. More aware of mortality. Less focused on the silly things. Point is ….. we came out the other side.

I’ve made some absolutely amazing friends. I’ve folded many people into my “family.” Family is thicker than simply blood. And I’ve grown as a person. I strive to be better.

I no longer worry incessantly about the wellbeing of my children. Instead I work at being a better parent. A better partner. A better person. To be more. While learning to just ….. be. Those statements may seem in direct conflict with each other. But one thing overcoming my fear taught me was I must focus some on myself in order to be more. To be a better wife and parent.

As fall approaches I am nervous. I think I may always be but only time will tell. November and December are tough months for me.

But they are also months filled with miracles. Dr. Evil got sick BUT HE ALSO GOT BETTER during these months too. (And many of the following months too!)

It’s taken me a few years to deal with my fear. I do still worry. What parent or spouse doesn’t? But fear no longer dictates my every thought, every breath.

I just try to live for today and make the most of it.

EJ out – to love this Friday with snow forecasted!!! SNOWBOARDING SOON!!! 🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂🏂

Thanks to Small Talk Mama for this awesome subject. I only did one fear but it was a doozie so I hope that’s okay!!!!

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 14 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My subject is “What are some fears from your past that no longer frighten you?”. It was submitted by http://www.smalltalkmama.com Small Talk Mama .

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado
http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools
http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com The Bergham’s Life Chronicles
http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks
http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://www.silenceofthemom.blogspot.com Silence of the Mom
http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com Climaxed
http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ Sparkly Poetic Weirdo
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com Crumpets and Bollocks
http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom
http://www.smalltalkmama.com Small Talk Mama

TToT!!!!

It’s time. Time for #TToT. Aka Ten Things of Thankful by the awesome Lizzie!!!

So here goes!!!

1. Thankful for Lizzie. ‘Nuf said.

2. Super happy I got to go see my grandma. She’s 94 and amazing.

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3. Very thankful she understood she’ll be staying with my aunt and uncle from now on.

4. Thankful I can be grumpy with Dr. Evil about going on travel.

5. I’m extra thankful for the time spent with my mom and dad this weekend!

6. And this little guy!

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7. Thankful for safe travels to and from Iowa!

8. And for Dr. Evil’s willing participation in such silliness as….

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9. For tree trimming and farting Santas.

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10. Thankful I can write this….

Let me tell you a tale. Once upon a time there was a young woman named Evil Joy. She stood by her Dr. Evil day and night for 10 long days while he fought against a staph infection. One that caused him to experience kidney, liver, and heart failure. Staph pneumonia. Rhabdomyolysis. And because of all of that he was placed in a coma to let his body heal. That meant a ventilator. Continuous dialysis. Tubes and IV. Everywhere.

Until 2 years ago today. Two years ago today he woke up. This is where the story gets good.

You see, Dr. Evil is an engineer. A techno gadget geek. MY techno gadget geek. A very bright individual. So smart it’s actually a little scary and/or intimidating even after 20+ years together.

Now when one has been in a coma for 10 days one’s muscles forget how to work. Legs and arms don’t move as they should.

This didn’t stop Dr. Evil from seeing the info board from his hospital bed. From seeing the date. 01 December 2011.

The day he qualified for a new phone.

THE new 4S iPhone from Apple.

“Give me the iPad!” he exclaims.

“What do you need?!?” I questioned back alarmed. “Your arms are not .. ummm. Not working quite right yet.”

“Just give it to me!”

“Tell me what you want and I’ll take care of it!” I said getting annoyed and then feeling guilt as he’s been awake for about 2 seconds.

“I qualify for my new phone. I want to order it now!”

Oh!!! I can deal with that!!! And here we were worried about his brain.

It’s all good. My techno gadget geek is as geeky as ever!

Can you believe Apple didn’t pick this up for a commercial?!?!? In a coma one minute. Demanding to order newest Apple product the next?!?!?

Their loss man. Their loss.

But I’m open to selling it now…..hint hint #apple #iphone #storyforsale

EJ out – waiting to hear from Apple. Shameless pleading is awesome right?!?

Early Riser, Night Owl

Sunrise, Sunset

Sunrise Sunset….

I wish I slept like a normal person.  I will go days where I sleep no more than 2 hours a night.  Followed by days where I can’t stay awake past 8 pm and will sleep until 8 am…if the spawn shut the hell up and Dr. Evil doesn’t fluff the bedspread eight times…then follow it up with rearranging his pillows 84,000 times during his nighttime ‘get-comfortable’ ritual….which can occur anywhere from 9:30pm to 1am depending on what he’s got going on.

Then there’s the fun ones – the ones where I fall asleep too early – like 9pm – and am wide awake from 1am to 5am.  I get a lot of books read during this time.  I can’t do laundry during the night as the machines are over Eldest Spawn’s room and like me, he’s a light sleeper.  I can’t clean the kitchen because the dogs hear the water and come running like there’s a rabbit to chase….in turn waking up various spawn…who wake up other spawn…who still don’t get Dr. Evil to wake up…pissing me off even more (usually annoyed I can’t sleep but can’t get anything done to make the next day easier since I know I’m going to be tired)…making it harder yet to sleep.  Yeah…I get a lot of books read between 1am and 5am.  I try to stay off the computer because that’s a guaranteed no-more-sleep night….once I’m on….I’m sucked in.

I’ve given up caffeine.  I’ve tried melatonin.  I have a prescription to help – hate it.  I’ve tried Tylenol pm.  I’ve tried a beer.  I’ve tried wine.  I’ve tried abstaining from all of these things.  I’ve tried working out at night.  I’ve tried working out in the mornings.  I’ve tried complete darkness.  I’ve tried having a radio on.

Problem is – when I’m tired, I’ve overly emotional.  In the middle of the night…..when I don’t sleep I think about what could have happened.  I think about what did happen.  I find myself back in time – worrying about what was going to happen.  I occasionally fall asleep only to wake up in a cold sweat worried about the sounds the monitors are making in Dr. Evil’s hospital room.  Which one is it?  His heart monitor – dialysis machine?  The ventilator?  What is the sound?!?!  Oh yeah – it’s my watch alarm going off because it’s 5:45am.  I’m on the couch in my living room with a dog looking at me like I’m as crazy as I feel.

When this happens multiple nights in a row, I find a reason to NOT sleep.  I don’t want to dream about that.  

….Down comes a rested Dr. Evil followed by three spawn wandering down in random states of alertness.  Eldest Spawn meanders up from the basement.  And I seek my coffee.  STAT.  Or if my mood is really off – bring on the Diet Dew – or whatever brand of poison I have in the fridge.

Then…the migraines arrive.  Yay oh yah – happy day.  Because then….I have to go to bed.  I have to take some medicine.  I sleep usually about 12 hours after downing about a gallon of water.  And I just sleep.  Usually deep, deep sleep where I don’t remember my dreams upon waking.  Yeah – the migraine hangover headaches suck.  But at least I got some sleep and we can reset the clock again.

Theme Thursday’s theme : Early Birds, Night Owls…….  I went a little off the cliff with this one – I didn’t mean to – just sort of happened.

 

Go check out the other Theme Thursday awesomeness.  Jen at Something Clever 2.0  – along with The Next Step, The Insomniac’s Dream, and Mom With Her Running Shoes On host Theme Thursday every week.  They’re amazing and if you’re not following them – what’s WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?  Just kidding – but going follow them!!

More than Chaffing…

It’s been 1 year, 5 months and 23 days since Dr. Evil got sick. He’s all better and recovered. From kidney, heart, and liver failure, staph pneumonia, and rhabdomyolysis. From 10 days on life support.

From almost dying.

He’s all better.

Why am I still a mess? And why today of all days did I lose it this morning and break down in a sobbing mess of myself?

Because we run. We ran 17 miles on Sunday. That’s right…17 MILES.  Together.  Now stick with me on this next part.

Let’s just say I’m well endowed in the chest department so I have the über bitch of sports bras. But no matter how supportive of a bra I wear or how much Glide I use I have serious chaffing issues.  Yesterday’s case of chaffing was a new level of pain. I showered and sounded like a wounded dog when the water hit the injured skin. Dr. Evil put some Neosporin on my back where the clasp had created a 2 inch by 2 inch raw spot on each side of my spine. The other spots on the front I dealt with….

Then — last night before bed I had a bright idea. I’m going to get the wound care stuff from when Dr. Evil was sick and I had to tend his feet and head. I’ll use that stuff. Last night it was okay – we were joking about it. He said, “I know a good wound nurse!”

This morning I had to do some additional care on the spots. I got out more of the stuff. And that’s when I lost it. This bin of stuff in my closet. And this wasn’t even the beginning of all the supplies required to care for his feet and head when he got out of the hospital. Not even close.

And I started bawling.

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His comment hit me hard. “I know a good wound nurse.” Who the hell knows a good wound nurse? Who has these supplies at hand? What woman with a background in applied mathematics and large weapon systems knows how to care for pressure wounds and digits affected by vasopressors (blood pressure meds used to keep him alive during the worst of his illness)?

Who has pictures of their spouse in a coma and intubated?

I do. And daily I function and most of the time — get by just fine. I have stopped panicking (for the most part) when ambulances go by. I can drive the stretch of the interstate where the hospital is located and not feel like I’m going to puke.  Things are better.  I am back to myself for the most part – there are so things that will always be different for me – like when he gets a cold – I get nervous.  Accept it – I have.  It’s so much easier to deal with when you accept those things you can’t change.

But you know what’s really cool?

The supplies used to heal Dr. Evil are working for me as we RUN together. All things have a purpose – I may not know what that purpose is – but today it is to bring me smiles as I realize just how fast and far we’ve come since November of 2011.

I have Dr. Evil’s permission to put these photos up…otherwise it would NOT be happening.  The photos are pretty gruesome – I’m not kidding here – so if you are weak in the stomach – you may want to skip this part.

 

Close your eyes and scroll down a ways….

 

Awake - out of a coma - in the hospital - lucky it doesn't hurt - nerves still 'sleeping'

Awake – out of a coma – in the hospital – lucky it doesn’t hurt – nerves still ‘sleeping’

After meeting with wound nurse in hospital - now home - seeing wound nurse again in a week.  Much improved.

After meeting with wound nurse in hospital – now home after 5 WEEKS! – seeing wound nurse again in a week. Much improved. Nerves still sleeping. THANK GOD – I have to rip off dead skin and it would KILL me if it hurt him. Everyday it takes about 45 minutes or more to care for his feet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you can come back now if you scrolled through that part.

 

Life is good.  It’s great actually.  Days are back to normal – poor Dr. Evil – I get mad at him again and actually let him have it.  No more Mrs. Nice Evil Joy.  Screw that – I’m just Evil Joy!  I get to put all those supplies away and not use them unless I WANT to.  No longer do I spend every evening caring for his injured feet.  No way – he can do that now – but it’s NOT needed!!!   Although I will say I have a vested interest in his feet – if he doesn’t care for them – I get sort of annoyed that he’s not tending to his precious piggies after all that work I did….

Each day is a new day.  When Dr. Evil was sick – I was so glad he couldn’t feel his toes.  Now…it’s pretty awesome he can feel his toes and those toes are helping ME run a marathon.  He could totally kick my arse and run much faster, but he’s staying with me and running my pace.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with me saying, “If you leave me on the marathon course, I’m taking the car keys and driving home ALONE and changing the locks.  It’s a long walk home from Duluth.  Just sayin.”

Go live today.  It’s a gift.

 

EJ out – to live another day!

 

Please click on the juggling lady up there in the corner.  You’ll cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  Fighting to stay in the Top 25.  Thanks!!!!

A little outside the norm….

As a woman, I am strong and proud.  I am loud.  I am good at many things.  I am pretty.

At least this is what I hear from people who observe me.

As a woman, I feel weak, scared, unsure, and unattractive.

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When the shit hits the fan, I’m your girl.  I will do what has to be done.  I will accomplish feats not intended for humans, let alone a married mother of 4.  When the storm finally calms, I’m not anyone’s girl.  I don’t even want to be my own.  I fall apart.  I break down.  I doubt everything decision I made in the middle of the storm.  I over-think the things I did and said…and even thought.   My inability to find peace in past situations is extreme.  I rehash everything looking for fault so I can justify beating myself up mentally.  I twist and turn things to place blame on myself.

Perspective is a very strange beast.  Yes, beast.

When Dr. Evil was in a coma, I sat by his side.  I mean all the time.  I didn’t leave the hospital floor for 11 days.  When I finally did leave the floor I got a little more bold and went outside for a walk.  I started to find my current normal and was able to walk and get a glass of water and not fear he would be dead when I returned.  And if his counts changed while I was gone, I finally figured out it wasn’t my fault.  It wasn’t for lack of prayers.  It wasn’t for lack of support on my part.  It wasn’t …. anyone or anything’s fault.  It . Just . Was .

In all the time I was sitting I was afraid to read too much on-line.  Everything I read was devastating.  Everything I read was scary.  Everything I read….was awful.  So I stopped.  I started reading The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva religiously.  I even emailed her and she responded.   I started writing on Facebook to keep everyone informed – or so I told myself.  It was more because I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  I didn’t want to ‘retell’ the ‘story’ anymore.  This was my reality and people bothering me were screwing it up even more.

Then Evil Joy was hatched.  It was sort of ridiculous.  It was absolutely ridiculous – who makes fun of people when they’re in a come?  I’ll tell you who…

People who love them who are trying to survive.

I imagined him waking up and being extremely grateful to be alive and gushy with me.  Okay folks – when has Dr. Evil been gushy?  Ever?  I imagined him waking up and us having this amazing take on things – this second chance not to be wasted.  I imagined all sorts of things.  Except what happened.

He woke up.  He was confused.  He thought it was November 17th.  We didn’t even come to the hospital until November 20th.  And it was actually December 1st.

He couldn’t move his arms or legs.  I didn’t even think of these things.  I was just hoping his brain didn’t suffer from the infection the way his body was.  I was just glad he was awake.

He was fine. He learned to use his arms again, legs again, and returned to his almost normal self.  In amazing speed.  We initially were hoping to be home by Valentine’s Day.  Dr. Evil was released on Christmas Day.

Dr. Evil has never been a man of many words.  He said even fewer.  And he was grumpy.  And tired.  And working so hard.  He was affectionate with the spawn.  He was patient with other people.  He was polite sometimes.

I was trying to be happy and thankful and just glad he was alive.  He could be grumpy with me and not say thank you for anything and assume I knew these things.  Yeah…I’ve gotten over being a doormat through this experience.  Dr. Evil never thought of me as a doormat – I did.  He thought I understood he was appreciative.

Sorry dude.  I’m a girl who needs to hear things.  I need to hear that I look nice and I’m doing a good job with the spawn.  I need to hear I’m appreciated.  And not just in regards to being sick.  In life.  I need to hear these things on a regular basis.  Even after 16 years of marriage, 4 spawn, 2 houses, 4 dogs, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Some people are very sure of themselves and need no outside reassurance or praise.

I. Am. Not. One. Of. Those. People.

I’ve stopped wishing I was one of those people.  I’ve accepted I am who I am.  And it’s okay.  Except when it’s not.

…..

Evil Joy will return with the normal Evil Joy posts later today.  I felt like writing what I wanted to write and not trying to write something someone might want to read.   SO…. if this wasn’t your cup of tea – add some lemons and come back later.

Really Dr. Evil…Really…..?

Evil Joy here with a post on Dr. Evil and his attempt to give me a coronary.

So if you’re reading this post, hopefully you’ve read about why I’m here.  Why Evil Joy exists.  And Dr. Evil.  And our spawn.

If you don’t know, go check it out.

So in November of this year, Dr. Evil got a cold.  Seriously?  Do you know the Evil Anxiety that exists in my world every time that man sniffles, sneezes, or looks slightly like he may do one of those two thing?  Let’s just say there’s medication and therapy involved.  For me.  Not him.  He’s all good.  I’m not.  Not yet.  I will be one day.

So on Monday he had his anniversary checkup – blood work – and doctor visit.  He was all good but for this cold.  So his WBC was slightly elevated.  Due his now high risk status, flu and pneumonia shots were recommended and administered.

By Monday night, he was not feeling well.  Tuesday…miserable.  Chills, fever, sore arm, yucky all around.  Wednesday he left work early due to feeling ill.

OMWord.  The only other time he’s done that was last year.  When he almost died.  And according to several doctors, he should have died based on how sick he was.  (They can’t believe he’s still here kicking and back to his normal self.)

I texted our doctor (she’s cool like that) and she said for him to go straight to the clinic.  Now.  Get tested for influenza.  And hope that’s what it is.

Who hopes for influenza?

I do, I do!

 

No luck.  She said to make sure whoever he saw did a COMPLETE and FULL blood workup if he didn’t have influenza.

His WBC jumped to 22000.

 

My heart stopped.  She called to talk me off the ledge.  I was panicking, freaking out, ready to puke, and having a meltdown all inside of my head while remaining mostly calm on the outside for my spawn.  They all went on alert when Daddy came home and sat on the couch with Gatorade and didn’t move.  I don’t think he realizes how this all affected them too…..

So in we went on Thursday.  He didn’t feel any better…but not any worse either.  She drew on him to mark the hot spots.

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We went home.  He felt better enough to be a jerk and make me mad.  I felt better.  Sort of.  At least I didn’t revert to the “You can do anything you want, say anything you want, and be a jerk – it’s all good just because you’re ALIVE.”  I lived in that place for a long, long time.  I have left that island.  Will not return.  (Tough luck Dr. Evil.)

Littlest Spawn and I stayed out of the house so he could have quiet.  Dr. Evil planted on the couch with his work computer and was very productive.  He started to really feel better and went up to bed.  And continued working.  So he really did feel better.

Today dawned.  Appointment with the doctor again.  All signs point to a infection/reaction to the shots….and him being on the recovery side of things.  No more 102 degree fever.  No more chills and sweats.  No more feeling just yucky.  We have a new drawing on his arm – well – additional drawing –  but he’s AT WORK LATE because HE’S A DORK so I can’t take a picture right now.  I don’t mind him working late.  That’s totally not the EVIL ISSUE.  But for him to be sick enough to leave work and go through all this the past few days……only to go back after lunch today and plan on staying late tonight….it seems STUPID.  Incredibly smart man – freaking, scary smart man….ummm…no COMMON SENSE.

Okay…enough of my ranting.  To put it in perspective for myself…..

Last year…..I can’t do it – I was going to put a picture of him on life support on here.  I can’t do it.  I can’t.

This year…no life support pictures to make me cry.

EJ out – to pack for Iowa.  And stop worrying.  And work on staying calm while being extremely pissed off.

Help a grumpy girl out – click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right to cast a vote for me at TMB.

 

Regions….The Naughty Elf

FYI : This post is Not for children.

Today I was fortunate enough to be featured on ElfShaming.com.   Regions sure does ‘get around’ if you know what I mean….

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Regions showed up at Regions hospital when Dr. Evil was sick.  He tricked Evil Joy into buying him and bringing him to the hospital.  He had a dirty secret.

Regions had just finished his 7th stay at rehab for nurse nailing and drug abuse.  He is frequent flyer at local hospitals.  He just found a new one so they weren’t wise to his perverted, drug stealing ways.

He escaped the last rehab facility and sneeked into a large store one night – found the duct tape and some scissors and bound up the elf really meant to be in the box.  (We’re still searching for him…local authorities – the renowned Green Army Men – suspect Regions put him with the Halo figurines and they used him for target practice….)  Regions made sure he was the only box upright and undamaged on the shelf – he knocked the others down and dented the corners knowing holiday shoppers are looking for the “perfect” box.

Unbeknownst to Evil Joy, Regions had her pegged.  Evil Joy had been in this store just yesterday staring at the other Elf on The Shelf boxes….even picked up one.  Then put it back down.  Good fortune was shining on Regions.

Evil Joy ran in and purchased Regions.  She had no idea of the Evil in that box.  Regions was drooling with anticipation of the nurses bending over to tend to him and views he was sure to get.  The sponge baths…man, he was really ready for one of those.  And of course….the drugs.  He could only hope he could get his hands on some good ones this time – not the stool softeners like last time.  Not a pretty sight.

Regions was biding his time.  Just waiting for the right moment. 

Then it came.

Dr. Evil left for dialysis.  It was time.  He climbed up, hooked himself up to the leads and waited.  In walked the nurse.

Image

Shit.  In walked the MALE nurse.  With bath supplies.  Regions was in for a new experience. 

He was never so happy for Dr. Evil to be discharged on Christmas day.  Home to the lair of Evil Joy, Dr. Evil and their crazy spawn.  He thought possibly he’d found peace at last.

Until the dog got ahold of him and starting humping away.

He couldn’t get packed away soon enough.

Regions the Elf is currently in hiding in one of 15 twenty gallon plastic totes.  The authorities are looking for him in connection with a theft of a large quantity of non-skid hospital socks – and the before mentioned suspected Elf Homicide.  If you have any information, please contact Evil Joy directly.  Thank you.

Bragging Letter….

So…People I Want to Punch in the Throat has this amazing blog post (not just a post but the entire blog of course!!!) had this contest about entering either real or fake ‘brag’ letters.  I didn’t win but was fortunate to be listed among those submitting entries.  I am going to write a slightly real, slightly fake letter here.

Again – this is slightly real and slight FAKE.  Fake people.  Funny.  Fake.  For Fun.  Do not email me and slam me for this later.  I will unfriend your Evil Self and no longer pretend to like you.  I will then be forced to write a post and call you out on your Evil Lack Of Humor.

Merry Christmas 2012 from the Hedding Household!

This year has been a doosey of a year.  If any of you noticed or didn’t, we didn’t send out a single Christmas card last year or write any silly letter to go along with it.  I forced you all to read along with our trials, tribulations, and triumphs on Facebook and Caring Bridge and then on my blog…www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com.

In November of last year – 2011 – Dr. Evil decided to try to get away from the nagging of his wonderful wife and kick the bucket by contracting a staph infection that turned septic and caused kidney, heart, and liver failure, staph pneumonia, and rhabdomyolysis in his legs.  You know….there are easier ways to get a break from me.  After a 10 day stint on life support, he decided to come back and play again and only needed another 4 weeks in the hospital to learn to walk and take care of himself before coming home on Christmas Day.

December was sort of tanked because of Dr. Evil being sick.  A very sincere (and completely real) thank you from the bottom of my soul to all of those who helped us out in every way possible from bringing us meals, cleaning our home, shoveling our walk…..taking care of my family and those taking care of my spawn.  And for being there for me when I needed help more than I ever realized.  You.Are.Amazing.  I am forever thankful and will forever be paying it forward for all the good done for me and my family.  Thank you doesn’t begin to cover it.  But it’s all I got folks.  If I won the lottery, I’d be passing it out to all of you.  Thank you so very much.

January arrived.  Evil Joy learned much about at home nursing and how to administer IV meds for Dr. Evil.  And care for feet.  And hands.  And remove nails.  And dead skin.  And treat remaining skin.  And head pressure wounds.  Damn, I should get an honorary RN degree for this.  Or paid.  Paid would be good.

February was much of the same.  Dr. Evil improved and healed to the point of being able to go back to work part-time.  Dr. Evil’s wonderful co-workers threw an amazing benefit for us.  We have insurance but the bills are still pretty impressive and the benefit paid for a large portion of the unexpected bills and made up for Evil Joy not making any moolah while taking care of Dr. Evil.  And then…Evil Joy went out for a day of well deserved fun.  And broke the Evil Wrist.  Both bones.  Bubble wrap anyone?

March led to more of a return to normal life.  Naught rotten spawn, spring break in Chicago, Physical Therapy for Evil Joy and Dr. Evil both….  Chicago was a major return to normalcy for our family.  It really began the track of returning to the same old day in day out stuff.

April, May, June.  May sort of sucked.  Evil Joy ran over Fizzgig the Dog and killed him.  His poor little body is buried in our yard.  He is now known as Smooshie in our home because we have to laugh a little or Evil Joy cries about killing the damn dog.  (and yes, this really did happen)  Boosters again ruled our world.  Dr. Evil is very active in Boosters and the spawn all play Booster ball (except Littlest Spawn who is too young).  Both Eldest Spawn and Eldest Female Spawn broke several world records with their amazing ball playing skills.  The college recruiters are fighting over them already at the ages of 12, 10, and 7.

July held more of the same and the addition of a RV to the Hedding Household.  Evil Joy hates camping with a violent passion.  This is a nice middle ground to allow the family to remain in tact and for Evil Joy to actually enjoy sleeping ‘outside’ with air conditioning and heat.

August was fun.

September rocked because School Started and Evil Joy did the most amazing Happy Dance!  Dancing with the Stars is currently in negotiations with the now famous Evil Joy, begging her to become the next celebrity on their show.

October, November – all good.  Dr. Evil took Evil Joy away and they were Dr. Evil and Wild Joy and got tattoos and drinks in Key West.  Only one tattoo, but many many drinks.  Evil Joy decided to get Burton the puppy and all were forced to fall in love or Evil Joy was going to Evil Freaking Crazy on anyone who chose not to fall in love with Burton the puppy.

December has arrived and I’m pleased to say we’re back to our normal dysfunctional family ways.  Evil Joy dictated our family will snowboard from here forward (as she bought her board the day after breaking her arm….and is telling EVERYONE about that….just ask Dr. Evil.)

So…here’s to a great 2013.  We’re hoping for no more close calls with death, broken bones, or dysfunctional family relationships.  Hope you all have good luck in those areas as well.

 

Unknown

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Dr. Evil, Evil Joy, Eldest Spawn, Eldest Female Spawn, Second Eldest Female Spawn, Littlest Spawn, Shadow the Dog, and Burton the Puppy.

Comparisons….

Evil Joy here with a post on similarities, differences, and the things interconnecting said comparisons.

 

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to share the important stuff of the last 2 weeks.  The stuff that truly matters to me.  And I’ve decided comparisons and pictures will tell some of the story.

 

So…to set the stage –

There's Good Fun Elves....

There’s Good Fun Elves….

And there's Scary As All Get Out Elves

And there’s Scary As All Get Out Elves….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

——

And ….

Movies I LOVE to watch over and over....

Movies I LOVE to watch over and over….

Movies I am TOO Scared to watch even once...

Movies I am TOO Scared to watch even once…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you see the pattern?

But….

While some comparison are black and while like the above, the following comparisons aren’t all good or all bad….

Thanksgiving weekend 2011 at Regions Hospital

Thanksgiving weekend 2011 at Regions Hospital

 

Thanksgiving Day 2012 with the cousins

Thanksgiving Day 2012 with the cousins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—-

Awake ..... 2011

Awake ….. 2011

Awake ... 2012

Awake …. 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

——-

Getting the tree 2011....

Getting the tree 2011….

Getting the tree 2012....

Getting the tree 2012….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—-

Decorating the tree 2011.... Dr. Evil still in hospital.....

Decorating the tree 2011…. Dr. Evil still in hospital…..

Decorating the tree 2012... with Dr. Evil....

Decorating the tree 2012… with Dr. Evil….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—–

Love 2011......

Love 2011……

Love 2012.....

Love 2012…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As 02 Dec 2012 dawns, I recall 02 Dec 2011 with great clarity.  Dr. Evil was awake.  This was going to be his first full day of consciousness since 20 Nov 2011.   Fast forward a year.  Lots of crazy, scary, wonderful, awful, amazing, and terrifying memories…..

So here’s to another great year.  2011 had challenges and events beyond my dreams, nightmares, and everything in between.  I can’t change the past, so I may as embrace it.  I found strength in others I didn’t know existed – and strength in myself I never imagined.  I wish Dr. Evil hadn’t ever been sick, but if he hadn’t – we wouldn’t be who we are today.  So … while I’m not grateful for his illness, I’m so very grateful for the love, knowledge, strength, and memories of the last 12 months.

EJ out – to live today to its fullest.

 

If you liked reading my post, click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon to cast a vote for me.  Thanks…..

(graphic sources : imdb.com, senseofrightalliance.wordpress.com)

 

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