Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: Iowa

Road Trip

Mom, when are we leaving?

Mom, did you pack for us yet?

Mom, when are we leaving?

Mom, when will be home?

Mom, how long is the drive?

Mom, how many songs will it take to get there?

Mom, can I sit in the front seat?

Mom, she’s touching me!

Mom, when are leaving?

Mom, did you wash my skirt?

Mom, is this the wedding?

Mom, who is going to take care of the dogs?

Mom, when will we see Dad?

Mom, when will Dad be home?

Mom, is Dad going to take care of the dogs?

Seriously.  This is what the first three minutes of my day were like today.  THREE MINUTES PEOPLE.  3.  Just three.

Can’t wait for the 5 HOURS in the car with these three spawn.

Today we are embarking on a road trip to Iowa.  We’re co-hosting a bridal shower for Miss (soon to be Mrs.) Niece O Mine.  We being..the Female Spawn and I.  All three of them and me.  All three of them.  Dr. Evil and Eldest Spawn are having a boy bonding weekend and taking the RV 5 miles down the road and visiting Willow River State Park.  And hopefully cutting down the dead tree in the yard.  (hint hint Dr. Evil….we’ll see if you actually read this….like you say you do…but don’t…BUSTED!)  I have no idea what they’re doing with the dogs.  I take care of everything most of the time for 5 people so they can deal with the dogs for two days when they’re in the same state as the dogs whilst I’m away.

The trip goes like this.  We leave.  About 10 minutes down the road someone has to pee.  And is hungry.  And thirsty.

I pretend to not hear them.  Mind you, we’re taking Dr. Evil’s compact hatchback so he can take the RV 5 miles down the road using the roomy truck.  So not hearing them is a blatant lie even the littlest of spawn see through.

We make it to Rochester.  It’s about 2 hours.  We’ll stop somewhere for lunch – I can hear the cries for McDonald’s already!  I’m hoping I can talk them into Five Guys.  Or something we can eat while driving.  Then a couple more minutes…the other side of Rochester.  We’ll have to stop again for the bathroom.

Some will sleep.  Some will cry.  Some will read.  Some will try.

I will drive.  I will drive with all my might.

Hopefully we make it to Springville.  Or Chester.  Because Chester is in Iowa.  On the border.

“YES!  We’re in Iowa!!!  How much further?!?!”

2 hours.


I bribe them to hold it so we don’t have to stop AGAIN!  Then we stop.  There is an 87 mile stretch of nothing.  After that only 45 more minutes.  Then…we get on I-380.  Love I-380.  Could drive this stretch asleep.  But I guess I shouldn’t.

Who’d have thought that exit 24 could be such a welcoming site?!  I love driving through parts of Cedar Rapids.  I pass my old haunting grounds Rockwell.  That means I’m about 5 minutes from my parents’ house.  Down the hill.  Do.Not.Speed.  They mean 20 miles per hour here.

Turn.  Turn.  There’s the park.

Oh God, we’re almost there.

One more turn.  Driveway.

From a while ago...Playing with Grannie's Red Hat Society stuff.

From a while ago…Playing with Grannie’s Red Hat Society stuff.

I will make it.  I will love it.  I get to spend the day with my girls.  Without interruption.  Just us together.

I am truly blessed.

Theme Thursday is hosted by the awesome Something Clever 2.0, The Next Step, The Insomniac’s Dream, and Mom With Her Running Shoes On.  These amazing bloggers host each Thursday.  You should pop over there and read some of the link ups.  You’ll find wonderful writing and new people to follow.

EJ out – to clean someone’s house before I clean my own so we can leave!

Please help an Evil Traveler out…I’m slipping out of the top 25 Humor Blogs at Top Mommy Blogs.  Please click on the juggling lady up there on the right.  That’s all you have to do.  You can and SHOULD do it daily.  I have spoken.  Thanks!

ToothLess Wonder…..

Evil Joy here with a post on teeth – and how the thought of teeth make me cringe.

So…I have this insane fear of the dentist.  Insane.  Crazy.  But it has gotten better in the past few years…because….(dramatic pause used for the start of a long story….)…

When I was 4, I was tickling my sister’s feet.  She kicked (as would I) but with perfect aim.  I lost a tooth and three more were knocked loose.  Should have known then this particular tooth was bound for a destiny …. not a good one.

When I was 6, I fell out of a bunk bed and knocked out a 4 or 5 baby teeth..and one permanent tooth.  The same one that had been kicked out previously.  Great.  Really?!  So the University of Iowa dentist put Humpty Dumpty Joy back together – they put that tooth back in and I had 17 root canals over the next 5-7 years.  And countless trips to the University to see Dr. Crawl.  He was the one who took care of me and dealt with the craziness that was my mouth.  Because it was all research they tracked everything for a long time.

Life was good.  I couldn’t have braces because it would have affected the way the tooth had been reinserted and structured.  Mom decided I needed to have a crown because of senior pictures – the tooth was dead and slightly off color because of that.

Okay fine….I’ll get a crown.

I worried for years about the day it would need to be replaced.  Seriously sick about it.  Sick.  Like throw up before going to the dentist for a cleaning worried they were going to say it needed to be done.

Fast forward a number of years….New Years Day.  I have this thing about making sure Christmas is all put away and the New Year is met with a clean house.  I was wrapping up my nativity platter.  In a big sheet.  It slipped.

And hit me in the face – right between my upper lip and nose.

$h*t.  That HURT.  A lot.

But said fear of dentist kept me from getting it checked up until February rolled around.  Couldn’t take it anymore.  My face and jaw and teeth just hurt.  Went into the dentist.  Who IMMEDIATELY referred me to a specialist – the same day.  Who took x-rays and schedule surgery to remove the tooth and place the screw part of an implant…the next day.

THE NEXT DAY!?!?  WTHeck?!?

Evidently it was infected and they don’t mess around with infections in that part of your body.  Especially because I have heart murmurs.  So on some pretty powerful antibiotics.  And I returned the next day to begin my 3 month period as the

“ToothLess Wonder.”

Yup – the screw has to heal in the jaw for 3 months before a crown can be attached.

(And in true Joy style, I left the surgery and drove to Iowa with four kids and no Dr. Evil.  Go figure – who lets a tooth extraction slow them down?  Plus then my Mommy could take care of me….and she did.)

I had a retainer with a ‘tooth’ in it to wear – and trust me – I wore it.  This tooth – in the front – on the top.  One of my beaver teeth.

It’s all good now.  I still worry about eating things like caramel apples – I don’t usually chew gum – and I’m careful with sticky foods.  Just nervous-nelly – besides the fact that I have crap teeth – after I had Second Eldest Spawn (during whose pregnancy I threw up about 3 or more times a day for the ENTIRE 9 months) – I had 7 – SEVEN – cavities.  I am a good girl.  I go to the dentist every six months.  I floss.  I use mouth wash.  Seriously – 7 cavities at once?!?  However after having the implant (tooth sickos) – I’m not nearly as nervous going in for a cleaning…only partially as nervous…..

When spawn lose teeth – Dr. Evil is in charge.  Or my neighbor.  Or the nearest stranger.




And to add insult to injury – our family – the dogs included – we could have been the HillBilly Heddings….Fizzy had to have an eye removed in the same time frame I was ToothLess Wonder.  And Shadow had a big bald spot on her side where she’d cut herself on the compost bin.  She’s a black lab/border collie.  It was very obvious.

No tooth, one-eyed, bald spot family – isn’t that the perfect picture?  Would have made a great Christmas card……


EJ out – to ensure all the Spawn have clean teeth.

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Evil Love Story….

Evil Joy here with a post on “Love, True Love.”  (I really need to expand the number of movies I watch – Princess Bride quotes have made it on here twice!)

So…this is the Evil Love Store of Evil Joy and Dr. Evil.  How we met……..

Before Evil Joy was spawned, I was simply Joy.  Back in 1991, I went to the University of Iowa Band Camp.  I was 15.  My Evil Co-Hort From Iowa Amy always went too.  Kids from all over the state came to this band camp held in June every year.  So…ECHFIA and I hung out together a lot because we were (and still are) awesome friends.  I grew up going to Iowa City a lot so I had a decent working knowledge of the downtown area and we were given free reign to walk about…within reason.

Now, having attended the previous year, we saw some old friends.  Mike, who’s nickname should have been Bill or Will as his name was William, motioned us to sit down for lunch in the cafeteria.  He was joined by his roommate, Dr. Evil.  Then known as Brent.  I got all googly eyed and after ECHFIA and I went to the next rehearsal we were all chatty about him.  I remember saying, “I’m pretty sure his name is Brett…”  She argued, “Nope…I’m sure it’s Brent.”  And…she was right.

Well camp was only a week long.  You know all those things they say about band camp….they’re true.  Not really….only partially true.  We went to a movie that week during our free time – “Heart and Souls.”   He kept trying to hold my lil’ ol’ innocent hand…I was ‘like a limp fish’ he later revealed…..  I was so nervous – he was the ‘older’ guy – he was going to be a senior – I was just going to be a lowly sophomore.  I definitely got a kiss from Brent this one time at band camp…. (and I even told my mom on the way home!).

So….seeing as he lived three hours away, we wrote letters.  Lot of them.  I still have them……aaahhhhhhhh….I know …. there is a sentimental bone in my Evil Body.

Then one day….I got brave.  I dialed and DIDN’T hang up before it connected.  He answered.

“Hi.  This is Joy.”  And so it began.  For the next several weeks we wrote letters and talked.  Then his parents brought him up for a day visit.  We had fun.  He asked me if I cared if he went to a dance with another girl.  I of course did, but was all “whatever….”  Later than night when he got home, he called and asked me to that dance.  And I went….

And so this continued through the year into the next summer.  Letters, phone calls, visits…he went to college.  When he told me where he decided to go…I was devastated.  I was thinking he’d go to Iowa State and we’d be closer than before.  Nope.  University of Missouri-Rolla.  Six hours away.

Shortly after, amazingly, I decided that’s where I wanted to go.  Imagine that…go figure…what other cliché can we throw in here…..

Visits, summers, phone calls….

Finally I graduated.  And down to Rolla I went to study aerospace engineering.  (Yeah – I ended up with a degree in Applied Mathematics – Statics and I were NOT friends….)  However….he was on co-op for Dow Chemical in Michigan my first semester at college.  So we’re finally close by and he goes further away.  What?@!?!?!  It ended up being a good thing…I was able to establish my own identity at the small university we attended.  Made my own friends outside of his circle…although they all welcomed me with open arms and looked after me being so far from home for the first time.

He proposed December 23rd of my freshman year of university.  I was only 18 years old.  Everyone thought we were nuts and it would never last.

Several co-ops and times apart – he was in Michigan and California, I co-op for Rockwell in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  Then….

We got married December 28th of my junior year.  I was three weeks shy of 21. It.Was.Perfect.

So every time I hear, “This one time at band camp….” I smile and giggle.  And a lot of times say…”I met my future husband.”  Take that American Pie!

(I actually think the movies are pretty funny…..haven’t seen the latest one though…)

EJ out – to go give Dr. Evil a hug before he leaves for work.

Do you have any love stories to share?  And band camp stories to share?  Anyone?

Take a minute and click the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the right and send me some band camp love via votes.  Thanks!!!!

Evil Perfect Plethora of Pictures…..

Evil Joy here with a post of pictures.  We had so much fun in Iowa.  I miss it….

However, we’re back, I’m back, so watch out world….Evil Joy Speaks Once Again!!!! Bawhahahahaha…..


Wind Mills….My Spawn were enthralled with the numerous wind mills on the way down…and back….


Second Oldest Female Spawn got ahold of my phone on the trip – she recorded a poem of her desire to get to Iowa….and took about 200 pictures….of her face…..


Heaven….Loving up Mandi….


Grannie and Eldest Female Spawn


Playing with Ben! The Scallywag!


Redi-whip – Uncle – Eldest Spawn…’nuff said…..


Great Grannie and the Spawn…..they LOVE her!!! Rocking it at 92!


Per Grannie’s request (read : ORDER) I got in one picture…..


Eldest Female Spawn and Great Grannie….


Are you ready? I’m ready….Are you set? I’m set. Let’s skate!


Before….Spawn and J and J…..they are awesome! Skated for 4 hours with the Spawn…and taught the two Littles how to skate.


Death Grip and a Smile…..


J caught her before she fell every time……


Speed Demon – I mean Eldest Spawn…..wearing hat by Great Aunt Judy….


J is definitely related to the Uncle……smooosh……




Love…they helped one another so well…..


J was so patient…..Littlest Spawn fell in Love…..with her and skating…..


Who says hand cleanliness can’t be fun?


Littlest Spawn…aka Feathers For Hair….had to join in!

Other Evil Awesome Iowa Activities :

Swimming at Aunt Laurie’s….

Two Eldest Spawn attended a Kernels game with Grandpa…..

Two Littlest Spawn attended dinner out and shopping with yours truly and Grannie……

Yummy Breakfast by Grannie…….

And then….da da daaahhhhhhhhh.  The Evil Drive Home.

Self fulfilling prophesy maybe?  Man…the Spawn were truly Spawn.  I actually pulled off on the side of the interstate (not an exit) and let them know how I love the silliness, but the craziness was causing unsafe driving conditions….actually it went more like …

“KNOCK IT OFF – Do NOT throw things while I’m driving!  Do you want to crash!?!?!?  Do NOT throw things AT ME!!!  Yes, I’M MAD – Now…do you understand me?!  Do YOU?!?!”

They were good after that.

We arrived home…safe and sound….and I went ‘off duty’ to work in my weed patch…..I mean garden.

EJ out – to start the day of appointments – Eldest Spawn is ordering new glasses today!

Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper left to give me a vote.  If you are reading this directly in email, you have to go to the site by clicking on the title of the post (ie Evil Perfect Plethora of Pictures) and then you’ll see the icon.  If you’re on a mobile device, you have to view the full site then you’ll see the icon.

See the icon.  Click the icon.  Do it…you know you want to.  Once a day.  Every day.  PPPLLLLEEEAAASSSSE…..


Evil Awesome Iowa!

Evil Joy here with a post on where I’ve been the last few days….along with the four Spawn….

So…once a summer, more if I had my way, I try to get to Iowa for a weekend/week trip to see my Iowa family.  As the Spawn have increased in their Spawness, it’s been more difficult to get down here.  We’re just busy.  Baseball.  Softball.  Summer School.  Camp.  More Camp.

Well…we found the only open week (short week because…we were Evil Busy again…) to get down here and here we’ve been.  I haven’t loaded pics yet because here in Iowa, it takes more work than at home where I just plug in my phone.

In the short time we’ve been here we’ve done some Evil Awesome Stuff…..

1.  Evil Awesome Drive down – the Spawn were so well behaved I’m actually slightly frightened to drive home.  I’m scared they’ll make up for their Evil Awesome Behavior – try to balance it out…pray for me….

2.  Evil Awesome Run…and then Evil Awesome Second Run Of The Morning with Eldest Spawn and Eldest Female Spawn.  And once again, the songs I listened to in high-school came up on my iPod at the same intersection I think of every time I hear that song…(Jonas and Ezekiel by the Indigo Girls).

3.  Evil Surprise Visit by Mandi and Ben – whom my Spawn adore beyond belief.

4.  Evil Sweetness….I got to hold my Great Nephew Baby C!  What a doll face!

5.  Evil Brother – he’s just Evil.  ‘Nuff said.  However his family rocks!  We had a great dinner out there…..

6.  Extremely Evil Awesome Visit with Great Grannie of Iowa!  My Spawn love her – and at 92 – she’s still rocking it!

7.  Evil Awesome Ice Skating with Jeni and Jon – and I am so grateful for  them!  I didn’t have to ice skate today!  (I would have liked to but there’s these races I’ve paid for I will run in October and given my grace and agility, ice skating would not be a wise choice……I’m learning……)  Four – 4 – Four hours of ice time!

8.  Evil Free Backpack and Lunch Box for littlest Spawn.  Mom of Evil Joy had an advertisement for Hy-Vee – local grocery chain in this part of the country – buy xyz = free backpack and lunch box.  Since Littlest Spawn is starting (pre) school this year, she was pumped when I showed them to her!

9.  And now….Evil Early Bedtime for all!  I’m so excited for this!  They literally went to bed to rest after dinner.  Never mind there’s a TV in the room they sleep in here in Iowa – but they’re all ready for bed, covered up and nearly out!  And it’s not even 8pm!!!!!  RoCk On!!!!

So….we are going to continue to RoCkIt in Iowa tomorrow.  Morning will hold a run for me, visit to Aunt Laurie’s to swim, and an Iowa Kernels Baseball Game for the Eldest Three Spawn and Grandpa.  Littlest Spawn, Grannie and will go out and do something fun while they’re there.  Grandpa rocks it, but all 4 kids at a large gathering…..nope.

Thursday…we drive home.  Like I said – send some prayers and good karma my way – and happy awake thoughts too – it’s not that long of drive..only about 5 hours…but if it’s sunny…..sleepy….Evil Joy will need caffeine to make the trek.

Man – we really pack in the fun!  I know how to get these Spawn out in the world and we will conquer whatever is in our path…..

Evil Joy out – to watch the Olympics.

So…I haven’t been on here to bug you to vote for me – Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the right.  One Click.  That’s all it takes.  Once click and you’re done.  From every device you own.  Once a day.  Every day.  Thanks for the Clicky Love!!!!

Evil Technological Advances – Evil Old Joy

Evil Joy here with a post on Evil Technological Advances, questions from Spawn, and the realization just how old I actually am.  (not very…bawahahahahaha!)

So…after driving to Iowa and back in a short span of time and my iPhone being dead (you know you have to pack a charger if in fact you want a charger in Iowa), Eldest Female Spawn and I listened to the radio A LOT.  Evil A lot.  I love country music, actually…I love most all music – U2, Rush, Dixie Chicks, Sugarland, Lady Antebellum….I don’t know..pretty much everything.

However, the radio stations between here and there …and there and here really like the .. oh … about… the same EVIL 5 SONGS.  Over and over and over and over and over.

When the song “Payphone” by Maroon 5 came on, yet AGAIN my sweet, innocent, Eldest Female Spawn says,”What’s a pay phone and why does it cost lots of change?”


Now, a week or so ago, my friend’s daughter asked her the same question and I laughed.

Now…I realize….entire generations of Spawn will grow up unaware of life without cell phones, DVD and Blu-Rays, Netflix, and the internet.  There’s something to be said for advancement.  There’s also something to be said for simpler times.  Hence, my one (Evil) day a week of no screen time in my lair.  Evil is in “( )” because my Spawn think it’s Evil – I think it’s awesome.  They have to use their brains and speaking skills.  The Evil Speaking Skills….sometimes the Evil Speaking Skills truly utilize the Evil Part with snarky words.  Other times, the Evil Speaking Skills are wonderful and I hear plays being dreamed up and acted out.

So…my Spawn is now aware what pay phones are, why they use change, how they work, and every time we see one – she yells out – “There’s one!”

Evil Advances – Keep on Advancing.  Keep on finding new solutions.

Evil Joy – Keep on making life more simple.  Choose which Evil Advances to embrace and which ones to ban….or at least resist.

Evil Joy out – to unplug my children for the day and make them help me clean the house.

Evil Chair…Yeah…it’s the Chair…..

Evil Joy here with a post on chairs, feet, stuck feet, and painful release of said stuck foot.

Need I say more?  
Well of course I need say more – it’s meeee!
As if driving to Iowa with Eldest Female Spawn for a weekend of fun taking a turn for not fun wasn’t enough…..Mom of Evil Joy ended up in the hospital with a sore neck.  And no, it’s not because I’m a pain in the neck.  Bite me.
See, I’m going to be a Great Aunt.  Not just a Great Aunt – I’m already that…just ask me…I’ll tell ya!  My Eldest Nephew and his wife are having a baby!!!!!  So I’m going to be a Awesome Great Aunt.  (didn’t want to confuse any of you with saying I’ll be a great Great Aunt….)
And due to becoming said Awesome Great Aunt, attending a baby shower in Iowa is Awesome Evil Fun!  (Shopping for said baby shower even more Awesome Evil Fun!!!!!!)
Evil Silliness led to me running a 5K, attending baseball tournament for Eldest Spawn in our hometown, and then driving 5 hours to Iowa with Eldest Female Spawn.  All in 12 hours.  Tired Evil Joy resulted.  
Then the Evil Sore Neck for Evil Joy’s Mom.  Resulting in Evil Hospital Stay.  Resulting in Evil Joy sitting in my usual not normal fashion – criss cross applesauce, one leg crossed….any which way but the normal way is how I roll.  Resulting in…….
After I was able to have a minute or two with no one in the room but Sleeping Mom of Evil Joy and Evil Joy, I was able to free my Evil Stuck Foot from the Evil Chair Claiming My Foot.  I had to wait until it was just the two of us as Evil Words were bound to escape my mouth as my foot escaped said Evil Chair.
So….Evil Chair.  Bite me.  Wait – you sort of already did that…don’t bite me.  Or anyone else.
Evil Joy – stop getting limbs stuck in places they don’t belong.
Mom of Evil Joy – Get out of the hospital.  Come hang out with Evil Joy.
EJ out – to begin a day of Scattering Joy to those fortunate enough to know me.  Bawhahahahahaha!

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