Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: laughter (page 1 of 2)

New Form of Self Torture

Alright.  I’m just going to lay it on the line.

I’m hairy.

Yes, you read that right.  I have the male equivalent  of the 5 o’clock shade by 10 am on my legs and underarms.  And yeah…I have super dark hair.  Evidently the grays don’t start invading the areas of your body (other than your head) until later.

So…while out visiting a friend, I learned about Nads.  And how Nads actually rips hair from the its follicle and makes me ‘shout’ obscenities under my breath.

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Excitedly, I opened the package.  I looked in awe at the few supplies that were going to Change.My.Life.

I would no longer fear panty hose ripping.  (Well…like I ever did that before……)

I would no longer hide my face in shame at the park when Littlest said, “Mama – your legs are super prickly today.  Way worse than yesterday!”

I would embrace my man sized calves.  I would flaunt my smooth legs.  I would show off my tattoo of gibberish.

 

And…….

 

I tried it on my Second Eldest Spawn first.   On vacation.  Away from home.  (And from her brother who would have teased her without mercy.)

 

Yup.  I did that.  I’m not a coward.  She wanted to shave.  And I think she’s too young.  But she’s on a ball team with girls two years older than she and they all shave.

So she willing sat on a bathroom counter.  I put the warm goo on her legs.  Rubbed the strip on.

And ripped that shit off.

She did it.  She survived.  She didn’t cry.  She said, “By the time I’m 18, my hair should pretty much have gotten the idea to NOT EVER come back!”

We got home from vacay.  I decided it was time.  It was time and if I did that to my kid…..I could do it myself.  I mean, how bad could it really hurt?

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It could hurt like a fire filled hole of steaming lava coming up and eating your skin, laughing at you the whole time saying, “SUCKER!!!”.  How the HELL did Eldest Female Spawn not cry?!  Man…I had tears in my eyes.  They didn’t fall.  I held strong.  I remained stoic on the outside since Eldest Female Spawn was watching Scooby Doo and waiting to see what my reaction was.

Then….. after the 87th strip of hair I ripped off my man sized calves…it really didn’t hurt that much.  Or I was so numb to the pain that I was slap happy.  Not sure which, but I didn’t care because it didn’t hurt like the sting of fire ants on your bare feet but alllll over your legs.

And just think….people do this to other areas of their bodies.  Ummmm.   Not today sista.  It hurt my legs that much and my legs are exposed to the elements  – there’s no way I’m waxing parts that don’t see the light of day.  No way in bejebbers.

But…I didn’t have to shave much for 3 weeks.  (only those random areas I realized I missed…you know – the 1/8th inch strip up the inside of your knee…yeah…that part.)

And…it’s almost time.  To once again.  Willingly.

Rip. My. Hair. Out. Of. My. Skin.

 

EJ out – to put on pants to hid my 10am leg hair shadow.

 

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A Bunny Murder…..

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In Breaking Evil Joy news……bbeeep.beep…beepp.beeeep

A dastardly murder occurred on this most Holy of day.  After celebrating Easter Sunday with family, the Evil Joy Spawnily reported finding their lovely, beautiful Easter Cake Bunny murdered.  Awesome Amy, Easter Cake Bunny creator and maker has been notified and consoled.

The following image may be disturbing to some readers.  Consider yourself warned.

 

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It appears Easter Cake Bunny’s ears, nose, and mouth were removed (and enjoyed – no traces of marshmallow fondant were found among spawnily members.  Much hand washing was obvious so no trace evidence could be recovered).

Then in ‘Walking Dead’ style, Easter Cake Bunny was murdered.

 

Services will be held for the remaining parts of Easter Cake Bunny at 5:30 at the Evil Joy Dinner Table.  The funeral will follow dinner.

 

EJ out – to clean up some more dishes!!

 

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Evil Toys are Taking Control….

A while back I wrote about our doll houses inspired by a  post from The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.  (And she’s a part of that new book all the cool kids are getting “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”)

Here’s a small recap of that…..through pictures….

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Y’all remember Evil Scary Baby Girl/Boy right?  She gave several of you nightmares…..

Well…they’re BAAACCCCKKKKKKKK!

And now…the Evil Spawn of the Doll House are ruling the world….Muwahahahahah!

Breaking New in the Lair of Evil Joy….beep beep beep …. you know…the sound of breaking news…….

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As you can see the spawn have gathered.  With their nanny.  And with the newly brain washed toys joining their Evil Little Posse.  I believe Evil Scary American Girl Doll is in charge.  I’m sure as hell not about to question her authority.

The Fairy God Mothers are currently trapped on a partition of the roof.  Their magic powers are inactive from this part of the roof.  They are helpless to stop what is happening in the main house.

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All animals have been banished to the actual roof.  Although they’d support the Evil Spawn I’m sure.  Probably just making sure they don’t go all zombie and eat the … wait…..you’ll have to read about that….  I’m certain the Evil Spawn will offer them food and water later.  The Evil Spawn don’t seem the type to let them bake to death in the sun.  Hello Kitty and the Easter Bunny seem pretty agile so if they do get trapped, I’m sure all will be rescued.  Plus, Littlest Spawn is an animal lover.

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The following pictures may be disturbing to some of my readers.  Parental guidance is required.

The carnage may only be properly described with pictures….Daddy #1 fought the hardest….he was the first to go over….

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After Daddy #1 was out of the way, all of the parental figures were ‘dealt with’ in a similar manner…..

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Take note of Pinkilicious cheering – she’s an Evil Little Bag.  And the toddlers are full of happy “I tossed my parents over the railing” smiles.  I’m fairly certain Evil American Girl Doll’s hair grows more poofy with each kill.

So watch out parental figure dolls.  You’ve seen what can happen with the spawn rule the doll house.

Just in case you’re wondering…Littlest Spawn and I had a belly busting laughing time tossing those parents over the edge.  Then the Little People ambulance came to rescue them…and bury them in the doll box.  Never to be heard from again.  Until she wants to play with them.

EJ out – to borrow Eldest Spawn’s snowboard without his permission.  We have fresh powder….can’t miss this opportunity!  My board is unavailable at this time so…..lucky for me he’s about the same height as me!!!!  His stance is wider, but I’ll live…and have fun!  Bawahahaha!

Take a minute and help me out!  Evil Joy has slipped to #34 in the Humor Blogs category – #34!!?!?!?!?!?  I was in the top 10 for a long time.  I need to get back there.  I want to get back…Please help me get back there!!!  Click on the flashing banner below.  I’m going to put the juggling lady back because it seems more IN YOUR FACE PLEASE VOTE FOR ME than the flashing banner.  Look for her return.  But in the mean time, click THE BANNER!  PLEASE!!!

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It Wasn’t So Evil After All….

So in my infinite wisdom, I told my Eldest Female and Second Eldest Female Spawn they could have their sleepover birthday parties at the same time, on the same day, in the same location – our lair.  I then felt slight ill as I realized what I’d opened myself up to….

16 little girls.  girly girls.  nail polish.  Eeek!  The anticipation was killing us all – spawn excited, me…terrified.  I’m the least girly girl you’ll meet……

Then Dr. Evil went on travel.  And he had a cold.  And we had a party.

Are.You.Kidding.Me?

It’s the trifecta from last year – only last year he cancelled his trip because he didn’t feel well …..and that would become the understatement of the century.

Talk about PANIC.ATTACK.

 

Then reality set in and I realized I was having this Evil Wonderful Party (no sarcasm, none at all) while  he was on TRAVEL.  Really?  WTHeck?  Luckily he was to return around 10pm so I would have reinforcements if anyone needed to go home.

Planning away the spawn were happy.  And I found I was too – Eldest Spawn has mentioned more than once she shouldn’t have had a party last year because then Daddy wouldn’t have gotten sick.  We quickly put that to rest…until it resurfaces.  I was so thrilled she was happily planning away and not melancholy as she’s been about her birthday….

Dr. Evil hopped an earlier flight.  I did a happy dance.  Then…..

They all arrived, chaos ensued.

I think I’ve finally grown up a little and released the Evil Control I always thought I should have when multiple spawn are around (when they’re not mine – mine are still screwed because I’m still oh-so-incharge).

We.Had.A.Blast!

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Fire Hazard…..

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The Birds were Angry

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It’s a migraine in a rainbow!

 

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Flowers going through their ‘change’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Evil is currently cooking a truck load of waffles, eggs, and bacon for the crazies here.  I should go help….ummmm…yeah..I should…..

EJ out – to enjoy the giggles of little girls.

 

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Two in Double Digits….

 

Evil Joy here with a post on Election Day….or as it’s known in our house…Eldest Female Spawn’s Birthday EVE.

Tomorrow…I will have two spawn in double digits.  She’s going to be 10.  WTHeck?  When did that happen?

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She may be the one who gives me a reason to post some days…but she is so very special to me.  Eldest Female Spawn has the biggest heart, the kindest soul, and the sweetest hugs of anyone I know.  I am blessed to have her in my life.

Evil Awesome Amy came over bearing chocolate sugar cookies in the shape of horses for us to decorate.  I added my attempt at flowers….together we ended up with….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EJ out – to check on Eldest Female Spawn – really – just to watch her sleep – she’s so very peaceful when she rests…..

 

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That Evil Siren….Evil Halloween Candy

It calls to me.  At 2 am.

Actually…that was Burton Puppy and the spawn were starting to stir from their diabetic induced sleep so I rescued him…(and myself – four spawn up at 2 am – shoot me now….).

There it was.  The four LARGE bags of miniature magic little pieces of heaven.  On the kitchen table.  With no one around.

I took one piece.  Oh…it’s okay…the two with braces can’t eat this Baby Ruth anyways….it’s only one.  And sugar will make me sleepy.  yeah…yeah…

The chocolate sang its song and I was sucked into the melody.

One more piece the lyrics went.  Just one more….

Until I woke up at 6am to my spawn saying, “Who ate my Baby Ruth!?  I was saving that until my braces are off.”

Ummmmmm….damn.  I am forced to fess up because…I can’t come up with an acceptable lie.

“I think Dad ate some before bed last night.”

 

EJ out – to put on ear muffs to silence the Evil Siren Candy.

 

Take a minute and offer support for this candy addict and click on the top mommy blogs juggling lady there in the corner.  I’ve dropped out of the top 10 humor blogs.  WaaaahhhhH!  I want back in.  Help me!!

(graphic source : luehmcandy.com)

Needed…Door Removal Services…

Evil Joy here with a post on doors, slamming of said door, and removal of said slammed door.

Eldest Female Spawn is coming upon the double-digit years – her hormones must be starting up already.  That, or she truly is my spawn.  (Yes, of course she’s my spawn, duh…)

See dinner last night was a joke.  Seriously a joke.  One long laughter filled, fart filled, burp filled, non-eaten joke.  To the point Dr. Evil and I simply gave up, finished eating and herded the spawn out the door for a bike ride/walk.  When we returned grumpy spawn sat down to do homework.

Eldest Spawn stormed to bed – he tried flexing his tween muscle with me and lost.  I will not put up with sassy comments.  And he has decided he’s a parent to all, me included.  Ummm….no way jose, you are getting the proper education in the pecking order in this household and trust me, I’m the one doing the pecking.

Then the night went down hill from there.  The female spawn finished up homework (Littlest Spawn decided her homework for preschool was learning how to tie a shoe…it was really cute…) and upstairs they were herded.  Then…..

The Evil Yelling

The Evil Crying

The Evil Screaming

all occurred.  Then……

(wait for it….)

Evil Joy came out to play.

When I went up I exclaimed, “What in the world is the issue?”

Eldest Female Spawn then sealed her fate for the night.  Littlest Spawn was smacked by her for being in her face.  Ummm…no way jose.  Then Eldest Spawn tried to defend her actions by saying Littlest Spawn was being all sassy and mean.  I corrected Littlest Spawn and sent her to her room to get pjs.  I sent Eldest Spawn to her room after she tried to again say it was okay to hit….ummmm NO WAY JOSE!

Then it happened.

The Slam.

The Evil Evil Slam.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That made me take away orchestra this morning.  That caused severe screaming and crying from a nearly 10-year-old. (Sadly I didn’t think that through – I gave back orchestra because I won’t allow her to let down the group – but she has a list of chores about a mile long to tend to tonight and one of them is …. picking up dog poop.)

I have said I would remove doors and present them at Christmas time as The Gift.  I am seriously toying with the idea of at least removing the door.

What would you do?

EJ out – to look at door hinge construction and see how difficult said removal would be….fun vs hard….ummm fun wins every time!!!

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(graphic source : http://pancakesgoneawry.blogspot.com/2012/05/slammed-doors_03.html)

Evil Phrases I Actually Used…..

So…things that make you go MMMM…or WTHeck?  Did I really just say that?!?!

Baseball lends itself to the use of many phrases I never dreamed or nightmared of using.  Taking three Female Spawn to ball parks all summer long – twice a week and all weekend – created situations in which new ‘everyday’ phrases were employed.

Here is a list of the ones I can think off the top of my head….

1. We do not touch dog butts of dogs we don’t know.

2. Do not lick the baseball.

3. Do not pee in the grass – you are a girl.

4. Yes, you can have more candy – just leave me to watch the game.

5. We don’t put sunscreen there….

6. Here – play with my iPhone so I can watch the game – never mind it’s raining and there’s cement for it to fall on.

7. YES!!!  Only 5 more hours in the heat!

8. No, you can’t marry your new best friend.

9. No!  Do not kiss your new boyfriend (said to 6 and 4 year old).

10. Let your sister be the dog for once when you play kennel.

11. Stop trying to eat the sunflower shells out of the grass – there are no seeds in there.  (Never mind they’d been in someone else’s mouth!)

12. No – we don’t lick the door handle to the bathroom.  Gross dude!

13. Put your clothing back on!  (Shouted at 6 year old who happened to be sitting next to high school couple who immediately turned 50 shades of purple.)

14. Stop cheering for your brother like that – he doesn’t want you to sing his name and then try to kiss him!!!  And if you’re going to do it – spell his name right!

And my favorite –

15.  Of course we’ll do this tomorrow – it’s great!  It’s only suppose to be 95 degrees – it’ll be way cooler!

 

Any phrases you’ve said you never imagined utterly until you had Spawn?  Let me a comment – I’d love to hear them – maybe we can compare notes!

 

EJ out – to put Spawn to bed and read a book.  And do laundry.  And fold laundry.  And put away laundry.  I live and breathe laundry.  Bawahahahahaha.

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Also, check out “Ronan” on iTunes by Taylor Swift.  Amazing.  Simply.Perfect.

Mmmeeemmmorrieeesss, Stinky, Smelly, Meeemmmorrrrieesss…

Okay.  It’s the start of the school season here.  Everyone has their best ever story and here’s mine.

The date and location : September 2005.  EP Rock Elementary School, kindergarten class room.

The players : I’m 29 years old.  Eldest Spawn is 5 years old.  Eldest Female Spawn is 2.5 years old.  Second Eldest Female Spawn (at that time, Littlest Spawn) is 3 weeks old.

The reason : K- Start.  K-Start is how our school district introduces kindergarteners (and their parents) to school.  The first three days of classes are for all students other than kindies.  During this three day period, the student and parents have a chance to come to the room and meet the teacher for 15-30 minutes one on one.  It’s actually pretty cool.  Added bonus – all the busing craziness gets figured out the first three days so by the time the kindies are riding – everyone else is an expert.

We received a letter stressing the importance of being on time to this meeting.  Well….yeah…ummmmm…we returned from a weekend stay with Dr. Evil 4 hours away (he was on business – we crashed the party and swam in the pool – and I had help with the two others as I recovering from my third c-section) directly to this meeting.  After running through our favorite fast food joint.  With Eldest Spawn wearing flip-flops.

10 minutes late.

Crapola.  Already a check mark next to my spawn’s my name.

And we weren’t suppose to bring siblings.  Well….yeah….ummmm…..I was flying solo and wasn’t about to leave my 3 week old baby away from my nursing ta-tas.

So in we walk, 10 minutes late, my whole crew.  Eldest Female Spawn has to use the bathroom.  Luckily it is in the room.  Then she told me she had to go again.  Now you have to understand – this Eldest Female Spawn – even at 2.5 years old – was stubborn as a mule.  She had the bladder of a camel.  Could hold it for hours…and I’m NOT exaggerating.  So I more or less ignored her.

We were told how important healthy food were – Eldest Spawn revealed our nugget and fries lunch…and pizza dinner…and all the convenience foods that come after having a baby.  Not mentioning how when we would go to fast food Evil Joy (just Mom then) would bring along green beans and fruit to add to the treat meal.  By now, Eldest Female Spawn is really complaining of needing to use the bathroom again and I’m ignoring her even more…trying to impress the teacher with my focus in the middle of the chaos my spawn were creating.

We were instructed to not wear flip-flops to school – safety concern.  Oooops.  He was wearing flip-flops now.  Man….I was so nervous.  Don’t forget how much of a rule follower I am – finding out rules I’m breaking after the fact is a cause for stomach cramps.

Then…the smell.

Oh.My.Word.

The stench.  In several areas of the room.  In the kitchen center.  The reading center.  The doll center.  The block center.

Oh.My.Word.

The smell emanating from my Eldest Female Spawn made me gag.  I nearly vomited all over the floor.

She wasn’t kidding.  She did have to go.  Diarrhea all over the freaking place.  And not just a little squirt here and there.  I mean an atom bomb went off in each of those centers.  The smell was overwhelming.

I quickly put her in the bathroom and made Eldest Spawn guard her.  By then the next parent was scheduled to start.  The teacher started and the four of us huddled together trying to figure out what to do.

Clorox wipes.  Okay.  I can use those.  Jumbo sized.  An entire container.

I quickly ran around the room trying to clean each center.  Trying to remember the order the teacher showed us the centers in so I could hit the first one first and try to get the smell under control.  Gagging and coughing the whole time….I have the world’s weakest stomach.  The jumbo container only had one wipe left.  I swiped another container.  Continued my frantic wiping up.  Littlest Spawn started crying.  She was needing the ta-tas.  I was covered in poo.

Oh.My.Word.

We got it all cleaned up.  I snagged the Target bag I brought the supplies in and was using it for garbage as I went through the wipes.  I took it with me as I sprinted from the room with my Spawn in tow – except Eldest Female Spawn.  I carried her so no more poo would hit the floor and leave a stench trail.

We got to the van.  The only thing I could wipe her down with …. nursing pads.  Seeing as I was already covered in poo there was no way I was nursing until I showered.  So…nursing pads were surrendered in order to save the van from the Evil Overwhelming Stench.  We got home.  I bathed Eldest Female Spawn and myself.  Fed Littlest Spawn.

Then called my Mommy to cry about my first day at kindergarten.

We’ve since had this teacher two additional times.  We love her to pieces.  She never mentioned a word of the disaster that was my first K-Start meeting with her.  Amazing Woman.  I have begged her to not retire before the end of the 2014 so Littlest Spawn will have the chance to have her as a teacher.

Got any stories to share?  Come on – I know you do…leave me a comment with your story – I’d love to hear from you.

EJ out – to play with some Spawn.

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Catch For A Cure…

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to return to a slow pitch tournament I played in last year – was a little worried because as I’ve mentioned before…I sort of suck at ball.  (But to toot my own horn – I did waaaayyyy better this year than last!!!)

Catch For A Cure in Baraboo, Wisconsin.

 

Dr. Evil, being the Wonderful Evil Genius he is, towed the RV, we packed in the Spawn and had an amazing time.  Lots of fun ball – fun batting – fun drinking – fun jello shots (thinking that doesn’t fall under drinking since you have to sort of eat them…at least slurp them up).  But it rocked because….

the money raised supports women in the fight for the lives from breast cancer.  Supports the survivors.  Supports the research for a cure.

And supports all other cancers as well – I can’t even list all the types of cancer shown there  – childhood – leukemia – the list was incredible.

Women shared their stories.  Their lives with us.

Now…most all of these women and men grew up in the area together.  Some have moved away, others stayed.  Being allowed to be part of this was the coolest thing.  I’m a stranger to these women yet they welcomed me back with open arms.  Amazing.  I have never felt so included in a group in my life.

And a bonus – it was Amy’s friends and we talked Deb into coming….  And I have a feeling we’ll all be back next Labor Day to once again Catch For a Cure.

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And besides – where else can you wear shirts saying things like :

  • For Tits and Giggles
  • Big or Small, Save them ALL
  • Boo-Bees
  • Wanna Squeeze My Rack?
  • A Smoosh a Day Keeps the Doctor at Bay

….and not get smacked by everyone who sees you!  It was awesome!  Next year will we take part in all activities as I’m envisioning a spawn-free, adults only, hotel staying weekend.  (Just putting it out there Dr. Evil – something to consider……start racking up those hotel points…..)

EJ out – to write another post – it is the first day of school after all.

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