Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: parenting (page 2 of 6)

Evil Toys are Taking Control….

A while back I wrote about our doll houses inspired by a  post from The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.  (And she’s a part of that new book all the cool kids are getting “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”)

Here’s a small recap of that…..through pictures….

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Y’all remember Evil Scary Baby Girl/Boy right?  She gave several of you nightmares…..

Well…they’re BAAACCCCKKKKKKKK!

And now…the Evil Spawn of the Doll House are ruling the world….Muwahahahahah!

Breaking New in the Lair of Evil Joy….beep beep beep …. you know…the sound of breaking news…….

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As you can see the spawn have gathered.  With their nanny.  And with the newly brain washed toys joining their Evil Little Posse.  I believe Evil Scary American Girl Doll is in charge.  I’m sure as hell not about to question her authority.

The Fairy God Mothers are currently trapped on a partition of the roof.  Their magic powers are inactive from this part of the roof.  They are helpless to stop what is happening in the main house.

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All animals have been banished to the actual roof.  Although they’d support the Evil Spawn I’m sure.  Probably just making sure they don’t go all zombie and eat the … wait…..you’ll have to read about that….  I’m certain the Evil Spawn will offer them food and water later.  The Evil Spawn don’t seem the type to let them bake to death in the sun.  Hello Kitty and the Easter Bunny seem pretty agile so if they do get trapped, I’m sure all will be rescued.  Plus, Littlest Spawn is an animal lover.

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The following pictures may be disturbing to some of my readers.  Parental guidance is required.

The carnage may only be properly described with pictures….Daddy #1 fought the hardest….he was the first to go over….

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After Daddy #1 was out of the way, all of the parental figures were ‘dealt with’ in a similar manner…..

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Take note of Pinkilicious cheering – she’s an Evil Little Bag.  And the toddlers are full of happy “I tossed my parents over the railing” smiles.  I’m fairly certain Evil American Girl Doll’s hair grows more poofy with each kill.

So watch out parental figure dolls.  You’ve seen what can happen with the spawn rule the doll house.

Just in case you’re wondering…Littlest Spawn and I had a belly busting laughing time tossing those parents over the edge.  Then the Little People ambulance came to rescue them…and bury them in the doll box.  Never to be heard from again.  Until she wants to play with them.

EJ out – to borrow Eldest Spawn’s snowboard without his permission.  We have fresh powder….can’t miss this opportunity!  My board is unavailable at this time so…..lucky for me he’s about the same height as me!!!!  His stance is wider, but I’ll live…and have fun!  Bawahahaha!

Take a minute and help me out!  Evil Joy has slipped to #34 in the Humor Blogs category – #34!!?!?!?!?!?  I was in the top 10 for a long time.  I need to get back there.  I want to get back…Please help me get back there!!!  Click on the flashing banner below.  I’m going to put the juggling lady back because it seems more IN YOUR FACE PLEASE VOTE FOR ME than the flashing banner.  Look for her return.  But in the mean time, click THE BANNER!  PLEASE!!!

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How I got my Spawn Kicked out of …..

Her Girl Scout troop.  Yes….this did happen.  Yes….I’m pissed.  Yes….I’m glad she’s no longer in this troop.  And Yes….I think it’s sort of funny….giggle giggle funny.

So a couple of years ago I found out a troop was forming in our school.  I sort of begged to get Second Eldest Female Spawn into this troop.  Eldest Female Spawn is in a kick-ass troop – super organized and – understanding – of my….let’s say…my inability to meet every deadline or assignment target with her..troop.  Based on my previous (and current) experience with Eldest Female Spawn (EFS) – I was sort of psyched to get Second Eldest Female Spawn (SEFS) involved.

Meeting times weren’t the best for me but as I didn’t have time to give to the group, I didn’t say anything.  I refuse to complain about something I am unable to help with.  If I had time I would be there and ready to help out!  Problem is I have two older spawn and one littler spawn…and a traveling Dr. Evil.  And 2 dogs.  And a partridge in a pear tree.

We made the meetings we could.  We did what we could.  We missed a lot of stuff.

Then Dr. Evil got sick.  One of the awesome moms just took over driving SEFS to and from meetings and took care of stuff.  The girls sold cookies and put one in her name so she could get a patch.  We bridged to Brownies.  She had a great time at Bridging.  I so didn’t fit in with the other moms…..oh well…it’s not about me…it’s for her.

Fast forward.  I sent in the registration form to the National place or whatever vs doing it locally because …we….missed that meeting.  Fall softball took precedence.  A leader thought I hadn’t registered took me off emails.  I told her I had and she confirmed with the higher powers that be and included me once again.

Another email came out.  Then another.  I don’t remember these emails.  I am guilty of not reading my mail often – I get like 100 messages a day.  I sometimes don’t log on.  I sometimes pretend I don’t have email and don’t look at it for days.  Or I look for the ones from the school…and the bank…and that’s it.  (and now for the ones from eviljoyspeaks@gmail.com).  I knew cookie time was approaching.

Then I got the email.  The one that said I was being a mean person if I thought I could not respond to emails or attend meetings and take cookies from another girl who did respond and mess with their goal.  If only I’d taken the time to read the emails.  Blah Blah Blah.

I.Was.Pissed.

I was informed the people running and Involved in the troop were making it a success.  I should look for another troop for my spawn to be a part of.

I calmly replied….while biting my tongue off.  “I would NEVER expect to take cookies from another child.  I am obviously too busy to be a part of this for my daughter.  Please remove us from all mailing lists and correspondences.”

I received a “thanks for understanding” reply.

Then…I lost it and sent the scathing email I was thinking about sending the first time.   Probably not my best moment…..

I had to tell SEFS she is no longer apart of her troop.  I told in her no uncertain terms it was not her fault, but mine.  I told her we can find a new troop.  I have spoken with EFS (and her leaders) and she said she’d love for SEFS to come to a meeting with her so she feels included.  EFS even suggested – before I said a word – SEFS should come with her to sell cookies so she would be happy.  SEFS was completely fine with all of this.  Which – in and of itself – speaks volumes to me.

Overall, I am happy with the outcome of this situation.  The leadership displayed – kicking a kid out of a freaking Girl Scout troop – is not something I want my daughter to model.  The leader was valid in her points about my lack of participation.  I openly admit that.  I am busy.  I am a mom.  I have to make decisions about which things are more important when I am running our lair on my own.  I am the only one able to drive.  Four Spawn.  Eldest Spawn’s activities have a slightly heavier weight if they are school related as he’s approaching high school in a couple of years.

But really – who gets kicked out of Girl Scouts?  (ummmm…I got kicked out of Blue Birds for setting a mini fire in the garbage can when I was 8 at summer camp with my friend Becky……she was doomed from the start via genetics.)

We Do ! We Do !

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Who? Me?

EJ out – to find another troop for SEFS!

Take a minute and click on the blinking banner below – doing so will cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’ve fallen waaaaay off in the running!  Help me climb back up the ranks in the Humor Blog category.

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And thanks to Anna Sandler for the idea to write this post.  Twitter @Anna_Sandler.

Those nuts are okay…..

Evil Joy here with a post on the strangeness that is our world.

So Eldest Female Spawn used to get hives all the time.  We tried to figure out what it was.  Nothing yielded results.  But when I told our doctor about where she got the hives – on her face, outside her throat and down the tops of her shoulders, she suggested having her tested for nut allergies.

Fortunately that test came back inconclusive.  We know peanuts are not the enemy.  Neither are pistachios.

However….when she’s eaten walnuts or pecans – she gets hives.  And on her face and neck.  The concern is if they are on the outside – are they on the inside too?  And if each exposure results in a stronger reaction from her will it cause to throat to swell?

So….

Some tree nuts but not others?  Is this possible?  WTHeck?!?!

Okay…that’s super easy to manage.  No pecans or walnuts just to be safe.  And if she gets some – I have benedryl – in the car, in the truck, in my purse, in my gym bag, at the school office.

However Eldest Female Spawn likes to constantly question us whether or not she is allowed to have peanuts.  She’s 10.  She knows to ask before she eats banana bread or cookies with nuts.  Dude.  You eat PBJ all the time.  You can have peanut butter.  She asks at the store, she asks at restaurants.  She asks and acts very concern with that look.

The Evil Look that says, “I’m asking you a question I know the answer to.  I know it’s a silly question because I know the answer.  I know it’s a silly question because you as my mama aren’t going to intentionally feed me anything I shouldn’t have.  But I’m asking it to get your attention.  I’m asking it loudly.  In public.  Often.”

So I sound like the Evil Horrible Mom exclaiming, “You know which tree nuts you can’t have.  You know you can have peanut butter and Nutella.  You know how to read ingredients if you’re at a friend’s house and not sure.  Stop with the DRAMA!”

To which the pissy lady at Target says, “You should be happy she’s looking into these things and taking it so seriously.  With all the allergies these days, you can’t be too safe.”

Stuff It pissy lady at Target.  Seriously.  Stuff It.

Eldest Female Spawn gives me that triumphant look – you know the look.  The one that says, “Haha mama, see …. I’m right …. and an adult neither of us knows or will ever see again just validated everything I’m thinking.  And you know the next time I’m going ask again.  In Target.  Loudly.”

So…listen here Eldest Female Spawn, walnuts and pecans.

You.Shall.Not.Meet.  Those nuts Shall.Not.Pass.Your.Lips.

And if you do meet….I have benedryl to combat your arse.

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EJ out – to check the expiration date on the benedryl.

Keep the hives away.  Vote for me at TMB by clicking on the juggling lady.  You can vote once a day.  Thanks!

(graphic source : agfoodsafety.org)

I’m stuck … literally….

Evil Joy here with a post on hot glue.  Hot glue guns and my skin.  And the school ‘requiring’ it all….

So…WTHeck people?  Why are my Spawn coming home and freaking out about the sock hop the school is having.

Female Spawn of my Lair : Did ya know there’s a Sock Hop from 6-8?  Did ya, Did ya?  And hey Mom – why don’t you whip out some poodle skirts for us?  In my favorite color too if you can pull that off.  If not, I’ll say it’s okay, but I’ll be really sad and mention it after you spend 5 hours making the skirts….(And God Forbid I make only two skirts…three definitely required and I volunteered for the other two…glutton for punishment?)

Me : Sure honeys….let me get right on that.  Never mind I’m trying to pack for a trip for myself, 4 spawn, and remind one Dr. Evil that he actually has to pack matching clothes.  And then pack for the transition days where the spawn are back here with family and then out again before coming back again when we’re home.  Oh yeah and since I’m psycho – the house has to be clean, the laundry done, and the carpets steamed before we go.  (I got the steaming done today – yay me!)

Second Eldest Female Spawn : Mom – don’t forget about me being a Dalmatian in the program you’re going to miss.  I’m okay with you missing it but I’ll mention it in passing or write a story or twelve about it at school just to let you know I’m actually pissed you’re missing it.

But since I’m a good mom…I got it all done.  Not all done – just the stuff they ‘need’  … and I put my best skin in it – literally – I think I burned all the skin off my finger tips making the Dalmatian and I sewed over one fingernail making the skirts.  And when I was searing the edges of the fabric for the Evil Required Mentioned A Million Times Neck Scarfs and Hair Ties That Have to Match the Poodle Skirts I burned the Evil Crap out of my thumb.  Evil Weenie Wounds.  (Weenie Wounds are owwies that hurt like Hell but no one cares about them.)  Do I have a choir of teeny tiny violins playing for me out there?  (Bite me by the way ….)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EJ out – to nurse my wounds.

Help me heal by clicking on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  Thanks so much for the healing click.  You may have saved a layer of my skin.

Shots…or shoot me now….

Evil Joy here with a post on flu prevention.  Flu prevention and my Female Spawn.  Flu prevention, my Female Spawn, and the knowledge I’m going to need a stiff drink tonight.

So today is check up day for Eldest Female Spawn and Second Eldest Female Spawn.  And at yearly checkups, flu shots will be dispensed.

Crapola.

Last year Second Eldest Female Spawn managed to bite my finger (and no, I don’t know how my finger got near her mouth – it was all a blur).  Then she giggled and said – that wasn’t so bad.  Littlest Spawn kicked the nurse when she got her shot – not on purpose – just a reflex (ummmm….at least I hope that’s what it was) and didn’t shed a tear.  She just looked at the lady like, “You Suck.”  Then asked for her sticker.

Then…..there’s Eldest Female Spawn.  She turned 10 on Wednesday.  10 people.  10 years old.  Last year, she got her checkup, bawled through it because she knew there was a shot coming.  My at the time 6 year and 3 year old told her to “suck it up.”

The time had come.  For The Shot.  The Evil Shot.  In the arm.  Not the eyeball as her screams would lead you to believe.

Followed by another Evil Scream, the Evil Tears, the Evil Snot.  And the Evil Sobs.  Evil Sobs that continued for …. wait for it …. 2 HOURS!  2 HOURS – seriously – 2 HOURS.  She asked if she could be carried or wheeled in a wheel chair to the car.  And requested being excused from gym that day as well.  Yeah..no.

Shoot. Me. Now.

At least this time she isn’t crying yet.  She knows it’s coming.  I don’t surprise them or lie.  It’s all out there.  The little two are already telling her to “suck it up.”  (I think I need to find a slightly less offensive phrase to use with my spawn….)

So…if you don’t hear from me again it’s due to the flu shot.  The Evil Flu Shot and Eldest Female Spawn’s reaction.  And my incarceration.  For dealing with said spawn’s emotional ridiculous outburst.

I hope I get to report back that she was fine and the tears were held to a minimum.  But I’m not holding my breath.  She’s getting nervous already.  (And yes, I’m a compassionate mom and told her it’ll be alright….about 10 times then I turn into Evil Evil Evil Extra Evil Joy.)

 

Do your spawn react in a crazy manner to the doctor?  What do you do about it?

 

EJ out – to mediate so I’m calm when she’s stoking the Evil Sobs.

 

Take a minute and send me a calming vote over at the Top Mommy Blogs.  Click on the Juggling Lady at the upper right.  If you’re using a mobile device to read this – go to the “view the full site” link, click on it and then look for the Juggling Lady.  She may be at the bottom (if you’re using the mobile device…or in other words…a cell phone!)

 

(graphic source: blog.thepandaseffect.com)

Two in Double Digits….

 

Evil Joy here with a post on Election Day….or as it’s known in our house…Eldest Female Spawn’s Birthday EVE.

Tomorrow…I will have two spawn in double digits.  She’s going to be 10.  WTHeck?  When did that happen?

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She may be the one who gives me a reason to post some days…but she is so very special to me.  Eldest Female Spawn has the biggest heart, the kindest soul, and the sweetest hugs of anyone I know.  I am blessed to have her in my life.

Evil Awesome Amy came over bearing chocolate sugar cookies in the shape of horses for us to decorate.  I added my attempt at flowers….together we ended up with….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EJ out – to check on Eldest Female Spawn – really – just to watch her sleep – she’s so very peaceful when she rests…..

 

Take a minute and share the happiness….Click on the Top Mommy Blogs Juggling Lady icon on the right side of the page.  One click is all it takes.  If you’re reading this not on the site, you have to visit my blog page to vote.  Thanks!!!!

The Evil is Spreading….

No…not like that – there will never be more human babies begotten of this Evil Joy.

However when Dr. Evil puts the two little female spawn to bed…….

 

the dolls in the window multiply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thhhheeeyyyy’rrrrreeee  watching yyyyoooouuuuuuu.

 

EJ out – to ensure they don’t come to life and actually clean the spawn’s room while I’m away.  Cause if they did that – they could come to life – it’d be okay with me.  Seriously.

Take a minute and share the Evil Joy Love and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon at the upper right.  By doing so you cast a vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs.  I really do appreciate it.  Thanks!

That Evil Siren….Evil Halloween Candy

It calls to me.  At 2 am.

Actually…that was Burton Puppy and the spawn were starting to stir from their diabetic induced sleep so I rescued him…(and myself – four spawn up at 2 am – shoot me now….).

There it was.  The four LARGE bags of miniature magic little pieces of heaven.  On the kitchen table.  With no one around.

I took one piece.  Oh…it’s okay…the two with braces can’t eat this Baby Ruth anyways….it’s only one.  And sugar will make me sleepy.  yeah…yeah…

The chocolate sang its song and I was sucked into the melody.

One more piece the lyrics went.  Just one more….

Until I woke up at 6am to my spawn saying, “Who ate my Baby Ruth!?  I was saving that until my braces are off.”

Ummmmmm….damn.  I am forced to fess up because…I can’t come up with an acceptable lie.

“I think Dad ate some before bed last night.”

 

EJ out – to put on ear muffs to silence the Evil Siren Candy.

 

Take a minute and offer support for this candy addict and click on the top mommy blogs juggling lady there in the corner.  I’ve dropped out of the top 10 humor blogs.  WaaaahhhhH!  I want back in.  Help me!!

(graphic source : luehmcandy.com)

Because I Want To…

Every time I load photos for this blog, I see some of my favorite pictures.  I decided you all need to see them too.  The earlier years…..Here goes….

 

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I know there’s a lot – but hey – it’s my blog….

Enjoy your day – make it the best day you can.

 

EJ out – to play with my spawn.
Take a minute and click on the Top Mommy Blogs Icon – it’s the lady juggling up there in the corner….by doing so it casts a vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs…I’ve fallen out of the top 10 humor blogs…help me get back where I  belong.  Thanks!!!

Max and Ruby Give Me a Break…

Yup – that would be Max and Ruby give me a break, not Max and Ruby, Give me a Break.

Yup Littlest Spawn is in severe Mommy Mode.  Like can’t be in a different room.  Or a different body bubble.  Must be touching me.  At all times.  Man – I’d love to go to the bathroom alone.

Normally, she’s not a Max and Ruby gal.  And by the way – where the hell are their parents?

Okay….my break is over.  She’s a needin’ me again.

 

EJ out – to cuddle with the cutest 4 year old spawn there is.

Take a minute a throw me some love – cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs by clicking on the lady juggling in the upper right corner.  Thanks!

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