Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: parenting (page 3 of 6)

Homework…Spawn Style

Evil Joy here with a post on homework, my spawn, concentration, Monday mornings….and keeping Evil Joy at bay.

So Eldest Female Spawn and Second Eldest Female Spawn conveniently forgot they had homework.  I say conveniently because the look on their sweet little faces when they told me they had work to do this morning was one of “I’m trying super hard to look innocent but knowing I’m lying about not knowing about this work is shining through my lying lips very brightly.”

Second Eldest Female Spawn came down – was reminded of the homework and sheepishly (and sleepily) sat at the kitchen table to do it with me.  Done.  Then it was time to convince her to take a shower.  After Dr. Evil and I both telling her she smelled like farts, she headed up to shower.  She didn’t really smell like farts, but something Evil Akin to it.

Then…there’s Eldest Female Spawn.  I seem to be odds with her more than I’d like these days.  Homework is a particularly tough area to contend with.  I think we are so Evil Alike we meet boiling point at the same time.  The mere mention of homework sends her into an Evil Tizzy.  Which I try very very very hard to show no emotion toward.  Simply calm.  Deep breaths, count to 10 (or 1,000,000) and redirect.  Over and Evil Over and EVIL Over again.







She has currently been working on six math problems that should take approximately 6 -8 minutes total to complete.  We’re going on 20.  With two to go.


Let me remind you, as I do often, I have a degree in Applied MATHEMATICS.  The various ways of addition, lattice, column method…etc…I don’t remember all that Evil Crap.  I love math for the logic of it.  I know my addition and multiplication and all that jazz because we were forced (happily) to memorize the crap out of our facts.  I work with my Spawn on this.  They are getting it.  But it was beat into us.  No hesitation was allowed.

Okay.  Done.  I just can’t understand or figure a way to explain to her to leave the emotion at the door and do the work.  The work must be done anyways, so get to it, move on and enjoy the rest of the morning, day, evening…whatever.  Every EVIL FREAKING DAY it’s the same drama over homework.  Makes me want to add more just to show her it’s good and fun.  They like to play school – why can’t she pretend she’s teaching school and showing the class how to do her work?!


Do you have homework challenges?  How do you deal with them?


EJ out – to redirect again…this time concerning flossing the braced teeth….and not getting to play with her craft stuff.   Yikes…..when does the bus come?!

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(graphic source :http://memegenerator.net/instance/16115334)

Evil Decorations….

Evil Joy here with a post on decorations.  Evvvviiillll Decorations.  And not just because they’re Halloween decorations.

So I was being sort of lazy today and Dr. Evil suggested loud enough for the spawn to hear that I get out the Halloween decorations.  So…downstairs to the utility room we went.  Now I’m a little anal and have all the holiday decorations in totes – labeled for each holiday – well Christmas has 12+ totes, Halloween has 2 totes…heck even St. Pats has its own tote.

I got a little panicky. I haven’t decorated since Christmas last year.  And in the middle of day 1 of decorating, Dr. Evil got sick (you can read about the mess there…)  And I left everything all over the Evil Freaking Place.

But….in normal Joy/Evil Joy style, I pushed through.  The piles of crap in my way that is. And we got out the two totes plus the Evil Crap that didn’t fit into the totes last year.

Spawn were super excited to find the costumes I bought last year…remember I’m Evil Cheapskate #1?!  Yup – they fit.  Sweeeeet.  Eldest Female Spawn decided to try them all on – even ones not belonging to her.  And then some of the dress up clothes too…..








Then Dr. Evil found this from last year…

And was inspired to create this…

in the stairway leading downstairs.

Even Burton Puppy and Shadow were humiliated got in on the fun.

So…the Evil Decorations are out.  I’m back on track as crazy lady who decorates for everything.


EJ out – to clean up the mess from the Burton Puppy attacking the Halloween garland.

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Scary Family….

Evil Joy here with a post on playtime, Littlest Spawn, and my strange thoughts that come out of playtime with Littlest Spawn.

So…I read The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva with a crazy passion.  I. Love. Her.  I. Love. Her. Blog.

I’m slightly obsessed.  I found her shortly before Dr. Evil was created and she literally saved my sanity on a regular basis while he was in the hospital and not aware he was in the hospital (i.e. in a coma).  And now…I just love her.  Always have.  Just can’t stay away from her blog – even if there’s not a new post – I go there and check out to see if Anything has changed or been updated.  You should check her out too – and she was just on Dr. Oz – how freaking Evil Awesome is that?!

So…now and again she has these posts with pictures of things her spawn have done with their toys.  These pictures are the inspiration for my post today.

Littlest Spawn and I were playing with the doll houses in her room.  Yes, two doll houses.  One intended for children, borrowed from my sister-in-law years ago (yes, we still have it and will someday return it – I promise J!).  The other was a gift from a co-work of Dr. Evil’s.  His children had outgrown it and Evil Awesome Co-Worker Dude thought our spawn would like it.  Well – they love them both!!!  And all of the pieces, especially the ones from Evil Awesome Co-Worker Dude.  There are hundreds, literally HUNDREDS of pieces – from a full, magnetized chess set, pots and pans, food of all shapes and sizes, to dolls.

LS and I decided we needed to line up all the people and figure out what the family looked like.  The pets were banished to the roof during “family pictures.”

And because I can only play with toys for so long I started making up a story – in my head – I don’t need Littlest Spawn going to preschool talking about….

The Polygamist Family and their children who live with a nanny and possessed baby, newlywed Little People and their friend, and all American Girl doll…all watched over by their Fairy God Mother.  Now other than the Possessed Baby and the Fairy God Mother – all of the names remained in my Evil Head.  I don’t want to permanently scar Littlest Spawn.  Or get myself in trouble with what would surely come out of her mouth at inopportune times.

Then there’s the animal family – Littlest Spawn kept offing them by having their arms broken and eaten by the Daddy or the Snow Monster Bear.  The SM Bear thought the bunny was tasty and the sparkly kitty was icky because it was girly and ‘gritty.’  Daddy got sick of the puppies pooping on the floor and kept flinging them out the window.

Should I be worried? Ummmm……

We did spend a rather large amount of time talking about Possessed Baby.

Littlest Spawn said, “Mom – she looks like a she with hair and a boy with no hair.  We can pretend she’s both a boy and a girl.  ‘Kay?”

Why sure Littlest Spawn.  We need not worry about gender confusion or gender identity at the ripe age of four.  I ran with it.

But you have to admit – that is one messed up baby doll – one eyebrow, one eye of makeup, half a head of hair, legs that bend the wrong way….not a lot going for her/him.

Do you play with your spawn’s toys?  Do you stay on task and focused or does your mind wander like my Evil Wandering Mind?  Have to keep it interesting…..

EJ out – to find a new image to think about so I don’t have nightmares about Messed Up Possessed Evil Baby Doll chasing me down and giving me a matching haircut in my dreams.

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Art…in Explaining…Art

Evil Joy here with a post on explanations.

So Littlest Spawn is all about making stuff right now.   Craft central – here – at school – at the Y – at friends’ homes.  Everywhere.

And seeing as she’s only 4 (but nearing the Evil 5 Year Mark), many times when she shows me her work our conversation goes as such :

LS : “MOM!  Look at this!  See what I did!?!?”

Me : “Wonderful – that’s really cool!  Tell me about it.”

Now – the “Tell me about it.”  This is every parent’s best friend phrase when it comes to art work.  It’s the out when you have absolutely No Evil Idea What the Heck They Poured Their Heart and Soul Into and Will Be Crushed If They Realize You Have No Idea What the Heck It Is.  You don’t say, “What a pretty puppy!”  That is then met with tears and, “It’s not a puppy, it’s a picture of the moon with flowers and you and me going for a walk in the sunset of the moon.  With Diamonds.  And Gold.  And you’re the perfect Mom in my picture.”

And in this case – the “Tell me about it” statement kept me from going in the Evil WRONG direction…..

Ummmmm…Tell Me About This……


LS: “Mom – Mom!  It’s a lollipop!  See – it’s the rainbow kind.  See the swirls?!”

Me: “Oh – that’s great – why is upside down?”

LS: “Oh – I just felt like eating this end first.”

Me: “Ummm.  Okay.  That’s a great lollipop!  Let’s put it this way over here for Daddy to see.”

LS: “NO!  You have it upside down!  I’ll put it for Daddy to see this way!  OK?!”

Me: “Sure.  Let’s go play a game.  No more art for today.”


EJ out – to make sure no more phallic art is being created.

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Let the Battles Begin….

Evil Joy here with a post on living in Wisconsin, the approaching weather, and the WORLD’S MOST STUBBORN SPAWN.

So, overnight we’ve gone from 80 degrees, warm and sunny….to windy as all get out (currently consistent at 23 mph) and the high for today…51.  51 degrees.  (However I’ll take it – I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE <3 my sweatshirt collection – it is vast and wide….bawhahahahaha!)

I’m anticipating a replay of last year.  Eldest Spawn didn’t wear a coat or sweatshirt of any kind until I made him when it broke below 30 degrees.  Nada.  Nothing.  Well, not nothing, just no jacket.  But when it got so cold I put my foot down and his jacket on him.  I’m sure it was off before the bus stop, but at least he had it with him….

Update : Breaking Evil News : Amazed Evil Joy’s Post in Jeopardy Mid Post by Compliant Spawn….WTHeck?!

Eldest Spawn just requested jeans.  Jeans.  JEANS!  He doesn’t like jeans.  He wears shorts all winter long.  Jeans.  Evil Joy is Evil Giddy with happiness.  But I’m playing it cool – sorry bud – no clean jeans today but there’s clean running pants…hey dude, that’s sweet, all good, cool.  Yeah..there’s running pants.  (Doing my best impression of a12 yr old boy at 6am).

Well, then what now you may ask?  I’ll tell you what.

The Female Spawn.

I’ve written before about how my Female Spawn like to wear as little as possible…..hence the lovely post Nakey Butt……but as the seasons shift here in the tundra, transition to shoes with socks, pants with legs, and sweatshirts is Evil Taxing on my Female Spawn.  They love their summer dresses, flip flops, shorts, and tank tops.  Well, guess what?  You can still love them just with layers upon layers underneath them.







Until next week, when it will miraculously be 80 degrees again and I’ll have to pull back out some summer clothes.


EJ out – to take advantage of Eldest Spawn wanting a sweatshirt IN ADDITION to jeans (he found some clean ones – miracle considering he owns all of two pairs….).

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Needed…Door Removal Services…

Evil Joy here with a post on doors, slamming of said door, and removal of said slammed door.

Eldest Female Spawn is coming upon the double-digit years – her hormones must be starting up already.  That, or she truly is my spawn.  (Yes, of course she’s my spawn, duh…)

See dinner last night was a joke.  Seriously a joke.  One long laughter filled, fart filled, burp filled, non-eaten joke.  To the point Dr. Evil and I simply gave up, finished eating and herded the spawn out the door for a bike ride/walk.  When we returned grumpy spawn sat down to do homework.

Eldest Spawn stormed to bed – he tried flexing his tween muscle with me and lost.  I will not put up with sassy comments.  And he has decided he’s a parent to all, me included.  Ummm….no way jose, you are getting the proper education in the pecking order in this household and trust me, I’m the one doing the pecking.

Then the night went down hill from there.  The female spawn finished up homework (Littlest Spawn decided her homework for preschool was learning how to tie a shoe…it was really cute…) and upstairs they were herded.  Then…..

The Evil Yelling

The Evil Crying

The Evil Screaming

all occurred.  Then……

(wait for it….)

Evil Joy came out to play.

When I went up I exclaimed, “What in the world is the issue?”

Eldest Female Spawn then sealed her fate for the night.  Littlest Spawn was smacked by her for being in her face.  Ummm…no way jose.  Then Eldest Spawn tried to defend her actions by saying Littlest Spawn was being all sassy and mean.  I corrected Littlest Spawn and sent her to her room to get pjs.  I sent Eldest Spawn to her room after she tried to again say it was okay to hit….ummmm NO WAY JOSE!

Then it happened.

The Slam.

The Evil Evil Slam.







That made me take away orchestra this morning.  That caused severe screaming and crying from a nearly 10-year-old. (Sadly I didn’t think that through – I gave back orchestra because I won’t allow her to let down the group – but she has a list of chores about a mile long to tend to tonight and one of them is …. picking up dog poop.)

I have said I would remove doors and present them at Christmas time as The Gift.  I am seriously toying with the idea of at least removing the door.

What would you do?

EJ out – to look at door hinge construction and see how difficult said removal would be….fun vs hard….ummm fun wins every time!!!

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(graphic source : http://pancakesgoneawry.blogspot.com/2012/05/slammed-doors_03.html)

Who Killed This Chicken?

Evil Joy here with a post on the comments from a 4 year’s old mouth and my lack on imagination when it comes to answering said questions.

So Littlest Spawn is helping me prepare dinner after a long (but good) day at preschool.  Out of nowhere….

LS : “Mom, I really feel bad for this chicken.  I don’t think I’ll feel good about eating dinner tonight.”

Me : “Why do you feel that way?”

LS : “The chicken.  It got killed.  Who killed it?  Do they eat chicken?  Or did we just get it from the store?  It’s not a real chicken right – like with feathers and stuff?”

Me : “Yes.  This was a real chicken with feathers and legs and a beak.  It was killed and prepared so we could eat it.  Circle of life honey.”

LS : “Does that mean someone is going to eat me?!?”

Me : In lieu of the statement I wanted to make “Well – if dinosaurs were out there or if you get lost in a jungle, yes, honey someone may well eat you.”  I instead said, “No sweetheart.  No one is going to eat you.”

She was still really perplexed by the whole thing.  Wanted to know exactly how the chicken died, where it lived before that, and why it decided to become dinner.  Why did the chicken decide to die?

She may have been perplexed, but she was hungry too.  As she was shredding the meat for chicken noodle soup, she kept eating it.

I called her out on it and made her wash her hands anytime she touched her mouth.

LS : “But Mom, he wanted to eaten right?  I’m doing my best to make him happy.  And I’m hungry.”

Good point Littlest Spawn, good point.

EJ (aka Chicken Murderer Supporter) out – to fill out forms about Spawn – I wish there was a place we could send everyone to where the info they wanted was safely stored – like Data Warehousing For Parents…..

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(graphic source :http://clclt.com/theclog/archives/2012/02/10/playing-chicken-two-political-foes-become-allies-imagine-that,http://www.finecooking.com/item/9392/five-tips-for-the-perfect-roast-chicken)

Nakey Butt…..

Another blast from the past…..


So we move to Hudson.  Dr. Evil goes on travel to China.  A lot.  I get pregnant AGAIN.  (Just got over the miscarriage – and this one shows up – swear to my death she’s my immaculate conception…)  Eldest Spawn is 4 and attending preschool.  Eldest Female Spawn is 2 and sooo a handful.  She does not like clothing.  On her body.



I make her wear unders because quite frankly, I don’t want nakey butt on my furniture, carpet, car, bike seat, swing…anywhere.  Gross.

Winter approaches.  We’ve been following the advice of the pediatrician who said, “As long as she’s not going to be injured, ie frost bite, let her figure it out.  She’ll get cold enough one day and wear clothing.”  Dr. Evil and I hadn’t even introduced the idea of winter coats…it’s Wisconsin for crying out loud – colder than snot too.

Day in and day out she wears this one princess nightgown given to her by my brother (you know it’s my sister-in-law who got it….).   I literally would take it off of her when she was asleep and wash it, dry it and lay it next to her in the morning.


Uncle Goofball teaching Eldest Female Spawn his special face moves….

And before you say it – you have to understand – this is the same spawn who could make herself puke when she didn’t want to be somewhere…and did so often.  Very often.  Probably twice in every restaurant in Hudson.  Maybe more in some.  To the point of needing to have 3 root canals, 5 crowns, and 2 huge fillings just after turning 4.

We tried being forceful.  We tried time outs, taking away toys and playdates, even tried spanking.

Nothing worked.  She was always taking her clothing off.

So….we drop Eldest Spawn off at preschool.  It’s cold.  Very cold.  Cold enough even I had on a winter coat, not my normal shorts and sweatshirt since I was on my way to the Y.  We walk in.  Eldest Female Spawn is in her beloved Evil Princess Nightgown, flip flops, and a pony tail.  That’s it.

A very kind lady took me aside.  She told about their clothing program and asked if I would like to choose a coat for my daughter since she didn’t have one.  And anything else we were in need of.


I had to explain we were good.  She continued and assured me there was no shame in taking some help – especially for my spawn.  (and there soooo isn’t – if you need help – get it – especially for your children)

I finally showed her some pictures on my phone.  My friend Evil Seattle Seeking Gina stepped in and helped me explain the Evil Stubbornness present in this child.  She said she’d pray for us.  Very kind lady left us to the normal drop off talk among mothers and dads, grandmas and grandpas.   I’m pretty sure Eldest Female Spawn took off the nightgown at least three times and went streaking down the hallway.

Yeah….the kind lady got it.  She saw Eldest Female Spawn streaking by.  Multiple times.  I’m pretty sure she prayed for us each time.

I eventually did get her in a coat……

No worries though – Eldest Female Spawn is all about wearing clothing now.  Multiple layers.  Multiple outfits a day.  Making multiple loads of laundry.

What was I so upset about with the nakey stuff?  Less laundry is good, right?

EJ out – to go fold … yup ..  you guessed it … laundry.

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Mmmeeemmmorrieeesss, Stinky, Smelly, Meeemmmorrrrieesss…

Okay.  It’s the start of the school season here.  Everyone has their best ever story and here’s mine.

The date and location : September 2005.  EP Rock Elementary School, kindergarten class room.

The players : I’m 29 years old.  Eldest Spawn is 5 years old.  Eldest Female Spawn is 2.5 years old.  Second Eldest Female Spawn (at that time, Littlest Spawn) is 3 weeks old.

The reason : K- Start.  K-Start is how our school district introduces kindergarteners (and their parents) to school.  The first three days of classes are for all students other than kindies.  During this three day period, the student and parents have a chance to come to the room and meet the teacher for 15-30 minutes one on one.  It’s actually pretty cool.  Added bonus – all the busing craziness gets figured out the first three days so by the time the kindies are riding – everyone else is an expert.

We received a letter stressing the importance of being on time to this meeting.  Well….yeah…ummmmm…we returned from a weekend stay with Dr. Evil 4 hours away (he was on business – we crashed the party and swam in the pool – and I had help with the two others as I recovering from my third c-section) directly to this meeting.  After running through our favorite fast food joint.  With Eldest Spawn wearing flip-flops.

10 minutes late.

Crapola.  Already a check mark next to my spawn’s my name.

And we weren’t suppose to bring siblings.  Well….yeah….ummmm…..I was flying solo and wasn’t about to leave my 3 week old baby away from my nursing ta-tas.

So in we walk, 10 minutes late, my whole crew.  Eldest Female Spawn has to use the bathroom.  Luckily it is in the room.  Then she told me she had to go again.  Now you have to understand – this Eldest Female Spawn – even at 2.5 years old – was stubborn as a mule.  She had the bladder of a camel.  Could hold it for hours…and I’m NOT exaggerating.  So I more or less ignored her.

We were told how important healthy food were – Eldest Spawn revealed our nugget and fries lunch…and pizza dinner…and all the convenience foods that come after having a baby.  Not mentioning how when we would go to fast food Evil Joy (just Mom then) would bring along green beans and fruit to add to the treat meal.  By now, Eldest Female Spawn is really complaining of needing to use the bathroom again and I’m ignoring her even more…trying to impress the teacher with my focus in the middle of the chaos my spawn were creating.

We were instructed to not wear flip-flops to school – safety concern.  Oooops.  He was wearing flip-flops now.  Man….I was so nervous.  Don’t forget how much of a rule follower I am – finding out rules I’m breaking after the fact is a cause for stomach cramps.

Then…the smell.


The stench.  In several areas of the room.  In the kitchen center.  The reading center.  The doll center.  The block center.


The smell emanating from my Eldest Female Spawn made me gag.  I nearly vomited all over the floor.

She wasn’t kidding.  She did have to go.  Diarrhea all over the freaking place.  And not just a little squirt here and there.  I mean an atom bomb went off in each of those centers.  The smell was overwhelming.

I quickly put her in the bathroom and made Eldest Spawn guard her.  By then the next parent was scheduled to start.  The teacher started and the four of us huddled together trying to figure out what to do.

Clorox wipes.  Okay.  I can use those.  Jumbo sized.  An entire container.

I quickly ran around the room trying to clean each center.  Trying to remember the order the teacher showed us the centers in so I could hit the first one first and try to get the smell under control.  Gagging and coughing the whole time….I have the world’s weakest stomach.  The jumbo container only had one wipe left.  I swiped another container.  Continued my frantic wiping up.  Littlest Spawn started crying.  She was needing the ta-tas.  I was covered in poo.


We got it all cleaned up.  I snagged the Target bag I brought the supplies in and was using it for garbage as I went through the wipes.  I took it with me as I sprinted from the room with my Spawn in tow – except Eldest Female Spawn.  I carried her so no more poo would hit the floor and leave a stench trail.

We got to the van.  The only thing I could wipe her down with …. nursing pads.  Seeing as I was already covered in poo there was no way I was nursing until I showered.  So…nursing pads were surrendered in order to save the van from the Evil Overwhelming Stench.  We got home.  I bathed Eldest Female Spawn and myself.  Fed Littlest Spawn.

Then called my Mommy to cry about my first day at kindergarten.

We’ve since had this teacher two additional times.  We love her to pieces.  She never mentioned a word of the disaster that was my first K-Start meeting with her.  Amazing Woman.  I have begged her to not retire before the end of the 2014 so Littlest Spawn will have the chance to have her as a teacher.

Got any stories to share?  Come on – I know you do…leave me a comment with your story – I’d love to hear from you.

EJ out – to play with some Spawn.

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New Kind of Victory

Today has been one of those bummer, sit in a corner and cry, wear your baggie clothes, eat pizza kinda days.  Problem is…Spawn.  They require interaction and feeding – so no sitting in a corner and crying – atleast not where they can find me and I can’t hide for long or they worry.  I figure they got dressed, had three meals and about a bazillion snacks (mostly healthy), had a little fun, watched more than the normal allowed amount of television, spent some time in the sunshine…….and they’re alive and well.

I call this a victory.

Not one of my finest parenting days, but we all survived somehow.  Tomorrow is a new day.  We will do the more normal family thing tomorrow.  Today was about getting through the day.

Do you ever have days like this?  What do you do to break up the funk?  I’m open to ideas……

EJ out – to make sure teeth get brushed and stories get read.

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