Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: puke

A Simple Hairbinder

A simple hairbinder put me over the edge this morning.  A hair binder.  That’s all.  Just a hair tie. Not being able to find a hair binder made me so upset I started bawling.

Because … puke.

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Since Wednesday of last week – just six little days ago – I’ve cleaned the toilets in this house 2000 times.  I’ve wiped puke from the walls, the floors, the sides of beds, and cabinets.  I’ve spend hours on my knees scrubbing carpet.  I’ve washed every bedding item we own on the sanitize cycle – twice.  Every cup, plate or bowl touched has immediately been washed in the dishwasher on sanitize cycle with the sani rise cycle added.  I have vacuumed, sprayed with disinfectant and revacuumed every piece of fabric covered furniture we own.  Every light switch, television remote, device, smooth surface, rough surface, anything with any surface has been washed and rewashed.

No one can kiss anyone good night.  Well, air kisses are allowed from across the room.  New toothbrushes all around.  Twice.  And seriously, do NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT eating off of each other’s plates or I WILL GO BATSHIT CRAZY ON YOU!  It’s been a long week.

Wednesday (last week) started with one who loves and lives for drama telling me her tummy hurt.  I didn’t believe her because…well…I’m not the nicest of moms.  I’m me.  The “suck it up, you’re fine, go back to bed” mom.  Yeah…she showed me.  And while I’m thankful she made it to the bathroom, I do still wish she’d opened the toilet lid prior to losing her guts all over the bathroom.  And I mean All.  Over.  The.  Bathroom.

The next day I convinced myself it was food poisoning.  Because that’s a better reality than thinking about 5 more people in this family getting sick.  We stayed home together and it was nice to hang out.  I cleaned everything in the house just in case.

Friday dawned bright and early and I got up thinking, “Sweet – we are in the clear.”

Friday night happened.  I got sick.  And I was so sick.   Literally 3 minutes later another daughter was puking.  She promptly made a bed on our floor – standard operating procedure here for a sick kid – and went to sleep for 8 minutes.  When she woke up and puked again.  And again.  And again.  All night long.  Dr. Evil has a gift.  He can sleep through anything.  Or he’s a phenomenal actor.  Finally around 4 am I lost my temper and said “I need you to take care of her because I’m sick too!”  Saturday he ran the chaos that is our life.  She slowly got better and I got a little sleep.

Sunday dawned.  With a 50% attack rate my hopes for the rest of my family didn’t run high.  Dr. Evil, patient zero and Eldest snowboarded all day.  I hung here with the Littles.  I cleaned this house for five hours.  I scrubbed everything.  I got out the essential oils. I got out the Melaluca products.  I got out the bleach.  I was covering all my bases.

They got home and Sunday night happened.

Again, within 5 minutes of each other Littlest and Eldest were in my room, puking all over my bathroom.  Did I mention Eldest is a man sized boy?  (And seriously, I love they want to come to me.  But can they puke IN A TOILET!?!?!?!?  NOT NEXT TO IT, ON IT, ALL OVER IT……..INSIDE THE BOWL PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?!)

Sunday night there was no sleep to be had.  I moved us still sick people (did I mention at this point I still feel gross?) to the living room because Dr. Evil isn’t feeling well.  By Monday morning Eldest was so sick.  I started to worry in my way.  He didn’t listen to me and drank a large glass of water- poor kid was thirsty….and you guessed it….puked all over another bathroom.  He listened from then on.   Dr. Evil came home early from work to help me.  I hadn’t actually slept since Wednesday for more than 2 hours straight.  I went straight upstairs and crashed.  He woke me up at 6:30 pm and went to bed.  He was sick.  Not puking sick, but not feeling well.  I kept everyone who was still sick in the living room once again.

Yesterday dawned.  Finally.  We made it 3 hours with no one throwing up.  I started to feel positive.  I left the house long enough to drive those going to school to the bus stop and to rent a steam cleaner for the carpet.  (No one is ever eating blueberries, taco meat or black beans again EVER AGAIN in my house!)  I started all the sanitize washing yet again and got beds remade, pillows washed, dishes washed and put away.  All the blankets anyone touched, looked at, or thought about touching washed in extra hot water, rinsed three times and … repeat.  Dried on the highest heat setting in the dryer.

Then Dr. Evil texted me and said he’d be coming home after an early meeting.  To sleep.  Because he didn’t feel well.

Oh holy hell.

School got out and patient zero – aka Eldest Female Spawn – came home looking like she’d been hit by a truck.  Off to quick clinic.  Thank God the quick strep test was negative, she just has a nasty cold.  She’s home from school today.   But everyone else is at school or work.

Tomorrow I’m hopeful our house will be quiet during the day.  I have a lot to catch up on outside the house and honestly, I’m sick of cleaning my house.  I feel for those trapped in snow covered houses but I would trade the snow for puke any day.  I’m hopeful tonight everyone will sleep in their own beds, with no bowls beside their beds, or towels on the floor.  I’m hopeful for a normal night of dinner – bland though it may be – followed by a normal night time routine.  We won’t be going to Mass today.  I’m not going to risk it.

I’m hopeful I can sleep for a solid 6 hours without waking to someone saying, “Mom, my tummy hurts.”

I’m hopeful …. for an end to the puke.  And the start of healthy family.

EJ out – to wash my hands.  And buy more hair binders.

Side note…or bottom note.  I’ve been sort of absent here lately.  It’s been a trying winter.  Thanks for sticking around and I promise to do my best to bring some more funny on a regular basis.  I miss hearing from all of you!

Don’t Mess with Mama Monday

Can you feel the steam exploding from my ears?  If not, trust me, global warming has taken a hit in the last 12 hours.

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Eldest Spawn.  You are in a world of trouble.  I’ve been more angry in the past, but wow.  You took it to a new level today – a new deception attempt level.  Note the attempt.  Remember – it was attempted and squashed.  Let this be a lesson.

You blew it.  Big time.  By playing on my biggest fear and consideration for my spawn.


Telling me you threw up so you wouldn’t have to go to school.  And then putting shredded wheat on the toilet and telling me there was some “splash back” from when you threw up.  And spilling your cereal on the floor.

You should know my Mom Spidey Sense was atinglin’ – I can smell a lie like a fart in an elevator.  (I think that’s a movie quote….).  I sat there, on the couch adjacent to you, talking to you, listening to the answers, the Mom Spidey Sense tingle getting stronger and stronger.

Then I flat out said, “I don’t believe you.”

You threw yourself dramatically on the couch.  Then about 20 seconds later, fessed up.  You weren’t sick.  You were worried about a test you forgot about.

Oh wow.  Seriously.

Then you had the EVIL AUDACITY to attempt to put it back on me.  “You expect perfection.”


In no uncertain terms I simply said, “I expect your best effort.”


Followed by, “Get your butt on the bus.  You can study during lunch, on the bus, or in-between classes.”


Then I sent him out the door with the knowledge punishment would be coming, hard, swift, and….


So far he has lost XBox, iPod, iPad, and Beats privileges for one week.  Oh and computer access other than for school work.  (we’re not spoiled at all….) And next he has to write out 5 punishments and I get to choose 1-3 of them depending on what he comes up with.  And call Dr. Evil (on travel this week) and tell him what he did.  And … he specifically tried to throw out the “Don’t blog about this.”  So….of course I am!

He has just read this.  Tried unsuccessfully to edit or delete parts.  I felt the need to sit on him and show him who is boss.

As you see, this Evil Mama reigns supreme.


I am seriously angry.  This is not something acceptable in my lair.  In a while, we’ll laugh about it.  Right now…he’s doing chores and will be doing more chores in the upcoming days.  And will think twice about ever telling me he’s sick again because unless I see puke leaving his body or he has a raging temperature – he’s going to school.  Every freaking day.



EJ out – to get that list and have fun picking out punishments.

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And go visit Snarkfest and buy “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

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