Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: rules (page 1 of 2)

Advice…from a new mom

So I’m linking up at Theme Thursday.  I seem to mess this up every time I do this and forget to do what I’m suppose to.  (I’m sorry!!!)  Here’s the link to Theme Thursday.  Go check out what others are saying about this week’s theme : Advice  Thanks to Something Clever 2.0 for doing this!!!

I love when I go out with my Littlest Spawn.  She’s a doll face .. except when she’s not. Then she’s the devil incarnate.  She can scream and carry on with the best of them.  In the last year, this has subsided considerably but on occasion it still happens.

My favorite situation is when she is having a hard time with a new environment and I’m past dealing with it.  I’m more of the tough love kinda mama – not the cuddling type.  At all.  Ever.  (Sorry Spawn – suck it up – that’s the way it goes – not everyone wins – you’re fine – get over it)

In walks chic mom in her heels, skinny jeans, with her six month old baby dressed in the latest Gap line head to toe.  Who proceeds to give me advice.  For a child who is 4.5 years older than her first baby.  Advice she read in a book.  And her friend told her about.  And she saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

Yeah.  Bite me.

Depending on my mood, one of three things happens:

Mood 1 : Happy and Well Rested

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Thanks.  I’m sure it’ll get better.  Have a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 2 : Normal Evil Joy – Tired, Slightly Frazzled, Running 17 Different Directions

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Yeah, I know…my older THREE went through this stage too.  Later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood 3 : Exhausted, Dr. Evil on Travel, Other Spawn Acting Up at Home, Last Thin Thread of Sanity Broken by This Woman

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Look.  I appreciate you trying to give advice for a child you have no idea about.  Obviously the books you’ve read have made you think you’re prepared.  You’re not.  Just wait.  Wait until she can talk and walk and run away from you and pull over a display in the store.  Wait until she doesn’t like you.  I have THREE OLDER CHILDREN.  I’ve done this shit before.  Yeah – I swore – your baby can’t talk yet and I could say shit over and over again and it will not affect her because she’ll never ever see me again.  And yes, close your open jaw, I swore in front of my five-year old who knows better than to repeat it at all.  I was just like you lady – thought I had it all in the bag.  I don’t.  At least I’m smart and experienced enough to KNOW I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.  Good Day.

Yeah – Mood 3 – not one of my finer moments.  Thankfully I was in a different town and will most likely never see this woman again.  God, I hope not.

So I try hard to not give advice unless asked.  Even then I tread cautiously.  Are they really asking for advice or do they want reassurance everyone is as confused and clueless as the next parent.  None of our spawn came with manuals.  None of our spawn are alike.  Some advice is great …. but sometimes …. for the love of Pete …. bite your tongue.

Except – okay – the one and only time I don’t hold back is if I notice your spawn’s eyes aren’t properly aligned.  Eldest Spawn has strabismus and amblyopia caught at age 2.  He’s been patched, had and still has bifocals, and wears glasses to correct his alignment and vision.  If not caught early enough the damage caused can be more severe.  So…that’s the one time I know I’ve crossed the line….but if it helps just one kid……

EJ out – to drive in the Mother Loving Snow to see a visiting friend!!!!!

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(graphic sources : pinterest.com, casaazuldelaribera.es)

How Does That Happen?

Evil Joy here with a post on crumbs, couch cushions, and questions.

So how the heck does all that crap get underneath the couch cushions?  I mean really, how does it get there?  I don’t want a physics lesson, I want the real truth on the matter.  In English, Mom-Speak, Joy-Talk.

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Well since no one had the answer when I googled it – I decided to create my own answer.

And the answer is :

Creation of crap under couch cushions : Spawn.  All shapes and sizes of spawn.  Human spawn and Dog spawn.  My spawn and my friends’ spawn.  

 

So the solution to the issue of too much crap under my couch cushions is either :

1.  Teach Spawn to clean the couch cushions.  Then refrain from ever feeding them again.

2.  Get rid of Spawn.

 

Seeing as either option would result in Evil Joy being incarcerated, I’ll go with a hy-brid.

 

Teach Spawn to clean.  Teach Spawn to eat at the table (even when I’m not looking).  And keep them.

 

On the bright side, I have a clean house couch and because I had to post about the nastiness in my couch I saw the lovely sunset as our Christmas lights came on:

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EJ out – to reassemble couches and once again ban eating in the living room as it’s OCCURRING RIGHT NOW!!!  AAAUUUGGGGHHHHHHH

Rules and Evil Joy’s Evil Rule Following….

Evil Joy here with a post on rules.  Following all said rules to the point of insanity.

See, I’m a rule follower.  I am The Rule Follower.  The Evil Rule Follower.  Do you understand I follow the rules?

Even more important – I HATE breaking rules.  I don’t like getting in trouble.  I don’t like rocking the boat.  I don’t like knowing I could get in trouble.  With anyone.  Ever.  Never Ever.  Never never ever.

 

I’m learning to step over the Evil Line once in a while – especially since becoming Evil Joy.  But I digress….here’s a story to illustrate how crazy I am about following rules.

 

The year….sometime before 1996 – before Evil Joy was spawned and even before Dr. Evil and Evil Joy were married.  I think it was 1995…..maybe…I don’t know.

The place….San Francisco California. Specifically – the area of the Golden Gate Bridge.

The scene….I’m visiting Dr. Evil while he co-ops for Dow Chemical out in California.  He takes me out to show me the sites.  The Golden Gate Bridge is one I really want to visit again – I was there the summer I met him and that seems so perfect in my young sweet mind.  Now we can visit it together!  I saw it right before I met you and now we’re here together…aaahhhhhh (no gagging allowed – this is my story).

Parking was horrendous.  Terrible.  Finally Dr. Evil parked his little red Chevy in an ILLEGAL spot…along with 3,000 other people.

I was sick.  I was so worried we were going to be towed.  And it would cost money.  And it would result in a ticket.  Which would affect his already sky high insurance rates.  And since we were getting married would make OUR rates even higher.  Plus we’d get in trouble.  TROUBLE!?  EVIL TROUBLE.  I don’t like getting in trouble.

I hardly enjoyed the Bridge.  I was constantly looking at the car.  Trying to see the car.  Did it get towed?  Did it get stolen?  Did it get smashed?  Any tickets?  What if there’s a ticket?

Then I saw the lights…the flashing lights.

I was SURE we were going to get towed.  And ticketed.  And thrown in jail.  Forever.  And sentenced to all eternity in Hell.  HELL people.  Hell.

So we decided (or in other words, Dr. Evil was sick of my crazy worrying) to head back to the car.

Which was FINE.

No ticket.

No eternal damnation at this time.

 

Yeah…so I’m a rule follower.  To an Evil Fault.

What about you – do you follow the Evil Rules or are you an Evil Rule Breaker?

 

EJ out – to find a rule to break to live outside my Evil Rule Following Straight 90 Degreed Edged Box.

Help this crazy mama break the rules of number 12…12 people…in the humor blogs over at www.TopMommyBlogs.com by clicking on the crazy lady in the corner.

 

 

Let the Battles Begin….

Evil Joy here with a post on living in Wisconsin, the approaching weather, and the WORLD’S MOST STUBBORN SPAWN.

So, overnight we’ve gone from 80 degrees, warm and sunny….to windy as all get out (currently consistent at 23 mph) and the high for today…51.  51 degrees.  (However I’ll take it – I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE <3 my sweatshirt collection – it is vast and wide….bawhahahahaha!)

I’m anticipating a replay of last year.  Eldest Spawn didn’t wear a coat or sweatshirt of any kind until I made him when it broke below 30 degrees.  Nada.  Nothing.  Well, not nothing, just no jacket.  But when it got so cold I put my foot down and his jacket on him.  I’m sure it was off before the bus stop, but at least he had it with him….

Update : Breaking Evil News : Amazed Evil Joy’s Post in Jeopardy Mid Post by Compliant Spawn….WTHeck?!

Eldest Spawn just requested jeans.  Jeans.  JEANS!  He doesn’t like jeans.  He wears shorts all winter long.  Jeans.  Evil Joy is Evil Giddy with happiness.  But I’m playing it cool – sorry bud – no clean jeans today but there’s clean running pants…hey dude, that’s sweet, all good, cool.  Yeah..there’s running pants.  (Doing my best impression of a12 yr old boy at 6am).

Well, then what now you may ask?  I’ll tell you what.

The Female Spawn.

I’ve written before about how my Female Spawn like to wear as little as possible…..hence the lovely post Nakey Butt……but as the seasons shift here in the tundra, transition to shoes with socks, pants with legs, and sweatshirts is Evil Taxing on my Female Spawn.  They love their summer dresses, flip flops, shorts, and tank tops.  Well, guess what?  You can still love them just with layers upon layers underneath them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until next week, when it will miraculously be 80 degrees again and I’ll have to pull back out some summer clothes.

 

EJ out – to take advantage of Eldest Spawn wanting a sweatshirt IN ADDITION to jeans (he found some clean ones – miracle considering he owns all of two pairs….).

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Future Rock Jocks?

Evil Joy here with a post on … I don’t know what to call it….

So Dr. Evil and I attended University of Missouri-Rolla (rah-la – not roll – ah).  Before it was UMR it was the Missouri School of Mines and Metallurgy, and while I was there it went by MSM-UMR…. and now .. Missouri University of Science and Technology.  (I think there may be some sort of identity crisis, but who am I to judge?)

Where I sent hours doing Complex Analysis – one of my favorite classes ever….

Stonehenge reproduction from 1984 – we used to walk there alot when taking a break from writing code…..

Anyways – a number of my friends studied geology.  And are now geologist. ….funny how that happens – go to school for something AND manage to find a career you love in said field….but I digress….I do have a point I swear…..

I posted on Facebook yesterday about my spawn using my good mixing bowls for rock collection and cleaning.  Today it late start for school (don’t even get me going on this concept – just GO TO SCHOOL already) and I wake up to this….

Yup – in their winter robes, with shoes and stocking caps.  It’s 39 degrees outside and 6:45 in the morning.  Looking for quartz.  Because, ya know, “if you bang them together in the dark it makes bright sparks.”

THIS TOTALLY ROCKS!!!  (Yes, pun intended)  This kicks watching tv in the ARSE!  Big time.  I’m so excited they are out and about and learning something…anything…other than material from Sponge Bob Square Pants University.

What do your kids do before school?  On those pesky late start days (that are stupid by the way)?

EJ out – to get a quote on landscape rock.  It seems more of it is in our house in collections than in the landscaping.

Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right to cast a vote for me over there.  Thanks so much!!!

Evil Phrases I Actually Used…..

So…things that make you go MMMM…or WTHeck?  Did I really just say that?!?!

Baseball lends itself to the use of many phrases I never dreamed or nightmared of using.  Taking three Female Spawn to ball parks all summer long – twice a week and all weekend – created situations in which new ‘everyday’ phrases were employed.

Here is a list of the ones I can think off the top of my head….

1. We do not touch dog butts of dogs we don’t know.

2. Do not lick the baseball.

3. Do not pee in the grass – you are a girl.

4. Yes, you can have more candy – just leave me to watch the game.

5. We don’t put sunscreen there….

6. Here – play with my iPhone so I can watch the game – never mind it’s raining and there’s cement for it to fall on.

7. YES!!!  Only 5 more hours in the heat!

8. No, you can’t marry your new best friend.

9. No!  Do not kiss your new boyfriend (said to 6 and 4 year old).

10. Let your sister be the dog for once when you play kennel.

11. Stop trying to eat the sunflower shells out of the grass – there are no seeds in there.  (Never mind they’d been in someone else’s mouth!)

12. No – we don’t lick the door handle to the bathroom.  Gross dude!

13. Put your clothing back on!  (Shouted at 6 year old who happened to be sitting next to high school couple who immediately turned 50 shades of purple.)

14. Stop cheering for your brother like that – he doesn’t want you to sing his name and then try to kiss him!!!  And if you’re going to do it – spell his name right!

And my favorite –

15.  Of course we’ll do this tomorrow – it’s great!  It’s only suppose to be 95 degrees – it’ll be way cooler!

 

Any phrases you’ve said you never imagined utterly until you had Spawn?  Let me a comment – I’d love to hear them – maybe we can compare notes!

 

EJ out – to put Spawn to bed and read a book.  And do laundry.  And fold laundry.  And put away laundry.  I live and breathe laundry.  Bawahahahahaha.

Please take a minute to vote for me at the Top Mommy Blogs by clicking on the icon on the right.  I appreciate it!

Also, check out “Ronan” on iTunes by Taylor Swift.  Amazing.  Simply.Perfect.

Why Doesn’t School Start Until September 4th?

Seriously.  I’m so jealous of my friend’s posts on Facebook and the happy smiling pictures of kids going to school.

My Spawn are still on summer break.  For two more weeks.  WTHeck.

Now…I enjoy my Spawn – just sort of sick of them, they’re sick of me, and they are soooo sick of each other.  We’ve had a fabulous summer but it’s time to move from Summer Vacation to Back to School.  Then there is truth in advertising at the places we shop….”Back to School Sale,” “Fall Favorites…”  and the like.

However right now for us – totally false advertising.  We are still in summer mode.  Meaning late and early risers (late being 7am), late bedtimes….ball games (these are good), walks outside (again, good), and loads of bickering (not so good).  Evil Joy had made several appearances in the past week, taking over for Mom when all else fails.  My Spawn have learned the signs of the metamorphosis about to occur….and don’t give a flying fig.  They keep on keeping on getting in trouble and having multiple encore performances of Evil Joy on a daily basis.

Evil Baseball Monkey and the Sweet Nectar – things getting Evil Joy through the summer……

And the perceived sense of entitlement in this household……  Impressive.  When the heck did stat to believe life arrives on a silver platter?  Eldest Spawn wants a new video game and needs to earn $25 to get it.  I normally refuse to pay for him watching his sisters or doing chores.  That’s just part of being our family – you pitch in (or so I’d like to think).   I set some serious guideline if he was going to be earning dough watching them – no tv, no screens of any kind, you must actually play WITH them, entertain them, feed them, and clean up.

I think some of those things got through to him.  Others (like CLEANING UP) not so much.

He waltzed in here a minute ago asking if he had earned the molah yet.

Ummmm.  No.

He had the audacity to get mad.  Guess what buddy – you just earned negative dollars at the Bank of Evil Joy.

The Band of Evil Joy may just go on extended holiday therefore unable to pay out any earned money or loans.

Take that Eldest Entitled One.  I’m going to work the Entitled out of all of them – eventually.  After all, why do you think I had four Spawn….Slave Labor!

EJ out – to make up an Evil Awesome New Chore Chart …. and put it to use!!!!  Bawahahahahahahahaha!

If you don’t want a chore chart, you should click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the right.  One click is all.  Then I’ll be able to give you a check on your chore chart!

Desperately Seeking….(no…not Susan)….my Evil Zen

Evil Joy here with a post on life, love, and the pursuit of my personal Zen.

So…summer is here.  I love summer.  I’m even loving the hot temps – snow is never far from arriving here so there’s no not loving summer.  I’ll go Evil on ya if I hear any of that crapola.

Being Evil Mom to four wonderful Spawn, Evil Wife to Dr. Evil, and Evil Friend to those fortunate enough to know me (and kind enough to continue to know me after all my Evil Crapola the last few many months) – all of those roles take a lot of energy.  Energy I am happy to expend.  Energy I would at times rather expend running.  Or reading.  Not cleaning.  Never cleaning…..

Due to previous statement, I’ve been desperately seeking my Evil Zen.  And my non-Evil Zen.  Side ways Zen.  Inside outside upside down Zen.  (Need a break from Berenstain Bears anyone?  Bueller?)  Any and all Zen.

And low and behold…while doing Evil Cleaning (may not want to do it, but it must be done.  I have spoken), I saw this……

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Now…I must really be desperately seeking my Zen …..  the universe heard me……

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to see a ying-yang in a spot of ketchup and mustard needing to be cleaned off my kitchen table.

Sweet Spawn left me a mess, but showed me the location of my Zen….in them.

EJ out – to paint nails with the Female Spawn (plus BFF of Spawn #3 – she’s moving away tomorrow  …  that’s a whole ‘nother post ) and enjoy my Zen.

Evil Crafty Mess….

Evil Joy here with a post on messes.  Evil Messes made in pursuit of less Evil Messes to come in summer.   Evil Messes made in anticipation of Spawn desiring to have fun swimming, crafting, and brain building game playing.

So.  The pool is up.  The Spawn love to swim.  Swimming requires swimsuits in Evil Joy’s world.  The location of the swimsuit bin has been a long-standing issue in our lair for 4 – FOUR – years.  See, the Spawn like to help themselves to swimsuits in preparation for swimming.  Resulting in a big ol’ Evil Mess of Swimsuits On The Floor.   Resulting in clean clothing ending up in the dirty laundry pile.  Resulting in Evil Joy Erupting!

Dr. Evil and I had an Evil Grand Idea.  We moved the swimsuit bin to an area with Evil Easy Access.  Evil Easy Access…..meaning they can get to it AND pick up the suits they don’t use – or don’t want to use – or don’t belong to them – or don’t look right at this minute.  We have a lot of swimsuits – we have a lot of Spawn – each has two suits – there’s 8 for ya – plus Dr. Evil and Evil Joy – and most of the Female Spawn have two piece suits with rash guard shirts – innumerable items in this bin!

The problem with the new location : it housed craft supplies, games, play school supplies, and various other stuff…(Read : Evil Junk I Don’t Know What Else To Do WIth So I Shove It In this Cabinet.)

So I pulled out everything, I mean Evil Everything.

Evil Amounts Of Fun Time Items.  And due to the way Fun Items were shoved behind the Evil Junk I Don’t Know What Else To Do WIth – they were Evilly Neglected.  Many Fun Items arrived while Evil Joy was being spawned and Dr. Evil was earning his title.  (We are blessed with wonderful family and friends who not only took care of us but made sure the Spawn were kept busy.  A.MAZ.ING!)

So….

Organization : Thank God we are friends.  I love to organize and arrange things.  Keep it up – stay the way I put you and encourage Spawn to love the organization too……

Fun Items :Utilization is the key to your success.  Your function is to be used, enjoyed, displayed, and stored (sometimes in the round bin….other times..the memory bin).

Spawn : Use your swimsuit.  Put them away and get them out neatly.  Or.Else.  OR. ELSE!  Are we clear? And….have fun with the Fun Items.

Donation Center : Enjoy!!!  I love dropping things there……

EJ out – to find another space in our lair to organize…..

Evil Earliness…..

Evil Joy here with a post on late nights…leading to Evil Early Mornings.

Now…I love summer.  I love spring.  I love fall.  And I really love winter.  Seeing as we live in Wisconsin, I find my love of winter to be a blessing.  Also…seeing as we live in Wisconsin, we grab onto each and every nice morning, day, and evening and run with it.  There are few over the course of the whole year so I’m all for enjoying them while they’re here.

Summer.  Later sunset.  Earlier sunrise.  Baseball.  Softball.  Walks.  Swimming.  Gardening.

Evil Late Bedtimes.

I actually do have to qualify that…..Dr. Evil and I usually get the Spawn to bed around 7:30.  So late – is anytime after 8:30.  As they rise at the butt-crack of dawn regardless of what time we put them down, earlier is better for all involved.

Last night, Third Spawn in line had a softball game on the other side of town (about as far from our house as you can get in this town) from 7 to 8:30pm.  She’s 6.  Dr. Evil is the coach.  8:30.

8: are you kidding me: 30.  PM

School isn’t out until Friday.  Evil Late Evening for us.  Actually – the Spawn were pretty good.  Until ….

The Evil Ride Home.

Why do they have to argue about where to sit in the truck?  I am all for letting them have turns.  However, this turn taking has Spawn introduced Evil Rules I disagree with as Evil Rules lead to Evil Arguing leading to the appearance of Evil Joy.

So…of to bed they go.

Sunrise.  5:10.  Spawn #4 in my bed.  Blue birds running into the windows in my bedroom.  WTHeck?!

7am – I force all Spawn to stop watching PBS and get dressed.  You would think I’d sentenced them to life as Spawn Slaves to Evil Joy.  (little do they know…bawhahahahahaha)

So….softball and baseball – you’re lucky there’s only 3 more days of school.

Sunrise….I love love love you.  I can’t say anything Evil about you since I love love love you.  However, I think room darkening shades are being put in the budget for next year.

Spawn…sleep.  In your own beds.  All. Night. Long.  Until 7am.  Wake up happy.

Or feel the wrath of Overly Happy Mom in the morning.  Did I mention I’m a morning person?

EJ out – to cheer on the Spawn as they prepare for school.

(graphic source : http://www.clipartheaven.com/show/clipart/time/alarm_clock_-_happy-gif.html)

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