Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: sleep (page 1 of 2)

Let's Talk About It.

It.  It being the equal use and distribution of the bed sheets, blanket, and comforter.  Along with the bed itself.

Dr. Evil is a blanket hog.  (He will say I am.)  However I make the bed each day and have to tug, pull, and yank the sheets, blanket, and comforter back to the middle.  Me and my OCD ways of 90 degree corners and straight edges requires said tugging, pulling, and yanking.

Once upon a time, say 16 years ago, Dr. Evil and I used to sleep all cuddled up as newlyweds should.  Then….I got sick of my arm being numb until lunch time only to repeat again the next day.  And the man is a heater when he sleeps.  Seriously, you can see the steam rising off of him as he slumbers.  I’m no freezer of sleeper either so together we would have created supernova style heat and I’d have to wash sheets and blankets because they would end up smelling like my workout clothes after a day or two.  (And for any of you going in a different direction with that – get your heads out of the gutter!)

Then Dr. Evil and Evil Joy moved from southern Missouri to Minnesota.  In December.  December 28th to be exact!  Our first anniversary night out was provided by his ‘new’ company as we were moving up here for him to start.  (And for me to finish my senior year of university.  Don’t let anyone you love transfer their senior year.  It sucks.  Unless they’re blissfully in love and nothing else matters!)  We learned what cold was all about and we needed to purchase more blankets to stay warm.  And our apartment was the top story of a building and not insulated in the best fashion.  It was so cold!  So cold.  Back to cuddling we went.

As time passed, a little less than a year, we built our first house.  Or rather had it built.  With proper insulation.  And heating.  And not three stories up.  End cuddling.  Plus I got pregnant with Eldest Spawn and I was so freaking hot all the time I couldn’t stand anyone to touch me!  Cue end cuddling.

Then the babies kept coming.  And the dogs.  And we moved to this house about 10 years ago.  And finally got a king sized bed.  I was sick of getting the boot to the couch where I would find myself in the middle of the night.  Only to awake with babies and dogs on me on the couch and Dr. Evil peacefully slumbering in bed.  Now we had a KING SIZED bed.

And more kids.  And more dogs.

Last night Burton puppy kept sneaking onto the bed.  He worms his way up from the bench at the end of the bed, to my toes, to my knees until he’s stretched out like a human between Dr. Evil and me!  And seriously – he’s a dog.  Three Dog Night anyone?  He’s warm.  He snores.  He farts.  And he’s a DOG.  GET OUT OF MY BED NOW!  (And yes, he does sleep like this at times – it’s freaking hilarious!)

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By the time I get him out of bed, he has messed the blankets so that Dr. Evil has wrapped up warmly and I’m left with the corner.  Of the comforter.  That’s it.  No sheet.  No blanket.

Until a spawn comes in to snuggle with me in the morning.  Sleepy spawn are the best for warming up a cold Evil Joy.  Then they fall back to sleep and generate heat.  Too much heat.

Asleep in my bed

Asleep in my bed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I end up on the couch.  Again.

Sweet Sadie

With a dog.

 

 

EJ out – to make the bed and yank and pull sheets to their proper placement.

A Warning…..

See…I need sleep.  I crave sleep.  I desire sleep.  I yearn for sleep.  I am deeply in love with sleep.

 

 

I don’t get much sleep.

 

There are these things called spawn in my lair.  They see to it that I get interrupted every SINGLE EVIL LIVING night of my EVIL LIFE.  They tag team me.  They share the duty.  Rarely is more than one up at once.  Multiple spawn may awaken in one night – but in succession.  Never all at the same time.  Just one after the other, after the other.

On the off chance they all actually sleep through the night without getting up, opening their door, closing their door, closing the bathroom door, opening the bathroom door, opening their door, and finally closing their door….there are the furry spawn in our lair.

There are several deer, fox, other dogs, random cats, birds, and butterflies that MUST be BARKED at during the night.  Usually around 1:30 am.  Or 3:30 am.  Or 1:13 am.  Or any other time I am fortunate enough to be in a deep sleep.

I’m not even going to start on Dr. Evil’s snoring.  Just know Breathe RIght strips are on my shopping list.  (I’m pretty sure shin guards are on his shopping list as well.)

And insomnia – yeah – insomnia.  There are no nice words for not being able to sleep when afforded the opportunity.

 

As a public service announcement I am issuing a warning.  Actually several warnings.

Warnings from Evil Joy

  1. Do not ask me if I got enough sleep.  I will a.)tell you why I didn’t or b.)throttle you.
  2. Do not tell me you get a full night’s rest every night and can’t imagine what not sleeping is like.  I will just throttle you.
  3. Do not wake me up mid-nap.  I will a.)yell at you and not remember it or b.)throttle you.
  4. Do not give my spawn any sort of caffeine containing product.  Ever.  Never ever.  Never, never ever.  I will send them to your house at 3am and let them wake you up, keep you up, and annoy you.
  5. Do not cross Evil Joy today.  I am tired.  And grumpy.  And catching Littlest’s cold.

 

You have been warned.

Please advise my spawn, should you see them, to let me sleep.  I tell them all the time.  They tell me how wonderfully they’ve slept and I just smile, grind my ever sharpening teeth together, and give them a hug so they can’t see the look on my face.

 

EJ out – to await the opening of the clinic so I can take a sick Littlest in to see the doctor.  (And if they wake up me and they’re sick – I’m not EVIL!!!  I’m just mom.  Albeit a tired mom, but a loving, cuddly mom who takes care of those she calls spawn.)

 

Help a tired EJ out and vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’m moving up the Humor Blogs ranks but need your help to stay up there!  Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  If you’re accessing this on a mobile device, you may have to scroll to the end of the post to see the icon.  Thanks!!!

ANDDDDD – you can meet the amazing Michelle from You’re My Favorite Today and myself in only 16 days at Jake’s in Plymouth, Minnesota!!  Click here for more details.

Early Riser, Night Owl

Sunrise, Sunset

Sunrise Sunset….

I wish I slept like a normal person.  I will go days where I sleep no more than 2 hours a night.  Followed by days where I can’t stay awake past 8 pm and will sleep until 8 am…if the spawn shut the hell up and Dr. Evil doesn’t fluff the bedspread eight times…then follow it up with rearranging his pillows 84,000 times during his nighttime ‘get-comfortable’ ritual….which can occur anywhere from 9:30pm to 1am depending on what he’s got going on.

Then there’s the fun ones – the ones where I fall asleep too early – like 9pm – and am wide awake from 1am to 5am.  I get a lot of books read during this time.  I can’t do laundry during the night as the machines are over Eldest Spawn’s room and like me, he’s a light sleeper.  I can’t clean the kitchen because the dogs hear the water and come running like there’s a rabbit to chase….in turn waking up various spawn…who wake up other spawn…who still don’t get Dr. Evil to wake up…pissing me off even more (usually annoyed I can’t sleep but can’t get anything done to make the next day easier since I know I’m going to be tired)…making it harder yet to sleep.  Yeah…I get a lot of books read between 1am and 5am.  I try to stay off the computer because that’s a guaranteed no-more-sleep night….once I’m on….I’m sucked in.

I’ve given up caffeine.  I’ve tried melatonin.  I have a prescription to help – hate it.  I’ve tried Tylenol pm.  I’ve tried a beer.  I’ve tried wine.  I’ve tried abstaining from all of these things.  I’ve tried working out at night.  I’ve tried working out in the mornings.  I’ve tried complete darkness.  I’ve tried having a radio on.

Problem is – when I’m tired, I’ve overly emotional.  In the middle of the night…..when I don’t sleep I think about what could have happened.  I think about what did happen.  I find myself back in time – worrying about what was going to happen.  I occasionally fall asleep only to wake up in a cold sweat worried about the sounds the monitors are making in Dr. Evil’s hospital room.  Which one is it?  His heart monitor – dialysis machine?  The ventilator?  What is the sound?!?!  Oh yeah – it’s my watch alarm going off because it’s 5:45am.  I’m on the couch in my living room with a dog looking at me like I’m as crazy as I feel.

When this happens multiple nights in a row, I find a reason to NOT sleep.  I don’t want to dream about that.  

….Down comes a rested Dr. Evil followed by three spawn wandering down in random states of alertness.  Eldest Spawn meanders up from the basement.  And I seek my coffee.  STAT.  Or if my mood is really off – bring on the Diet Dew – or whatever brand of poison I have in the fridge.

Then…the migraines arrive.  Yay oh yah – happy day.  Because then….I have to go to bed.  I have to take some medicine.  I sleep usually about 12 hours after downing about a gallon of water.  And I just sleep.  Usually deep, deep sleep where I don’t remember my dreams upon waking.  Yeah – the migraine hangover headaches suck.  But at least I got some sleep and we can reset the clock again.

Theme Thursday’s theme : Early Birds, Night Owls…….  I went a little off the cliff with this one – I didn’t mean to – just sort of happened.

 

Go check out the other Theme Thursday awesomeness.  Jen at Something Clever 2.0  – along with The Next Step, The Insomniac’s Dream, and Mom With Her Running Shoes On host Theme Thursday every week.  They’re amazing and if you’re not following them – what’s WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?  Just kidding – but going follow them!!

Sitting on my Arse….

Today I am sitting on my Evil Arse. I got up at 4:30 am because I heard Eldest Spawn down here. He insists the dogs woke him up. I think he woke up the dogs. He and I sat on the couch and just hung out for a bit. I read and eventually fell into a weird half sleep. Around 7 am I gave up and went back up to bed. Dr. Evil woke up around 8 and his kind soul let me sleep until 9:20. I came down to egg bake in the oven and quiet spawn.

The thing with disjointed sleep is you never really feel rested. Ever. I’m tired all the time. Since I haven’t slept through the night since I was preggo with Eldest Spawn (who is now 12) I’ve been tired for a long time.

Dr. Evil has the oldest two out snowboarding today. In a wind advisery. Should be some good stories when they get home. Littlest is at a playdate. Second Eldest Female Spawn and I are having an afternoon of bonding over Martha Speaks, junk food, and Vitamin Water.

I watched Martha Speaks with the fronts of my eye lids. Woke up to being poked and asked, “Can I please I have some chips?”

When we all reconvene, I’m thinking we’re going to be eating dinner in front of a movie followed by an early bedtime. I’m down with that as long as I get to participate.

EJ out – to get off my Evil Arse to find some diet coke!!

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Come on….

Evil Joy here with a post on the Sandman…and his obvious confidence in ability to sleep without his visits.

Idiot.

Yeah…sleep is a commodity in my world.  And I’m very Evil Poor at this point.  Too many nights of no sleep yields Evil Caffeinated Joy.  I cut the caffeine off early.  I drink water.  I don’t eat after 7 pm (most nights).  I go to bed early.  I go to bed late.  I get up at the same time almost every day.

For whatever reason…I lay there.  I’ve actually tried counting sheep.  Seriously.

I’ve tried benedryl, melatonin, and even have a prescription – but that scares me so I only use that if it becomes a seriously desperate situation.  So I don’t use it.

This week lack of sleep resulted in a migraine.  Of epic proportions.  I ended up in bed at 8:30 pm.  Woke up at midnight when Dr. Evil came to bed.  Headache had only progressed into the making me want to puke with any movement or sound stage.  Gah….

Last night I just simply laid there.  Getting up and doing stuff around the house only intensifies my inability to go back to sleep.  2:30 was the last number I saw until 5:52 am.

That is Not Enough Sleep for me.  Not even close.

SO…Sandman.  Listen up.  I am begging, pleading, demanding, praying for you to visit me tonight.  At a normal time.  Like say…10pm.  Sprinkle enough dust so I don’t wake up at 2 am.  Or 3:30 am….  I would love to sleep from 10 pm to 5:30 am.  That would be amazing.  Simply amazing.  However, if that’s not possible, at least send me the version of dust allowing you to go back to sleep after waking in the middle of the night.

Do it – or I’ll go Evil on your arse.

Thanks.

Just a picture I like......see - no sleep affects my brain....

Just a picture I like……see – no sleep affects my brain….

EJ out – to help with a craft at 7:45am – WTHeck?!

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Interesting Evenings in the Evil Household…..

So last night I fell asleep on the couch while watching “The Matrix.”  Can you even imagine the dreams I had?!  Nope.  You can’t.  I can’t even fathom the images my brain conjured.  I’m slightly disturbed in fact.  But that’s for another post….

Before that it had been an interesting day.  Not in the right order.  Like I-got-a-shower-in-the-morning not in the right order kind of day.  I got to hang with a friend, another friend, AND have lunch out because Littlest Spawn had an AWESOME dental report (not a given in our house – our spawns’ teeth suck big time – bad enamel).  Then I had the privilege of helping out a special friend for a bit.

Then…my awesome friend/neighbor texted me and asked if I had pie crust or biscuits.  I responded with “Yup on the crust but we normally make the biscuits from scratch – what do you need?”  She didn’t need a thing.  She had extra chicken pot pie filling.  And wanted to know if we wanted it for dinner tonight.

Duh.

YES!  I’ll be right over – even in my stately pjs (only 5pm – but hey I had to shower again so why wear different clothes and get more dirty therefore making more laundry).

And it was delish.

I said to the spawn, “This is way better than my pot pie.”

Eldest Female Spawn – ever so sweetly – said, “Mom yours is just as good.”

Eldest Spawn – ever so factually – said, “No – this is better.  Mom’s is okay but this is actually good.”

Nicely said – you little $hit.

It was waaaaay better.  They licked (literally before I made them stop because they were making me gag) the glass pan clean.  It was THAT good.

Thanks friend/neighbor!  You rock.

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EJ out – to learn new cooking skills and get ready for the SUNDAR IMPORTS Pop-Up BOUTIQUE! tonight – 5pm – under Knoke’s in Hudson!!!  Bring canned food donation.  Do it do it do it do it.

 

And I don’t normally do this but I have to send a shout out to K2 Snowboarding.  The customer service I received has been beyond what you dream of!  Thanks!!!  Here’s hoping we get to snowboard this weekend.

 

Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon (the juggling lady) to cast a vote for me daily.  Please!!  I’ve slipped to Number 14!!??!

And if you have a generous heart, click on my other favorite blogs to cast a vote : Skinny Jeans & Yoga Pants, Hot Mess Mom, Diary of a Mad Woman, Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva and any others you find and love.  And go visit Snarkfest!!!  And Running Towards the Light Without Spilling My Drink!  And Mom-spirational .  And Let Me Start by Saying.  And Elf Shaming.  And Somewhat Sane Mom.  And Werd-yab.  And Moms Who Drink and Swear.

There are lots more – but without much caffeine on board – this is what I’ve got.  Go check out my Blogs I Read page…..

Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Post….

Evil Joy here with a post on Evil Insomnia – and its Evil Counterpart – Evil Infomercials.

So I went to Eldest Spawn’s football game on Friday night.  (They won!!  First win of the season.)  It was chilly.  Nature called.  There was no one there to answer so I drove a mile down the road to the nearest gas station.  And decided I wanted a cup of coffee.  Now..I don’t drink coffee…I just wanted to hold on to it.  But lo and behold I decided to get the cappuccino stuff that masquerades as coffee.  And being the Evil Awesome Wife I am to Dr. Evil, I got him a cup of “real” coffee as he digs the nasty stuff.

Well, holding onto a cup of something to drink got to me.  I have this issue with liquids.  Have them near me, I will drink them.  Quickly. Multiple cups of whatever.  This is why I don’t often drink liquor because I tend to drink it like I drink everything else – too much and too fast.

So I downed that 20 oz cup-o-masquerading coffee.  And warmed up slightly.

Finally – time to head home.  Dr. Evil was leaving from the away game to catch a flight and a friend had all Female Spawn.  Eldest Spawn had to ride the bus back to school.  I was all alone and rocking on the way back to the middle school.  Feeling pretty energized given it was the end of the day, we’d run 10 miles that morning, Dr. Evil was leaving town, and it was Friday.

Didn’t think too much of it.  It was pretty nice out and I was happy to listen to what I wanted on the radio with the Evil Commentary of various spawn.

Home.  Shopping.  Home again.  Spawn to bed.  Cleaned the house.  Put away laundry.  Tried to go to bed.  Nope.  Nada.  Not gonna happen.

Okay…watched tv for a while.  Normally I go to sleep with the tv on for noise – especially when Dr. Evil is on travel.  So…tv on – boring show I’d seen before so I wouldn’t pay attention.  Finally…sleep arrived sometime after 11:30pm.

Until….

2:28am.

Wide.Freaking.Awake.

After attempting to read a book for a while, I started flipping channels.

Do you have any idea how many channels have infomercials on during the night.  And I saw ads for :

  • Insanity
  • P90X
  • The Food Ninja
  • Various Medical Devices
  • ProActive
  • Make Up
  • Body by Marnie (or something like that)
  • Time Life Carol Burnett Series
  • More cooking crap
  • Bo-Flex
  • Tred Walker (or something like that)
  • Perfect Brownie Pan
  • The Perfect Bra
  • The Slimmer
  • The Bullet

I’m sure I saw more.  I don’t watch them but was simply so amazed how many infomercials were on I went to the channel guide channel and started counting.  After 17 I gave up.  People must actually buy all this crap stuff.

Finally couldn’t take it anymore and flipped on NetFlix – Okay…movie.  “Sliding Doors.”  Seen it a million times.  Love it.  Should be able to zone out and go to sleep.

Nada.  Awake.

By now it’s after 5am.  I finally get some sleep sometime around 6:30 to 8.  Then the phone starts ringing.  Time to get moving.

And consider what product I can create to make an infomercial out of?  Whadda ya think?

  • Evil Joy’s Very Own Evil EyE Glasses (Just put them on to scare your spawn into submission)
  • Evil Joy’s Personal Guide to Style (How to pull off sweats any time and any where)
  • Evil Joy’s Never Empty Water Bottle (Simply open the top and put more water in it!  Amazing!)
  • Evil Joy’s Sweet Nectar of Life Instant Delivery and Refresh Service (aka Dr. Evil)

So note to self – no more fake coffee.  No more real coffee.  Not after 3pm – certainly not after 5pm.

EJ out – to make some yummy soup on this chilly day.  Better than coffee, right?

Warm me up with some Evil Love and click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  Thanks!!!

 

Epic Delivery Failure

Dear Mr. Sandman,

What in the world have I done to offend you?  When you visit, you don’t stay long.  That is when you visit.  Last night you saw fit to visit others and not me.  Along the lines of what I say if someone steals from me, they probably needed it more than me.

But for the sake of my spawn, please visit me tonight.  And stick around for at least 6 hours.  No more taking emergency calls to other sleepers around 4am.

So please, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, visit me.  No more delivery failures of epic proportions.

Sincerely,

Evil Joy

PS – If you don’t come and stay, I’m going to find you, go Evil on your arse, and then go to sleep just to spite you.  Are we clear?

Really?!?!

I’ve just spent several minutes of my tired evening uploading, sizing, arranging, captioning, and all sort of things photo related to pictures of our weekend trip for my post.  

It’s gone.  

Just.Like.That.

WTHeck?  

I will try again tomorrow…now…I sleep.

EJ out – to sleep in my own bed.  All night.  With no spawn.  No farting (by other people of course).  No burping (again, by other people).  See ya on the flip side.

Evil Snoring and Loud Bellies

So we’re camping If you can call it that since we have beds, a toilet, a sink, fridge, and freezer.

This is my kind of camping.

Tenting it and I. Not so much friends. One bad experience after another has led me to believe this is the sort of camping I’m cut out for.

Now we are in close proximity to one another but not as close as we would be in a tent.

My word. I’ve got three snoring people, one sleep farter, and one with an Evil Loud Digesting Belly.

Aaaggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

But we are here to celebrate many things. Second Eldest Female Spawn is going to be 7 tomorrow!!!!! I can’t believe it. It’s going way too fast.

And in my messed up brain I’m still celebrating every milestone Dr. Evil nearly missed. A few more birthdays and the major milestones will be through the first rotation. A little extra happy dance and ‘screw you’ to random strange septic staph that tried and FAILED to take Dr. Evil.

Well played Dr. Evil, well played.

Here’s to happy days and awesome family time with my rockstars.

EJ out – to find some ear plugs and air freshener.

Vote for me by clicking on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the right. Thanks so much!!!!!

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