Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: toys

Evil Toys are Taking Control….

A while back I wrote about our doll houses inspired by a  post from The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.  (And she’s a part of that new book all the cool kids are getting “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”)

Here’s a small recap of that…..through pictures….

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Y’all remember Evil Scary Baby Girl/Boy right?  She gave several of you nightmares…..

Well…they’re BAAACCCCKKKKKKKK!

And now…the Evil Spawn of the Doll House are ruling the world….Muwahahahahah!

Breaking New in the Lair of Evil Joy….beep beep beep …. you know…the sound of breaking news…….

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As you can see the spawn have gathered.  With their nanny.  And with the newly brain washed toys joining their Evil Little Posse.  I believe Evil Scary American Girl Doll is in charge.  I’m sure as hell not about to question her authority.

The Fairy God Mothers are currently trapped on a partition of the roof.  Their magic powers are inactive from this part of the roof.  They are helpless to stop what is happening in the main house.

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All animals have been banished to the actual roof.  Although they’d support the Evil Spawn I’m sure.  Probably just making sure they don’t go all zombie and eat the … wait…..you’ll have to read about that….  I’m certain the Evil Spawn will offer them food and water later.  The Evil Spawn don’t seem the type to let them bake to death in the sun.  Hello Kitty and the Easter Bunny seem pretty agile so if they do get trapped, I’m sure all will be rescued.  Plus, Littlest Spawn is an animal lover.

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The following pictures may be disturbing to some of my readers.  Parental guidance is required.

The carnage may only be properly described with pictures….Daddy #1 fought the hardest….he was the first to go over….

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After Daddy #1 was out of the way, all of the parental figures were ‘dealt with’ in a similar manner…..

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Take note of Pinkilicious cheering – she’s an Evil Little Bag.  And the toddlers are full of happy “I tossed my parents over the railing” smiles.  I’m fairly certain Evil American Girl Doll’s hair grows more poofy with each kill.

So watch out parental figure dolls.  You’ve seen what can happen with the spawn rule the doll house.

Just in case you’re wondering…Littlest Spawn and I had a belly busting laughing time tossing those parents over the edge.  Then the Little People ambulance came to rescue them…and bury them in the doll box.  Never to be heard from again.  Until she wants to play with them.

EJ out – to borrow Eldest Spawn’s snowboard without his permission.  We have fresh powder….can’t miss this opportunity!  My board is unavailable at this time so…..lucky for me he’s about the same height as me!!!!  His stance is wider, but I’ll live…and have fun!  Bawahahaha!

Take a minute and help me out!  Evil Joy has slipped to #34 in the Humor Blogs category – #34!!?!?!?!?!?  I was in the top 10 for a long time.  I need to get back there.  I want to get back…Please help me get back there!!!  Click on the flashing banner below.  I’m going to put the juggling lady back because it seems more IN YOUR FACE PLEASE VOTE FOR ME than the flashing banner.  Look for her return.  But in the mean time, click THE BANNER!  PLEASE!!!

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Evil Messiness….

Evil Joy here with a post on toys.  Evil Toys and the Spawn who play with them.

Now I call the toys Evil Toys because there is no way my spawn have left a mess like this….or so they insist.  And who in the right mind would pile dolls on top of each other in a mass grave?  And they don’t even have on both shoes?!?!  WHAT?!?!?!  And no matching outfits!?!  This Evil OCD Mama can’t handle it!!

 

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And the mess….oh the Evil Mess.  Even Burton Puppy is hiding….

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And the tornado of game pieces….

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And what do the spawn do?  Flip around and play in the Evil Mess…and more random game pieces….

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(And yes – this is against my rules….no flipping on the jumper).

Strangely enough – the kitchen remains clean.  They are sooo my spawn – I hate to cook.

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And this is how we roll – Dora chair with the gun cache in the background…..Dora – did you hear that?  Map – can you find the guns?!

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At the end of the day – the room is now clean.  And way more importantly – the spawn had fun in the Evil Mess.

 

EJ out – to see if the room is still clean…five minutes later.

 

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Missing Pieces…..

Evil Joy here with a post on toys….the spawn’s toys…..and the ownership I feel of them.

See – I like the toys to be together.  If you have a doll house all the doll house pieces should be together and located in a close proximity to said doll house.  If you are playing kitchen all the dishes and kitchen toys are located in a blue bin marked “Kitchen Toys” stacked on a shelf adjacent to the toy kitchen.  And since school is often played along with kitchen the school toys are also adjacent to said toy kitchen.

When Eldest Spawn was little I was incredibly OBSESSED with collecting Fischer Price Little People.  I mean crazy obsessed.  We had the farm, the farm add-on, the village, the school, the fire station, the circus….and when the Eldest Female Spawn arrived we added the house and mini-van.  Oh – and we had every vehicle and being known to man.  The little people garbage truck, tow truck, helicopter in two sizes, every farm animal, house animal, baby pieces.  You get the picture…..

Eldest Spawn and I used to play with the farm every night.  We’d launch the farmer out the window and he would GIGGLE the best GIGGLE ever!  It was awesome.

Then at bedtime we’d say ‘night night’ to the farmer, pig, horse, chicken, hay bale, goat, and cow.  And scarecrow and corn.  And the rooster on the top.

The thing is – to this day, I’ve lost one piece and it makes me EVIL CRAZY.  The pig….he left.  He left because we like bacon.  I’m sure of it.

Given the level of detail I can describe these toys I haven’t seen in a couple of years you must understand my crazy strange memory.  And how I like things kept together.  Pieces and parts go with their respective parent toy.  It just is the way it is.  I don’t care if you mix them up to play but at the end of the day….they had best be sorted or Evil Joy gets pissy.

So….today.  Puzzles came out.  In particular the puzzles Eldest Spawn (now 12) got for his first birthday.

I am still bothered by what I saw.  I suspect it will haunt my dreams. FOREVER.

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Between having two puppies and four spawn to chew on various pieces, a move, numerous rearrangements, and a few spawn from another mother who liked to throw puzzle pieces into my air duct returns…these few, sweet, dear letters are all I have left.  I mean….all Eldest Spawn has left of his puzzle.

The tragedy.  The untold tragedy.  What becomes of puzzles without the right pieces?  Can this go into recycling?  Goodwill won’t want it – unless they have a person who takes all the crap like this I’m sure they get and Frankensteins together a puzzle with a full set of pieces.

This poor dejected puzzle…..is back in the puzzle bin with the hopes I will find additional letters as we clean and rearrange the next time.  Here’s hoping….

EJ out – to question Regions the Elf to see if he had anything to do with the missing puzzle pieces….he’s a little thief you know.

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Evil Pit of Despair

Evil Joy here with a post on the Evil Pit of Despair that is my basement.

Now…if you’ve never seen Princess Bride the title probably isn’t nearly as funny to you as it is to me.

I haven’t yet figured out in my Evil Old Age when organizing and moving stuff around, first pick up the crapola on the floor, furniture, etc.  Otherwise piles are created.  Evil Piles able to come to life without notice.  And then the Evil Piles…they Evil Procreate.  

Must go to back and tame the Evil Pit of Despair that is my basement.  Once it’s done, the Spawn are required to play for hours with the toys they won’t part with.  If they don’t, Goodwill will be well stocked…from my house alone. 

If I don’t post again today or tomorrow, send in the recruits to find me under one of the Evil Piles…..

EJ out – to live to fight another mess.

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Evil Epic Messes…..

Evil Joy here with a post on the Evil Disaster occurring as I type in my lair.  Evil Epic Disasters created by yours truly, Evil Joy.  Evil Epic Disasters resulting from rearranging, purging, and moving stuff around the lair.

So…it all started because I became Evil Joy.  As Mom, I was upstairs one afternoon.  Reeling from the amount of Evil Destruction present after spending several hours the previous day cleaning.  Evil Joy came charging in and took over from Mom.

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“THAT IS IT!  ALL TOYS ARE DOWN-DOWN STAIRS!!  (Down Down stairs means our basement.)

Two Littlest Spawn thought this was a stellar idea!  In their heads this meant Mom cleaned their room.

Ummm. No.  Get your butts in here and help me move all the toys down-down stairs.  Second Youngest Female Spawn buckled down and got to work.  For about 3 seconds.  Littlest Spawn – she just tried to order me around.  Listen here Little One – let me teach you the ways of my world…in which you live….get up and help now!!

A large mess was created in the hallway as I pitched out things going to down-down stairs or junk just not belonging in their room – such as my blowdryer….Strange Spawn I have…..  All Spawn were my slave labor – up and down the stairs at my command…bawhahaha.

Then…the next task.  Moving their bunk beds.  The bunk beds can only live in one of two locations in their room – only two walls are big enough or lack windows, doorways, or closets.  About every other second, the Spawn want their bunk bed moved.  DId I mention it’s Evil Heavy.  And an Evil Pain In The Butt to move.  But…being the Evil Awesome Mom I am, I moved the bunk bed….all by myself.  And their bookshelf.  And a desk.

Then Awesome Neighbor B came over.  I told her my plans to move the PC down-down stairs, along with the large desk it sits on.  And then…

Move the Evil Upright Grand Piano

into the desk’s previous home.  Around the corner in a different room.  On hardwood floors.

Awesome Neighbor B and I took the PC apart, desk drawers out and carried that Evil Bad Boy down the stairs.  And then we moved the

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around a corner, over hardwood, onto carpet into the proper spot.

aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh – that’s me – showing my muscles while making a pirate noise to indicate how strong I am!  P90X and I are friends!!  (stop laughing – or don’t – I laugh at myself all the time – join my party!)

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So….Sunday is Evil Finish Up Mess Day.  We are going to lock ourselves in the house until all projects (yeah – right) are complete.  (You may notice there is not a piano bench – I started refinishing it – stripping off the paint…..three years ago – it’s still in the garage – maybe it’ll get done on Sunday too…ummmm….)

Evil Upright Grand Piano – haha – I showed you – now I just need to learn how to play you.

Spawn of the Female assortment – keep your room tidy.  I am not kidding.

Down-Down Stairs – prepare to be rearranged, cleaned, rearranged again, hooked up, and purged.  All in a single day.  Wow – I’d be scared if I were down-down stairs.

EJ – out – to go to Sam’s Club to stock concessions…again….

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