Evil Joy Speaks

Spawning the next generation of evil genius, one misadventure at a time

Tag: You’re my favorite today

They wrote this one for me…..

So yesterday….we did it.

We didn’t spend any money.  But we renewed contracts and all that crap.  And got new phones.  We ‘purchased’ Eldest Spawn his first phone.  I’m fairly certain he was the only 8th grader in our district without his own phone.  Or any phone.  Now, he is in the ‘in.’

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In the process of purchasing said new phones, in order for us to walk out of there owing $0.00 we had the ‘chance to add’ a home phone.  A phone that stays in the house.  A phone that doesn’t work away from its receiver, at least not far from its receiver.  And I bit.   With little spawn about and sometimes one spawn babysitting the others, I like the idea of a line dedicated to the house.

I took it a step further.  And decided to get a corded phone.

And the hilarity ensued.

First, Kool Krazi Kristi and I had to find such a phone.  We walked all over the store and finally found them.  Wal-Mart had two to choose from…..white for $5.96 or black for $9.96.  I’m cheap.

We arrived back at the lair and you’d think we bought the coolest, most desirable new toy.  The spawn were going crazy for this $6 phone.

These are the actual phrases the spawn used.

“So, is this what you had back in the old days?”

“What is that noise?!?!  It’s so loud!!”  (dial tone)

“Ummm, what am I suppose to do with it?”

“Okay I dialed the number, where’s the send or call button?”

“How do I end this call?”

“Okay – can I text from this phone?”

“Where is the screen?  Where are the games?”

“Does it get text messages?”

“What’s an answering machine?  What’s a message machine?  Oh – you mean voice mail?”

“Seriously, I don’t get this.”

“How cool am I?!” said as she sat on the counter because the cord wouldn’t let her wander about the house.

“Please Mama, I’m begging you, teach me how to use this phone!  It’s so cool!”

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Needless to say, I showed them how to use the cool, new house phone.  And they know it’s not for playing.  It’s amazing how they never thought about knowing anyone’s phone numbers?!  We have a list of “need to know” numbers and a list of “friends to play” with numbers.  I actually knew most of the numbers.  (Impressive, huh, huh?   I think so!)

Now I won’t be searching for my phone and find it under a bed when spawn used it to call a friend to play and then forgot to give it back to me.  I have the peace of mind knowing we have a phone in the house.

That is really freaking cool.

 

EJ out – to take Eldest Spawn his lunch on a walking tour of Hudson.  Luckily for him he got a phone on Saturday for the first time and it allowed him to go on said tour – teacher was given permission over the phone this morning (I signed that permission slip weeks ago….) and will allow me to find him along the tour and deliver his lunch.  With all the embarrassing love I can muster.  “Here buddy of mine.  Love you.  I packed your favorite treats!” followed by hugs and smoochies.  That’ll teach him.

 

Please click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon there on the right.  You’ll cast a vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs!  Thanks!!!

AND !!!!!!!!!!!  Come and meet myself and the amazing Michelle from You’re My Favorite Today. on 16 October!  Event details here!  Can’t wait to meet you!!!!

A Warning…..

See…I need sleep.  I crave sleep.  I desire sleep.  I yearn for sleep.  I am deeply in love with sleep.

 

 

I don’t get much sleep.

 

There are these things called spawn in my lair.  They see to it that I get interrupted every SINGLE EVIL LIVING night of my EVIL LIFE.  They tag team me.  They share the duty.  Rarely is more than one up at once.  Multiple spawn may awaken in one night – but in succession.  Never all at the same time.  Just one after the other, after the other.

On the off chance they all actually sleep through the night without getting up, opening their door, closing their door, closing the bathroom door, opening the bathroom door, opening their door, and finally closing their door….there are the furry spawn in our lair.

There are several deer, fox, other dogs, random cats, birds, and butterflies that MUST be BARKED at during the night.  Usually around 1:30 am.  Or 3:30 am.  Or 1:13 am.  Or any other time I am fortunate enough to be in a deep sleep.

I’m not even going to start on Dr. Evil’s snoring.  Just know Breathe RIght strips are on my shopping list.  (I’m pretty sure shin guards are on his shopping list as well.)

And insomnia – yeah – insomnia.  There are no nice words for not being able to sleep when afforded the opportunity.

 

As a public service announcement I am issuing a warning.  Actually several warnings.

Warnings from Evil Joy

  1. Do not ask me if I got enough sleep.  I will a.)tell you why I didn’t or b.)throttle you.
  2. Do not tell me you get a full night’s rest every night and can’t imagine what not sleeping is like.  I will just throttle you.
  3. Do not wake me up mid-nap.  I will a.)yell at you and not remember it or b.)throttle you.
  4. Do not give my spawn any sort of caffeine containing product.  Ever.  Never ever.  Never, never ever.  I will send them to your house at 3am and let them wake you up, keep you up, and annoy you.
  5. Do not cross Evil Joy today.  I am tired.  And grumpy.  And catching Littlest’s cold.

 

You have been warned.

Please advise my spawn, should you see them, to let me sleep.  I tell them all the time.  They tell me how wonderfully they’ve slept and I just smile, grind my ever sharpening teeth together, and give them a hug so they can’t see the look on my face.

 

EJ out – to await the opening of the clinic so I can take a sick Littlest in to see the doctor.  (And if they wake up me and they’re sick – I’m not EVIL!!!  I’m just mom.  Albeit a tired mom, but a loving, cuddly mom who takes care of those she calls spawn.)

 

Help a tired EJ out and vote for me at Top Mommy Blogs.  I’m moving up the Humor Blogs ranks but need your help to stay up there!  Click on the Top Mommy Blogs icon on the upper right.  If you’re accessing this on a mobile device, you may have to scroll to the end of the post to see the icon.  Thanks!!!

ANDDDDD – you can meet the amazing Michelle from You’re My Favorite Today and myself in only 16 days at Jake’s in Plymouth, Minnesota!!  Click here for more details.

National (Ladies) Night Out!!! #FAIJWTPAD

Soooooo… the amazing Jen, who had the brain baby “I Just Want to Pee Alone” decided to have a National Celebration………

THE FIRST ANNUAL I JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE DAY, or what will be referred to from here on out as #FAIJWTPAD

 

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And I’m CO-HOSTING an event with Michelle from You’re my favorite today. in the Twin Cities (for those out of you outside of the Twin Cities – the Twin Cities are Minneapolis and St. Paul, MN.)

If you don’t live close to someone hosting a #FAIJWTPAD, you can host your own!!!  Ladies’ Night Out – Mom’s Night Out – whatever.  Email Jen at sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com with your event details and she’ll get you on the events page!  It doesn’t have to be fancy – it can be fancy – it doesn’t have to have pants.  It can have pants.  Well…pants are highly recommended..unless you’re wearing a dress.

 
So come out and meet Michelle – AND ME! – at Jakes!  Here are the details on OUR event (with a special shout out to Alisha, the manager of Jake’s, who is awesome and gave us our very own room, which, spoiler alert, means strip poker, obviously) :
 
Location:
Jake’s City Grille
3005 Harbor Ln. N
Plymouth, MN
 
Time:
Wednesday, October 16 (duh)
6 – 9 p.m. (or so)
 
So keep checking the events Facebook page, because new events are being added all the time.
 
For all of you readers who live near the Twin Cities, COME ON and MEET Michelle and myself!
 
 
So SAVE THE DATE…..and plan to come out to Jake’s or attend an event near you on October 16th.
 
Super excited to meet you all and Michelle promised not to hug you tooooo long or hard…..well…..she’ll try to not smoosh you.  No guarantees  on what I’ll do!
 

For Me?!

So two of my favorite bloggers Snarkfest and You’re My Favorite Today gave me an award – the one, the only…..

 

Squirly award

 

 

And I’m not one to turn down any awards…evah!   And I sort of like squirrels – we don’t have many large trees out where I live (repurposed farmland) so we don’t have squirrels.  When we go into the city – the spawn think they are this exotic thing and chase them around – it’s cute – unless at the UofMn and then they aren’t so cute when the pop up out of the garbage cans and steal what you’re thinking about throwing away after you take just one more bite.

(Thinking that may be part of why I got the Squirrelly – random digressions….but then…if it gets me an award…bring it sista!)

 

So the deal is I have to share 10 squirrelly things about me.

1.  I love to run.  I’m not fast.  I’m not built like a runner.  But I love it.

2.  I’m the biggest procrastinator there is.  Like huge.  Like…yeah.

3.  I have this thing about 90 degree corners…I like things stacked neatly and I think things in a nice 90 degree relation to each other.  And if you, like my Eldest Spawn, move things askew just to mess with me – I will find you.  I will.

4.  I know more about math without numbers than math with numbers.

5.  I am fiercely loyal to those I love.  Don’t mess with them or you’ll mess with me.  And I know things about math.

6.  I have PTSD.  Some days life is great – other days it kicks my arse.

7.  I love when my spawn sit on my while watching a movie.  Especially if they are cuddly.  And then they get sleepy.  And warm.  And have that awesome spawn smell..the sweet one!

8.  The real reason I skip reading books to the spawn some nights is because I’m soooooo tired and I know I won’t be able to stay awake to get to my room.

9.  I swear like a sailor.  I swear way too much.  I simply am not that bothered by certain words.  I don’t know why they must have such importance attached to them.

10.  I have a HUGE picture of Noah’s Arc landing staring down at me right now.  It’s my favorite picture.  When the spawn were born we got a framed picture for that will one day be theirs.  Then we had two more spawn and no more money for stuff like that so…yeah…we’ll have to figure that out later.

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Now…to pay it Forward!  Go check out these amazing bloggers…Let ’em know Evil Joy sent ya!

The Plucky Procrastinator

A Mother Life

The Shitastrophy

Mommy Needs a Martini

My dishwasher’s possessed!

Kiss My List

Something Clever 2.0

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Mom With Her Running Shoes On

The Insomniac’s Dream

 

Now seriously people, I’ve fallen waaaaay down in the Top Mommy Blogs standings.  Take a minute and raise me up (see what I did there?) by clicking on the juggling lady up there on the right!  Thanks!!!!!

EJ out – to start a day full of … something squirrelly I’m sure!

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