It’s funny how a series of events – when considered as a whole – seem crazy. Then one moment or comment puts it all in perspective. Or maybe a couple of comments.
In the last 10 months I’ve started to deal with the emotions and consequences of all that happened. Before I thought I was. Been seeing a therapist for over a year. But until 10 months ago I didn’t really accept I wasn’t dealing. I was going through the motions and making the appropriate responses. Now…I’m dealing. (Sort of – the “currently fighting off PTSD” versus experiencing it…..well…yeah…that speaks to my attitude at times….)
Dealing with the reason ambulances make me cry. Dealing with the fact that I ROCK under pressure. Then CrUmBlE after – and over and over. Dealing with crying – learning and ACCEPTING it’s okay to cry. We went through a lot. And once I quit trying to make it stop and accept the emotions – it’s not so bad.
I mean…what happened….that is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies for any wife and mother. And if you know me – let’s just say “worry wart” doesn’t even touch the tip of the crazy that is me. And that was ‘before.’ Now…”worry goiter” may be a little closer to the truth. Like this weekend. Dr. Evil was fine all day on Saturday and we did some work at his sister’s home – helped get it ready for market. On the way home – he started sneezing and was super congested. Now…normally I’d be like, “Suck it up – you’re fine.” Except not with him. He never complains. Ever. So asking if he feels okay is pointless. All night long I kept waking myself up checking to see if he was breathing.
Stupid. But it’s my reality right now. I am that crazy insanely worried woman.
And. It’s okay.
Also in the last 10 months I’ve been at several medical scenes. A friend experienced extreme low blood sugar. Another collapsed at the gym. Another was in a car accident where Awesome Amy and I were some of the first passer-bys to stop and assist. And Friday I witnessed someone either have a stroke or seizure and drive their car down a steep embankment into a ditch…right next the interstate entrance ramp. I was one of the first people down to the ‘scene’ but was too damn short to open the car door (it was locked and the window was down but I couldn’t reach). Each and every one of these effing events had several police cars, ambulances and on occasion a fire truck present. Before Dr. Evil and his ambulance and illness experiences, I would have been upset but not to this level. It triggers everything all over again.
While each of these events occurred I was fine. My friend – the parent of someone in the car accident said, “If anyone had to call me, I glad it was Joy.” I do well in pressure situations. I function and do what needs to be done. After.. I turn into a shaking sobbing mess. And still am when I think about it. So I’ve learned to accept the emotion, experience it and let it roll off me. (Very zen of me, right? Imagine me in the lotus pose looking peaceful….)
Anyway – Sunday morning I was at the gym. I am stuck on an elliptical machine until the marathon – stupid IT band. I am following doctor’s order to a ‘T’ (bowing at you IT band – you rule me….for now….ggggrrrrrr). He said I should be fine to run the marathon – just do what he says. That meant four – 4 – FOUR hours on an EVIL Elliptical Machine on Sunday. I was okay with it. I was wishing I could be outside just running 15 miles instead. (That makes me a real runner now, right? I want my ‘I’m a real runner’ badge!)
I ran into someone from my old gym. Super nice gentleman. Always a kind word and smile. ALWAYS. Told him about the marathon and he asked why. I sort of had to ask myself that. It’s on my bucket list for 40. But the real reason why….Dr. Evil asked me if I wanted to way back in September or something. And I made some flippant comment (no…I never do that…) about since he didn’t die and all…. My friend didn’t know what had happened. I shared our experience. And a few tears.
And it was okay. It was really okay. The first time in a long time I’ve been able to tell someone about what happened, been a little sad, and then…was okay. I did my time – I mean my workout – and I was fine.
It’s all good. Life is good. Perspective is a beautiful thing.
EJ out – to enjoy today.
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